I don't know what to do anymore

I'm going to start off with a little backstory. I've always kinda been an outcast kid who had trouble making friends. We met in preschool and became fast friends. Although, he was my best friend, he had plenty of others to pick from. As we got older things happened and we grew apart. When high school hit, I became severely depressed and suicidal. By chance he was the only person to respond to me one day and suddenly I was pouring my heart out to him. He talked me out of killing myself more than once. I hadn't told him, but I had a crush on him since I met him. I tried to confess to him one year but people got in the way and it didn't happen. We both continued on with our lives, not talking much. Then in 2022 I was going through a rough patch with my boyfriend. I found the old chat and I finally told him that I liked him. He didn't like me back, which is to be expected. Because of the embarrassment around the whole situation I told myself to distance from him for the time being, and try to be friends again next time I saw him. I knew this probably wouldn't be until 2024 at our 5 year reunion, but that was fine. Friday, July 14th, 2023. I didn't have to be to work until later, so I was sleeping in. I woke up to my phone ringing, it was my mom. I could tell she'd been crying so I was worried that it had something to do with one of my grandparents. Then she told me he was dead. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't think. Couldn't move. Couldn't speak. This man meant the world to me, he'd saved me, he was only a few months older than me. What do you mean he's dead? For months after that day I kept googling his name to see updates about the plane crash. It hurt each time I saw his face with a death date. It's been two and a half years since he passed. His family acts fine. His friends seem fine. Why am I the only one who's not fine? I wasn't even close to him. When I want to tell people about him I just say he was a close friend. It's not worth elaborating. No one seems to get why he meant so much to me. Even my own sister has told me I need to move on. I feel terrible because my husband and therapist are the only people that don't judge me for talking about him. I can barely talk to my husband about him because how am I supposed to look him in the face and say "I am upset because I miss the man I love that never loved me back. I miss the man who was my first love, that I thought was my soul mate, that I was practically obsessed with for almost 20 years. I am mourning the one man that I ever would have chosen over you. " I'm just at a loss these days. Everyone says that it gets easier with time, but it hasn't. When he first died, I cried every day for probably a week. I was rather composed at the funeral honestly. I was doing okay enough. Then his birthday came. I might've been able to forget it but my sisters birthday is two days before. My heart was breaking all day thinking how he'd never see 23. Then I was fine again. Until Halloween when his mom posted a bunch of pictures and said how much he loved the holiday. It kept happening. I was fine for a while, then there was a reminder. The hardest one was my 23rd birthday. It may sound stupid, selfish even, but the day that I was older than he'd ever be broke me. From there it was similar to the last year. Each reminder of him being gone feeling like a stab to the chest. Sometimes during the good days I'd find myself convinced that he was fine, living in Florida, finishing up his degree, just living life. Then reality would hit and it'd all come crashing down. I believe it was around the beginning of 2025 when he started being on my mind more often. It didn't really upset me, but it didn't make things easier either. It started off with him just coming to mind with little things that happened. I'd have a small memory about him or something. As time went on, the thought got more persistent. Now it wasn't just happy memories of him, but daydreams about him still being here and us being friends. It seemed like the harder I tried to stop the thoughts, the stronger they came on. Eventually it got to the point where my brain was going through "What if" scenarios. Thinking back to each day, each decision, that could've changed our relationship or saved his life. There are days I'm convinced that if I'd died in high school, he'd still be alive today. I know it's stupid. Nothing I could have done would have saved him. It just hurts. He wasn't supposed to die first. I wasn't supposed to outlive him. He was happy, full of life, doing everything in his power to live to the fullest, helping people, doing things right. He didn't deserve to die. Definitely not so young. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's constantly on my mind in some way. The worst part is every love story is about him. I'm just ready for time to make it easier because all time has done so far is make me regret and question every single decision I've ever made about him.