I Joined the "Dead Dads Club"

Hi there!

I am not sure whether this post fits here because my dad didn’t suddenly die as in day-of his accident/fall but two weeks and four days after. So it was sudden but again, I'm not sure if it still counts as sudden. Anyway.

My dad fell on a Thursday (April 23), he was intubated and in the ICU for five days (intubated for about 2-3 days). By May 3rd he was on hospice. And on May 10, shortly after midnight he passed. A day after Mother's Day and a day before my birthday. I'm glad he didn't die on my birthday. Still sucked but yeah. My birthday sucked this year. But my dad is only going to die the day before my birthday once. It'll never have to happen again.

I'm a transracial adoptee and I feel that adds another layer to the grief. It felt like my dad came into my life for a reason and left for no good reason. It was a freak accident.

It's hard to talk about grief because people want to be supportive but it doesn't always come out that way.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. I'm also autistic. I've struggled with SI (suicidal ideation) throughout my life on and off and it's usually existential; where I feel that I'm not meant for life, I'm not "supposed" to be here, I'm not "supposed" to exist, etc.

This is different though. It's not that I want to die but I don't want to live in a world without my dad.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?