I miss her so much

Hi Deb, Gary,Everyone,
My surgery isn’t over, it has been
postponed, WHATEVER VIRUS,,
hospitals are full here, seems to be
through most states.
I’ve had to take my thinking elsewhere
to distract my mind from myself. It
helped me doing that yesterday.

Lou, hope your all well now.
Sending Love, Hugs, Prayers to each
here. Blessings, Patti

 

Patti,

So sorry... In this current state of brain fog, I misunderstood your message. I'm so sorry your surgery has to be postponed... I hope it can be rescheduled soon, but at the same time, you're probably safer at home than in a hospital right now because of Omicron, or whatever is invading all of our lives.

I hope you can continue to distract yourself from negative thinking. It's in the fifties here today, but sunny. Are you well enough, able to get some walks in, if Mother Nature cooperates? If you are able to exercise, get some fresh air, it might help. Even a very short walk might help. As always, you are included in my daily prayers...

Sending you and Jaycee lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi Deb,
procedure yesterday was in Dr. office.
I am not good at expressing in sentences
my thoughts at times in postings.
It was good to get my thoughts elsewhere,
but the loneliness is tough.
I hope what I’m doing will somewhat
continue to help me.
Glad it’s warmer there, it’s 4o now but real
feel is 35. I’ve not been able to get my
daily walks, glad you are.
Sending big hug to you,
Blessings, Patti

 

Patti, do you have family or friends to help you when needed. I don't think I read you have family, or I may have missed it.
Yes, do whatever you have to to get out of your head until surgery, always hoping for the best. Karen

 

Patti,

The sun went in and although it was in the fifties, it was very windy. I was freezing!!! I know I don't have any right to complain, especially since I used to live in New England and know what the cold really feels like, but after living here since 2018,, I'm now used to the much warmer temps. When Bob and I visited this area in the winter, we used to laugh at everyone dressed in winter coats, hats, and even gloves when it was in the fifities. To us, it felt almost "tropical" compared to what was in store for us when we returned home. Wait... getting way off track... What I really wanted to say was that instead of freezing while walking, I did some errands that I would have had to do tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to reach the seventies, so it should be a much nicer day for a walk. I'm sorry it's so cold where you are. I hope it warms up enough tomorrow so you can get a walk in too.

I wish I had some advice to give you, but all I can say is that I know how much this loneliness SUCKS!!!, TU!!! I don't watch TV during the day, it just drives me up the wall. When I'm feeling especially lonely in the evenings, I've been tuning out of life and into mindless TV, binge watching NetFlix. It's over the top sad when I find myself singing the theme song to "Gilmore Girls, " TU!!!, lol... I want my life back!!!, TU!!! No more TU!!! for the rest of this message. They've grown stale ages ago and are now way, way past their expiration date. It's a tough habit for me to break. So sorry... I didn't mean to turn this into a way too long vent. Stopping here before I even begin to get going. Backing up a bit, the other thing that sometimes help me deal with all this loneliness is to call a friend from "home." Sometimes I just need the comfort of talking to someone who has known me for most of my life, was a friend of Bob's too, and understands me, even if she doesn't "get" what it's like to lose the one true love of your life. And then there are times when I just have to let all this loneliness wash over me, wrap myself up in my super soft bereavement blanket, with a cup of tea, a box of tissues nearby, and sit in silence, watching the flickering flame of the candle that's on my coffee table.

I think Karen said it best, "do whatever you have to do to get out out of your head until after surgery." As always, thinking about you, keeping you in my daily prayers...

Sending you and JayCee lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you so much Karen.

 

I hear you too. Just can't believe this time is here for me. I know we both try for the kids, it is a freakin nightmare everyday. Like it says, "I miss her so much." I hope and pray we find some semblance of peace. Rick

 

I think the winters are extremely hard for us all. I never had a problem with winters until I became alone. I always had Jack and we kept each other company through the rains and storms. We would play cards, listen to music or a favorite movie, or eat out. Our special time was coffee time. But the best of my memories was Jack loved to cook and was always looking up new recipes to try.
Jack would get up at 6AM, make coffee, feed the cat, start the fire in the wood stove. When I arose at about 7:30 everything was done. I felt spoiled I told him.
We all remember our winters with our love one not being so bad; heck, we had each other to complain about the weather. We had each other.

All of that is gone and the winters are hitting me hard.

 

Thanks Gary. I keep stumbling every day, sideways most days I think. I know it is up to me, but like you, I need something more. So far praying and crying is about the only things that help a little. Dr. doubled my Ambien and anti-depressant. Yes I have. I did get that book, his grief had to be overwhelming. I don't get drunk, it makes me feel too bad. I am going to try the walking, keep saying that but I plan on doing it soon, I hope. Maybe if they ever have grief support meeting around here again, maybe that will help. I truly believe praying to the good Lord is my best chance. And I hope to see Sheila again someday. Thank you for your posts to me Gary, it really helps. God Bless. Rick

 

Hi Rick, it’s a blessing we all have GIC great group
of brothers,sisters united together, with understanding,
love and support. It took me couple years before giving
thought to looking online for a support group. Joining
GIC helped me tremendously.I was able to understand
myself.
I agree with Karen, Gary ,Deb that walking outdoors
really helps.
Daughter told me it’s suppose to snow
here 3 to 5 inches this weekend.BRRRR. Will prepare
foods in advance in case electric goes out.
Praying for God to give comfort and peace to your heart,
along with many others here. Through difficult times
I feel Jesus carrying me, as difficult times ease up “HE sets
me down and tells me go my dear one, you’ll be okay, I’ll always be
near to carry you when you need me to.” HE is always
with you Rick, and all others.
Blessings, Patti

 

I also have to take Ambien to go to sleep. I have been taking it for awhile and wanted to get off of it. Not sure if that is possible now. The past few days have been extra miserable. Haven't felt like doing anything. I also have had problems enjoying any hobbies, pretty much just keep the TV going non stop just because I can't stand the silence. I have also been praying more and reading the Bible. That has been helping. Been thinking about finding a church to go to. It's just so hard without her. Praying for us all.

-Chad

 

Yes it is so true for me too! Very hard

 

I have been trying to read again. Non fiction history type stuff. Even though I have been better with reading I DON'T want to do much of anything. Keeping the lame radio on for noise but the endless horrible music is getting to me. Grief sucks!

 

Some of the load was lifted off my shoulders this morning after I read TGW posts. Another reason to keep stumbling forward for another 24 hour segment. Thanks Patti for your spiritual leadership encouragement and sharing your personal struggles. I saw the storm coming your way too. Rick I appreciate your posts too. Just a little improvement is so important for us. You’re making a comeback! In the book Permission to Mourn a miracle is defined as a change in perception. I had a miracle then. They are rare but wonderful. Chad I’ve been on 5 different sleep meds almost 2 years. Ambien worked the best for me too. The brain fog was getting worse and I talked with the doc and he suggested half doses. I did half for 3 months then stopped 3 months ago. I was getting about 1.5 hours less sleep initially but back to normal in another month. Its a personal preference. We have to sleep number one. Then deal with getting off afterwards. George good to see your post. I know how brutal the winter is in Chicago. Do you think the gym in the compound is safe regarding covid? Lou I hope you are doing well. Thank God we have each other. I keep reminding myself of Bernadine’s battle cry “we are strong enough”. We are warriors. TGW. Gary

 

Hey Gary, I'm not too worried about the K-vid stuff. After all he hell I've gone through in the past 6 years... I just don't care much. Can't handle worrying about anything else right now. But I think it's safe. If I get there. Was so tired yesterday and been giving the GF rides to and from work since she officially moved in last week. I remember when I used to take ambien 10 years ago. At least the Dialysis makes me tired. It was fun driving home Saturday during the freezing rain. A crust of ice on everything. Still too cold but at least a bit warmer here. Take care my Bro!

 

Thank you Patti. I realize now that we never get past our loss. People ask me how I'm doing or how my day went. Then they are looking at me so intently waiting for a smile or a hint that I'm going to be ok. They never will get it I guess, everyone on this group does and it just somehow helps, but I don't have to explain that either. My psychologist told me I would be dead in a year, just wouldn't wake up one morning. I said 'ok', she repeated it, I said 'ok' again. Went to my MD. for my antidepressant meds, told her what the psychologist said. She said I was in good health and should live into my 80's. I cried all the way to my house. And then I thought, what an ungrateful ass I am for hating a good report from my DR. But this life is such a living nightmare, I know Jesus is carrying me right now. Read the Bible everyday and thank the Lord for having such a wonderful person in my life for so long. I am grateful everyday. But after 55 some odd years, the loneliness breaks my heart, Mr. Grief is there waiting patiently for me everyday. Thank you for your heartfelt and caring thoughts. Rick

 

I am 56. I was with my wife since I was 21. She died almost a year ago. I used to be happy at times and act silly and wacky. I lost my sense of humor along with any interest in doing things. My son is the only reason I have to get through dialysis three times a week. I don't really care about anything. I understand the whole Jesus thing but 13 years of catholic school education and dogmatic nuns and images of communist Hellfire and bloody martyrs to a 6 year old after watching his father die of Cancer (like my wife last year) , I just don't get the whole bible thing. That's cool if it works for you. Do whatever it takes to get you through the day. Thanks for listening. You are never totally alone even though it totally feels like that most of the time.

 

George thanks for sharing your personal story. Mom’s side were southern Baptists. I was constantly told I was going to hell as a boy and believed them until 1992 when I almost shot myself. That was the year I was lead into aa by my ex-wife. I had to find a power greater than myself that was all powerful loving and forgiving. I’m sorry but I can’t define it or explain it I just know it exists. GIC is a perfect example. I look at it we’re all on a spiritual journey. My first 4 years sober I went to church every Sunday. After the divorce I started reading Joseph Campbell books on mythology and attending as many Native American Pow Wows as I could. I met a woman who played guitar and sang in a church band and we were together 4 years. When that went south I went into the woods and rivers to find constant peace. A man told me to take a piece of cardboard and poke a bunch of small holes in it and hold it in front of a light. He said the light coming through the holes were a variety of religions and spiritual practices which came from the same source the light. With all the division and hatred going on now the light from the individual holes makes it possible to coexist with people who differ from us. What ever beliefs work for the individual is the best. Rick I couldn’t help but get a LMSO(laugh my sad off) when you said ok twice to your therapist. We are truly fearless about death after losing our beloved. Rick your loss is very new and intense. You’re going to feel all this pain now. Remember we have to by extra gentle and kind to ourselves. Imagine looking at a stranger who has gone through all you have. Wouldn’t you feel compassion for them? I have to do things to distract my mind or I’ll be daydreaming about grief all day. We are looking for temporary relief only for now. I would much rather take the news from your doctor than therapist. I believe you are doing the best you can. Notice how hard Lou is trying to recover. Sometimes it takes a long time to get the results we want. Keep on trucking. Gary

 

Thank you Gary, reading the Bible (New Testament) is one of the only things that helps me. My therapist also told me that if I survive, it takes 3 years to grieve. I just try to get through each day. Just keep on going for awhile longer, remember the old song 'Honey'? Never thought it would pertain to me, but being young and invincible, well never thought it would come to this. Me and Captain Morgon had a time last night, not tonight. Take care, thanks. Rick

 

I hear you. I have the TV on quite a bit, turned up for silence override. Something funny comes on and I can't crack a smile. I do read the New Testament every day, and it helps. Hope you find something that helps you. Like all of us, hang in there. Rick