I miss her so much

Thanks. Chad, I'd be honored to be your
"dad", but that makes me feel old, so I'd
rather think of you as our youngest
"brother"! When I finished The Widower's
Notebook, I emailed Jonathan to thank him
for his amazing book. I also said he was
like an older brother I never had. He
shocked and surprised me, by writing
back 2 nights later, even though he's a
busy author. Jonathan was very
compassionate about my sad story of
Linda's last days on earth, and said he'd
be honored and proud to be my brother.
Lou

 

It’s good to see us five brothers interacting regularly now. Rick I agree with Karen on the presence we feel from our beloved. I burned the pile of dead flowers from Cheryl’s garden with the residue from the zip bag that contained Cheryl’s ashes yesterday. I had forgot about doing it until I read Bernadine’s post. I lit the fire as the sun began to set. Today I am going to clean the house. I used to only be responsible for the upstairs. George since TB does the cooking does GF do the cleaning? If so you’re living the dream life. I was asked to volunteer at the hospice Christmas dinner for the residents and family Christmas day. I thought deep before committing. It is over just as my cousin Sherry’s party begins. So I’ll make it a doubleheader. I can’t survive this isolation forever. I have to get out of my comfort zone. I don’t want any atta boys please. I’m doing this to help myself. I’m dreading cleaning the house more though. We must press on. We will never stop. We are TGW united in our pain and hope. Gary

 

I’m so sorry you lost Foxy earlier this year. Teddy my dachshund is my constant companion, a gift from Ron 11 years ago. I’d be lost without him and hearing him walking around etc. I agree that choosing another pet by yourself would be very difficult. But some day in the future it possibly will like it’s time. You’ll know when and ifto act on it. I love that your daughter stays over a few nights each week. My daughter did that after she was back at her house. It gave me something to look forward to. And sad and lonely when she left. But I knew she’d be back in a few days. That’s a good idea on putting your home in your daughters name. I hadn’t thought of that. I have Ron’s truck and my car in our business name. We ran a business together that I had to close. I’m not sure how to change them to my name. And with the dmv by appointment only it’s hard to get the info on what I need. People tell me with the appointments you’re still there a long time. I guess I’ll figure it out eventually.
Do try to get fresh air, it’s worth a try. Maybe when your daughter is there.
Take care, Robin

 

Indeed she does but unfortunately she is often at work so things are a mess. I can't seem to pull it together and do stuff. Then I realize why that is... duh!

 

Gary, I can’t find your post that I read earlier about feeling pressure on your legs as you lay in bed. I feel that was Cheryl being there with you. How I decide if it’s Ron is if there’s no explanation as to why something happened. If I can’t come up with some other reason, then it had to be Ron letting me know he’s here and watching over me. Cheryl is letting you know. It’s such a wonderful feeling. I hope you get many more visits.
I haven’t been on here much, but I have been reading on and off. Feeling a bit overwhelmed with the holidays and now my brother joining us at my home on Christmas Day. Their plans changed and he has always spent every holiday here with us but the extra people, it will only be 4 but last minute added. I’m just full of emotions and trying to get through. Plus his girlfriend hurt me on thanksgiving. She’s been much nicer since., thankfully. We’ll see.
But I see you are all GW fighting the fight. We’ll all get through, and hopefully won’t be as bad as our minds conjure up
Keep working towards better days, they’ll happen just keep fighting towards them. Robin

 

Patti,

I've been MIA for days. I'm finding that the closer we get to Christmas, the more alone time I need. I'm over the top sad, but have been experiencing a new sense of "calm," a feeling that I haven't experienced since 2015, before Bob's kidney cancer diagnosis, before his health began it's slow decline, before picking up the pace in 2018, and me becoming his full time caregiver. (I think I've probably written the most run on sentences in history!!!, but since George has forgiven me, and all the other GW, from any and all past, or future, run on sentences, I'm free to "talk" away without interrupting my stream of consciousness, lol... Thanks George!!!) It's strange that I'm able to experience this new sense of "calm" while sitting in total silence..., wrapped in my super soft bereavement blanket, a box of tissues my only companion, with a cup of herbal tea, watching the flickering flame of a candle on my coffee table... I'm so sad... needing zillions of tissues, but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I'm feeling this new feeling of "calm," and it's such a good feeling!!!, TU!!!

I remember my friend who lost her husband before we lost Jack and Bob, telling me that being a full time caregiver was the hardest part, that the grieving process, although the pain is way beyond total heartbreak, is easier to deal with than the constant stress 24/7 of never knowing when the next ambulance trip will be, the next hospitalization, etc., etc., etc... I didn't understand how she could feel this way, until just recently, when I experienced this new feeling of "calm." Now, I'm beginning to see this from her pov. Bob is no longer suffering. For this I'm more grateful to God, than I ever can express in words... I am finally for the first time since the beginning of 2015, able to put myself first. I feel selfish saying this, and I would do anything to be able to take care of Bob 24/7, have Bob back again, but I think if I kept going at the pace I was going, I would have eventually fallen apart, unable to take care of him the way he deserved to be taken care of, and unable to take care of myself. I think I might have contradicted myself, so I hope this makes sense. I'm an emotional mess!!!, but a "calm" emotional mess...

I totally "get" that miserable lonely feeling of being in the house alone... It SUCKS!!!, but at the same time, I need to be alone in my house, I think it's helping me move forward... I go through boxes of tissues!!!, TU!!! Lou once said whoever owns the Kleenex Company should be grateful for TGW (or something similar to this). I am a member of a warehouse, and order tissues by the case on line. I'm not able to shop here in person. Too many memories... Not a big enough purse, or enough pockets, to carry all the tissues I would need to get through even a short trip. Backing up a bit, I'm so glad that your walks, and fresh air when Mother Nature decides to be kind to you, are helping you combat this way beyond miserable feeling of loneliness... To repeat, it SUCKS!!!

Patti, you are an amazing person... having selflessly taken care of Jack 24/7 for so many more years than I took care of Bob... I smiled big time when I read that you are getting in some exercise, and didn't let the bad weather stop you. I love that you have a treadmill available to you as a backup plan. I'm so sorry that you have serious health issues that you have to deal with, but at the same time, I'm so happy that you're doing everything to take care of yourself the best you possibly can... It's been so good "talking" to you. I hope the next time you visit TGW, your health will have improved, and you'll have some good news to share with us.
As always, you and all of TGW are in my daily prayers...

Sending lots of hugs to you and JayCee, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary, I agree with you about how great it is
to interact with our 5 brothers. When I
joined a "widowed persons" group, right
after Linda died, I was the only man, with
20 women. The women couldn't conceive of
the idea of being with another man after
their husbands died. They got together
instead, and became very involved with
their children & grandchildren. Since I
had neither, I got tired of the group. Not
having another guy with whom to talk,
was a missing piece. Talking with my
brothers here is so much better for me. I
like our sense of humor and can picture us
getting together. Lou

 

George,

Sending lots of hugs your way... I "get" the feeling of not being into Christmas!!!, TU!!! I didn't do any decorating (so unlike me!!!), not even a wreath on my front door. I was honest when people asked me about my plans. I kept it short and to the point. I told them that with this being the first Christmas without Bob, I'm not able to celebrate it, and have decided to spend Christmas traveling with my son. After saying this, I quickly changed the subject, and asked them what their plans are for Christmas. I found everyone was happy to tell me about how they were spending the holiday, although I'm sure I made some of them feel uncomfortable with what I said. I think it was Tom Zuba, although with this foggy widow brain thing going on 24/7, not positive, who said that in order to move forward, we need to mourn, we need to let others know how we're feeling. Wait... I'm almost positive it was Tom Zuba who said this... Anyway, it doesn't matter who said it, I'm finding that I feel a tiny bit better when I'm honest with others even if I know it's going to make them uncomfortable being around me. But and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I keep my comments short, to the point, and quickly ask them about themselves. This seems to work for me. Take it or leave it. I hope you "know" me well enough by now, that you won't hurt my feelings, if you don't do this, lol...

It's getting late, and I have lots I have to do before picking my son up at the airport on Christmas Eve. I can't wait to see him!!!, TU!!!, but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, it's so bittersweet... Bob should be with me... I need a tissue. Stopping here...

Sending zillions more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I'm thrilled to see that you wrote one
of your famous "books" to our good friend,
Patti. I miss you but understand your
need to be alone, and experience calm,
and not feel guilty that you have to DO
something all the time, but to BE, in the
moment. You have come incredibly far in
your 8 month mourning journey. I admire
you, bc I remember how difficult it was
for me, less than a year after Linda died.
Her spirit will be with me forever, as
Bob's spirit will be with you. May you
have a Merry Christmas with your son.
Lou

 

Deb, it's wonderful to see you writing one
of your comforting, sometimes humorous
"books" to both Patti and George -----so
far. But, "and this is another one of those
BIG BUTS!!!", where is your "book" to me?!
Lou

 

Gary,

I think your advice to "get out of yourself by some kind of deed of service to help another human being," is excellent advice. A neighbor who I didn't know until recently, lost his wife in October. He is not only totally heartbroken, but is having major surgery at the end of this month. I offered to help him out in any way I possibly can. I'm glad he is going to take me up on my offer. It is the very first time since Bob's death that I feel strong enough to do this. I don't believe in coincidences, and believe we were meant to meet, just like my friend who lost her husband prior to me losing Bob, were meant to meet. I am so very grateful for her friendship and support... Now I feel I can finally pay it forward. It's a really good feeling!!!, TU!!!

Backing up a bit, when I found out his wife passed away, I mailed him a copy of "Permission To Mourn." He thinks it's an excellent book and finds it very helpful. I didn't know at first if I should mail him a copy because everyone grieves differently and has different ways of dealing with grief, different beliefs, etc.... The book has helped so many people and TGW too, so after thinking about it, I decided to go for it. I'm so glad I did. So glad Lou recommended the book to all of us.

Stopping here. Still have lots to do before my son's arrival... Plus, I need to rake again. Leaves... "the gift that keeps on giving." Thinking that old movie, "Christmas Vacation." This movie was a Deb and Bob holiday tradition. Not sure I''ll ever be able to watch it again... Need a tissue!!! Stopping here before I really get going...

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Sorry to hear about Foxy. I have a Shih Tzu named Fergie and Lizzy had her as a puppy when I met her. So I have known her for just as long and am grateful for her company. When I first brought her back to the house she just ran from room to room and ended sleeping on Lizzy's favorite chair, didn't want to eat or play. She has gotten back to her crazy self though and makes me smile and laugh. If you do get another pet I hope they bring you some joy and smiles.

-Chad

 

Lou,

MIA for now, lol...

Really have some things I need to do. Plus, those leaves... And, if the leaves aren't bad enough, it's freezing here... Only in the VERY low fifties, lots of wind. You can make fun of me... I know I have absolutely no right to complain about the weather!!!, TU!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, thank you for always giving me
credit for suggesting. Jonathan's book. We
loved that movie, too, as well as the
original National Lampoon cross country
trip., I'd rather not see those movies ,
without Linda. Lou

 

Thanks, Deb. Even though it's not a book,
I'll accept a chapter!! Lou

 

Could be the shortest "chapter" in history...

 

Thanks for writing. I'm feeling particularly blank today. Not interested in anything much. Just want to be alone. First Christmas w/o V! ? ! ...

 

Deb, I wonder what Bob would've
said to that! Lou

 

Deb you are going to be stronger after helping your neighbor with his medical trips. Remember what Lou has taught us if we express our grief at the beginning of the encounter with family or close friends we function so much better than holding the pain in. Robin it was Rick who felt Shelia pressing down on his legs in bed. Sometimes we get the feeling that we know they are with us. I have a theory that if we put together a sequence of memories about our beloved their presence will come. But I haven’t tried it yet. I have another theory that they can travel here from the afterlife faster than the speed of light. George hang in there Bro. This will be another huge milestone for you. Maybe you’ll have a beautiful dream or vision about Valerie. Keep remembering the good memories. Write a list of them. Bath in them. Feel the love Bro. You can do it Ampelopie! I’m glad I won’t be alone on Christmas. One of my few favorite Christmas songs is the Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie. Take care. Gary

 

Gary, you have a great memory. I forgot
I said those words, bc I wing it as I go
along. I have trouble keeping up with
you. After all, I am older than you! I try
to keep my mind sharp, by meeting
new people, and making an effort to
remember their names. I usually have to
write the names down and memorize
them. Like you, I derive much pleasure
in music, and try to see live piano, or
singer/ guitarists, at lunchtime in my
local cafe, like I did today. Liu