I know there’s no wrong way to grieve but…

Kenn died on November 2nd. At home, just the 2 of us, me in the big recliner we had hauled into the bedroom. He just stopped breathing. No gasp, no visible energy leaving his body, no mystical event like we thought there would be. He stopped breathing and my first thought was ‘we did it, you died your way, we didn’t know this would be the way but damn, look at us, we did it.’ It felt like he was scooped up by a quiet, benevolent force that knew he was ready.
I’m sad. He’s been my world, my Every Day for over 20 years.
I was prepared for devastation, sleepless nights or feeling odd in an empty house. None of that is present. I’m just sad. I’m not isolating but feel fine being alone. I’m not in denial. He died. My soul contract, my shared heart, my inspiration for loving and being loved.
I have to catch my breath sometimes, wipe a tear of course. Friday was hard, I went to collect his ashes drove the long way home through the rain on narrow winding back roads through the hills, drove through starbucks for espresso too late in the day (which kept me from sleeping but it was worth it)
I’m sad. Deeply blessed for the life we have, present tense.
I feel like others won’t know, or trust the depth of our love if they don’t see me falling apart.
I’m sad.

 

Countless Joy, I'm so sorry to hear about
the death of your soulmate, Kenn, after 20
years together. You have come to the
right place. There are many kind people
here from all over the country. I live on
the coast of Massachusetts. I happened to wake up in the middle of the night, and
read your post. May I ask your first name?
The reason I ask, is that I'm sure you feel
no "Joy" right now. My wife of 25 years
died suddenly, in front of me, exactly 3
years ago. Her name was Linda. My name
is Lou. Do you live anywhere where you
can walk outside in nature? I live near
the ocean, which brings me some peace.
Hope you will stay with us, on GIC. Lou

 

Hi Lou,
I arrived at this site last winter for a few days when anticipatory grief was taking a lot of my energy. Kenn had chosen to live in a hospice program and the commute, living ‘between’ lives was tough. There were lots of little losses that were accumulating.
In August Kenn came home for a long weekend as he did every month, the decline in his health and increased need for more personal care was such that we knew it was time for him to remain here to die.
I have a garden to tend. It’s my therapy, my stewardship, my connection to life. I grow flowers and food, pears from the tree gathered to bring in so he could have a taste of summer and flowers beside the bed. Dirty feet tracks from the back door to the bedroom were a constant until October when I needed to stay increasingly close.
In the last week it was just the two of us. Family members were uncomfortable with his confusion and we’d chased most of the hospice folks out. He needed quiet, we needed quiet.
Kenn was always mischievous so when he died at 12:12 on 11-2-2021 I knew it was his last wink at me. Every time I communicate the date I have to smile, all the ones and twos catch people’s attention. (and a delay caused his cremation to be on the 12th which I’m sure he had a hand in too)
Thank you for responding, for listening to a bit of our story and for sharing of Linda’s death, how hard that must be.
~My middle name is Joy, it was an important name to my mother and when she died I began using it on line sometimes, it carries strength for me and Kenn believed it suited me. You can call me by my first name, Bernadine.

 

My wife of 34 years, Valerie, died on Feb 20 at home she had been in hospice for around two weeks. Her rapid decline almost one year ago is traumatic to me still. The last Christmas together (she loved Christmas) was bittersweet . I tried to help make it still good. I still remember the last Christmas cookie she baked. She was so sick but she still did that! Now I have no interest in holidays. I usually get up too early; read your post and I see see Lou the Shack Man got here first! The Grief warriors on this site really help me not feel as bad so I hope we can help you too. Thanks for sharing your story. Welcome to this community of support and hope!

 

this holiday season will be your first without Valerie then, what a challenging time

 

Yes!
Everyone (society) is so Christmas crazed it seems this year but I feel blank inside and frozen. And this is the last week in my home of 17 years. My name is George BTW...

 

Bernadine, thank you so much for replying
to me this morning. I woke up at 7am,
instead of my usual 6am , bc I was up in the middle of the night, "talking" with
people on GIC. You are a warm, loving
woman. It is good that Kenn had you by
his side in the end. I cried, when I read
how you tended your garden, had that
mischievous sign from Kenn about his
time of death, and handled his ashes. After
Linda died, my grief counselor suggested
a book: The Widower's Notebook, a
memoir, by Jonathan Santlofer. Jonathan's
story was so like mine, that I had to put
the book away, at first, bc I was sobbing.
One morning, over coffee, I started the
book again. It is an honest portrayal of a
40 year marriage, with its' ups & downs.
Despite the tragedy of seeing his wife die
suddenly in front of him, the book has
humor, too, and explores his dealings with
people ( friends & strangers). I recommended the book to our group, and
several people here, have found great
comfort in it. Another great book is:
Permission to Mourn, which many of my
friends like. also.I hope others will respond
to you, too. BTW, the name of Jonathan's
wife. is Joy. I call my friends on this site,
The Grief Warriors (TGW). I know that
some of them will reach out to you,
Bernadine. Lou

 

George, it's wonderful to see you welcome
Bernadine, as we were welcomed, to
GIC. I'm flattered & honored when my friends here use The Grief Warriors ( TGW)
to describe us. It came to me one day, when
I was talking with veterans, about their
PTSD. I told them I had PTSD, too, seeing
Linda die suddenly in front of me. It took
6 months of sobbing in the grief therapist's
office. to get through that horrible loop
of seeing Linda's collapse, and being
helpless to "save" her. That's why
Jonathan's book hit me to the core, bc he
went through the same, with his wife
Joy. Thanks for making me chuckle, when
you call me The Shack Man. I laughed
when you said I " beat you to it". That's
what I say about Deb. But, we beat her to
it, today! Lou

 

Bernadine,

Words seem so inadequate, but since they're all I have, I want you to know how very sorry I am for your loss. My husband, Bob, died in April. He had many chronic health conditions, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018 that I had to become his full time caregiver. Normally I would probably write you a "book," there is so much I want to say to you, but I'm way past emotionally and physically exhausted from grieving. So, I'm going to keep this short. Although I didn't know it at the time, I think I went through anticipatory grieving too. People who haven't experienced this kind of total heartbreak told me that it should be easier for me because I had so much time to prepare for Bob's death. All of these people meant well but are totally clueless!!! There is nothing in the world that can possibly prepare anyone for the intense pain, no matter how long they've known death was inevitable, when the one true love of your life dies, your "person," your everything... passes away.

Ken's death is so recent. As you said, there is no "right" way to mourn. Even though you're seemingly "glued" together on the outside, doesn't mean that you're not hurting just as much as someone who outwardly is expressing their grief. It doesn't matter what others think!!! You need to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself the very best you possibly can, during the most horrific time in your entire life. If there are people who make you uncomfortable because they think you should be hysterically crying, stay away from them!!! To repeat, these people are totally clueless!!!, unable to support you in the way you need to be supported.

I'm glad you're here, but so sorry you have to be. This is a wonderful site... I don't know how I would get through this if it wasn't for the friends I've made here. You've already met two of my good friends, Lou and George. I don't remember which one of them said this, but Lou came up with a name for our group. We call ourselves The Grief Warrriors, TGW for short. We take care of each other the best we possibly can and are always here for each other. I hope you'll stick around, join our group, and give us the opportunity to get to "know" you better too.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I got logged out mid reply so if this looks familiar....

Thank you, Deb. This means so much. You all have been so kind, I didn't know if I would find a place where I fit.
Anticipatory grief hit me hard a few times. Almost every time his ability to do something shifted there was a loss. My grief isn't less, I've just had a little more practice sitting with it maybe. I already had kleenex in every room. The idea of it being easier because you knew it was coming is certainly not true because He's gone Now and I have to live The Rest of my Life Without Him Now and that's new. Those caps are for the outside world, it's what I would most want to say to the ones looking in from outside my life.~B

 

Hi Bernadine this is the best support group I’ve ever known. I’m very sorry for your recent loss of Kenn. My name is Gary. I lost my girlfriend Cheryl of nine years suddenly and unexpectedly in May this year to a cardiac arrest. We had a nice meal the night before and watched tv. Cheryl had no health issues and there were no warning signs. Obstructive sleep apnea caused Cheryl to suffocate in her sleep. Shock and confusion don’t even begin to explain how I feel. The last nine years were the happiest we both had ever been. We were soulmates. I found a local grief support group that meets the second and fourth Tuesday every month. But It was very difficult going two weeks without a support meeting. I found GIC the first of October. They have been life savers. Lou has taught us so many different resources to use to combat grief. The books he recommended to you are great. He told us of the site “centers for loss and life transitions.” There is a lot of great information to guide us through our grief journey. I recommend “six needs of reconciliation for the mourner.” It is a short article that will jump start you in this horrible journey. I’m glad you have a garden to tend. Being around nature heals us. The best advice I received was not to make any sudden changes. Like sell your house or make unnecessary purchases. I had to make sure my foot was on the brake every time I put the car in gear because I didn’t know if I put it forward or reverse. I thought I was going crazy. If you’re going through anything like this it is normal. This is the hardest thing we are ever going to do. But we are not alone. I hope you stay with. Gary

 

George, are you moving by choice?

 

Hi Gary, nice to meet you all and to be welcomed so warmly.

 

Thank you for sharing these resources.
When I am ready I will keep them in mind. There’s a lot of stuff out there, nice to have personal reviews.

 

I need to make a fresh start into a new life, there are too many bittersweet memories here, and the property taxes are outrageous and I can't afford them.

 

A very busy day yesterday. Did a lot of grown-up shit like bank and pay moving in costs at the new Aparatamant. Then I had dialysis on Monday cuz a the holly-day. Was exhausted so here I am catching up on messages. Hope I can respond but I feel so blank and frozen inside. I think this is a coping strategy, it just sucks. It gives me writers Block and I have so much I want to say but can't always express it. I love the way some can write "books". Maybe if I knew how to type for real! It is getting on one year now when Valerie started the dying. Reading the Thomas Wolfe seems to help. His prose poetry is so universal and speaks to me of grief, hope, and redemption. Want to go to my grief group today! I want to be on line more today... we shall see!

 

Yes it is... Christmas was like Mothers Day for her. I rally do not want to get into the holidays this year. That probably sounds bad but I just don't care much. This is the last week in my house of 17 years! That's where my head is at I guess. Take care and talk to you soon!

 

Gary. your warm welcome and heartfelt
suggestionsto Bernadine were excellent.
Thank you, as usual for giving me credit.
It was my kind psychiatric nurse practioner/ grief therapist, who suggested
the 2 books and Grief in Common. I didn't
join until the end of July. I was depressed
one day, when none of my friends were
available.When they were available. I
didn't want to burden them with my
mourning for Linda, a woman they didn't
even know. Thank God I listened to my
therapist's advice. She is the same person
who suggested I stop drinking, bc I was
getting MORE depressed. The first people
I met here, were Patti and Karen. Later,
Deb became a vital part of my life. We check on each other morning and night.
Even though she currently lives in
South Carolina, and I live Massachusetts,
Deb had lived in my state, her "old home"
wit her husband, Bob, and their children.
We share the same sense of humor and
make each other laugh. I'm grateful to
have you and George as my "brothers".
As I told George, I'm the oldest, you're the
middle brother. and George is the youngest. It is good to have fellow widowers. Others have dropped out, but we are staying with GIC. We are The
Grief Warriors, who will welcome any
new widowers, like Heartbroken Artist.
I am thrilled to have Stacey, who is younger than we are, but has so much to
teach us. Her spirituality and unwavering
belief in God, and in the kindness of
people like us, shines through her many
montages of music, dance, and inspiring
movie speeches. Lou

 

George, you sound just like my very young,
ex Army buddy, N. You know what YOUR
priorities are right now: to move out of
that house which makes you depressed,
and start fresh in a new life somewhere
else. You will still mourn and miss
Valerie every day, like I miss Linda, but
your grief will be less intense over time.
"Backing up a bit", as our good friend, Deb,
says: My friend, N., has the first priority
to move out of the home of his parents.
He has worked long hours to get the pay to
make this happen. I'm proud of him. We
confide in each other. Despite our wide
age difference, we connect, bc we both had
PTSD. I never had a son, so I half jokingly
say, " I'm proud of you, son", and we both
laugh. Lou

 

Thanks Shack Man! For the kind supportive words and story about your friend. Yes, my priority is on making this move. It is so strange without Valerie. I keep[ waiting for strife and conflict to happen but there is no real reason it should. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. fulfilling our dreams of the past 10 or more years by moving.