I miss her so much

I missed him today.
Tears. Yes, I am fine enough.
I miss him tonight.
~B

 

My grief journey is like taking a trip in a car that has a lot of mechanical problems. Sometimes the journey is smooth riding. Where others parts of the journey there has been a blown engine needing major attention. There is a lot of starting and stopping because of debris on the path that needs cleared. Sometimes I take the wrong route and get lost. If all my difficulties happen in close intervals I consider calling the journey off. but I don’t. I put the gear shift into GIC. On my GPS I type in the destination to TGW. Then I’m guided to a service center where my mind can be reset. New routes around pitfalls are discovered. A more definitive direction is established. Shared good and bad experiences lessen the wear on my vehicle. And a huge billboard that reads hope is my new destination. Thanks for being in my life TGW! Busy day today. Peace. Gary

 

Hi Gary,, keep strong in our Faith, GOD is watching over us, HE will
and is overseeing us each moment of the day. Sending BIG HUG to
you all friends here. You and all others are in my daily prayers. Take good
care of yourself. Blessings, Patti

 

George, wanted comfort from my 2
brothers this am, and figured you wake up
earlier than Gary. It's about guilt. Woke up
with a dream that I was doing a stand up
hug the way we used to, before Linda was
bedridden in the hospital, and then the
rehab/ nursing home. My head says I
couldn't hug her bc a table with her
water & ginger ale ( which I provided)
was in the way. My heart says I was so
busy playing full card monte with her
drinking cups, that I didn't see the big
picture, Linda said she would "beat" the
cancer, and I believed her. Like Valerie,
she made me promise to be happy, even to
find another woman. She died 3 years ago,
and I'm better, but I STILL have one of
these dreams. Do you ever wish you could
do over the last few days of Valerie's days
on earth? I will have to shake off the
guilt, follow my promise to Linda, and
walk outside in the sunshine. Lou

 

Gary, just sought comfort from George,
bc I figured he'd wake up before you. Woke
up with dream that I was doing a stand up
hug with Linda before she was bedridden
in the rehab/ nursing home. I woke up
crying with guilt that I wasn't more
affectionate in the end. I really believed
Linda when she said she'd "beat" cancer,
so I got caught up in trivial ways to help
her, serving her water & her requested
brand of ginger ale. If I could have a
wish from a genie, I would want a
chance to hug Linda & tell her I loved
her one more time. I guess I'll have to
shake off this guilt, and walk outside in
the sunshine the way Linda wanted me to
do. Lou

 

I totally get it Lou, I wish i could do over not just those last few days but 20 years even. We did our best even though it is so hard to see and realize this. I was so depressed last night but I forced myself to read and relax and had decent sleep. your dream reminds me of the ones I was having every night back a couple weeks ago. My son and his GF made Christmas cookies Sunday. I cried a lot. It was important he do this to honor her memory (at least for me). You haven't been around as much so I was worried about you! At the Oncologists office; Valerie said she couldn't die cuz her "babies" needed her. I thought she meant her kids at school, but I realized suddenly she meant really TB and I. A year ago her heavy dying shit really started and I am so blandly blank inside but don't want to do anything. Just got back from my morning walk around the "compound". Today is my last Grief share Group and then Dialysis. Hang in there my Bro!

 

I too felt like I did too much trivial stuff but now I think all those little things showed much love. During a time when you didn't know just what to do. Care giver of the love our lives. There is no easy answer. Just look in your heart and you will see the love in minor acts like rubbing feet or providing gingered ale or endlessly watching the same Mamas Family episodes. That is the real love. The day-to-day in-and-out little things that brought our soulMates just a tiny bit of joy in an uncertain scary and painful time.

 

Thank you so much for BOTH of your
replies, George. Even though you're the
youngest brother, you were married to
Valerie longer than my marriage to Linda,
and you have much to teach me about
mourning. I like that you take walks now.
I forced myself outside. It feels like 30s, but
sunny. I don't like to complain, bc I know
how cold it is in Feb. here. But, as I get
older, I wish I could twitch my nose, like
Samantha, in Bewitched, and be in
Florida. Too much trouble with travel
for me ( plane, etc.). I felt crabby in the
little coffee shop just now. An old regular,
in front of me, was babbling to the
cashier. The cashier was kind to me way
back when I told her my story, but I found
her annoying today, too. I'm listening to
Christmas music, some songs better than
others. Blue Christmas by Elvis fits my
mood. Happy Jolly Christmas by Burl Ives,
played way too much, rritates me. Sad
songs like Hallelujah, by Leonard Cohen,
piss me off. I better visit only likeminded
friends today! Hope you get through
dialysis OK, George. Thanks again. I feel better. Lou

 

I am so the opposite with sad songs. they make me feel closer to Valerie in my grief process. I listen to much Leonard Cohen too. The Burl ives would drive me crazy. I dread the d. But hope I can read or sleep. I wish I could just magically make it warmer too! I totally get feeling crabby. Been crabby a lot lately. so far not today. Maybe the walk helped. I'm so glad you are doing better Lou! Well I'm off for the day's events. bluh!

 

Lou, I’m no expert but that dream. I believe was a visit from Linda. The way you explain it and the emotions makes me feel Linda was with you. Embrace it and let it give you strength. A while back I felt Ron holding me while I slept. Then he was gone. I told him it wasn’t long enough. I felt him come back and hold me and kiss me. They’re with us! It’s not enough but it’s something. After a visit I feel his strength and love and it gets me through the day. ❤️ Robin

 

George, I’m pretty sure that walk you took helped you out of that funk. Fresh air is the best medicine. Breath it in and get your blood flowing. I had a melt down this morning. But the cry was needed and I’ve moved past it for the most part. I had to get a heavy box to the PO, walking with a cane makes carrying things difficult and my mind went to how I wouldn’t even be going in the PO if Ron was here. Feeling sorry for myself I suppose. But I did it. I know that’s nothing to most people but it was a lot for me. I’m back home and ready to move on to the next thing.
Grieving is exhausting and that’s probably why you’re feeling so tired and crabby. I don’t know your dreams you had a couple weeks back. But if they’re vivid, feel like real life, you probably had a visit from Valerie. It sounds like your off for dialysis, think of you. Even if I’m not posting on here all TGW stay in my prayers and thoughts. ❤️ Robin

 

Thank you so much, Robin. I will try to
think of Linda coming back to reassure
me that she still loved me, & forgive my
occasional irritability when I would ask
her to turn down the volume on her TV
in her room in the rehab wing. The fact is
that Linda would annoy me bc she was
upset with an elderly dingbat who would
slam her door to the adjoining bathroom
door. I reached out to George this am, bc
I knew he would understand that Linda &
Valerie were no saints, and could be
trying at times. Thank you for sharing
your beautiful story about Ron. Lou

 

Lou, we’re only human. We’re allowed to have had those moments where we were irritable. But now as we look back we question every disagreement every cranky moment. But we shouldn’t. We were living life. I didn’t go through watching Ron be sick and go down hill. I can’t imagine that. But if we tried to be perfect every moment even during that difficult time it’s not true life. Linda, Valerie, Cheryl, Ron etc. loved us for who we are and we’re snd we need to give ourselves a pass. We’re human doing the best we can. It’s hard to say that now especially cause our other half isn’t with us in person. But they’re with us in another way.
Robin

 

Robin, your wise answers to me are much
needed. As George said, there were things
I did for Linda, that she knew I did out of
love. It was a lot better when we were
alone in our apartment, before the
interruptions of doctors, nurses, and the
nursing home staff ( who brought her the
food trays). I was able to cook for her,
whereas the rehab unit had crappy, mass
produced food, which she didn't eat. When
that happened,I would order delivery of
pizza, Chinese food, like other patients.
A good memory was my smuggling beer
for myself into her room, and watching
TV together, which felt normal. Lou

 

You’re so welcome Lou, sometimes it’s easier as an outsider to see the positive. And you shared a positive time during such a tumultuous time. FYI, Ron would do that. And love getting away with it. Every single thing during that time was done from love. Linda knew. I don’t know if when you pass you rise up and can see below. I told Ron we would follow the ambulance and never leave. But I hope he saw my daughter and I in our private waiting room waiting and praying for him. I hope he saw and possibly felt me when I went in see him after he passed. I held his hand cleaned some blood from his face, kissed him told him how much I loved him and told him to remember our promise to do our best to visit. I feel he watches over me now so I’m sure he felt all that. I hope. Linda knows too. Robin

 

Robin, you had me crying just now, when
you invoked the names of both Linda &
Ron. I would rather be sad & shed a few
years today, then be angry. I decided to
come home to my warm apartment, where
I feel safe & have some control over the
atmosphere. Lou

 

Robin I know Ron felt your love and was above watching just as I’m sure Cheryl was watching me brush her eye brows while holding her and promising Cheryl I would catch up with her in the promised land. That is why I love the book permission to mourn. We know their non physical presence is with us always. We have to think outside the box with a faith that is so strong you can’t describe it. Patti thanks for you heart felt prayers. Even though you’re not on the site a lot I feel your presence too. I’m praying we’ll all keep moving forward continually bouncing back from daily setbacks. We are TGW. Gary

 

((((BIG HUGS TO YOU AND ALL TGW FOLKS.)))))
Thank you Gary
Peace and Blessings, Patti

 

Lou, I’m sorry, I think as we get closer to Christmas and New Years we’re all feeling extra emotions. I’m a firm believer to let them flow. I was thinking today if the first tome I flew after Ron passed and as I got to check in I was crying uncontrollably. My mind was saying you can’t fly without Ron. I saw security watching. As I share this it makes me cry again. But they also saw my daughter be caring and she became teary. And gave me a hug. I’ve been crying a lot today. More then usual.
I’m glad you made it home, our homes are our safe place even without our spouses.
Does anyone else wonder if our closeness and supporting each other has made our spouses all find each other? I wonder about that. Robin

 

Gary, thank you. I believe that too. But sometimes I’m not sure. Since we didn’t get to say goodbye I want him to have seen us there. My daughter Stacey, worries as she would put it. I don’t know if Daddy knows I was there for him. I tell her I told him before he was rolled into the ambulance that she was here and told him she was driving me to the hospital. And I believe he saw us there praying for him. She has her own things that bother her. My son has guilt that he didn’t visit us often enough. I have told him not to go there. Dad knows he loves us. Not sure how I ended up down this path. But here I am. I love how you told Cheryl that you’ll catch up with her in the promise land. I asked Ron to please there yo greet me when it’s my time. I know he will. Robin