I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

Nicole, thank you so much for your warm
& kind response to my reaction to your
post about being "envious" of my 25 years
of marriage with Linda. I answered
CWMe first, before I saw your message.
Thank you. I know you are awake until
you have to go to sleep in the morning
before seeing your kids. Hope you are
enjoying the summer. I know you have
hotter temps than I do, on the northern
coast of Massachusetts. I guess the trade off
is that we have harsher, colder winters
than you do. Lou

 

To all. I read something from a man who lost his wife two years ago. This is what he said. I could keep crawling into my shell, hideout on his planet of pain. I could hide away here safely the way I had the past two years, in fear of love and loss. Or I could reach out and reconnect to real life. A full life.

What happened later he met a lady who had a small child. He connected and reached out. They got married.

The comment, hideout on this planet of pain really got to me. I think we all have, or are still there. K

 

Karen, this reminds me of the song,
That's Life, by my flawed hero, Frank
Sinatra, who had manic depression, and
suffered loneliness & heartache, like I
have. Thank you. Lou

 

Thank you, Patti, for your kindness &
prayers. Your incident in the market
was much more horrible than mine. I'm
so sorry you were in such pain & had to
go to the Wound Center for that length
of time. I was fortunate, bc my leg was
not infected. The jeans protected my
leg touching the dirty medal of the bus
steps. I've been struck by how, in one
second , a life can be shattered , or even
lost, by a drunk driver, in military
combat, or a murder.I thank God every day
that I live in a safe small town, and not in
the city, where I used to live & work. I am
waiting to use Gary's cane as a walking
stick, when I walk by myself by the ocean.
I don't want to lose it at a busy cafe. I
would be very sad, bc Gary put so much
work in this Native American cane, and it
is unique. As for balance, my urologist
wants to reduce my dosage of one
medication which makes me drowsy,
All of my pills are necessary, but they
carry the warning not "to operate
heavy machinery". I'm so glad I gave up
my car. I don't miss it at all. My PT is
going to put Linda's treadmill into her
nephew's pick up truck & haul it away. Some deserving client will get it . I told
the PT that I ordered Linda's treadmill
exactly one year before she died. We never
took it out of the box, and it took up
room, & depressed me to look at it. It
breaks my heart that Linda tried so hard
to stay alive. Night after night she had to
use her stomach as a "pin cushion", bc of
her Diabetes 2. She was doomed, bc she
always had a sweet tooth, gained weight,
& her biggest pleasure was sitting in a
living room armchair, watching TV. She
ended up lying in a hospital bed, and the
nurses would try to make her sit up. By the
time she was in the rehab unit of a nursing
home for PT, it was too late. She hated
PT & wanted to be left alone , lying in bed,
watching TV. I try to remember that I
would sit in a chair next to her bed. The
food was awful, so I would get pizza,
or Chinese food delivered to her room.
I would smuggle gluten free beers for
myself ( bc I have Celiac Disease), and we
would watch series like NCIS. Mostly, I
try not to remember the nursing home.
Ironically, I see it when I eat in a
restaurant across the street. It is owned
by a woman who's been like a daughter
to me since Linda's death. She never met
Linda, but she was the 1st person I called
the afternoon Linda died. I cried on her
shoulder. She & a young son helped me
move into my apartment, I was invited,
as the only non family member, to her
home , for Thanksgiving, 3 years after
LInda's death. The whole family has
"adopted" me. I'm the "great uncle" to
the 2 high school kids. I love this family,
and they've welcomed me with open arms.
Patti, is there any more talk about you
moving , or is that too difficult for you
right now? Lou

 

Hello Patty and Lou, It's 3:30 am and reading your conversation, every time I read any of TGW I feel connected right now to you Patty and Lou and always think this Universe is small, we are here sharing our thoughts, how marvelous is life even if our beloved Jack, Linda and Geoff are not physically with us, they are in our minds, that it's beautiful! Now probably I will go back to sleep. Helena

 

Helena, you & I are on the same page!
I woke up at 3:30am, too. Good to see other
GW in the night.but I'm sleepy, so I'll
read your post in the am. Lou

 

Thank you, Patti. A few more words about
the family who "adopted" me. The parents
are my age.Their daughter is the age my
daughter would've been, if I had one. Her
2 kids are a young woman high school
graduate and a 14 year old son. Both of
the kids tower over me, in height. I say
I'm a "great uncle" , bc I feel like their
grandfather could be like the brother I
never had. I hope this clarifies my
situation! In any case, I feel welcome in
their homes. I love your story about the
3 butterflies, as a sign from Jack. Tom
Zuba tells us to pay attention to those
signs. For me, it is that Linda's birth
date numbers show up when I look
at my watch, or the time shown on my
Smart Phone. It makes me smile. that
her spirit is with me. You may move
someday, Patti, but the time is not now.
Lou

 

Patti, love the deer story. Haven't seen
Gary lately. but, being a man who thrives
outside in nature, I'm sure he'd love it
too. Lou

 

You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once…

You lose them over and over,
sometimes many times a day.
When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
creeps up,
and attacks you from behind.
Fresh waves of grief as the realization hits home,
they are gone.
Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
and as you awaken,
so does your memory,
so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
they are gone.
Again.

Losing someone is a journey,
not a one-off.
There is no end to the loss,
there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
when it washes over.

Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
they have a journey ahead of them,
and a daily shock to the system each time they realize, they are gone,
Again.

You don’t just lose someone once,
you lose them every day,
for a lifetime.

Donna Ashworth
From ‘I wish I knew’: https://amzn.to/3JVMJlZ

 

Thank you, Bernadine. It happened to me
today, while I was enjoying a summer day.
I saw a woman who reminded me of
Linda, and I swore softly to myself. I see
that Karen liked your post, too, She gave
us Mr. Grief, who can visit anytime. Lou

 

Oh yes, I agree, this is really it. Sacred words. Losing our loved one over and over again.

Lou, you 'hit the nail on the head' when you said I'm going through that stage of feeling lonely in a crowd.

Hoping you all have a good night's sleep.
Rose

 

Rose, a strange thing happened today.
It was a hot day, and people were sluggish.
I sit in the shade , most days, with a widow.
We make each other laugh, but are just
friends. and want to keep it that way. We
sat with an engaged couple. They've been
together for several yrs. He's about 15 yrs
older, & had been married. She never had,
& wanted to. As they drank, the talk became sexier. At one point, when her
fiance walked away, the woman stood
close to me & said she never saw my eyes
without my sunglasses. She also said we
were the perfect height for each other.
She reminded me of Linda, and I impulsively kissed her cheek, stupidly
saying I hadn't kissed a woman in a long
time. She shocked me by kissing me ---hard --- on the lips. I stammered, "well, that will
do me for a while!". My widow friend
laughed. Later, the woman came back ,
after having a fight with her fiance. My
friend said they often fought when they
had been drinking. I don't drink,anymore.
What this tells me, is that I may indeed
want a woman, to kiss on the cheek, and to
hug, but one who had not been drinking,&
had a boyfriend! I felt guilty later
kissing the woman .... I have to,admit that
I have been "lonely in a crowd" , of both
friends and tourists. Lou

 

Wow, Lou, you described what happened to you as if it was a scene from a film! Don't feel guilty, she was the one who made that 'extra' move, you had only given her an innocent kiss on the cheek.


Such a scorching hot, humid day again today, but it's normal this time of year, unfortunately.

Take care.
Rose

 

Thanks, Rose. I loved sitting in movie
theaters , growing up. Linda & I stopped
going to the ones in the mall, bc people
don't behave: yelling, eating loudly,
and trying to sneak looks at their cell
phones. We controlled our atmosphere, by
buying a DVD player, and borrowing DVDs
from the local library. Now, in the summer,
I can go to my small town , stand alone ,
theater, where people are quiet and
considerate. Linda & I went to this
theater when we got married in '96,
before moving to city for work. I feel
like a kid again, bc the old movie classics
in this theater. reminds me of the one ,
somewhere else, in my boyhood. Lou

 

This is to everyone who has gone past 1 year and beyond. It's been 20 months since Jack passed. I have not been feeling myself, mentally and most of all physically.
It's a feeling of unwell every day, physically. I've had lab work and everything is fine, but I don't feel fine inside me. Hard to explain. My physically zest is not well. I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced this unwell feeling and what did you do for it? I keep waiting for the day I can wake up and feel good, but it's not happening. Is this a symptom of grief? Or maybe mental? Thanks friends, Karen

 

Dear Karen, I'm probably not the right person to comfort you but I DO relate to you completely. Its been 20 months for me, too, but for me not even one day has passed. I'm lost in time, all that's been happening since that fatal day, seems like another parallel life that I'm living, not the real one, as if I'm living someone else's life, or acting in a film, just don't know how to explain it. My mind is constantly in a 'trance', and I don't see any way out of it. What do I do, to save my sanity? I think that I have to go on for my kids, luckily they are both grownup now, in their twenties but they are not independent yet. Thankfully for me, still both living at home,but I feel guilty feeling like an emotional burden for them while they try and get on with their own lives,seeing me forever depressed. Then I try to get comfort just feeling my husband beside me, talking to him and letting him take part in everything I do, everywhere I go, continuing asking for his advice, suggestions, approval,feeling his love all around me. I live out in the country, so as our friend Robin has already suggested in another thread, walking and getting lots of fresh air does help. I also find that continuing tasks that my C had started, gives me satisfaction, like painting all the railings around my house, planting vegetables, looking after our land and general home maintenance jobs. I can only suggest immersing yourself into a hobby you have always had, especially if it's an activity that you did together with your husband,like I've been doing with my piano playing (we had just started learning together). I have to admit it took me months to sit back on that bench again, where we both sat snuggly together.

Sorry again you're suffering like this, my thoughts are with you, we're in this together, you, Lou, Gary, Robin, Bernadine,"Sweetcole", Patti, Helena,Deb,, .....our new members, sorry if I missed anyone,, my mind is very 'foggy,' as you all understand. Together we will make it.
A big hug.
Rose

 

Rose, just woke up in the middle of the
night, got on GIC, and welcomed Pam, 63,
a new member , who has manic depression, like I have. Then, I found you,
comforting my good friend, Karen, who
welcomed me to GIC a year ago. Thank you, Rose, for mentioning my name and
other GW. Now, back to sleep. Keep cool and hydrated. Lou

 

Hello Karen,

I'm very sorry you're feeling the way you are feeling, I have only experienced my first six months without Geoff, I know that it's only a frame of our minds to feel sad or happy. My first four months were like agony, I used to say 'what it's the point', you all gave me positive advice so I can continue healing, thanks to TGW I'm here in one piece, and moving forward... we are part of the living world! be with nature, enjoying every little moment with whatever we are doing. Sending your way my positive thoughts.
Helena

 

Helena, in the short time I've known you,
you have come a long way, from the
depressed, lonely state you were in. You
were hesitant at first, but I suggested that
you say Goeff's name to honor his
memory. All of TGW are faced with Mr.
Grief ( Karen's brilliant name) every day.
I cry a little every morning , bc I will never
"get over" the death of my soulmate,
Linda, after 25 years of marriage. I know
that if our roles were reversed, and I died
before Linda. that she wouldn't have been
able to last as long as I've had, bc of her
many medical issues. I'm glad to see you
on Wed. Art Therapy day. We are all
praying that George is OK, and will join
you today. Lou

 

Thank you Rose. I forgot you are in your 20 month also. I think one thing, like you, is our children. We must go on for them and that's my purpose for them to know I'll be alright, I'll smile, I'll love them and I'll survive. I have a bad memory of my Mom. She was an alcoholic since my Dad died for 20 years and that's what she died of. I don't want my kids to think of me in a bad way after I pass is why I'm trying to get a hold of myself.
I love how you are taking care of your country place with C beside you.

Hobby, well 3 days ago I adopted the most adorable kitten and I must say she's my hobby now. As you may have read I lost Jack's cat, Rambo, and he became mine and kept my sanity after Jack passed. I was crushed all over again, grieving, but now I have another kitty to fill my void.

Your story is wonderful, I see such positive vibes in it for you. Thanks for posting, Karen