I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

So, I cried in the dentist’s office today.
They asked me a question and I couldn’t make a decision, I had no capacity to look 6 weeks ahead.
~B

 

Thanks, Gary for the kind words, it’s nice to have a place to check in, to belong.
George, you’re a rock star with this whole moving thing.
3 weeks til solstice everyone, hang on, the light will return!
~B

 

Bernadine I scattered Cheryl‘s ashes on summer solstice in a wildlife area on the side of a hill that overlooks a lake in a woods. I mixed bird and butterfly flower seeds Plus hollyhock seeds from her childhood home in her ashes. I read the children’s story “beyond the ridge” and we burned sage. I left bird feathers and an arrowhead there. I felt that I couldn’t have honored Cheryl more. About two weeks later I was in a woods in Michigan digging a hole.I looked at the hole and thought wouldn’t it be nice to get in there and just cover myself up and go away? I’ve always wanted to go back to great earth mother. In the beginning of our loss decision making sucks. The cognitive part of my brain was not working. I backed my truck into the garage. I almost had an accident with a firearm. If I spilled a glass of water it was a major crisis. I thought I was going crazy. After three months I decided to see the doctor. The doctor patiently listened to me pour my heart out about losing Cheryl. He told me all my emotions were normal in regards to grief. and said to come back in a year and if you’re still experiencing this and we will address it. We have to keep reminding ourselves easy does it slow down be kind and gentle to yourself. I’m really looking forward to the winter solstice getting here too. Rebirth. Start anew. Day light increases. thank you for reminding me of that. Gary

 

That sounds like an incredibly meaningful ritual. I have a sense Cheryl must have loved it. Thank you for sharing that. ~B

 

My cat, Tai, my constant companion. 14 year old tux. She talks and has the best purr. She’s saved me since Kenn died.
She got sick early wed morning. Vet said it was a neurological event- stroke. I’ve buried her under the oak tree in my yard. ~Bernadine

(if there’s something I’m supposed to be learning I hope I do it quickly. wtf.)

 

B, you don't know how sorry I am for the loss of Tai. I have a 15 1/2 year old cat, Rambo, he got sick in October and I thought I was going to lose him, that's when I started getting dizziness spells. He has saved me too since Jack died.
I feel your loss so deeply. You've lost two loves so quickly. We wonder why. Take care, Karen

 

Bernadine, I’m so very sorry about Tai. My heart breaks for you. Our pets are so important. They love us unconditionally. She loved you and cared for you, that’s obvious. As always you’re in my prayers and Tai too.
We’re here for you. Robin

 

Bernadine,

I’m so sorry to hear that Tai died. There is such a special bond between us and our furry family members… They provide us with unconditional love, are always here for us, asking very little in return….
I had to reach for a tissue as soon as I read this…. It SUCKS!!! BIG TIME!!!, TU!!!

I love that you buried Tai under the oak tree in your yard. Just an idea, but have you thought about having a small memorial stone made for her?

I know there is nothing I can do or say to make you feel any better, but I “get” it, how unbelievably painful it is to lose a very special, very much loved, furry family member…. I’m so sorry…

Sending zillions of hugs, lots of love your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Bernadine I’m sorry you lost Tai too. I’m glad you were able to return Tai to our Great Earth Mother at your home. My last dog was a black lab named Bruiser. Bruiser saw my last drunk and we were the soul survivors when the rest of the family went south. Bruiser gave me unconditional love through the second worst time in my life. I haven’t had another animal since 2001. Have you heard of being a foster parent to an animal from the Humane Shelter? The Shelter gives appropriate medical attention and provides the food. The foster parent provides the home. The animal is posted online for potential pet owners to view. If the animal is a good fit for the foster parent they can keep it. If not the animal stays with the foster parent until it is chosen. Just a thought. Robin thanks for posting The Rainbow Bridge. I had never seen it before. Gary

 

Thanks you guys, I really appreciate the thoughtful responses. I thought I was sad before but the tears sure have been flowing. Damn, what week, two months, two and a half years. I’m reeling.

Gary, even though she was an indoor city cat here in her senior years Tai had spent years as a country cat at my sisters farm so an outdoor burial felt the best way to honor her life and to have her near. Although Kenn might have liked some company on the mantle, oh well.
I’m not sure I could foster, I’ve felt the impermanence of life deeply and said enough goodbyes for now.
After the kids moved out I planned to get a dog but the timing depended on Kenn’s and my needs. I have already begun the search, not to replace Tai but to enhance the quality of my days. It’s soon, but not impulsive. It’ll encourage me to get up and go outside. To be present in the moment as young puppies require.
In the morning I will rebuild my side gate and find a way to provide some sort of boundary around the delicate areas of the garden. In my mind I imagine we will care and compliment each other. There will be walks and car rides and camping. I’m taking care to be thoughtful in the process, realistic expectations with visions of adventure. Interesting to be thinking of a future, surreal that Tai is gone so suddenly. I miss Kenn, he would have loved a new puppy.

3:45am haven’t been to sleep. I really should work on that. ~Bernadine

 

Labs are the best, sounds like Bruiser was good company. ~B

 

What a beautiful attitude and plan you have on embarking your journey into your new life Bernadine. During bad days When my second divorce was in progress I would come home from work and collapse on the floor and cry. My beautiful companion Bruiser would come over and push his muzzle into the side of my face to comfort me. I could almost sense the sadness in his eyes in wanting to help me. To prove his loyalty Bruiser would curl up by the bed for an hour then go to his doggie bed for the night. Someone said a prayer like “God make me the man my dog thinks I am”. I can relate. I never got another dog for fear of losing one again. I’m not ready to make a commitment now but I am considering. Freezing rain to arrive two hours before sunset will give me opportunity for the maiden ice fishing expedition of 2022 today. Gary

 

B, I think you are the only one on this forum who said the word, "future". Last night I thought back to a person I knew who went through a divorce, one year later he said to Jack and me, "I'm starting to think ahead instead of looking back". I hope the future will reveal itself for all of us who don't know.
To me, future remains stagnant. I'm just getting through each day.
B, I'm glad you have a plan, sound good. You're truckin. Karen

 

Karen, I think I expressed how death after illness might shift a little piece of grief because So much grieving has already happened. I grieved losses for two and a half years, deep hopeless moments of grief.
The future is something Kenn and I worked really hard on. I did not abandon my future while he died. Towards the end his care was a full time gig but I stayed enrolled in trainings, planted flowers that would come up in spring. We were so intentional about crafting a space where the end of his life would not end mine. It was hard, maybe the hardest thing to make plans we knew he wouldn’t live to see. It doesn’t change the devastation of his absence of course. And over two years of grieving has taken a toll, I’m tired in my bones, and it feels it will never end. But I do hold a sliver of hope for tomorrow. We’ll all get there, of that I am certain. Hang on, Karen. ~B

 

That’s what I can’t figure out. The grief professionals say there is no difference from losing someone suddenly and unexpectedly to a long expected death. I know I’m traumatized But not like our members who have done the long term care giving. I believe long term care adds an additional amount of stress to the spouses. I know I would have been there for Cheryl out of love and devotion but it would have wore me out. I admire everyone here who endured that especially Patti. You never see peoples love for their spouse until you see them love them to the end. A lady at our in person grief meetings says there is something very beautiful about grief. WTF?! And I think it is recognizing this total all out effort to do everything possible for our beloved. That’s why grief affects us so much because we loved with our hearts and souls. We are warriors of love also.TLW. Love and grief are opposites. Like the yin and yang. I didn’t catch any keepers today but it was still fun. I Love you all. Gary

 

I’m sorry you came home without a catch.
I do think it’s different. I wonder if it’s just a timing thing though , which things are cumulative or acute grief triggers to each of us on any given day?

 

Exactly. I wish I could press pause when a sequence of memories start. I’ve gained a little ground on accepting the loss of Cheryl. But having the ability to control my emotions doesn’t exist. In Permission to Mourn the author encourages expressing emotions to gain authentic power. It’s a pretty deep concept for me. If I could freely express my emotions I would be more in tune to the ecstasies and tragedies of life. I might not be concerned about what other people think of me then. It makes me wonder how people survived wars and plagues. We do have a lot to be grateful for. I better get off my soapbox. I’m not into achievement like I used to be. It was so nice to sit on top of the ice and fish yesterday. Our interactions with nature sustains us. I caught a smorgasbord of fish; perch, blue gills, bass, red ear and a grass pike. But they weren’t big enough to stink up a skillet. Have you tried a white noise machine? I’m using the Aventech model that has 20 different sounds which vary from; fan noises, waves, fire crackling, trains, running water, birds and etc. It helps with the silence. Gary

 

Gary,

Like Bernadine, I now know, what I didn't know at the time, that I was going through anticipatory grief. However, unlike Bernadine, I didn't develop that "grief muscle." I knew Bob was going to die way before it happened, but couldn't wrap my mind around this. Even during the very worst moments, those life and death moments that happened way too frequently, it all seemed so surreal... But, and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I think Bernadine also said (sorry Bernadine if I don't remember this correctly!), that nothing can prepare us for the actual moment of death. I agree with this. In total shock... seemingly so surreal..., but at the same time, all that pain..., total heartbreak. It's impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced this, what total heartbreak feels like. I know all of TGW "get" it, but wish so much that not one of us had to "get" it!!!, TU!!!

I think you're right, long term care leaves us over the top stressed out, emotionally and physically exhausted, but so does unexpected, sudden loss. I'm not sure there really is any way to compare the two, both of them just SUCK!!!, TU!!! Maybe what the grief professionals are trying to say is that whether anticipated or not, we all react in much the same way when we lose the one love of our lives. Not sure if I really added anything to what you just said, or only repeated it in a different way, but will hit send anyway. I'm way too frazzled to go back and reread this.

I wouldn't describe grief by saying there is something beautiful about it. I think your "WTF?", sums it up much better. However, I agree with what you said, grief and love are opposites. Without one, the other doesn't exist. This made me think. Thank you for sharing.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. I like your "TLW..." So true!!!

 

Catch and release is a great way to pass a few hours, I’m glad you had that bit of enjoyment. “Stink up a pan” is funny, I hadn’t heard that.
I have a timer that shuts off my tv. Just enough noise so I can fall asleep and then quiet in the room the rest of the night.
There sure is a balance between feeling my emotions and managing them enough to get through the day… When they feel really big, and many parts of grief are Big, I remember we’re strong enough to experience them. I say it out loud, “I’m Strong Enough to Feel This” over and over, quietly or loud, whatever it takes to match the feeling so it’s bearable.
Our bodies were created to feel, they’re what this human journey is all about. They’re also created to heal, bring things into balance. Sometimes it’s tough to express feeling and let them flow but it’s better than letting stay stuck in the dark corners where they wear away at us. I love Deb’s stories about just going out and giving herself permission to cry wherever she is. That’s a woman in flow. Lou shares his story with everyone he meets, that’s how he stays in flow. You, Gary, get yourself outside in nature where you access Cheryl’s energy and let it flow. We all have our way and grief carries not just big emotions but so varied. And, at least for me, when they show up unexpectedly it doubles (quadruples) the challenge to stay on my feet. I guess no matter how we navigate our journeys we have places where we get stuck, and then we remember we’re alive and just keep moving somehow. ~B
**I have an appointment to meet a puppy tomorrow, omg!**

 

Deb, Kenn and I found ourselves in a unique position of being able to talk about his death. We didn’t dwell on it but somehow we didn’t need to hide our experiences of it, how we were feeling. I’ve never had that openess with anyone else. I know I will not likely find it again. Pass the tissues….