I miss her so much

Yes indeed Lou! I too felt and feel guilty. I know in my heart that I do not have to be. Our soulMates would not want us to be! We have to remember that. It is so HARD though!

 

I think Robin Chad and I are the only ones that lost our spouses suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s hard to relate being a long term healthcare giver to your spouse like so many of you. Mom and I did that for Dad every day in 2005. About 2 months into Dad’s death walk I told Mom I am getting drained driving into Ft Wayne every day early and going home late. I had to do it at a pace so I could function. I can’t imagine what it was like for all of TGW being there tirelessly every day. I know I would have done it for Cheryl though. Cheryl supported me through 2 major surgeries. While I was preforming CPR on Cheryl I thought this is my chance to pay her back. I tortured myself about a month afterwards but then I realized it was Cheryl’s destiny and Cheryl was already gone when I found her. But part of Cheryl remains here in the non physical form. Lou your last mentioning of a furrowed brow was the greatest LMSO(laugh my sad off) to date. It’s good to have Rick as an active TGW(The grief warrior) today. I’m thinking about you George. I know you’re suffering with the D now. I hope you recover quickly this evening Bro. I’m not disappointed by not making the trip to Michigan. I was worried about birdie buddies running out of bird seed while I was gone. They won’t now. I paid my farmer friend Chris for next year’s hunting rent today. I could tell he felt uneasy knowing what happened to Cheryl so I didn’t bring it up. 20 years ago Chris’s Dad Bob died suddenly. I cried at Bob’s visitation because he encouraged me to hunt his land. Which gave me the greatest gift ever. Thanks. Gary

 

Gary, knew you'd laugh at movie reference.
Must correct you. While Linda was in a
rehab/ nursing home, with breast cancer,
she had to undergo PT, to help her walk.
The plan was that she would be able to
join me. One horrible day, Linda fell in
a twisted way, upside down, on the side of
her bed, as she was trying to get on her
wheelchair. I ran , screaming for help.
The last time I saw Linda, her favorite
nurse & other nurses had her sitting
on the floor. I left the room, & sat with a
PT, in the hall. I was sobbing, bc I knew,
in my gut, that Linda was going to die. Just
like in Jonathan's book, a rescue squad
sped to her room, trying to revive her.
The nurse came over to me & said Linda
had no pulse. I followedLinda's ambulance
to the ER in a 2nd ambulance. When I
arrived, I went into a small room, with a
Bible. The ER doctor came in to tell me
what I already knew. Linda was dead on
arrival. Cause of death: pulmonary
embolism. It took 6 months of sobbing &
sleepless nights to get that horrible image
of LInda out of my head. I needed to see
a grief counselor/ psychiatric nurse
practioner, before I could function. That's
why I was disappointed that Chad didn t
reply to me, bc his wife died the same way.
Linda & I were married 25 years, no
children. Now you see why I had to write
to Jonathan, bc his horrific shock was
like mine. Lou 9

 

I'm giggling under my breath, now a smile--my first today maybe the only one, but I'll take whatever I can get. SMILE it stretches my chapped lips.

 

Maybe Chad will respond. We don't know what he may be feeling, he may be in a very bad way and his function capabilities are low.

 

That's very kind of you to say that about
Chad, who's only 38. I know that you've
heard my sad story about Linda's last
moments, but I hope I amused you when
I kidded Gary, with the line by Don
Corleone, ( Marlon Brando), in The
Godfather. That's what Gary gets, for
calling me "The Godfather" of our group. L

 

Maybe I missed it, I'd better go back and read it.

 

Thanks, Karen. For whatever reason, I
think we have a hard core of 5 widows &
3 widowers. If new people decide not to
join, for whatever reason, so be it. I just
don't want to have to relive Linda's last
moments. That's one reason I dropped
out of a widowed persons group. Every
time a new person showed up, we would
have to rehash our sad stories. Lou

 

I apologize but I must correct you Lou. Zuber writes; we keep telling our story how they died over and over because so many things happened so fast we couldn’t comprehend them all. So we keep telling the story until we just cannot tell it anymore. Then we say to ourselves I am healing. I am healing. You are healing older Brother. I hope our younger brother George is feeling better. I’m thinking about you Bro. I cut back the remainder of Cheryl’s flowers in her garden today. I think I may actually like doing this. I love you all. Sleep tight. Gary

 

Gary, you & I are in a different time
frame of our grief journey. I went over &
over the excruciating details of Linda's
sudden death, right in front of me. I had
PTSD,bc I had no one to turn to. Even
Jonathan had a grown daughter, and they
could help each other. I was suicidal &
went to the ER. From there, I was taken
by cab to a small psychiatric unit, right
before Thanksgiving, 3 years ago. Upon
discharge, I went to the home/ office of
a psychiatric nurse practitioner/ grief
therapist. All I could do in the beginning,
was to cry, in anguish,over my inability
to "save" Linda. Later, the kind therapist
lent me Zuba's book, and I bought
Jonathan's, which I couldn't read at first
without sobbing. Much later she suggested
GIC, which I didn't join until end of July,
this year. Lou

 

Back from Dialysis. feel a little better than usual so I checked out GIC and was happy to see some messages! TB made a great dinner and more Christmas cookies. GIC is the highlight of my computer day!

 

I think I agree here, the last 2 weeks is the story I find myself relating. It’s the part I wasn’t able to process in the moment. The two and a half years before were our routine. Kenn’s last 2 nights unfolded slowly so I don’t carry that those same way. I still want to share it all but the last two weeks is where I have unresolved trauma. That’s where I feel things weren’t fair, that’s where the fear was, the adrenaline that still resides in my body, the ache of his loss in my bones is from those last two weeks.

 

Its like the horrible images of Valerie in the night last Winter. Sitting up then laying down then sitting up. Repeat 100 times! The buckets of black Cancer juice. Talking about it helps me. No one knows but GIC friends. You are way coool Bro!

 

For me it is the January and February until she died. She suffered so much. I still can't fathom it. Take care!

 

Guilt is a hard one isn’t it, Lou.
Did we or didn’t we _______. Everyone fill in the blank.
Did I advocate enough. Was I present or patient or focused enough.
I didn’t say I love you enough, of course I know he knew, but I didn’t say it enough.

 

Oh yes. The sitting up and laying down. Those restless moments that pile up and wear both carer and cared for down.

 

Yes you so get it! I was a manic freak all January and Feb... I had a nonstop patter of happy crazed bullshit as she was dying, and I "patrolled the perimeter" (pacing). I am so sad. But I need to say it. Thank you for listening!

 

Let's not forget it's been 3 years for Lou, less for most of us. So maybe in three years we won't want to continue to repeat our story over and over as we do now. Maybe Lou has told his story until he just cannot tell it anymore as Zuber writes.

 

Do you have a plan, a roughed out sketch of how you will manage jan & feb?
They are right around the corner. How are you feeling looking forward?

 

What kind of flowers are in Cheryl’s garden, Gary?