I lost my partner suddenly on his birthday August 14, 2018

Discussion in 'LGBTQ Loss' started by Jason M Gardner, Mar 12, 2019.

  1. Jason M Gardner

    Jason M Gardner New Member

    On August 14, 2018 my life changed forever with the turn of a doorknob.

    I feel so much guilt from my partners passing. I feel as if it is somehow my fault. You see, the night before my best friend and soulmate, John, died, we had an argument and both said some cruel things to each other. I know that we both didn't mean the things we said to one another. I thought "this too shall pass" as it has on other small occasions.

    My partner and I both suffer from bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. Him more advanced with his sympoms with this disease than I.

    Let me go back to the beginning of the end.....The night before John's birthday, we had an argument so he decided to sleep in the guest room. This wasn't nessesarily alarming due to the fact that on occasion he would go in there to isolate when he was feeling very depressed. Most of the time I could help him get some relief from his mental illness. At least for a moment anyway. I could make him laugh and we act very silly. Silly that only a couple would feel comfortable with in private. Well, after the argument, it was pretty much diffused just as soon as it began. But he still wanted to be alone. Understandably so. I can remember him saying that he wanted to sleep in the next day, his birthday, and to wake him up late afternoon so he could have some cake. He did state that he'd like to postpone his birthday dinner until the following day. So, I respected his wishes.

    The next morning I went to pick up his preordered birthday cake. It was a Winnie the Poo cake. He loved the poo gang and we had just seen the movie "Christopher Robin" the previous week. We had pet names of indearmemt for each other. His was "Daddy Bear" because he was like a big old Teddy Bear. And I was "Donkey" because he said I was so laid back and always seemed to have a dark cloud following me. So the cake was fitting.

    I waited until around 4 o'clock to wake him. Little did I know that my whole world, my safe place, my persona, would be forever erased from the everyday resistance. I won't get into the details of what horror and terror I experienced. It was much more than I could handle. I've never seen a dead body before, let alone my life partner. We were to be married. A neighbor told me that he was planning a surprise wedding. We already had the promise rings.

    Jumping ahead, I don't remember much after I found him laying there blue and lifeless. My therapist agrees that perhaps I'm suffering from PTSD along with everything else. Now I'm an official basket case.

    In the interim, his mother who used to call me son, and his sistet, have turned against me. His sister sued me to leave the premises of the condo we shared. Unfortunately I was not on the mortgage and we hadn't yet made it to the alter. I lost my home, my love, and my selfworth. I cry everyday as if it just happened yesterday. I just want you die to get some relief from my excusiatring pain. All signs are pointing twords suicide. But his family wont tell me what is on the corners report (they had it blacked out for the general public) and I was never invited to a funeral or even some sort of memorial. I died right along with him that day. I will never be the same. I miss him. I miss myself.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Jason, I am so very sorry for all that you have lost. There is no good way to lose someone we love, but when it happens suddenly there's simply no time to prepare. And of course the trauma of all this is terribly compounded by the fact that you were one to find him that day. I'm glad to hear you are seeing a therapist and you have both recognized that post traumatic stress can absolutely happen in a loss like this. Getting help for that is so very important. You have suffered greatly with the loss of your home and support as well, and I'm hoping you have your own family or friends to give you some support at a time like this. It will take a lot of time to rebuild, and right now I'm sure you don't have the energy to even think about it. Please be good to yourself and remember to take it one moment at a time. There is just no getting over a loss like this, but with time and good support I'm hoping you'll find you can get through it. Even if it takes longer than you could ever possibly imagine. I'm glad you have found our site and I hope we can be a help to you. Please take care of yourself. I wish you much hope and healing in the days ahead~
    Dennis K. likes this.
  3. Jason M Gardner

    Jason M Gardner New Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words. Right now it dosen't seem like it will get any better but only time will tell
    griefic likes this.