I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

Bernadine,

It's truly a gift that you and Kenn were able to share your feelings, talk about his death openly, and at the same time, not dwell on it. Bob was a very stoic person. In spite of this, he was able to open up and share his innermost feelings with me about everything important, except for the most important thing of all, preparing for his death. He refused to acknowledge, or at least openly acknowledge, that there was nothing he could do to save himself from death. He wanted to live... in spite of how small his world had become..., in spite of all the pain he endured... To repeat what had become his favorite saying, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day."

Combined with this, was his wanting to always protect me from everything that would make me sad, stress me out, cause me pain. He wanted me to be happy above everything else. I did my very best to let him know that although I would always miss him with all my heart, I would be okay on my own. We talked about hospice, but he didn't want it. I tried to explain to him that hospice didn't mean he was giving up on life, that it was meant to improve the quality of life that he had. I tried talking to him about palliative care too, reminding him that if he chose palliative care, he could still receive as much medical treatment as he wanted. He didn't want this either. He wouldn't or couldn't, not sure which one, share his deepest feelings with anyone but me, and I'm positive there were many things he didn't share with me. He wanted to be, right up until the very last moment of his life, my protector, my knight in shining armor... There is no doubt in my mind, even during that last 24 hours of his life, even when he had suffered that final heart attack, he didn't know he wasn't going to survive. However, even when those chest pains hit signaling the beginning of the end of his life, he still begged me to get the ER physician (physician isn't exactly the word I'm thinking of here..) to call an ambulance ASAP, to transport him to the hospital he wanted to go to, the only hospital equipped to handle all of his very complicated health needs. No matter what happened in Bob's life, he was a fighter, always ended up on his feet, able to conquer every challenge life threw at him, except the one that no one can conquer..., DEATH.

It makes me over the top sad that Bob's final moments on this earth, were anything but peaceful... stripped of his dignity by the worst, most uncaring hospital staff I've ever encountered, and that I wasn't allowed to be with him for approximately the last 45 minutes of his life... It makes those floodgates open, makes me more sad than I can express in words..., that he wasn't able to share with me how he must have felt. So many things left unsaid between us... But, and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, we were each other's one true love, and there are no words to describe how grateful, how lucky I was, to have been able to share so much of my life with Bob. He was my knight in shining armor..

I would gladly pass you a tissue if I could stop crying long enough to hand you a dry one... All of this SUCKS!!!

As always, sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you for sharing this part of your story with Bob. Hugs right back at you, I swear we gotta get embroidered hankies. Less lint.

 

Bernadine.

Love this!!! Thanks for the laugh!!! Lighter moments scattered throughout the day, help make all those darker moments slightly more bearable.

I've been thinking about you. When you have time, feel up to it, you've got to let us know how that meeting between you and the puppy went this morning!!! I hope he?/she? stole your heart... Just thinking about you adopting a new fur baby, has me smiling big time... There is just something so wonderful..., so special... about falling in love with a puppy... Stopping here before I write you the longest message yet. When it comes to fur babies, I know I can outlast that Energizer Bunny!!!, TU!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

It’s a girl!
She has no name yet. Jet black hair. 15 weeks, 18lbs, big paws…. She’ll be a large dog.
She’s had a busy week and it’s her first night away from her sister so I’m betting it will be up and down nights for a few days. Send some of that energizer bunny energy my way!

 

Congratulations. Your a new Mom.

 

Bernadine,

I’m so over the top happy for you!!!, TU!!! My very
favorite fur baby was about the same age, and weighed 18 lbs. too on the day we welcomed her into our family. When she was fully grown, she weighed 90 lbs.

CONGRATULATIONS!!

As always, sending you and your new fur baby lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

New puppy’s name is Maggie Joy, she’s a jet black labradoodle, it seems by accident not breeding. I wanted the Lab part, never thought of myself as a poodle person TU! but here I am. ~B

 

Bernadine,

Give Maggie Joy lots and lots and lots and lots, etc., of hugs and love from me... Puppies are the absolute best!!!, TU!!! Although I love all dogs, I never thought of myself as a poodle person either, but and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, labradoodles are so cute!!!, TU!!! I bet Maggie Joy is super smart and friendly, being part poodle and part lab.

Thanks for the smiles... especially today, it's cold!!! (I know I have no right to complain living in the south, but after living here since the beginning of 2018, my definition of cold has drastically changed, lol...)

I need to start the car and get that heat going, I have things to do this morning.

I hope Maggie Joy slept at least halfway through the night, letting you get some much needed rest.

I'm procrastinating!!! I don't want to step outside my front door... but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I am going to be brave, face the elements NOW...

As always, sending you and Maggie Joy lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks Deb,
Yep, Maggie’s smart, determined, persistent. That makes her hard to ignore and everything under 3 feet is cleared out lol.
She slept in 2 hour segments overnight. Not quite enough for me but we’re headed in the right direction.
Kenn would have loved her, I bet he’s smiling out there. ~Bernadine

 

4 months.
Kenn died 4 months ago today.

 

Thank you, Lou
4 months, a third of a year I’ve been without him.
~B
(When you start a post you can select a color.)

 

I just got through the year mark. Delayed reaction. Very depressed

 

Bernadine,

My heart goes out to you... T SUCKS!!!..., TUTTAM!!!... It' strange... I feel like I've "known" you so much longer than I actually have. Since Bob's death, time seems to fly by and stand still, all at once.

Be very gentle with yourself today... Take care of yourself the very best you possibly can... Do whatever you need to do to get through today.... Whenever I have to deal with a way past sad anniversary, I think about what Lou said to us, "It's just one day." So true... Try to keep this in mind, and remember: You ARE!!! HEALING!!!... I think being forced to confront the sad anniversary of Kenn's death, Bob's death, having Mr. Grief take center stage for awhile, in a twisted sort of way, might be a good thing. We are confronting the over the top painful reality of our situations head on, all of our tears are healing tears... WE CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER...

I'm glad you have Maggie to cuddle up next to, to (hopefully) get you to see the beauty in all those ordinary moments, to make you smile..., maybe even laugh..., as you grieve this very sad anniversary date.

As always, sending you and Maggie lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. I LOVE!!! how you expressed your feelings, typing in red, saying it all, without saying a lot. Like Karen, I think you have a gift when it comes to sharing your feelings, in short, neat, easy to read messages, that are so very touching, all at the same time.

 

George,

Slightly off, but on subject, all at the same time. I love!!! your artwork. Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us. Just like I said to Bernadine, although you might NOT feel like it, YOU ARE HEALING!!! Let all those healing tears flow... Mr. Grief is so unpredictable... always lurking over us, ready to strike at any minute, but also allowing us to find some calmer moments... So sorry Mr. Grief has hit you full force today... If you feel up to it, maybe it would help if you worked on making another picture.

As always, I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel any better, all I can do is to tell you I'm "listening," I care, and I "get" it... IT SUCKS!!!

Sending you lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S.

George,

Have you ever thought about making a small book?, having one of your pictures taking up most of the page, with a very short sentence underneath it, describing how you were feeling when drawing it?

 

One year. That’s big.

 

I was doing ok. But then depression hit on Sunday and I've been fighting it all week.

 

I wish!

 

Thank you, Deb
I made it through the day, the 2nd of every month for the rest of my life will be a marker, won’t it.
Basics; food, rest, walk the dog. We make it through the challenging days. ~B