I miss her so much

Hi Rick, was just replying to your last post and was alerted
you had a new post, I use to have TV on to overtake the silence.
However,I switched, to listening to my stereo cd
player I found listening to my gospel songs uplifting ,and helped
me. Rick, I feel blessed especially reading the New Testament
Daily and having devotional end of everyday. I’m thankful for
my personal relationship with God, (not a religion nor any
denomination). I know Jesus walks not in front nor in
back of me but right by my side.
I and Jack had 61 years married, loneliness is overwhelming
at timesI, I know how life is without Sheila too, Spiritually she
is with you as Jack is with me.
I have recently started remembering
the many funny things Jack did before his illness, I find
myself smiling. I’ve learnt to focus on those times and
let go of the grueling last nine years of PD sufferings.
I have difficulty typing words of expressing myself,
but hopefully you and others understand.
I had come to the conclusion on my journey getting
through loosing Jack that God needs my daily
help as much as I need HIS.
I wish I could express myself better in my postings.

Blessings to you Rick, all our TGW friends and others

 

Thank you my friend! I have been so severely depressed. I know it's the Grief. EVERYTHING lately reminds me of Valerie. For some reason music is the only thing I don't hate these days. I am glad that spirituality helps you. I know Iam doing so bad because a year ago the dying was in it's endGame. I just need to be patient but it's so HARD! Take care. Thanks for being there.

 

Thank you Patti for your uplifting message. The first book I read on grief was “The Long Road Back” and I can’t find it or I’d put in the author’s name. By the mileage you’ve taken in your grief journey you have traveled the long road back to a since of normal. I read the chapter the “Horse” in Permission to Mourn last night. Zuba talks about being thrown off the horse trampled on and beaten by grief and wondering if there ever was a way to get back on. And he says yes but I’m light years away from that. Some where in the book Zuba talks about finally making peace with life. The long road back is an excellent description of our journey. Hearing your journey is a great reason to be here at GIC. No acquaintance or relative has ever expressed knowledge like that to me. I went to the grocery store early and observed couples shopping and envied them. Why do they always play said songs on the intercom? Have you ever heard the gospel CD by Elvis? The song “Peace in the Valley” is my favorite? I imagine you are prepared for Izzy. Extra water will come in handy if the power goes out. Fill your tub or extra buckets just for flushing the toilet. You’re no spring chicken. I’m sure you know all that. Rick it’s good to see you two days in a row. I watch the weather channel when I’m on my exercise bike. Other than that it’s stays off. I’m with Patti on the CD player. I can’t take the slap stick BS on the radio unless I’m on a long road trip. I’m glad you haven’t lost your sense of humor. I’m feeling melancholy today sensing Mr Grief is in the neighborhood. I am going ice fishing this afternoon. I would be totally miserable if I were stuck in the house with nothing to do. The truck is waiting for me. I must get on board. Gary

 

Thank you Patti. Thank you for your understanding. The quiet is so bad. I come back to the house from the store and say 'Honey I'm Home' like I always did. As sad as that is, it's better than not saying anything. I have been blessed to have had such a wonderful person to share my life. I too read the Bible some everyday. Have an old New Testament given to my dad years ago by his brother that read it 20 times. Written inside it says so. I'm on my 2nd time. My loss is still pretty new, I understand. I can't see it getting much better, but I've read you slowly learn to deal with it better. I think you express yourself very well and I fully understand your grief and loneliness since I feel it too. So far I can't get beyond the past year or so, I hope in the future I can remember more of our past when she was healthy and everything was much simpler. I know Jesus is carrying me right now or I couldn't go on. Love and Peace to you. Rick

 

I'm glad music is something that you can hold on to right now. Sheila always loved music so it doesn't work for me right now. She never liked sports so I watch more than I used to, like Gary says, anything that helps a little. I know, I'm doing bad too, and I wonder where this all ends up. It's just the way life turned out, seems so cruel and not understanding. Vodka tonight, but it's such a whimpy attempt to get through the night. I don't understand, it wasn't supposed to be like this, but now here it is and we have to deal with it I guess. But why? I don't get it. It is so hard, gonna take a long, long time I believe. But I hear you, and I understand. Take care of yourself the best you can. Wishing you Peace. Rick

 

Thank you so much Rick! The only time I feel anywhere near like normal and myself is when I get all buzzed. But the next day I'm so sick and eeven more depressed. I have really been trying not to get buzzed since NYD. Connecting with people on GIC is something that does help too... It helps to know one isn't alone. But grief is so invisible and unless you are living it you don't understand it. Valerie loved the TeeVee! I can't watch it ever. I can't stand it. It was one of our great things to do was watch and riff on the "dumbosity". Since Valerie didn't get into musick at least that's the one thing I still can do. She was heavy into dying a year ago. It is a really rough time. Connecting withy you and others on GIC is one of the few things I kinda actually sorta look forward to. I am so blank and lifeless inside. I used to like stuff. Most days I just hate everything! I know that's not healthy or good but I don't care. I just want my Life back! But I know that will never happen. How does one reBuild a life... do I even care... I think I do. I just have no clue how to in this crazy world of pandemicks and threats of war all the time! She wanted me to be happy. I do it for her memory and my son. Sometimes I just hate her so much for dying! I won't feel guilty about this!
Wishing you a lot of peace and the thought that "hope Matters" even though it seems so far away right now.

 

I know there are better days! I treasure every moment I do not feel like a mess. Easier said than done. A year ago the heavy cancer dying time was here. I can't believe I got through a whole year. It is not easy! It sucks so much. At least the spirituality and teachings of Jesus can help you! We all need to find something within our values that helps us! For me it is the daily attempt to live by my values and try to be kind to myself and others. I have a lot of horrible days then out of noWhere I'll feel sorta kinda normal almost. It is not consistent. That's why it is sso important to be able to express yourself. My son doesn't get it. He really had a lot of issues with his mother. So I can't really talk about her to him. I don't have anybody to connect with over stuff like that except GIC! ... Thanks for listening! We are here for you too!

 

Hello all GWs. I have been away for a few days visiting some family. The past few days have been bearable at least. It seems I do much better if I follow through with my routine of working and visiting with Lizzy's parents almost everyday. I am very appreciative of the family and how they still accept me as one of their own. It makes me feel closer to Lizzy when I am with them. I have also been trying to figure out my own spirituality. Trying to study the Bible best I can. I grew up as a JW and Lizzy grew up as Catholic, some of her family are JWs now as well. But I am not sure if either of those fit me right now. George, I see you were having a rough time and I definitely understood what are saying. Sometimes I can smile or laugh with family and friends but it's not 100% authentic. I just want to try and live in a way that would make Lizzy proud. But it's hard to do when almost nothing seems to matter. Right now I just make myself go through the motions and just hope one day I can have an authentic smile.

-Chad

 

I’m grateful for this site too. I’m down to 4 men outside of GIC that I can openly talk to about my grief. Eight months ago I smiled a lot and was happy 95% of the time. What a shock! I saw this happening to other people and felt bad for them. But I didn’t have a clue. Rick it is hard to believe that it would come down to this for me also. I have to be careful though. If I had a chance to get better would I? I feel like an animal that has been wounded and hides out in heavy cover trying to heal. I come out for a look around then go back into the brush and hide. If we know one thing about our journey is sometimes it’s very painful like right now but it never stays that way forever unless we give up. I did get some good news today. I still have cancer But it hasn’t metastasized into a tumor yet. I am being referred to oncologist for external radiation therapy. I choose life my brothers. Another day As the world turns for TGW. Gary

 

I never thought it would be this bad, Not THIS bad. It is unbelievable how alone and lost I am. Things will get better they say. I don't see how, living the rest of my life feeling like this just depresses me more. People really don't get it, just taking it day by day is not easy to take. People on this site get it, and I am glad to have someone that understands. I like Garys take, "it wasn't her fault, just waiting till my time is through" or something. That's the best I can do, making sure I do nothing wrong for her memories sake, and really trying for my daughter. Wish we could have said goodbye, but I can't take the thought of us knowing that last day. Nothing sounds good to me either, I know have to face reality or something. When you miss someone with your life, all those things are just easier said than done. Hopefully it does get a little easier, not better in the future for us both. Take care. Rick

 

You are so right Gary, no one has a clue unless they are like us all. Sad but true. I don't go out much, to the store, and then right back to the house, where Mr. Grief is patiently waiting for me like a sad old friend. That is great news about your cancer. I lost both my parents to cancer, sounds like you will be treated well. Hang in there, wishing you Peace and Hope. Rick

 

So glad you have relatives that you can visit and help you a little bit. At my age, my relatives are all on Sheila's side and I don't see them hardly at all. Trying to join a grief support group, but with the Covid going around, most are having trouble getting back together. Maybe it's still too early, for me. Don't know if I can handle that or not. I get the going through the motion's thing, I stare at the floor a lot at home for some reason. Hang in there, I hope things will get a little bit easier for us all. Rick

 

As I reach the year point... I do have some "better" days like yesterday and the start of today. I do feel slightly more normal. It won't last! But I will take anyTime I don't want to lie around in bed and do NOTHING. I realized this weekend how ANGRY I am at Valerie for dying on me and leaving me by myself. Things just have to happen in their own time I guess. Tomorrow I might be paralyzed with grief again. I just want to be somewhat myself. Am I starting to? I really don't know. Valerie was with me since I was 21 until she died when I was 55. I NEVER lived on my own before. I only care cuz of my son. He deserves me at my best and most capable. easier said than done I know! I am still traumatized by watching her disease progress. The only people who really listen are on GIC. Take care Rick!

 

CHOOSE LIFE because hope matters! At least you have 4 others. Outside of GIC I have my son, his GF and my dialysis techs! How does one REALLY get it enough to live in the moment. I try to be mindful about the moment but it is not easy. Some daze are better than others. Keep doing stuff and getting out when you can. Driving TB's GF to work and back does give me a way to get out and do something good for someone. I kinda sorta feel like myself at times. It has to just happen otherwise if I try to force it (emotionally) It just paralyzes me. Take care Bro!

 

I was doing so horrible this weekend. Then it gets slightly better and I feel like I can breathe. Grief makes me so bottled up inside. I allowed myself to be ANGRY at Valerie for dying without the Guilt. Is this progress. I really don't know. A year ago I was up all night rubbing her back while she puked her insides out and was screaming in pain. I don't know how I did it. I just want to fulfill her final wish that her Georges be happy again. It is hard when the whole world is insane with Kovid Kultur and everything out there in the media just serves to freak you out. The micro and Macrolevels of my life were weirded out all at the same time. I do not want to give up. I'm a very determined person when I can be myself. Who am I>? Am I coming back or will a new Me emerge. Too much unknown out there. I hate the unknown! But it is there and nothing will change it. Be kind! Be Strong! Hope Matters!!! Take cAre!!!

 

Hi guys. I just got home from being on the ice 9 hours. 3 small fish was it. I did enjoy some great bird sounds before the wind picked up. At least I got out of house and out of my head and saw a beautiful sky. Rick I haven’t been to one yet but there is a zoom grief zoom meeting Friday through VISTAS. I applied for a meeting and was contacted the next day. You have to answer some questions first. It’s through a church. Google zoom grief meetings and you might find more. Some of them want money. The only family I have around me is my niece Laura. My brother lives in Florida. I’m completely cut off from Cheryl’s family. I’m on my own. I’m lucky I have a good friend five miles away. I thought about joining a dating site but scrubbed that idea. The omicron has got me holed up too. I go to the grocery store early and that’s it. I’m way over do for a haircut but I haven’t found a place that follows the covid protocol. Thanks for your encouraging words. It has to get better eventually. We have to our part too. Gary

 

Hi Rick, sorry I hadn’t replied back to you sooner, it warmed my heart reading
your post. God has helped me to be patient with myself (through my life I’ve learnt
HE needs my help daily as much as I need HIS). I use to write poems many years
ago, my last poem I did was at Jack’s request for me to write a poem for him.
I posted it here on GIC awhile back it’s called “TIME”. I’ve been trying to do a new
poem (honor of Jack) “Seasons In Life” at Debs request, I will post it here on GIC , also
want to dedicate it for Sheila,Cheryll, Linda, Bob,Ron,Kenn, Jack (Karen’s Dear Husband)
Mary, Valarie.
Keeping you in prayer Rick, along with all others.
Are you still considering getting a dog?
JayCee has helped me so much. Hope your still giving it serious consideration.

sending hugs, love and blessings to all TGW’S and others. Patti