I miss her so much

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by csmith532, Nov 16, 2021.

  1. csmith532

    csmith532 Well-Known Member

    I lost my wife just a few weeks ago. She was my love and my best friend. She did have some illness but was not on her death bed until one week she was. I feel guilty that maybe I missed something or maybe I should have mad her be healthier somehow. She fought for a week in the hospital. She had sepsis then pneumonia then went into septic shock and faded away. I just want her back so bad. I am not even sure what I am doing here.

    My mind just keeps coming up with these thoughts and I don't know why. Like the fact she was born a day after her mom's birthday and passed on her dad's birthday. My dad died when he was 38 and I am 38.
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  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. Try not to put guilt on yourself. We all tend to do that. We have a need to blame someone so we blame ourselves. I’m sure you did every in your power to support her and care for her. I’ve done the same thing, start blaming myself. I lost my husband very suddenly 3 yrs ago today, Nov 17th. He had a massive heart attack and was taken from our beautiful life in 2 hours. So unexpected, he was healthy, at least we thought so. I dread the anniversary date of his passing, your loss is so resent, I know you’re going through a lot your life changed in an instant and everything feels wrong.
    I think you’re mind is coming up with those things because you’re devastated by your loss. Your mind is grasping for a reason, we start thinking about everything. I’m so sorry you lost hour dad when you were so young and now your wife and she was very young.
    Try to get fresh air every day and to take. Care of yourself your wife would want that. This site is very helpful, visit and share stories, everyone on here understand your pain and what you’re going through. You’re not alone. Robin.
  3. csmith532

    csmith532 Well-Known Member

    Thanks I appreciate that. Sometimes it doesn't feel like a I can make 3 more days I don't know how I could do 3 years. I'm sorry for your loss as well.
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much. If I’m honest I don’t know how I’m here either. I didn’t think I could live an hour after Ron passed. But I make him my reason to get up every day. I want him to still be proud I’m his wife. I do things to honor him and our life together. That helps me. I know and understand all your pain right now. This is a long process, many ups and downs. Most downs in the early grieving. Things very slowly change and you might not even realize. It’s that slow. But one day you’ll smile instead of cry hearing a song or seeing something you watched together. Food, memories. Whatever. And you’ll think wow I just smiled. Smiles with tears happen often. Some people talk about healing. I’m 3years in today. I don’t feel healed. But I do feel stronger.
    I hope you have family and friends offering you support. It’s very important to talk. I didn’t find this site until almost at the first year anniversary. I was not doing well. I give this site credit for helping me out of that very low spot.
    Baby steps. Don’t push yourself. Robin
  5. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

    Bill Lathrop (2021)

    We, Too

    Was I born just to meet you...?

    Was I born just to know you…?

    Was I born just to love you…?

    Do I only exist just because of you…?

    If you had not entered my life, would I ever walk this earth with you as my Wife…

    Start here and Repeat below the 2nd time through

    You are the reason I took my first breath…

    And I am sure you will be with me when I draw my last...at my death.

    I have survived these many years because you have walked with me…

    Together…and soon, forever...free...

    You are the reason why I wake up each day…

    You shine brightly before me in every way…

    You are the reason that I choose to stay…

    You are the reason I exist…

    You are the reason I cannot resist my destiny that awakens when I think of you...

    And reveals a portal where the true meaning of love shines through...

    No matter where I am or what I do...When I just think of you...

    Only you…only You…The best we have for each other is what is due...

    But For Me... It’s Only God, me, and You...just our Maker... and... We... Too...

    We, Too
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  6. Billfromwa

    Billfromwa Well-Known Member

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  7. csmith532

    csmith532 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Reading this reply helped me today. I feel fortunate that my family and hers have been a great support. I have been staying at her mom and dad's. Being at home by myself is the worst for me. We have so many memories and spent so much time there together it just feels wrong being there without her. I work overnight and at home and it's been tough. She come in while I was working to give me a kiss, hug, or neck rub. Sometimes she would just sit in my office for as long as she could stay awake just to be with me. We have had a Shih Tzu dog and she has also been staying at her abuelitas also. I brought her to our house to not be alone and it actually made me more sad. She just went from room to room and ended sitting on my wife's favorite chair for hours. Don't even know if it's healthy for me to be staying at mom and dad's, I feel like I don't know anything right now. I thought about selling the house and I felt so guilty, like I was trying to get rid of her. I am a complete mess. She was my everything.
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  8. Gaby

    Gaby Member

    I understand. I can’t believe I made it to 4 years since my beloved husband passed away, suddenly, apparently he was healthy.
    I could not function many few weeks, what kept me going was God. I slept a lot, my family made me walk, coaxed me to eat. We are fragile, but, one day at a time, sometimes, one moment at a time…
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  9. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Lifting you in prayer, I’m so sorry, I fully understand all
    you are going through. My name is Patti , I lost my
    Dear Husband Jack to Parkinson’s. Can I ask your
    name and that of your dear wife.
    GIC has been a blessing for me, communicating
    with others here whom understand this journey through
    loss of our precious love one, it was two years after
    I lost Jack that I searched on line for a support grief group
    THANKFULLY God helped me to find GIC.
    My Jack and I wee married 61 years he was diagnosed
    at 57 I was 54 years old. (Due to PD he fell caused
    brain injury) needing my total care 24-7 at our home
    his last nine years.
    So many folks here have helped me to understand
    the feelings I have had , those I still have. I hope
    you will stay withGIC , I’ll will be keeping you and all
    Others I my prayers.
    Blessings, Patti
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  10. csmith532

    csmith532 Well-Known Member

    Her name was Liz mine is Chad. She was 39 I am 38. She took such good care of me and I loved doting on her. She was my person. I can feel all alone even when surrounded by friends and family. It just hurts so much.

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  11. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Hi Chad I’m very sorry about losing Liz. This is by far the hardest thing you’re ever going to go through. But you do not have to do it alone. My name is Gary I lost my girlfriend of nine years Cheryl suddenly and unexpectedly to a cardiac arrest 6 1/2 months ago. Cheryl had no known health issues and there were no warning signs. Like you and Liz Cheryl was my orbit we did everything together. she was the best friend I have ever had. The first six weeks after Cheryl’s death I was only getting about three hours of sleep and my blood pressure and heart rate spiked. It was difficult to make simple decisions and I thought I was going crazy. These are all normal feelings after the loss of a spouse. Two weeks after Cheryl passed away I found a local grief support group that meets the second and fourth Tuesday. I also scheduled counseling. Until I found GIC (which was the first of October) I was totally alone with my grief. there’s not as many people participating on GIC as I thought there would be. but our members are the most kindest caring supportive people I have ever known. Take Robin’s suggestion and check out some of the other threads. Go to the thread that’s having the most activity. The most important feeling in group support is the feeling that we belong. I’m looking forward to getting to know you better. I’m glad you’re here. Gary
  12. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Hi Chad, I just got back on line , glad to see Gary
    posted to you, Gary gave great suggestions using GIC.
    Thank you for sharing your first names. I had never
    used a group forum before joining GIC, am so thankful
    I stayed.
    While taking full time care of Jack , many
    times with his whispered voice he would ask me,
    “ Patti, are you okay.” during difficult
    times clear as a bell, I hear his soft words asking ,
    I speak aloud telling him, “yes , I’m okay”. I find
    It comforting.
    Jack sounds like your Liz,
    through his illness, he always wanted to know I’m
    okay, and to be near me.
    Will keep you in prayer Chad,
    Blessings, Patti
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  13. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm so very sorry for your loss. I HATE!!! that words are so inadequate to express my feelings, but since they're all I have, I hope you know how truly sorry I am. I wish I had been able to respond sooner. I've been stuck for way too long at the bottom of this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions... The holiday season has only made things worse.

    Very briefly, my husband, Bob, suffered from many chronic illnesses, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018 that I became his full time caregiver. He died April 11th of this year. I can't believe that it'll be eight months since he passed away... On a daily basis, time seems to stand still, but at the same time, it seems to go by so quickly... In the beginning, although I knew he was gone, although I couldn't sleep, and couldn't get the horrific pictures of that last night/early morning of his life out of my mind, I was sort of numb, sort of in disbelief, knowing logically that he wouldn't, but irrationally expecting him to walk through the front door at any minute.

    Bob wanted more than anything else to be "on the right side of the dirt," as he always used to say. No matter how much pain he was in, he found something good in each and every day. Now that he is gone, I'm struggling to rebuild my shattered life, struggling to find my purpose in life, wanting so much to be able to not only find my purpose, but also some kind of happiness again, although I have no idea what this new kind of happiness will look like. I don't believe that I'm still on this earth just to be miserable. I have to believe this. If I didn't, I don't think I would be able to survive this absolute misery.

    Sadly, life from now on will always be so bittersweet, happiness mixed with sadness, as one of my friend's on this site told me. I wish this Christmas I had a magic wand... could give every single member on GIC one day filled with only happiness...

    The friends I've made on GIC, are helping me not only survive, but to continue to move forward, always here to pick me up when I trip, stumble, and fall, along this miserable path towards healing... I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I hope you'll stick around, give us the opportunity to get to know you better, and you the opportunity to get to know us better too.

    Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  14. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Although words seem so inadequate at times like this, they're all I have. I'm so very sorry for your loss... My husband, Bob suffered from many chronic illnesses, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018 that I became his full time caregiver. He died April 11th of this year.

    Guilt is such a useless emotion and I wish none of us suffered from it. All the should have's could have's would have's just seem to keep us stuck, like we're spinning our wheels in the mud, unable to get out of the ditch. Although rationally I knew that Bob's death wasn't my fault, like you, I suffered from all those would have's, should have's, could have's. It took me awhile, but I finally accepted that there was nothing I could have done to save him.

    A good friend of mine on this site, Lou, suggested two excellent books to all of us. The first one is "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba. The second one is " A Widower's Notebook," by Jonathan Santlofer. Since my husband, Bob, died, I have trouble retaining information and also expressing myself in words. I used to love to read, now the only books I'm able to read are bereavement books. My favorite is "Permission To Mourn." It is a very short book and can easily be read in a couple of hours. I keep both of them on my nightstand and reread parts of them often.

    I want to keep on "talking" to you, but need to get a walk in. Walking, being outside in nature, some fresh air and sunshine, is one of my favorite ways to fight what another friend calls "Mr. Grief." Some days are better than others, on this miserable, seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions, but lately, I've been stuck at the very bottom of the ride.

    I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I hope you will stick around, give us the chance to get to know you better. The support from friends here is absolutely amazing. I never thought an online support group would be able to help me as much as GIC has. I hope you will find GIC to be a safe place for for you to come to whenever you want/need to "talk," or "listen" to others stories, as we all struggle to find our purpose in life again, some sort of happiness again, while having suffering the worst kind of heartbreak imaginable.

    Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  15. csmith532

    csmith532 Well-Known Member

    I appreciate it. Sorry for your loss as well.
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  16. csmith532

    csmith532 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I will check those books out. Sorry for your loss as well.
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  17. 1guy

    1guy Well-Known Member

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  18. 1guy

    1guy Well-Known Member

    Chad I feel all you said. I lost my wife of 53 years last month, I am so heartbroken. She was in the hospital, pneumonia took her. Went to see a psychologist, was told time was the main thing, and when I was ready, join a crisis group, maybe get a pet, talk to God, know Jesus, since I'm retired, get a part time job. Wish I could say something that would help all of us, but how can I when I don't want to go on myself. Reading these posts helps a little, it's like I wrote some of them. Give yourself time to grieve, that's all I can do. Guess I'll go wander around the house some more. You are not alone, wishing you the best. God Bless.
  19. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    1guv, so sorry about your wife. You are so new only a month. I lost my Jack 1 year ago to cancer. I had him home with hospice for two weeks and he passed away. Even though he was here in a hospital bed in pain I still felt he was with me and when they took him away in a gurney wrapped up in a white zippered sheet I lost it.
    I think your psychologist is right, when you're ready, get a pet, join a crisis group and talk to God. I think you will find help here on this forum too. Bless you, my name is Karen my husband is Jack.
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  20. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Hello 1Guy. I’m sorry for your loss too. I hate to tell you but we never get over losing a spouse. Like Karen said we don’t have to go through it alone. My name is Gary. I made a post on this thread earlier and won’t repeat myself if you’ve already read it. We know what you are going through. GIC is by far the best survival tool I have. I go to a local grief support meeting but it only meets once every other week. It took me over a month to get counseling. After I found GIC I canceled counseling. I joined GIC the first of October. There are only about a dozen active members on loss of spouse. I thought there would be hundreds. Go the the thread that is most action and join us. Everyone including me is in a slump right now. I mean our interactions have slowed down. But it will pick up. A lot of us have read the book Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba along with The Widower’s Note Book by Jonathon Santloffer. The books are a guide to navigate grief. Check out Centers for loss and life transitions. On this site there is an article “6 needs of reconciliation for the Mourner.” I highly recommend this. They have other free information that help also. We need direction and a scientific approach for this. I Look forward to talking with you. Gary
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