In February of this year, I lost my mother. Throughout my life, we had a pretty rough time. She was an alcoholic, and while at first I had tried to be there for her, to listen and support her, eventually I ran away (meaning I gave up). She kept letting me down every time I started to hope that she might be turning things around. About twelve years ago I moved to Japan and I have lived here ever since. I never could afford to visit the States and this is where my life is, so there was no moving back. My father and I have a...distant relationship. I'm a part of the LGBTQ community, and he's never really made his peace with it. He will tell me that he loves me, but any time I talk to him it feels pretty one sided. How are things? Good. How's life? Okay. I'm having a rough time. Okay, well, do your best. My brother and his family live with him so...well, I guess he has that going for him. I used to be able to talk to my sister-in-law when things were rough and I needed someone to talk to, but with her father suffering from stage 4 cancer, as well as her having a terrible year herself, I can't really lean on her. My brother loves me, I know he does, but he's not super communicative either so I'm out of luck there. My wife of seven years is amazing, but we don't fully speak each other's language and she's quite a bit younger than me, meaning that she's not really able to process and understand what I'm going through. She is sympathetic and she loves me, but I can't really talk things through to her. When my mother finally recovered from her addiction, I spent the last five years starting to talk to her more. She and I got along swimmingly ,and I knew I didn't want to have any regrets when she passed so I would talk to her somewhere around three to four times a week. No matter how shitty my day was, I knew I could call her and talk. She was my support. I could talk to her for hours and I always felt better afterwards. Then she was gone. She just died in the middle of the day during a nap. I got a day off from work, but I was expected to report to work the next day. So I shoved it all down and tried to go about my life. I couldn't and still can't talk about her without crying. I'm crying now. My eating habits are going to shit as I know my depression levels are building and building. I keep ignoring it and hoping it will go away, or that I will get to the acceptance point, but it still hurts. I have recordings of the two of us talking, and I can't listen to a single one of them without losing it. I can barely get a few minutes into one before I have to turn it off. I can feel the depression building up in me. My lack of control when it comes to eating, a lack of motivation and a deep sadness that just won't leave. In some ways, I feel like I'm getting worse, not better. Money is tight, right now, or I'd go and see a therapist. I'm not in danger of starving or anything, but I don't have the hundreds of dollars it would take to go see one. Today, I hit a wall, and sought out my options. I guess I just wanted to have someone to talk to. I try to show the world that I'm okay, but I'm not.
Dear Blue Eyed Angel, I lost my Dad a month ago. It's rough. I am doing freelance work and finding it almost impossible to concentrate. I have to because my Mom is financially dependent on me. I too try to show the world I am okay while being far from it. I am at the lowest point in my whole life. You say you cannot go see a therapist but how about group therapy? There might be some free local options. I have also found that through my local public library I could access some books on grief. You can install Libby or Hoopla on your phone and download the audiobooks for free. Some of them have actually made me feel a little bit seen like Megan Devine's and Gary Roe's. Warmly, Barbara
Hi Barbara, I could say that this is me reaching out. My hobby is writing and I spend a lot of time inside of my head, so I'm not really interested in reading books on dealing with grief. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I feel as though what I am mainly seeking is people I can open to and just let out these building frustrations. Again, I live in Japan and while my Japanese is good enough to communicate to a degree, it's not at a level that I can express my feelings adequately to a fully Japanese group. Yesterday, I was teaching a group of three year olds, and during the lesson I read a book about how amazing the mom in the book is and I started to tear up. Reading about how no matter what the mom will always love them, it really hit me hard. I am glad though that you are finding ways that help you learn to deal with your suffering. I've been thinking about joining this sites group activities. As a side note, I'm not sure if you want it, but if you'd like to tell me about your father and just talk, I'm open to listening. I'm not sure what your relationship was like with him, however, know that you can still talk here. No one should have to suffer without someone to listen. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me. Best of wishes and heartfelt support, Blue Eyed
My heart goes out to you. Nov 10 will be a year since my mom passed. It is just awful. I am not able to go to any therapy either because I lost my job in March and money is tight for us too. I don’t have any IRL people to talk to. I think coming here helps me though, so that’s good. I hope it can help you to. My weight has shot up as well. I hate this situation for you. Sending you a big hug❤️
I'm sorry for your loss, Karyl. I feel your words very strongly in that I think being able to talk about it here helps me. As with Barbara, please feel free to talk about things here if you need a place to do so. No one deserves to be alone in their grieving. Hugs for you, and wishing you all the love you need to get through to a happier tomorrow. Blue Eyes
I lost my mother pretty recently. I know how empty that void feels. I feel worthless and keep blaming myself too. But hopefully it gets better by the will of God.
I understand the problem of gaining weight. Someone (maybe a therapist), told me people either gain weight or lose weight when going through grief. I, unfortunately was one who gained weight. I could barely get up off the couch and chocolate was the only temporary consolation and relief I could find. I remember a friend saying to me, "You have never been this heavy before", and trying to get me to go to Weight Watchers. I was in such horrible condition mentally and emotionally that it was not even a choice for me. Of course, she couldn't understand the terrible shock and tragedy a suicide brings along with other kinds of death of a close loved one, such as yours. Jesus will bring you through this if you just continue on to the best of your ability leaning on His strength. Love, Chris
