I lost my partner suddenly on his birthday August 14, 2018

On August 14, 2018 my life changed forever with the turn of a doorknob.

I feel so much guilt from my partners passing. I feel as if it is somehow my fault. You see, the night before my best friend and soulmate, John, died, we had an argument and both said some cruel things to each other. I know that we both didn't mean the things we said to one another. I thought "this too shall pass" as it has on other small occasions.

My partner and I both suffer from bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. Him more advanced with his sympoms with this disease than I.

Let me go back to the beginning of the end.....The night before John's birthday, we had an argument so he decided to sleep in the guest room. This wasn't nessesarily alarming due to the fact that on occasion he would go in there to isolate when he was feeling very depressed. Most of the time I could help him get some relief from his mental illness. At least for a moment anyway. I could make him laugh and we act very silly. Silly that only a couple would feel comfortable with in private. Well, after the argument, it was pretty much diffused just as soon as it began. But he still wanted to be alone. Understandably so. I can remember him saying that he wanted to sleep in the next day, his birthday, and to wake him up late afternoon so he could have some cake. He did state that he'd like to postpone his birthday dinner until the following day. So, I respected his wishes.

The next morning I went to pick up his preordered birthday cake. It was a Winnie the Poo cake. He loved the poo gang and we had just seen the movie "Christopher Robin" the previous week. We had pet names of indearmemt for each other. His was "Daddy Bear" because he was like a big old Teddy Bear. And I was "Donkey" because he said I was so laid back and always seemed to have a dark cloud following me. So the cake was fitting.

I waited until around 4 o'clock to wake him. Little did I know that my whole world, my safe place, my persona, would be forever erased from the everyday resistance. I won't get into the details of what horror and terror I experienced. It was much more than I could handle. I've never seen a dead body before, let alone my life partner. We were to be married. A neighbor told me that he was planning a surprise wedding. We already had the promise rings.

Jumping ahead, I don't remember much after I found him laying there blue and lifeless. My therapist agrees that perhaps I'm suffering from PTSD along with everything else. Now I'm an official basket case.

In the interim, his mother who used to call me son, and his sistet, have turned against me. His sister sued me to leave the premises of the condo we shared. Unfortunately I was not on the mortgage and we hadn't yet made it to the alter. I lost my home, my love, and my selfworth. I cry everyday as if it just happened yesterday. I just want you die to get some relief from my excusiatring pain. All signs are pointing twords suicide. But his family wont tell me what is on the corners report (they had it blacked out for the general public) and I was never invited to a funeral or even some sort of memorial. I died right along with him that day. I will never be the same. I miss him. I miss myself.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Right now it dosen't seem like it will get any better but only time will tell
Jason