I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

What about post cards?
Print on demand.

 

Even with those bare necessities of life,
you managed to share a funny story about
Maggie, which made other GW, like me,
laugh. Robert Frost,who had much tragedy
in his life, said that laughter prevents us
from going insane. That is why Karen's
idea of a new thread : GRIEF & LAUGHTER,
is so vital for us. Lou

 

I stopped the 4th of every month after 1 year, it was just to painful reliving that day.

 

Karen, I think that was a wise move. I
just praised your thread idea of GRIEF &
LAUGHTER, to Bernadine, who has a
good sense of humor like all the other GW.
I paraphrased Robert Frost, who had
much tragedy in his life. He said that
laughter prevented us from going insane.
Lou

 

Countless Joy & Deb- I've been reading your entries about losing your loved ones, and I feel the urge to share. I lost my husband 4 years ago. He was diagnosed with cancer, having already lost his brother and mother to this evil disease. We had been together for 20+ years, and I thought he was the person I would grow old with. Instead, for the last 2 yrs of his life I watched him slowly deteriorate. I went to every appointment, every chemo. Like Deb's Bob, my Dave didn't want to talk about his impending death. I tried to bring it up, but he wouldn't have it. The last few weeks he was non-verbal, had a hard time walking. The night he died, I woke up because I heard him yell my name, ya know in that familiar way he would call for me. I checked on him and he appeared to be sleeping. I am truly convinced that was the moment he died. Four years later, I still feel his presence. I know he is healthy and whole and I believe he will be waiting for me when it's my time.

Like Joy said in her original post "I was prepared for devastation, sleepless nights or feeling odd in an empty house. None of that is present. I’m just sad. I’m not isolating but feel fine being alone. I’m not in denial. He died. My soul contract, my shared heart, my inspiration for loving and being loved." This statement hit me so hard because it's how I feel.

Thank you, ladies, for telling your story. And for letting me tell you mine.

 

George, you made me laugh, my first laugh for today, with your "holly-day". You have such a unique way with your funny words, where did you get that from?

 

My heart goes out to you when I read about Dave's last moments on this earth.
As horrible as it is for you to recount this
4 years after his death, you did the right
thing to join us at Grief in Common (GIC).
My wife, Linda, went into a rehab. unit
for physical therapy, to give her the
strength to walk, while battling breast
cancer & a sharp pain in her back. One
horrific day, Linda collapsed in front of
me. I ran frantically, yelling for nurses
to help. My last memory of her was the
nurses helping her off the floor. There
was something so grotesque about the
way she fell on the edge of the bed. When
the rescue squad sped to her room, I knew
in my gut, that it was over, & sobbed
uncontrollably. Her favorite nurse told
me she had no pulse. They tried to revive
her on way to ER. I followed in another
ambulance, but when we arrived at the
ER, a doctor told me she was dead on
arrival. I already knew that in my heart,
& was numb, in shock. Linda was 68.
We were married 25 years, no children.
She died over 3 years ago, & I went to a
grief counselor. She just let me weep the
first few sessions in her home/ office.
Later, she suggested books on grief, &
suggested GIC, but I didn't join until July
of this year. I've made several friends here,
including Deb, & some newer members,
like Bernadine. You were kind enough to
share Dave's name. May I ask yours ? My
name is Lou.

 

That takes motivation which is very hit or miss right now...

 

Something Valerie and I used to groove to...

 

This is exactly like what happened with Valerie!

 

On my own. Me too. exactly how it was with Jack, didn't want to talk about it and didn't think he was going to die. Karen

 

I’m going to have a soapbox moment:
I would like to encourage all GWs to take this opportunity to be brave enough to begin these conversations with our siblings, parents, children, health care teams, friends.
There are resources available to help open discussions and guide you through the kinds of decisions and information that is important, not just for death but for life.

More than business passwords, power of atty and insurance policies.
Advanced directives help open conversations about health decisions for medical care whenever someone is unable to make a decision for themselves. Car accidents, illnesses, emergencies, end of life medications and procedures.
And then;
What do you love? Music, foods, nature, poems. Who are the people in those family photos, what story do they tell. Who do you want to talk to, are there loose ends. Kenn wrote his own obituary. Well, he wrote pages and pages we had to edit down but it showed us how He wanted to be remembered. What He felt was important about the life he had lived.
Kenn loved popcorn. I was able to pop popcorn on the stove, he couldn’t eat it but the smell was nostalgic and comforting and opened his memory bank of childhood during a time when being oriented to ‘reality’ was challenging. These things make a difference. A sip of sake, a playlist of favorite songs. Mantras and prayers.
What comforts you now? A richness of a lifetime to use during any challenge not just deathbed moments. When you hear yourself saying “Oh, I love that song, smell, image, place…” write it down, use it as a tool for living. And share it with others who can remember when you may not be able to.
These were conversations Kenn and I had very early on and I believe they altered the final years, months and hours of both of our lives. And have continued to bring me comfort after his death.

You have to be brave and start the conversation.
At least with yourself.
Death has touched your life, use this to your advantage….
Get all nostalgic and journal the hell out of it. Be gutsy, use your grit.
It doesn’t hasten death. It can remove some fear, chaos and regrets though.
Just start normalizing the conversation in your head, in your heart and then with one other person.
It’s not morbid to talk about the one thing that has a 100% chance of happening to all of us.
….and if you begin it now you can trust me that it improves every stage of this beautiful life we’re all living.

ok, I’ll get down now.
Be brave GWs.
~Bernadine

 

Wow, Bernadine. Thank you. That's a lot
to digest, so I will just say thank you
right now, & read your words again,
before commenting. Lou

 

B, that's a lot to take in and I will read and re-read this over and over. Thank you for sending this positive message. Karen

 

Bernadine, in my MIND, I've made out a
will, to benefit people I care about, instead
of letting anything I own, go to the state.
But, I have not taken the crucial step of
seeing an attorney to present my wishes.
I'm still in a fatigued state, in the
aftermath of COVID. I need rest, being
able to walk outside in nature,
and sharing laughs with my friends, before I contemplate my mortality. Lou

 

As grievers we have Enough ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ This is Not to trigger those.
please please Be gentle with yourselves.
When I die I do not want my son to get on GIC and say “I knew she was dying and she didn’t want to talk about it” that would not protect him from death, it would effect how he lives.
We’re all living and we’re all dying, it’s life at it’s finest to walk both paths.
~B

 

Gr

Grief Sucks.
You’re doing great, Lou.
It’s just food for thought and hope for the future.
~B

 

Thank you, Bernadine. You are amazing
with your garden & Maggie, and a zest
for life in spite of missing & crying over
Kenn every day. It's as if GIC is a strange,
sad club, but we need each other. I like
Karen's new thread: GRIEF & LAUGHTER,
bc we've all been through hell, as well
as the spouses we love, in our hearts &
minds forever, and deserve to relax,
smile, and yes, laugh again.
Lou

 

Karen,

I hope I'm able to stop after the one year mark, but I'm not sure... This will have to be another one of those TBC's...

Sending you and Rambo lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Bernadine,

This is by far, one of the best messages I've read... It's making me think, I mean REALLY!!! think!!!, TUTTAM!!! Thank you so very much for sharing this "soapbox" moment with all of us...

As always, sending you and Maggie lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB