I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

Bernadine, I just now read through your story, brought tears as I read through. Such a beautiful love story and I believe it was meant to be for him to pass at home with you by his side. Peaceful, the way you both hoped. Sad but peaceful.
I love hearing about your garden, I find peace in gardening too. I made a memorial garden to honor Ron the first spring after he passed, 3 yrs ago this month. It’s my sanctuary. Ron and I were married 41 years, together 44 but like you I use present tense most the time. I still feel his love shine through. Ron passed suddenly with no warning Nov 17, 2018. We thought he was healthy, but he had a massive heart attack that took him in 2 hours. That night at 11:34 pm my life crumbled. The time and date of Kenn’s passing, and the day of his cremation all have such meaning. Love it! I get those numbers on my radio in my car even when I have it turned off. And I always seem to see 10:10, 11:11 & 12:12 on the clock. Your loss is so resent, I’m happy you found this site, you have friends here. We take care of each other. I understand your last sentence in this post. I sometimes put that on myself, if I smile or laugh am I being disrespectful, am I not caring enough. But we all grieve in our own way and time. Try not to think of what others might think. You and Kenn know the depth of your love and your commitment. In the end that’s all that matters.
Sending you hugs. ❤️Robin

 

Hi Robin,
I love that you created a memorial garden.
Kenn and I bought Apple trees to plant. One arrived before he died and the other I picked up a week ago. They are both late season varieties and will be producing on the anniversary of his death every year. Last Thursday I put mine in the ground as an anchor and his is a columnar style that I planted in a large pot that I can take with me if I ever chose to move.
Like you I think I ‘put on myself’ the idea that others would not know the depth of our love. And I agree with Deb and you, we know and that’s all that matters.
Bernadine

 

Bernadine, working with the earth and nature is so healing. I know that you find that too. Ron and I ran our business together. The very first air compressor we bought many moons ago, stopped working but we kept it. It felt like our symbol. I put that In the memorial garden, feels like a perfect way to honor Ron and our successful business that I had to close. My second loss. How perfect that the apple trees will produce on the anniversary each year. That’s so special.
I’m going to get moving here, try to have a good day. Robin

 

I remember the time when Kenn ‘started dying’ and how every decision from that moment on was a reminder. It was like he died every time. I don’t carry it as ptsd like the ‘chronic experiences’ are for some.
That’s the thing about ‘knowing ahead of time’ that others may not understand. I lived his death a thousand times. From how many bananas to buy to appointments on my schedule. Which tomatoes to plant. What present to buy him for Christmas. Which load of laundry to do next. There was always the consideration and knowledge that he might be dead. Every day I knew this might be the day. He outlived his prognosis and I treasure each of those days, wouldn’t trade them for anything. We lived them through tears sometimes, we lived them in the comic irony of it all and we lived the mundane moments as much as the memory making ones.
Someone asked me last week if I was relieved that he had died. Nope. No relief. Not the thought that today will be easier because he died. The thought is I live today without him beside me.
Well, that was a bit of a ramble. I understand the complexity of this time for you.
Bernadine

 

An air compressor, I love that!

 

Hello Bernadine, my name is Karen. I've been on this site since last November 2020 and it was grown on me thorough out the months. I have received so much support that has helped me get through the first year.

But, getting back to you. My heart goes out to you with your "very" recent loss of Kenn. I'm so very glad you reached out to GIC, Grief Warriors as Lou said.

I lost, Jack, my husband last Nov 4, 2020 from cancer. He was ill months before he died. Two weeks before they were to do surgery to remove the tumor they found out the cancer spread from his hip area to his neck. Because the tumor was too close to his artery there was nothing they could do. He came home with hospice, died two to weeks after with me by his side. He fought it to the end, wanting to live. Everytime the phone rang he hoped it was the doctor saying, "good news". This first year has been hell. Your grief will keep changing from "I'm okay" to "I'm not okay". Many tears to no tears. One friend told me a long time ago when she lost her husband, "Keep Upright". And for you keep doing what makes you survive that's all we can do. God Speed, Karen

 

Bernadine, that was a thoughtless remark
by that person about whether you are
"relieved" that Kenn died quickly. In theWidower's. Notebook, the author, has a
chapter, entitled, Stupid Things said by
Smart People. I tell myself that it was
better that Linda died suddenly ( even
though it was in front of me),then to have
her linger in pain from cancer, and to
have an uncertain future. If she had
lived during COVID, I wouldn't have been
able to visit her in the rehab/ nursing
home. That would've been torture for
both of us. But, that's for me to say. I don't
have to hear that from other people. The
less said by them, the better. Lou

 

If you don't mind me asking what park of Oregon do you live? Jack and I lived near Grants Pass, I'm still thinking of going back, but it's uncertain as of now. I live one state below you, Calif. I still miss Oregon, so beautiful and reading about your garden takes me back to Jack. He was a landscape gardener and our property looked like something out of Sunset Gardens magazine. He planted, fertilized, weeded and I harvested our fruit and veggies. I miss working with nature and all Jack was.

 

Karen, Thanks for reaching out to
Bernadine, with your own very sad story
about you & your soulmate, Jack. I like
"keep upright". For me, it would also be to
walk outside in nature ( in my case, by
the ocean). Lou

 

I’m in Portland

 

Big brother shack man I’m proud to be your brother and also with little brother George too. I have to run to my in person a grief support meeting catch up with you later. Thanks. Gary.

 

Bernadine,
People can say the cruelest things. Relieved? Really? I had a cousin ask how I was doing at around the 3 month mark. I answered I’m living one day at a time. Her reply was, still? They don’t get it. I understand you’re scheduling of which laundry what plants and what gifts to get. Makes total sense. The best we can do with such cruel and ignorant remarks is chalk it up to total ignorance. They don’t understand. But sadly one day they each will. I don’t wish this on anyone.
Robin

 

I've only driven through Portland on the way to Washington. It reminds me of a mini San Francisco. I'm still looking at areas in Oregon, weather is a factor for me, sun, sun if possible. Thanks for responding.

I'm thinking of you on your first holiday without Kenn; which takes me back 1 year in Nov. My first holiday was last Nov 2020, Thanksgiving. I was not in the mood to celebrate the holiday, but my family insisted they bring all the food to my house because they didn't want me alone. I was still in shock, after dinner we all sat around and I just broke down talking about how I feel. They were so considerate and just listened. I'm glad they didn't put their two cents in. No one, I mean "NO ONE" knows how one feels after losing a love one. Sometimes I don't even know myself. I really didn't want to live, 1/2 went with him. Well, long story short, stopping now. I guess just thinking of your first holiday season got me going.

We are a strong group on GIC is why Lou named us Grief Warriors, we will get through this together. Here you can say anything without judgement here. Blessings, Karen

 

Karen,
The idea of keeping ‘upright’ sounds doable. That’s a great way to view this.

 

Karen, every time you, Deb, Gary, Patti,
George, and now, Stacey, praise me for
calling us The Grief Warriors, I'm humbled.
I got the idea while observing my friends,
the veterans at the American Legion. Their
credo of leaving " no one behind" stays
with me. Lou

 

Hello, middle brother, Gary! Thanks for
replying about your music preferences.
I used to weep after ANY song, after Linda
died, but I"m a lot better. I love Hootchie Cootchie Man, by Muddy Waters. I know
you would like his words and his beat--
the OPPOSITE from a "people pleaser"!!'
He puts himself first!! Lou

 

Deb, just emailed Karyn Arnold directly.
I told her you had difficulty connecting
on GIC, and were worried about another
post reboot situation. I said the same thing
was happening to me. I'll let you know as
soon as I hear from her. It may just high
traffic before Thanksgiving. I know the
Internet can be slow, too. Lou

 

Oh, maybe that’s what is happening to me too.

 

Bernadine, glad you & I are communicating. I'm still getting alerts and
found you, but I can't reply to emails, I emailed Karyn Arnold about the tech.
problems, so I'm sure she'll want the issue
resolved before Thanksgiving. Let us pray.
It's past 11pm ( my time), so I have to go to bed. Hope to talk with you, & others in the
morning. Lou

 

Good morning everyone. I’m just getting caught up on reading the latest TGW posts. I’m grateful for getting to know Lou Robin and Karen so much better by hearing your experiences. Our experiences strengths and hopes shared are priceless diamonds that keep us moving forward. We learned a new meditation in grief support yesterday. It’s called “the rainbow breath.” Check it out on Utube. I figured out I’m not getting invited to Thanksgiving with any of Cheryl’s family this year. I wouldn’t have gone regardless though. I did receive a text from the lesser evil sister that Cheryl is going to be recognized for her environmental and community activism next month. I do not plan on sitting with Cheryl’s family or talking much to them. but I will keep an open mind and try to choose love over fear. In regards to the insensitive and cruel things people say to us; my brother told me hurt people hurt people. Meaning emotionally wounded people do not have the ability to respond with gentleness and kindness. The people who have experienced grief and have stuffed their emotions are the wounded people who hurt people. the people who learn to express their emotions and feelings are the ones that heal. That is the most important thing I learned from the book “permission to mourn.” I’m work in progress slowly learning how to express my grief. Thank God for GIC and TGW. I’ve had trouble getting on the site too. but I found out if I kept trying three or four times in a row to log on I eventually got on so far. Seize the day TGW. Gary