i feel invalid

I have always and will always love caring for children, I care and invest in them as if they are my own because I do not know how to be any other way. My student passed suddenly from a drowning last summer, two weeks before her second birthday. I spent 50 hours a week with her. I was her safe person at school. I was who she ran to when she was scared, when she was happy, when she was proud. She was so smart, talking and understanding things beyond her years. And I loved her so very much. And it feels like my world has fallen apart. Its been 8 months and I had to leave school after 4 years and all those children because I couldn’t emotionally regulate to care for them properly. I can’t leave the house, I can barely talk to my partner or friends, I can’t leave the house to attend therapy, I can’t get another job, and I feel pathetic because her own parents are pushing on. And I know its a nightmare for them, we keep in contact as they know how big of a part in her life I was, but I feel horrible knowing I’m incapable of adapting to this when they’re being literal superheroes every single day. And I know a lot of this grief is bringing up suppressed grief of my father suddenly passing after seeing him perfectly healthy the week before when I was 20. But I felt that I had started to accept that, just before the loss of my sweet girl. So I do not understand why I’m so broken and I don’t believe I deserve to be. I don’t know why everyone else in this world can keep going and adapting and my nervous system has completely crashed. I’m so scared to trust and love and care again because everyone just gets ripped away from me.