*DAYTIME AND EVENING GENERAL GRIEF GROUPS AVAILABLE EVERY WEEK* CLICK HERE TO JOIN US!

I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Countess Joy, Nov 21, 2021.

  1. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Nicole, thank you so much for your warm
    & kind response to my reaction to your
    post about being "envious" of my 25 years
    of marriage with Linda. I answered
    CWMe first, before I saw your message.
    Thank you. I know you are awake until
    you have to go to sleep in the morning
    before seeing your kids. Hope you are
    enjoying the summer. I know you have
    hotter temps than I do, on the northern
    coast of Massachusetts. I guess the trade off
    is that we have harsher, colder winters
    than you do. Lou
     
    Sweetcole and Rose69 like this.
  2. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    To all. I read something from a man who lost his wife two years ago. This is what he said. I could keep crawling into my shell, hideout on his planet of pain. I could hide away here safely the way I had the past two years, in fear of love and loss. Or I could reach out and reconnect to real life. A full life.

    What happened later he met a lady who had a small child. He connected and reached out. They got married.

    The comment, hideout on this planet of pain really got to me. I think we all have, or are still there. K
     
  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Karen, this reminds me of the song,
    That's Life, by my flawed hero, Frank
    Sinatra, who had manic depression, and
    suffered loneliness & heartache, like I
    have. Thank you. Lou
     
    cjpines likes this.
  4. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Patti, for your kindness &
    prayers. Your incident in the market
    was much more horrible than mine. I'm
    so sorry you were in such pain & had to
    go to the Wound Center for that length
    of time. I was fortunate, bc my leg was
    not infected. The jeans protected my
    leg touching the dirty medal of the bus
    steps. I've been struck by how, in one
    second , a life can be shattered , or even
    lost, by a drunk driver, in military
    combat, or a murder.I thank God every day
    that I live in a safe small town, and not in
    the city, where I used to live & work. I am
    waiting to use Gary's cane as a walking
    stick, when I walk by myself by the ocean.
    I don't want to lose it at a busy cafe. I
    would be very sad, bc Gary put so much
    work in this Native American cane, and it
    is unique. As for balance, my urologist
    wants to reduce my dosage of one
    medication which makes me drowsy,
    All of my pills are necessary, but they
    carry the warning not "to operate
    heavy machinery". I'm so glad I gave up
    my car. I don't miss it at all. My PT is
    going to put Linda's treadmill into her
    nephew's pick up truck & haul it away. Some deserving client will get it . I told
    the PT that I ordered Linda's treadmill
    exactly one year before she died. We never
    took it out of the box, and it took up
    room, & depressed me to look at it. It
    breaks my heart that Linda tried so hard
    to stay alive. Night after night she had to
    use her stomach as a "pin cushion", bc of
    her Diabetes 2. She was doomed, bc she
    always had a sweet tooth, gained weight,
    & her biggest pleasure was sitting in a
    living room armchair, watching TV. She
    ended up lying in a hospital bed, and the
    nurses would try to make her sit up. By the
    time she was in the rehab unit of a nursing
    home for PT, it was too late. She hated
    PT & wanted to be left alone , lying in bed,
    watching TV. I try to remember that I
    would sit in a chair next to her bed. The
    food was awful, so I would get pizza,
    or Chinese food delivered to her room.
    I would smuggle gluten free beers for
    myself ( bc I have Celiac Disease), and we
    would watch series like NCIS. Mostly, I
    try not to remember the nursing home.
    Ironically, I see it when I eat in a
    restaurant across the street. It is owned
    by a woman who's been like a daughter
    to me since Linda's death. She never met
    Linda, but she was the 1st person I called
    the afternoon Linda died. I cried on her
    shoulder. She & a young son helped me
    move into my apartment, I was invited,
    as the only non family member, to her
    home , for Thanksgiving, 3 years after
    LInda's death. The whole family has
    "adopted" me. I'm the "great uncle" to
    the 2 high school kids. I love this family,
    and they've welcomed me with open arms.
    Patti, is there any more talk about you
    moving , or is that too difficult for you
    right now? Lou
     
    Rose69, cjpines and Patti 61 like this.
  5. Helena Beatriz

    Helena Beatriz Well-Known Member

    Hello Patty and Lou, It's 3:30 am and reading your conversation, every time I read any of TGW I feel connected right now to you Patty and Lou and always think this Universe is small, we are here sharing our thoughts, how marvelous is life even if our beloved Jack, Linda and Geoff are not physically with us, they are in our minds, that it's beautiful! Now probably I will go back to sleep. Helena
     
    Patti 61, Rose69 and Van Gogh like this.
  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Helena, you & I are on the same page!
    I woke up at 3:30am, too. Good to see other
    GW in the night.but I'm sleepy, so I'll
    read your post in the am. Lou
     
  7. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Patti. A few more words about
    the family who "adopted" me. The parents
    are my age.Their daughter is the age my
    daughter would've been, if I had one. Her
    2 kids are a young woman high school
    graduate and a 14 year old son. Both of
    the kids tower over me, in height. I say
    I'm a "great uncle" , bc I feel like their
    grandfather could be like the brother I
    never had. I hope this clarifies my
    situation! In any case, I feel welcome in
    their homes. I love your story about the
    3 butterflies, as a sign from Jack. Tom
    Zuba tells us to pay attention to those
    signs. For me, it is that Linda's birth
    date numbers show up when I look
    at my watch, or the time shown on my
    Smart Phone. It makes me smile. that
    her spirit is with me. You may move
    someday, Patti, but the time is not now.
    Lou
     
    Countess Joy, Patti 61 and Rose69 like this.
  8. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Patti, love the deer story. Haven't seen
    Gary lately. but, being a man who thrives
    outside in nature, I'm sure he'd love it
    too. Lou
     
    Patti 61 likes this.
  9. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    You Don’t Just Lose Someone Once…

    You lose them over and over,
    sometimes many times a day.
    When the loss, momentarily forgotten,
    creeps up,
    and attacks you from behind.
    Fresh waves of grief as the realization hits home,
    they are gone.
    Again.

    You don’t just lose someone once,
    you lose them every time you open your eyes to a new dawn,
    and as you awaken,
    so does your memory,
    so does the jolting bolt of lightning that rips into your heart,
    they are gone.
    Again.

    Losing someone is a journey,
    not a one-off.
    There is no end to the loss,
    there is only a learned skill on how to stay afloat,
    when it washes over.

    Be kind to those who are sailing this stormy sea,
    they have a journey ahead of them,
    and a daily shock to the system each time they realize, they are gone,
    Again.

    You don’t just lose someone once,
    you lose them every day,
    for a lifetime.

    Donna Ashworth
    From ‘I wish I knew’: https://amzn.to/3JVMJlZ
     
  10. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Bernadine. It happened to me
    today, while I was enjoying a summer day.
    I saw a woman who reminded me of
    Linda, and I swore softly to myself. I see
    that Karen liked your post, too, She gave
    us Mr. Grief, who can visit anytime. Lou
     
    Gary166, Countess Joy and Rose69 like this.
  11. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Oh yes, I agree, this is really it. Sacred words. Losing our loved one over and over again.

    Lou, you 'hit the nail on the head' when you said I'm going through that stage of feeling lonely in a crowd.

    Hoping you all have a good night's sleep.
    Rose
     
    Gary166, Van Gogh and Countess Joy like this.
  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, a strange thing happened today.
    It was a hot day, and people were sluggish.
    I sit in the shade , most days, with a widow.
    We make each other laugh, but are just
    friends. and want to keep it that way. We
    sat with an engaged couple. They've been
    together for several yrs. He's about 15 yrs
    older, & had been married. She never had,
    & wanted to. As they drank, the talk became sexier. At one point, when her
    fiance walked away, the woman stood
    close to me & said she never saw my eyes
    without my sunglasses. She also said we
    were the perfect height for each other.
    She reminded me of Linda, and I impulsively kissed her cheek, stupidly
    saying I hadn't kissed a woman in a long
    time. She shocked me by kissing me ---hard --- on the lips. I stammered, "well, that will
    do me for a while!". My widow friend
    laughed. Later, the woman came back ,
    after having a fight with her fiance. My
    friend said they often fought when they
    had been drinking. I don't drink,anymore.
    What this tells me, is that I may indeed
    want a woman, to kiss on the cheek, and to
    hug, but one who had not been drinking,&
    had a boyfriend! I felt guilty later
    kissing the woman .... I have to,admit that
    I have been "lonely in a crowd" , of both
    friends and tourists. Lou
     
    Gary166, Countess Joy and Rose69 like this.
  13. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Wow, Lou, you described what happened to you as if it was a scene from a film! Don't feel guilty, she was the one who made that 'extra' move, you had only given her an innocent kiss on the cheek.;)


    Such a scorching hot, humid day again today, but it's normal this time of year, unfortunately.

    Take care.
    Rose
     
    Gary166, Countess Joy and Van Gogh like this.
  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Rose. I loved sitting in movie
    theaters , growing up. Linda & I stopped
    going to the ones in the mall, bc people
    don't behave: yelling, eating loudly,
    and trying to sneak looks at their cell
    phones. We controlled our atmosphere, by
    buying a DVD player, and borrowing DVDs
    from the local library. Now, in the summer,
    I can go to my small town , stand alone ,
    theater, where people are quiet and
    considerate. Linda & I went to this
    theater when we got married in '96,
    before moving to city for work. I feel
    like a kid again, bc the old movie classics
    in this theater. reminds me of the one ,
    somewhere else, in my boyhood. Lou
     
    Gary166, Rose69 and Countess Joy like this.
  15. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    This is to everyone who has gone past 1 year and beyond. It's been 20 months since Jack passed. I have not been feeling myself, mentally and most of all physically.
    It's a feeling of unwell every day, physically. I've had lab work and everything is fine, but I don't feel fine inside me. Hard to explain. My physically zest is not well. I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced this unwell feeling and what did you do for it? I keep waiting for the day I can wake up and feel good, but it's not happening. Is this a symptom of grief? Or maybe mental? Thanks friends, Karen
     
  16. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Dear Karen, I'm probably not the right person to comfort you but I DO relate to you completely. Its been 20 months for me, too, but for me not even one day has passed. I'm lost in time, all that's been happening since that fatal day, seems like another parallel life that I'm living, not the real one, as if I'm living someone else's life, or acting in a film, just don't know how to explain it. My mind is constantly in a 'trance', and I don't see any way out of it. What do I do, to save my sanity? I think that I have to go on for my kids, luckily they are both grownup now, in their twenties but they are not independent yet. Thankfully for me, still both living at home,but I feel guilty feeling like an emotional burden for them while they try and get on with their own lives,seeing me forever depressed. Then I try to get comfort just feeling my husband beside me, talking to him and letting him take part in everything I do, everywhere I go, continuing asking for his advice, suggestions, approval,feeling his love all around me. I live out in the country, so as our friend Robin has already suggested in another thread, walking and getting lots of fresh air does help. I also find that continuing tasks that my C had started, gives me satisfaction, like painting all the railings around my house, planting vegetables, looking after our land and general home maintenance jobs. I can only suggest immersing yourself into a hobby you have always had, especially if it's an activity that you did together with your husband,like I've been doing with my piano playing (we had just started learning together). I have to admit it took me months to sit back on that bench again, where we both sat snuggly together.

    Sorry again you're suffering like this, my thoughts are with you, we're in this together, you, Lou, Gary, Robin, Bernadine,"Sweetcole", Patti, Helena,Deb,, .....our new members, sorry if I missed anyone,, my mind is very 'foggy,' as you all understand. Together we will make it.
    A big hug.
    Rose
     
    Gary166 and Van Gogh like this.
  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, just woke up in the middle of the
    night, got on GIC, and welcomed Pam, 63,
    a new member , who has manic depression, like I have. Then, I found you,
    comforting my good friend, Karen, who
    welcomed me to GIC a year ago. Thank you, Rose, for mentioning my name and
    other GW. Now, back to sleep. Keep cool and hydrated. Lou
     
    Gary166 and Rose69 like this.
  18. Helena Beatriz

    Helena Beatriz Well-Known Member

    Hello Karen,

    I'm very sorry you're feeling the way you are feeling, I have only experienced my first six months without Geoff, I know that it's only a frame of our minds to feel sad or happy. My first four months were like agony, I used to say 'what it's the point', you all gave me positive advice so I can continue healing, thanks to TGW I'm here in one piece, and moving forward... we are part of the living world! be with nature, enjoying every little moment with whatever we are doing. Sending your way my positive thoughts.
    Helena
     
    Gary166, Rose69 and Van Gogh like this.
  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Helena, in the short time I've known you,
    you have come a long way, from the
    depressed, lonely state you were in. You
    were hesitant at first, but I suggested that
    you say Goeff's name to honor his
    memory. All of TGW are faced with Mr.
    Grief ( Karen's brilliant name) every day.
    I cry a little every morning , bc I will never
    "get over" the death of my soulmate,
    Linda, after 25 years of marriage. I know
    that if our roles were reversed, and I died
    before Linda. that she wouldn't have been
    able to last as long as I've had, bc of her
    many medical issues. I'm glad to see you
    on Wed. Art Therapy day. We are all
    praying that George is OK, and will join
    you today. Lou
     
    Gary166 and Rose69 like this.
  20. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Thank you Rose. I forgot you are in your 20 month also. I think one thing, like you, is our children. We must go on for them and that's my purpose for them to know I'll be alright, I'll smile, I'll love them and I'll survive. I have a bad memory of my Mom. She was an alcoholic since my Dad died for 20 years and that's what she died of. I don't want my kids to think of me in a bad way after I pass is why I'm trying to get a hold of myself.
    I love how you are taking care of your country place with C beside you.

    Hobby, well 3 days ago I adopted the most adorable kitten and I must say she's my hobby now. As you may have read I lost Jack's cat, Rambo, and he became mine and kept my sanity after Jack passed. I was crushed all over again, grieving, but now I have another kitty to fill my void.

    Your story is wonderful, I see such positive vibes in it for you. Thanks for posting, Karen
     
    Rose69 and Van Gogh like this.