I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

OK, George. The fact that you & Valerie
also eloped, clinches it. You really ARE my
brother!! Lou

 

Yes! Indeed! two more daze til I move!

 

YAY!!! TGW cheerleaders, including me,
can't wait! Lou

 

Gary,

I wanted to reply when I first read this, but was way too frazzled, but now I have a big cup of coffee in front of me, hoping the caffeine kicks in soon... I'm still over the top exhausted... Like you, I have trouble sleeping, part of the problem is my own fault. I've been staying up way too late, instead of sticking to a regular schedule, which I know I need. However, I no longer do caffeine past 2 p.m., but I can't give up my mindless TV watching, my escape from life... I need to stop watching it so late at night. I never watch TV during the day, it stresses me out. I used to love to read, but now have trouble concentrating on anything other than books dealing with bereavement. Bob had so many chronic health conditions that he couldn't sleep in our bed for many months prior to his death, but I still can't get used to going to sleep alone, without him cuddled up next to me. This is a big part of the reason I've been staying up so late. Got to break this habit!!! I'm going to "keep on keeping on" right along with you. We'll have to celebrate BIG TIME, when you, me, all of TGW can finally get some quality sleep on a consistent basis!!!

"Permission To Mourn," is my very favorite book, although I really like "The Widower's Notebook" too. I spent some time outside doing some much needed yard work, and began talking to a couple of my neighbors. One of them, the one who lives right next door to me, is the one who is always here for me, and is always telling me I can call his house in the middle of the night if I need to (but!!! I never would!!!) He is in his late seventies, his wife recently turned eighty, but you would never know it. He is very active in his church, cooks weekly dinners for the homeless, and prepared four turkeys to bring to church on Thanksgiving. He is the "go to" person whenever someone needs household repairs, hurricane shutters put up, even light bulbs replaced (ceilings are 9 feet high here), etc... I'm starting to, TU!!!, beginning to ramble so will get to the point. I'm lending him my copy of "Permission To Mourn." His sister is very sick and he got a call the other day that she is probably going to pass away soon. He is very close to her and is heartbroken. Sort of on, sort of off subject, he loved Bob, and before Bob got super sick to the point where he had to spend most of his day in his recliner, my neighbor used to take him to play nine holes of golf (I no nothing about golf, but I think it was 9 holes), because Bob was too tired and weak to play all 18 holes. Sometimes Bob couldn't even make it to the 8th hole, but he loved getting outside, going with my neighbor.

I couldn't tell my story all at once, way too hard, so it's sort of spread out, bits and pieces as I became more comfortable sharing on this site. What I really wanted to say to you before I got going like that Energizer Bunny, is that it doesn't matter that you went through "Cheryl's death march" for three days, and I watched Bob slowly fall apart over the course of many years.... This in NO way makes it any easier for you then it is for me!!! Your situation was just as horrific as mine was, just different. "Mr. Grief" (thanks Karen!) treats us all the same..., always hitting us the hardest, sometimes when we least expect it.

Hope you have at least one reason, but hoping for more, to LMSO today...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Robin,

Just reread this post again while trying to find all the ones I've missed. Reading it a second time around, it just makes it even harder to believe that she actually compared Ron's death to that of her dog and nephew... What planet is she from??? So sorry you've had to put up with her totally insensitive behavior for so long... But, I'm so glad that you're going to follow Lou's advice, "the hell with her."

Still smiling knowing that your son will be visiting you so soon...

Hope today is off to a good or mostly good start for you...

As always, sending you and Teddy lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. The day started a long time ago,, but for me it's just started. Still on my morning coffee. As usual, didn't sleep much last night. As I said to Gary in another message, we'll have to celebrate big time when all of TGW are finally able to get some quality sleep on a consistent basis!!!, TU!!!

 

Lou,

Just read your message to Robin. I can't BELIEVE a friend compared Linda's death to that of his cat!!!, TU!!! People are just sooooooooooooooooooooooooo
unbelievably ignorant!!!, TU!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

I love!!! this... Although we are not the same people we used to be, I know all of your creative energy is still inside of you... It is here, even in your random thoughts... Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

I've been stuck at the bottom of that seemingly endless roller coaster of emotions, that tilt a whirl (as Lou perfectly described it), for way too long now. I know that even though I've been stuck here for so long, I'm still healing... I know I have to reach the bottom before I can begin to find my way up again, just as all of us have to do. We have to confront "Mr. Grief (thanks Karen!) head on!!! Like Tom Zuba says, "Choose life." I am so grateful, in spite of all this pain, to be "on the right side of the dirt," as Bob always said. As you said so well, "We TGWs can do this!" We will get though this together!!! Valerie, Cheryl, Kenn, Ron, Ron, Mark, Bob, Linda, Jack (and anyone who I might have forgotten to mention, HATE!!! this widow foggy brain thing!!!, TU!!!) would be so proud..., so happy... knowing that we are tackling "Mr. Grief" head on, and are determined to win this battle!!!

Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

I know I'm repeating myself probably a zillion times already, but Gary got it right when he said you are TUGW!!!, TU!!! You have gone through so much... and now, about to move to a new apartment... start over again. I'm way beyond amazed at what you've accomplished so far, and look forward to hearing about all the things you're going to accomplish in the future.

Backing up a bit, reading what you wrote, made me teary eyed...

Sending lots and lots of extra hugs and love your way today, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, after you're talking with George, I
need your comforting words. I'm in
the Whale's Jaw Cafe, drinking coffee,
by myself, in the corner. A man, in his
late 60s is singing & playing the guitar.
I've been teary eyed over every song,
from Willie Nelson, to Simon & Garfunkel,
to James Taylor. Taylor's "You've Got a
Friend" was played at Linda's small
funeral. It was just one couple ( who I
met in the psychiatric unit after Linda
died), and myself. Even though the
couple didn't know Linda, they cried
along with me. Lou

 

Oh Robin that makes me nauseous and anxious thinking about the SNL. Your brother is definitely your go to guy with Home or vehicle troubles. But he is consumed by the SNL. I’ve been taught the most powerful prayer in the universe is “God bless that asshole.” It buys me a little time so I can stop hating that person. To be honest my resentment against Cheryl‘s S. is causing me health problems. I’m afraid to tell you how many times I replay that tape in my head daily. I am very lucky that I can shut her completely out of my life mainly because she lives in California. I need to re-read the article on “eight keys to forgiveness again” for my own good. I only have one neighbor near. We’ve had a sweet and sour relationship over the last 25 years. His wife dominates him and she doesn’t like me. But my neighbor has helped me in some serious situations. Before I got old I felt like telling them to get screwed because of their barking lose animals. Now That I am old I’m trying to figure out how to navigate this relationship with some diplomacy. There are No more loose barking animals. I may need his help again in another emergency. In the forgiveness article it says I must imagine the person that harmed me has been harmed to probably in their childhood and they are deeply wounded. It also says I should find some value in them as people. In the widowers notebook the chapter “good and bad friends”Jonathan talks about being terribly let down by mutual friends of his wife and him. in retrospect after looking back he saw how his emotions were totally out of whack but it didn’t validate their bad behaviors. To be honest my emotions are out of whack and probably will be for a while. Thank God all TGW walk the same trail. Thanks for listening. Gary

 

Gary, when you said you were "old", that.
made me very nervous. You are supposed
to be my middle brother. If you're "old",
then I'm ancient. I don't look or feel that
way. I've been told by both friends and
strangers that I look 62, not 72. When I
look in the mirror, I see a man 10 years
younger than my chronological age. I like
that you're getting something out of
Jonathan's book, in addition to Zuba's. Lou

 

George, finally read the lyrics to Dylan
song, Too Much of Nothing, and see the
reasons the song means so much to you.
For starters, Dylan invokes the name
of Valerie. Lou

 

Lou thanks for the LMSO (laugh my sad off) about me being old and you being ancient. As active as you are I can see people taking you for 60. After reading today’s posts about how you and George have so much in common I felt like I must’ve been the brother that was the family secret. George Cheryl and I took a vacation to Portsmouth Ohio a couple years ago and that was right across the river from Ashland Kentucky. We went there in search of Native American mounds. When I was raking leaves the other day I thought this is taking too long. and I started mowing and mulching them up. But when I got to the leaves that had fallen off the burning bushes the hearts that you found in your house seemed similar to the small red leaves on the ground looked like hearts. and I couldn’t mow them. They made me think of your and Valerie‘s love for each other and my love for Cheryl. Deb I’m sorry it is taken me so long to get back to you. I was hijacked by a 16 quart pressure cooker canning meat today. Thanks for your encouragement and explanation of long death marches and short. I’m seeing you getting better footing on the edges of the walls of the pit and starting your journey out. I had a couple intense grief spells today after using Cheryl’s cook ware. I was glad to see one of Cheryl’s blond hairs attach itself to my pants. Another day on the emotional roller coaster at Mr. Grief’s amusement park. Sleep well grief warriors. Gary

 

Gary, I was getting ready for bed, 10pm
my time ( earlier now, bc it gets dark at 5pm), and decided to check in with GIC.
Glad I did,to see that I made you laugh
about my '"ancient" comment, I think of
both of my brothers here, of being younger than their stated age, bc they are active
physically & mentally. I don't think of you
as the "family secret". Bc of your honesty
about your 12 step program, I came
forward with the reason I had to stop
drinking. I learned from George, that it
was good to let out the anger, using
swear words, on occasion. Lou

 

Yes! I'm not doing great right now so I thought I'd get on GIC after a real brutal dialysis. Christmas is bursting out all over. I bet that's why I'm so crabby. Reminds me how much Valerie loved the sparkling lights. Glad you checked out the song. The Basement Tapes was one of the few musical things we could agree on. I think I'm getting stresssed about the move too. And it is bitterly cold! Hope you have a good night!

 

...and the little red hearts mean I love you! That's what I always think. Glad you got to do something productive and distracting. Dialysis was brutal. The last 2 hours dragged so bad and then I couldn't even leave right away cuz I was bleeding where they stick the giant needles in. I'm in a pretty foul mood , so I got on GIC to feel better talking to all of you GWs! The next few days are gonna be pretty grueling. Last Saturday in this house... can't believe it. Have a good night and some nice sleep I hope!

 

George, woke up in middle of night, and
read your messages. All TGW are rooting
for you BIG TIME!!!, as our friend, Deb,
would say. Like Deb, Patti, and everyone
else here, I'm in awe of what you had to
do, in order to move ( the cleaning out of
both crap and items that invoked Valerie,
which stung your heart & soul). All of this
was on top of your endless, painful
dialysis, which none of us have to
undergo. I can't wait until you tell us
about your new place and its' surroundings. Hopefully, you will be able to take walks near it. Back to bed. Talk
later. Lou

 

George I can’t imagine the physical pain you are in now and all that you have endured. Look at all you’ve accomplished; you made the decision to sell your home, found a realtor, endured all the home showings, then cleaned everything up, and now we’re in the final phase of moving and unpacking. Like Lou Suggested; envision yourself two weeks from now having settled into your new home, found some new friendly neighbors, and have scoped out your new hood. You’re moving forward and it’s getting better. All TGW have your back. We are all one as the positive energy of the universe walks through GIC like the sun walks through the day. We are all connected Bound by our sufferings and our intense love for our dearly beloveds. Send me some of your emotional pain and I will try to absorb it. Keep on Truckin. I love you man. Gary

 

Stung heart and soul! How apt! TGWs will get me through this big day and the ones to come. after 17 years I can't believe this is the last day in this house. Still so much stuff to do. I know I'll have the strength to get though this thanks to you! Thanks for the love and support ,y friend and brotha