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I lost my mom and I feel so guilty

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by cwalters, Nov 27, 2022.

  1. cwalters

    cwalters New Member

    I lost my mom in October of 2021. She was in a car accident in June 2021. The driver who hit her from behind died on impact. My mother was recovering though despite her injuries. I thought she was going to make it. I’m 25. I took care of her from June until the end of September when she was starting to walk again. She has broken a few ribs and her pelvis. In September in person classes resumed at my school and I left the city to go back to school. My mother and I always got along since I was an adult. But when she got into her accident I had to take care of her, my little sister and keep doing my online classes. I lashed out at her verbally multiple times during this time period. She would ask questions and I would snap at her. This was after a few months in august and September. I thought she was getting better. The last week before I left back to school we hardly talked. I left to school at the end of September. I barely said bye before I left. I never saw her conscious again. She has had a life long liver disease that was being managed. She had to take regular medication for it which she always did. Up until this point she was on morphine. But they decided to take her off it and she was detoxing and having a miserable time after I left. I think she stopped taking her liver medication and her liver declined. I wouldn’t know for sure since we were not talking much since I left. I found out she had to go to the hospital for her liver. Which she had done many times before in the past and been fine. I focused on school and assumed she would be okay. I few days later I got a call from her. She was delusional saying the doctors were not giving her proper care and she left the hospital for a few hours before her friend brought her to a new one. This is when I booked a train back home. The morning of the train ride back my mother had a heart attack while being transferred to a new hospital that had a liver transplant center. From this moment on she was sedated and on a respirator for the rest of her life. Before my train trip she called me in the middle of the night. She told me she wanted to go out to dinner with my sisters and me. I was half asleep and barely responded. She said said she had to go. I said I loved her. She said she loved me to and hung up. This was the last time I ever spoke to my mother. Upon getting to the hospital I spoke with the doctors who did not seem to be worried about my mother at the moment. They told me she had liver issues. And her kidneys were scarred but assured me it wasn’t permanent and got my consent to start her on dialysis. She was on dialysis that day. And the next day on a weaker form of dialysis since she was weak already. The day after this. Less than a week after entering the hospital they called me and told me her kidneys were shutting down and she was having multi organ failure. My 14 year old sister was in the car when I got the call telling me I needed to come to the hospital. After hanging up I tried my best not to cry in front of my sister. She didn’t know what was going on. I poorly held back tears and told her not to worry and I think that made her feel more uneasy and scared. When I got to the hospital my mom was jaundice and gasping on a respirator. She had been jaundice before because of her long term disease but not like this. Her red hair was turning white. He skin was clammy and hard. They told us we should take her off the respirator as her blood was very toxic and she would have a heart attack again soon. My older of the 2 sisters, 23, was with me when they took her off the respirator. Despite giving her medication to stop her from gasping she gasped for breath violently for 2-3 minutes each gasp for breath was followed by a longer gap before her last gasp. I remember being so overwhelmed that I couldn’t cry. My sister was crying and a nurse came to hold her. I felt guilty that I couldn’t cry. After she passed we stayed in the room for maybe an hour. She quickly became cold. I had to cover her face as her mouth was open and I couldn’t handle seeing that. It’s been a little over a year. And even today I feel extreme guilt. My mother was still very sick. I left her when she needed me. And I cannot overlook the thought that had I kept caring for her she would still be alive today. And it’s a guilt I am not sure I will ever be able to overcome. We never fought and always got along. Yet in her last few weeks of life our relationship was one of anger. And she died thinking I hated her. And I can’t help feel like my anger towards her, the verbal abuse about the past, helped kill her and I feel responsible for her death. My little sister, the now 15 year old didn’t have a father in her life and now she doesn’t have a mother. She lives with a family friend but she needs her mother. I try my best to talk to her and be a strong family figure. But the spiraling down of my mental health has made my life hell.
     
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  2. Gary166

    Gary166 Well-Known Member

    Dear Cwalters, I am deeply moved by you losing your Mother and the fate of your younger sister. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl to a cardiac arrest over 18 months ago. We had supper the night before and Cheryl seemed to be in perfect health. How could I ever imagine I would be Cheryl’s first responder the following day. And yes I have tortured myself with guilt for not saving her. But after months of grief support meetings, therapy, and reading books on grief recovery and meditation I realize that was Cheryl’s destiny. We don’t have the power to save them. Please Google Kristin Neff Self Compassion. There you will find 5 guided self compassion audios. The Number one rule is be very gentle and compassionate with yourself. Also google Six Needs of the Mourner. This is a basic play book in going through the grief journey. Being your Mother’s caregiver was extremely stressful. It is so stressful some caregivers die before the patient does. The best book I read was Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba. Zuba has YouTube videos that are very helpful and cover what is in the book. I have learned grief is like a toxin that has to bubble out or it will kill. I still need to express my grief to allow healing to continue. I am active at the Loss of Spouse thread. I haven’t written much lately because I’m experiencing a lot negativity do to insomnia. I saw your message and wanted to reach out to you. Try to find someone you trust who will listen to you without offering advice or try to fix you. My therapist worked at a hospice/grief center and was very knowledgeable on grief. Just keep breathing and doing what you have to do to survive. Gary
     
  3. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. You could not see into the future. You did what you thought was best at the time. When someone we love dies, we all blame ourselves and think of all the things we could or should have done or shouldn't have done. We cannot save someone. We are only human and make many mistakes. That is why my comfort is in the thought that that is why Jesus went to the cross in our place-so we could be forgiven for being so human. God loves you and wants to help you get through this. Please try to start taking care of your health and give your misgivings and regrets to Jesus. He is strong enought to carry them and we are not. You can get through this and when you do you will need your physical and mental health. Eat well, rest, and take short walks trying to notice all the beauty of the things around you. Start being patient and kind to yourself. You need much support right now, not blame. You are very young to have gone through such a traumatic experience. We understand how you feel and we care about you. Stay in touch here and let us know how you are getting along.
    Chris