I miss my mum, and being home alone is still really difficult.

My sister and I lost our mum in March very suddenly. I remember cooking a breakfast for my friends the way my mum had taught me, and getting a phonecall from my dad telling me that I needed to travel home.

My employer wasn't happy that I took bereavement leave to mourn and attend my mum's funeral, so she fired me on my first shift back. Following this, my housemate told me he was moving out so I had to try and find a new job and a new home at the same time. Thankfully I'm in a secure job and I have just moved in to my own flat, but it's these moments that I really wish I could share with my mum.

She was my best friend growing up, especially when I felt like such an outsider and didn't know why. She would always encourage me to be myself, even when I came out to her as a teenager. There was always such unconditional love there, despite her struggles with substance abuse.

I have been so supported by my family friends, my partner and my sister and dad, but being at home by myself doesn't get easier, no matter how much I try and distract myself. If I have even a split second with my own thoughts, I am just reliving that phonecall, reliving the last time I saw her alive, and reliving all of my memories with her, good and bad. Our relationship was more strained towards the end but she had shut herself away from most people, and getting on the phone with her and visiting her would always be a challenge. I just can't stop thinking that i could have helped more if I had just moved home, called more, encouraged her to move closer to me. But another part of me thinks the damage had already been done long ago, and that saving her would have been difficult.

Sorry for the massive jumble of words. This is my first major loss since my grandma, and the thought of navigating life without her wisdom and reaching milestones without her hurts a lot.