I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

Gary, I choked up when you said Cheryl &
our spouses tried so hard to stay with us.
You brought back my last images of
Linda. I know you didn't mean to, and it's
all part of the grieving "process"( I've
hated that word, since the well meaning,
younger funeral director used it, after
Linda's funeral). But, to use yet another
Godfather analogy, I feel like I'm Michael
Corleone, in Godfather III, when he cried
out, in anguish: "Just when I thought I was
out, they PULL me back in!!!". Lou

 

I appreciate all the fine wishes! I am so exhausted for sure. If I go off line for a day or two it's because my computer is getting packed and I don't use a phone for internet like most 'normal' people! To all TGW's have a peaceful and kind time!

 

Gary, I took a 2 hour nap late afternoon. after walking a lot, on a gray, cold 30s,
day. I was happy to see you on GIC tonight.
That would be so great if you & brother G.
could visit me on Cape Ann. I would show
you the ocean views of the old seaport,
fishermen city of Gloucester, and the
small, seaside art colony, where the
Shack is. You & George could sit next to
me at the friendly, CHEERS-like bar, and I'd
introduce you to both local regulars and
tourists. I would have my usual, non
alcoholic drink: cranberry juice, soda,
& a lime. No vodka, like I used to. You
would see that my secret is that I listen to
people. I always ask friendly tourists
where they're from, and they ask about my town. Lou

 

Wow Gary, Greed sure is ugly. I agree, forgiving is for us. I’ll probably forgive my snl, and my brother for not coming to my aid. Why he’s with her I don’t know but I’ll do my best to deal with her because my brother is such a good person. My sister I’m afraid went too far, no forgiveness there. the pain and hurt she caused is too deep. I’m trying very hard not even think of her. Cheryl was a very courageous woman, she went through so much. She tried so hard to breathe on her own, she fought a good fight.
Right now, I’m thinking more positive and anxiously awaiting picking up my son early in the morning. Spending some quality time with both my children. Each like Ron is certain ways. My daughter more then my son.
Hope everyone gets some rest tonight. Robin

 

Lou I’m sorry my comments caused you more grief. I would never want to hurt anybody. You’ve taught us so much. It seems like the more powerful the love of our spouses the more intense the grief is for us. Your love for Linda was very powerful. I took a flight out of New York City in 1980. that was the furthest east I’ve ever been. that would be so cool to see your neck of the woods and see how you mingle with those wonderful people. Robin after reading your post again I agree our families should be there to support us not tear us down. Since I changed the beneficiaries there has been no correspondence even from the neutral sisters. If it weren’t for my brother niece and two close friends I would have no one to talk to. This site is such a blessing. Robin it is even exciting for me to know that you’re going to receive a big bear hug from your son and be with your daughter today. I can see Teddy wagging his tail and being very happy to. George is on a mission behind enemy lines where he had to go to radio silence because it’s moving day. I know you won’t get this message for a while George but we are all pulling for you. I have to do a medical road trip today. I may not be back until later this evening. Keep the faith TGW. Gary

 

Well my goodness, some of you had a truly sucky holiday. I hope things are settling, I read about forgiveness, about standing up for ourselves and saw how you supported others in similar situations. I liked the parts where there was restraint in tearing other people down. We never do know the lives others are living, I have no expectation that Kenn’s death would change that. We dance around other people’s messiness while trying to breathe through our own. We’re doing a damned fine job if you ask me.
And just like that I made it through another week. This morning at 8am it was three weeks since Kenn became unresponsive. Don’t read further if you find dying icky.
I heard somewhere that we loose our buoyancy as we die. 2 days of caring for his body when it became dead weight and I believe it’s true. I kept kissing his forehead and tucking him in after I cleaned him up each time. He wanted me to not move his body after he died so I made sure he was positioned comfortably. 2 days. The hospice nurse did drop by for a bit on Monday afternoon to see how we were. In under 24 hours it will be 3 weeks since he died. And, the hardest part, was 16 hours after that when they came to take his body away. Interesting that the moment of death was peaceful but letting go of his body was the hard part. Every part of me felt responsible for his body.
It’s 3am, I have been irresponsibly staying up too late. Puttering around as my grandma would say. Not insomnia, I could probably sleep if I wanted. But sleeping is followed by waking up and looking at a whole day ahead without him.
Kenn’s older than I am, half my life and a third of his we were together, long enough to learn each other’s soft spots but more importantly, at the moment anyway, I’m figuring out that we accumulated a sh*t-load of stuff. (And that we should never leave others to sort through it lol.)
Another disjointed post. Perhaps disjointed is my new normal.
Hoping for another ‘fine enough’ week as my friend and I say. “FE” we abbreviate it, FE I text her… fine enough. ‘cause ‘Fine’ seems a silly response right now.
Bernadine

 

Thank you Deb, Yes everything I shared is the Gods honest truth and there’s so much more. It was my sister who wanted me to pay her for the flight here. Which I’ll never do and the flight was no where near that expensive anyway. She lives in Florida.
My snl lives 15 minutes away and that’s who was rude on Thanksgiving. So I have 2 women treating me poorly.
However today is a new day and I’m getting ready to go pick up my son at the airport. He’s my focus today. So anxious to see him and spend time with him. He just let me know that he’s seated on the plane. Ron would be happy that our son is visiting. I’m sure Ron knows.
I’m sorry you’re struggling, this time of year things can be extra difficult. I’m sure those flowers are there to make you realize that Bob is with you and watching over you. Hope you and everyone else has a better day. Robin

 

Thank you Gary, my sons flight takes off soon. It’s a 2 hour flight and I’m getting ready to pick him up. My son, Ron jr, is a big guy and when I receive his loving bear hug, that’s when I feel the safest and the most love since Ron has passed.
I agree 100% that the more powerful our love was/is with our spouses the more intense our grief is. I’m thinking some of the people in our lives that cause us pain have never experienced that intense love. That’s sad. I need to keep moving. My son is in the air snd I certainly don’t want to be late. Every time I get to spend time with both my kids I feel like kid at Christmas.
Hope everyone has a better day. Robin

 

Gary, you never need to apologize to me.
ANYTHING can trigger an intense
longing for a " do over"with Linda. I'll
be moving along, and Mr. Grief ( thank
you, Karen) will scream at me that I
should been kinder to Linda, less self
centered& petty, and more affectionate
to her in the rehab/ nursing home. This
is irrational, guilt inducing, of course,
but it doesn't stop me from doing it. You
are very kind to say I've "taught" you &
TGW so much. But, the fact is that I
should practice what I preach.Recently,
I advised our youngest brother, George,
not to engage in the agonizing, useless
"coulda, shoulda, woulda" mantra, but I
did that when I was waking up this am.
I swore at myself and became my own
drill sergeant, kicking my ass out of bed,
making coffee, and getting in touch with
TGW. I needed to see you, first, then
Bernadine, and finally, Robin. When I was in the psychiatric unit, very alone, scared,
and consumed by guilt and suicidal
thoughts, I didn't start to get better, until
I saw other residents slowly emerge
from their rooms. It was as if I had been in
solitary confinement. I'll never forget
seeing an older woman, depressed, who
lived alone ( this was Thanksgiving,
early morning, 3 years ago, 2018), who asked me to have coffee with her at a table.
Two lonely souls on a family holiday. We
were soon joined by 7 other residents. At our 9am meeting, the counselor asked how
we slept. I said I didn't sleep at all. The
next night, the counselors & nurses
allowed me to sit all night, in the common
area, writing my emotions in a journal.
That's why it's so easy for me to write
down my talking points for my Monday am
phone therapy, and write to my close
friends, like you, on GIC. When all the
clients gathered around a long table on
that Thanksgiving day, one of them
carved a turkey. I looked around, and
felt they were like a family, who cared
for each other. That's how I feel about
TGW. This past Thanksgiving, I was
"adopted" by a family of 3 generations,
who made me feel at home. What a difference 3 years made! If, God willing,
you & George met me at the Shack, we
would hug, and probably choke back
tears ( but I wouldn't sob, like I did,
when I was drinking at the bar). Not
cool. After we choked up, I think "The
Three Amigos" would have a lot of laughs,
about everything: movies, books, music,
etc. We could even joke about my
imitation of Al Pacino, as Michael Corleone,
in The Godfather , Part III: ""Just when I
thought I was out, they PULL me back
in!!!". Lou

 

Robin, I agree with you, Gary, Deb, and
other GW, that the "more powerful the
love of our spouses, the more intense our
grief is". Except for our first years of
working at different jobs, Linda and I
were joined at the hip. When she died,
horrifyingly, suddenly, before my eyes,
I entered a world of pain I'd never
known. 25 years of marriage gone, in one
terrible instant. Like many here, after
the mental anguish of PTSD, I started
having PHYSICAL manifestations of
mourning. As Jonathan describes so
vividly in The Widower's Notebook, when
I was walking, it felt like I was wading
through hardening cement. Like
Jonathan, I became careless & accident
prone, bc I didn't give a damn about my
life. Now. 3 years later. I do. I have a
sleeping. eating, and walking regimen, bc
I want to live into my 90s, but healthier
& happier than my parents did. Thank
you, Gary, Bernadine, Stacey for being
on here early on a Mon morning, It
starts my week off right, in addition to
my weekly Mon am phone therapy
sessions. Looking forward to hearing
about your get together with your son.
Lou

 

Gary,

Just a quick message. I'm thinking about you, hoping, praying that your medical road trip goes well...

Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I'm back on line after a crazy day. I knew it would. Now I have a tiny bedrum full of totes and boxes. So far it's so weird but I can do this! I'm so sore and tired from moving and I get my dialysis party today too. Love and hugz to TGWs!

 

I hope your medical road trip went well. The move is done now to get through closing day and dialysis. Much to do here before there is a semblance of order and normalcy! Boxes and totes EVERYWHERE! But I'm back on line! Thanks for all the support my friend! and all the TGWs!

 

Thank you Bernadine for sharing Kenn's final days. Our stories are very important to us I think. It was around a year ago Valerie started the heavy dying stuff but I didn't really accept or know it. I thought she'd get better. As the winter went on especially after Christmas she was so not herself. I'd rub her feet and talk nonsense to her. I knew she wanted that. I just remember her big brown eyes . She could barely talk. . This went on for three months and I watched her get progressively sicker. Couldn't believe she'd really die!

 

Lou! You are a paragon for pulling yourself together. You show me that healing is possible and ok to do.

 

Wow, George, you came back on GIC,
like gangbusters, answering many GW,
including me. So happy you've finally
landed. Deb said you & TB should
celebrate with take out, or delivery. Take
your time with the boxes. You had to do all
that worrying and rushing before. Try to
give yourself a break







When I moved
to my current apartment, I tackled what I
needed first: toothbrush. & toothpaste (!)
and a few essential kitchen items, like a
coffee pot, mugs, glasses, & silverware!
Thanks for your compliment, George. Gary
and I missed our younger brother. Gary
wants the 2 of you to join me at the Shack!
Lou

 

Deb is so right we took ot a Chinese feast!~ I ate so much. It is so weird being in this new place. TB already unpacking kitchen essentials. Made sure he set up my computer so I could talk to my GW friends!

 

George,

Having some trouble with my chrome book this morning and just saw this message. I'm smiling big time... knowing that you are finally in your new apartment. I love that you and TB had some excellent Chinese take out last night. I bet it's strange being somewhere new after having spent so many years living somewhere else, but now, you're beginning a brand new journey... I look forward to hearing about all of your soon to be new adventures...

Backing up a bit, so glad TB set up your computer right away!!!, TU!!! I've been thinking about you, hoping all was going well, and am over the top happy to hear some good news!!!, TU!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Oh, I love that Valerie and you liked nonsense talk, it’s important in keeping us sane, right? And foot rubs are always a bonus.
Kenn was on hospice for two and a half years. So many times we prepared for the end only to have him get better enough that he almost didn’t qualify for it. But the last 2 months was when he and I knew we were in the ending.
There’s no way to prepare for the loss, it just can’t be imagined until it happens. Phone bills and bank accounts can be tended to before but not our hearts, not our daily routines, not prepared for life without them. It just can’t be imagined. ~B

 

Bernadine I know if you stay on this site with TGW (the grief warriors) you will be able to accomplish anything. George has been under so much stress in regards to selling his home and moving along with dialysis every other day. and he has continued to move forward. We’re alone in a sense but we’re not alone because we have each other. Make sure you get the basic fundamental needs sleep diet and exercise. You seem like a person who is into mindfulness. This grief business is the hardest thing we are ever going to do. Patti said no one should ever grieve alone. George and Deb my psa levels are rising sixty percent every three months. I have a virtual appointment with urologist Monday. I allow myself to get stressed out when I get lab work and a follow up appointment. Afterwards I try to enjoy my life until the next appointment. Dealing with the loss of Cheryl is far worse than any medical issues. I’m glad I don’t have to go through this alone. Bless you all. Gary