I miss her so much

Gary, thank you for your reply. This site helps some, just the recognition that someone understands helps. The support from people and relatives I always thought I could count on never really materialized. I know, I have been told by some I will never get over it. I believe that, reality hits hard. I will look up some of the reading you suggested. Thank you for your understanding. May God Bless us all. Rick

 

Thank you so much for your reply. I know it is unbelievably hard. I thought she would at least come home on hospice but I know the Lord knows best. But nothing seems to help really, we both know that, but I'm glad I found this site. The people and family around I don't think has a clue. I think most here do, I'm sorry about you losing your husband, that must have been so hard on you. I'm going to do my best to move forward, My God Bless you Karen, my name is Rick.

 

Good morning Rick. You’re right our friends and family don’t have a clue what it’s like to lose a spouse. That’s what’s nice about GIC we hear our fellow TGW(The grief warriors ) experiencing the same misunderstanding with their friends and family. Regardless what they do or say the main thing is to be kind and gentle and patient with ourselves. If someone would call I would not answer a lot of the time because I was emotionally drained. I would text them back a reply I am not taking any calls. if you want to contact me text me. Our facilitator in my grief support meetings recommends if someone wants to bring us a meal tell them thanks and knock on the door and deposit the meal and leave. Our facilitator also says we need to stay with the people who will let us grieve and understand us and also with the people who remain neutral. we have to stay away from the people who are trying to fix us. We must keep reminding ourselves to be kind and gentle to ourselves. We need to stay physically active. And take our medicine plus eat healthy too. I had to start taking an extra dose of anti-depressants. When I get up in the morning I sit in front of a happy light (light therapy) and read my meditations. then I have a good breakfast. I do my physical therapy and then I get on the aarp.org site and playing staying sharp games. This has been a good routine for me I have grown into. Right now Rick all you’re trying to do is survive. We are here for you. Gary

 

Ordered the 2 books you recommended, won't be in for awhile. Good suggestion on doing something positive in the morning, it's gotten to where I barley want to drink my morning coffee. GIC is small but I really appreciate the understanding I guess, I get I'm sorry from many and I appreciate that too. I am just trying to survive, you got that right. I hope I can. So far take my pills ok, but appetite is dwindling. Drink my protein shake though. Thank you Gary.

 

Thank you for reply. I am sorry for your loss as well.

 

Thank you for taking time to reply. I am sorry it has taken me some time to reply. I am so sorry for your loss as well. I have good and bad moments. I tell people I'm doing okay even though I don't think I will ever be okay again. I have read one of the books suggested here "Permission to mourn" and it has helped a bit. I plan on starting with a support group next month. I have no idea what I am doing, just taking it one breath at a time.

 

I have "Permission to mourn" and it has helped I am currently reading the "Widower's Notebook". Thank you for suggesting these books.

 

One breath at a time is a true way to explain how I feel too. I am looking at support groups in the future, hope that helps all of us.

 

We are not alone! My wife Valerie died on Feb 20 after a two year fight against incurable cancer. The support on this site is tremendous. A year ago I was watching her painful death. Mr. Grief is a constant companion I try to be kind to myself because I know I did the best I can. It is never easy. i feel blank and hopeless much of the time. Valerie was my best friend and soulMate we were together for 34 years. Her last wish was for me to be happy. I keep on trying. I keep seeing her in my mind suffering ... You are not alone. You are here to help yourself be strong because that\s what our wives would have wanted.

 

Chad,

I'm glad "Permission to Mourn," has helped you, even it's just a little bit. The "right" in person support group can be a great source of support and comfort. I hope the first one you attend is a good fit for you, but if not, hopefully there are others in your area that you can check out.

It's been eight months since Bob died. Sadly, from now on life is always going to be bittersweet for all of us, happy mixed with sad... as one of my GIC friends said to you in a prior message. (She has explained it this way lots of times. She expresses this strange feeling the best, so I have "adopted" happy mixed with sad from her.)

Some of the best advice I've been given is to be honest when people ask you how you're doing. I've also "adopted" this way of handling this sort of situation from someone who attended a support group I used to go to. He told me that when someone asks me how I'm doing to respond by saying I miss Bob, but am doing the best I can under these circumstances. After saying this, I thank the person for asking me, then quickly change the subject by asking the person how he or she is doing. This takes some of the awkwardness out of the situation. It also lets that person know you appreciated him or her taking the time to ask you how you're feeling.

I hope today you have at least one reason to smile...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George and everyone, a quote from Center for Loss on mourning and grief. Sounds painful, but I guess necessary.

1. You must say hello before you can say goodbye.
2. You must make friends with the darkness before you can enter the light.
3. You must go backward before you can go forward

Now it's coffee time at 9:30 here in Calif, raining and snow, hooray. Bless you, keep upright. Karen

 

Karen,

My chrome book has hit super slo mo mode again, so have to keep this short. I LOVE!!! this!!! I either missed this one or archived it and with this widow foggy brain thing happening all the time, forgot about it. I'm going to write this down, put a copy of it on my refrigerator. Thank you so much for sharing!!!

Sorry about the snow and rain... Sounds like a good day to stay inside, cuddle up with Rambo.

As always, sending you and Rambo lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb great to see your encouraging post today. When anyone asks me how I’m doing I have to suppress my anger before answering them. That’s and great idea to change the subject and show concern for them. Chad glad you’re reading the book permission to mourn. Read the chapter “you are stronger than you think” several times a day. I had a follow up appointment with my doctor over an Emotional bottom I hit 3 months after losing Cheryl. I basically told him I’m not as bad as I was but I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. There is an out break of people getting sick here. My regular nurse has Covid and the nurse that helped me today was just returning to work from pneumonia. I was going to do a lab but opted out because the clinic was packed with sick people. My in person grief support meeting is tomorrow so I’ll try again. I just came in from being in the woods 2 hours. It was great to get outside and see the sun and sky. Thanks for the quote Karen. I like the phrase you used yesterday about staying in the circle of light. Gary

 

I always feel God's presence when I visualize myself in a circle of light protecting me with God's warm spirit surrounding me. I hope you and others can visualize this. I set my mind to meditate then I'm in my bubble of light. It really feels heavenly. May sound corny. When my son died in 2019 I surrounded him with light just before he took his last breath. It's so spirit filled. Okay, enough.
Gary wear your mask at the support meeting tomorrow, I assume everyone does. Looks like mean Covid variant is returning.

 

I’m sorry Karen I didn’t know you lost your son so recently too. That does not sound corny to me. I tried some mindfulness in the woods today. I’ve had better results before but I’ll take anything I can get. Everyone masks up at the Peggy Murphy Center. It’s the house rules. We have 12-20 people. And a great facilitator. Gary

 

Thanks Gary. My son died at the hands of the LVN. My son should of gone to ER, instead the LVN at home played doctor thinking he could fix the injury. My son was rushed to the hospital three days later died from Septis infection. The LVN was fired and last I heard under investigation. Similar to Johnathan's wife, Joy, who's life may have been prevented. That was Sept 2019, Jack died one year and three months later. Double whammy. They both are here with me in their urns in my office waiting for me to be with them. We three will be buried under a pine tree in the forest.

Wow! 12-20 people. If it's male and female maybe you will meet a nice lady there. Blessings to you, K

 

That is a major double whammy. I’m very sorry Karen. Sounds like a great reunion coming to me though. On Mom’s side at their reunions they sing the song “Glad Reunion Day”. I think it’s beautiful. “Glad day wonderful day it will be a glad reunion day” is one verse. If all goes according to plan my ashes will join Cheryl’s at the bottom of a hill that over looks a lake in a woods. I’m not positive but there is a chance that the hill is a Native American mound. I had no idea when I took the selfie it was Cheryl’s and my last hike around the lake in my avatar photo. On the other side of the lake in the avatar is where Cheryl was returned to the Great Earth Mother. I have felt Cheryl’s presence off and on. I believe Cheryl has a powerful spirit. I believe more will be revealed. The women out number the men at least two to one in the grief meetings. One lady is 88 and another is 26. I did find some volunteer work there. that stopped two weeks ago. I’m going to meet up with a volunteer tomorrow and walk the Eagle Marsh Nature Preserve before the meeting. Sleep well. Gary

 

That is so beautiful, serene, in a Native American mound as you project. The Great Earth Mother. I believe Cheryl does have a powerful spirit.

Yes, hoping to sleep well, not tight no Germans in my bed tonight as my German friend says. Sleep Tight.
Hey, to this day her daughter who has two kids also sleep in one bed here in Calif.

 

I am so sorry to hear that. That must have been so hard. When people ask me how I'm doing I just say 'OK', or maybe 'I'm getting through another day'. The people on this site knows that really means not good or worse. I'm not looking forward to my first Christmas Holiday in 55 years without my wife. We were hi-school sweethearts before we were married 53 years. After my wandering and crying around the house, the Praying starts and I am through another day. Thank everyone that is sharing their grief and stories on this site. It does help sharing with someone who really understands.

 

Rick, Yes it does help sharing on this site. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's like a lifetime sharing, loving and caring for a spouse and the end is so devastating. We all know death waits us, but to be left alone after losing one's love for such a long time is painful, unbelievable and where do we go from here?
Did I say my name is Karen? I've been on this forum for 1 year and it's such a comfort to know everyone is with you and you can vent, say anything and no judgments here. Keep Upright! meaning don't fall mentally or spiritually.