I hate it

I hate that you left me
I hate how I miss you
I hate all the stupid comments
I hate being alone with this
I hate you for not loving yourself enough
I hate that I can't hold you
I hate all the happy people
I hate your clothes shoes letters and stuff left in piles
I hate your dog that looks at me looking for answers
I hate how I can't make it right

 

Your words sum up how I feel. It has only been 3 weeks and the feelings are raw and constantly present.

 

It has just been over a month since I lost my wife and best friend of 27 years. I agree with all you say, except the happy people. For some reason, I have found seeing others smiling actually helps me in some way. I don't really know why. I guess I have had so much negative in my life the last few years (she ran herself down, and my dad has been an issue) that the silver lining of not having to worry about her anymore has given my brain a little room to see happiness. IDK. I'm starting to ramble. Only my 2nd post here.

 

I look forward to the day when i can feel the good feelings. Just not there yet. It was all so sudden. Everyone has gone back to their regular lives and I feel like I am trudging through mine. Everything feels lonely and mundane. I have faith it is not going to stay that way but the reality is that it is for now. I am finding tasks to keep busy and reaching out to friends and family. I truly believe time will heal this. This is my second post here. I am finding it hard to connect on this site b

 

I know. I am trudging (great word, btw) too. When I am not "keeping busy", I feel like a zombie just moping around our house. Do you have kids that are sharing the pain? We never had any. Just 3 cats to kinda keep me company. As far as other people, I have never been very social, so I had a little reach out the first week or so, but now it's just my mom pretty much. On a good note, the house and yard are slowly getting picked up as I too try to find stuff to do. I discovered the fence post that holds the latch for the gate is rotted, so I get to try and fix that today. Yay!

 

My loss was very sudden so everyone rallied around to shield me from everything, but then they go home and reality sets it. I was blessed to have a husband who did a lot for me. Now that he has passed i have big shoes to fill. The mundane chores of life seem overwhelming at times. Laundry, dinners, and getting my 14 yr old up and off to school are big deals for me now. I have 3 children, not biologically his, who are grieving as well. 26 yr old daughter, 26 yr old son and 14 yr old son. The youngest is the hardest hit since he witnessed the tragic event .

 

Cynde1966 and Jeff, every single thing you both mention and are struggling with are very normal feelings. Losing our one and only is catastrophic, they are a part of us and now they’re not here to support, love, care, do things with etc. but remember they’re a part of us. They helped make us into the person we are today, they’re with us, but different. My loss was very sudden and unexpected. My husband of 41 years, also business partner, best friend passed over 2 1/2 years ago. We had a weekend full of chores and errands, everyday life but now as I remember it. it was so special. Because weekends like that won’t happen again. We bought everything for Thanksgiving dinner including a 20lb turkey. Ron always wanted the biggest turkey we could find. But he passed the Saturday before Thanksgiving. He went from relaxing and watching tv to not feeling well to telling me it was his heart, 2 hours later I lost the love of my life. Life has been difficult but I’ve learned I’m stronger then I realized. Everything I do I do to honor him and I hope to still make him proud I’m his wife. Staying busy is very helpful, but don’t over do it. My son, before he left to go back home to Florida made me promise I’d get outside and get fresh air every day. That advice was the best advice I had gotten. To this day I make sure I get fresh air. Sometimes it was just being in my back yard. My daughter and I made a memorial garden in his honor. I’m out there as often as possible. Your losses are both very recent, your lives have changed and it’s a very lonely dark place. But keep moving and talking and sharing your stories and thoughts with friends and family. I didn’t join this site until it was almost a year since Ron passed. I was not doing well, I struggled with every day things. My daughter moved back in with me for months and we supported each other. But this site has been so helpful to me. Once I got the hang of the site and people were responding I felt how wonderful to have people who know what I’m feeling. I personally can’t say time heals but it has made me stronger. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. There’s no right or wrong, but I know that sharing your feelings and stories is helpful. Eventually pictures, their favorite food, music or movie won’t make you cry. Things change ever so slowly, you won’t even realize you’re doing some better. It just happens. Please accept any and all help offered. Sit and have coffee with a friend or relative. Encourage them to share a memory. Most people think if they mention their name they’re reminding us. That’s so far from the truth. We need to talk about them and have them remembered. I don’t know if I said anything to help either of you but I hope I did. Remember your spouses are in your heart to stay. This is a very long journey with many ups and downs along the way. Sleep comes hard and eating is difficult, our lives have been turned upside down and nothing prepares us for this. But know that there is a whole community of people on this site that understand your pain and we’re all here to help each other. Eventually there will be better days ahead.
God bless you both. Robin.

 

Thank you for your reply. There is a lot of wisdom in your words. The loss is overwhelming right now. I have to function for my son. I am honest about my teats and dont try to hide them. I am still reeling from the quickness of it all. He was gone so fast and i was left to figure it out. I am realizing how many things he did for me that i didnt think about before. Those moments leave me feeling sad. I really hope he knew how much i appreciated him

 

Awe, I say that too. I hope he knew how much I appreciated all he did. And I hope he knows how much he’s missed. And yes, it’s all so very overwhelming. I totally understand that you need to function for your son, and share how much his Dad is missed. Letting him see you cry just validates it ok to show emotions and talk about them. It’s very cathartic to let the tears fall. He’s grieving too, in his own way.
I know a lot of things start piling up and it’s one thing after another. And all you want to do is run from everything. What I found helped me was to write those things down. Make a list, then your brain can rest from trying to remember everything. I recently lost two more people in my life, my cousins wife and my sister in laws Mom. And those losses brought so much emotion and tears, everything came rushing back like I just had my loss. My daughter kept saying she knows how her kids are feeling and that it’s a horrible feeling.
I can say I’m sure your husband knew how much you appreciated him.

 

Thank you for your reply. I like lists they help me to stay focused. I am struggling today. Lots of memories good and not so great. Lots of tears today. I just let them flow. Tomorrow is another day.

 

Robin, it's been quite a while since I
replied to you. I had trouble technically
in the beginning, and became impatient,
and almost gave up. I reached out to
Karyn Arnold, who helped me get on the
"thread". My late wife, Linda, was much
more savvy about the Internet. I have
been "talking" with Deb every day. Some
of the others stopped writing, for now. I
did welcome 3 new widowers recently:
Jeff. Craig, & Erick. Before them, I emailed
with Ron. I read your wise & kind words
to Cvnde1966 and to Jeff, and I wanted to
say thank you, and to say how sorry I am
about Ron's death. It's been 2 years and
9 months since Linda died, suddenly, in
front of me. After enduring PTSD, I'm
able to walk outside and see friends. But,
I still cry almost every morning before I
go out. We were married 25 years, and
were together 24/7, no children. Grief in
Common has been very comforting, and I
hope I can help others. Nice to "talk" with
you again, Robin. My user name was Van
Gogh, but you can call me Lou.

 

Cynde, I am so sorry about the sudden,
very recent death of your soulmate and
husband. You are very brave to get on
Grief in Common and share your raw and
honest emotions. I also feel very bad about
your young son. As I told Robin, my wife,
Linda, died suddenly, in front of me, and I
endured PTSD. That was right before
Thanksgiving, 2018. We were married &
inseparable for 25 years, no children. I didn't join this site until this year, but I'm
glad I did. I still cry most mornings before
I walk outside, but I get better as the day
goes on, especially if it's sunny. I'm
holding on to these early fall days as long
as I can. Good to meet you, Cynde, in
spite of the shared horrible circumstances.
Lou

 

Lou. Thank you for your reply. Your kinds words are comforting. My days start off better than they end. I am able to keep busy with work and lifes chores. For me the hard time is the night when life slows down and the world is dark. Thats when i struggle. I miss the alone time with him and our room seems extra lonely i have never been good at being alone

 

Cynde.thank you do much for replying to
me this morning. It means a lot to me. My
friend, Deb, ( Deb 321) and I check on
each other every morning and every
night , when we are at our loneliest and
saddest, like you. If I may ask, what was
your husband's name? I find it easier to
say the name of my wife, Linda, than to
say "my wife". Everyone grieves in a
different way, so I certainly don't want
to push. I live on the Massachusetts
coast. I'm grateful that Linda & I were
able to travel across the country and
do getaways in New England, including
your beautiful state. For 6 months after
the shock of Linda's death, I couldn't
talk about these happy memories without
weeping. I also couldn't listen to songs we
liked, or movie, or TV series we watched
together. I slowly started to listen to
music that predated Linda, like CCR
( Creedence Clearwater Revival) . You
can write to me anytime. I try to keep
to an early to bed, early to rise schedule,
to help me with sleep. But, if I have a
bad night of dreams, or wake up too
early, I sometimes have to take a nap.
I know you may not be able to do that.
Look forward to hearing from you. We
can help each other. Lou

 

Lou, it’s great to hear from you and hear you’re making some progress in getting outside for fresh air and spending time with friends. Those two things alone help a lot. Nothing in my life today is the same as before Ron’s passing. We were together 24/7 too, like you and Linda. We ran our business together, which I had to close. I miss working with him, life was so special and easy then. Now it’s all on me to maintain our home and property. My septic tank collapsed last Christmas, I cried a river over that. Very costly and who do I call. Thankfully my brother stepped up and made the calls for me. Going to bed each night and getting up every morning, are the hardest parts of the day. But Ron stays in my life and keeps me going and I know what he would be saying to me. He guides me.
I’m not sure where I’d be today without griefincommon, I give this site credit. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to share thoughts and struggles with people that understand and don’t judge. Helping and reaching out to people here is very cathartic for me and hopefully I’m able to help even one person in some way. There was a time I was on here almost all day needing support, then offering support to new members, it became overwhelming trying to help so many. but I’m on here a couple times each day instead of all day and I try to balance out my time. If I’m down someone on here always has something kind to say. Lou, I lost Ron 2 yrs and 10 months ago, similar time frame as your loss. Many people stop visiting this site after a while but trying to help people through such a rough time that I 100% understand, helps me get through each day. The pain we each feel is so real and debilitating and our family and friends try to support us but most just don’t understand because they haven’t experienced such a loss. So here we are, all becoming friends to each other, because of a tragedy. I’ve made life long friends through this site.
Lou, keep pushing forward, Linda is in your heart just like Ron is in mind. Forever! Hoping each day is a better day, for all of us!

 

My husband's name is Ryan. Its easier to say their name that another label. Its nice that you have so many fond memories with Linda. Good times traveling. I had Ryan for such a short time just shy of 4 years certainly not enough time i do have good memories of that time though

 

Thank you so much for saying Ryan's
name. I think that's one small step in
dealing with grief. I've learned that
grief, specifically for a soulmate, doesn't
matter if it's newlyweds, or long
married couples, with or without
children. This site is wonderful, bc there
is always someone on it, when we are at
our most down. As Robin just told me.
some people drop out, for different
reasons, but new members, like you,
take their place. Lou

 

Robin, thank you so much for answering
me this am. You write so well, and in such
detail, that your writings are a pleasure yo read. As I told my friend, Deb, the longer
the better! When Linda died, I kept a
journal. I still keep a smaller one, for
talking points for my Mon am phone
grief therapy sessions. They encompass
my daily dealings with people, bc I can
be hypersensitive, and stressed out,
especially with doctor visits, bc Linda
always went with me. Your septic tank
story was awful, especially while coping
with mourning for Ron. He would be
proud of you, just as Linda would be
proud of me. Lou