I don't know how to grieve alone

I don't know how to share my story. It doesn't make sense to most people. Maybe someone out there will understand.

About 17 or 18 years ago I met a someone through a dating site. He was the most wonderful human being you could ever know. I say human being and not "man" because his gender didn't matter for our relationship and what it turned out to be. Love is love. I have learned if you connect with someone, really connect and believe in who they are, when they are gone from this life it doesn't matter whether they were a spouse, friend, or what the label you put on the relationship. He was the better half of my soul. He fought for my happiness every single day we knew each other. Even when we didn't talk, and we did talk almost every day except when I disappointed him and he would give up on me for awhile. But he always let me back in, no matter how self-destructive I was. He understood who I was better than I do. And now he's gone. He drank. He drank heavily for 3 years. But he was the guy who always took care of everyone, always knew what their demons were, even knew his own demons. He knew he shouldn't have started drinking. He said it all the time. He always believed that he had it under control and would quit when the time was right. I believed him. He was cutting down and he thought his symptoms were a combination of withdrawal and a damaged liver. Now, in hindsight, I believe all of his symptoms were from liver failure. He drank too much for too long. The guy who always had his financial life well in hand, who always gave anyone he cared about his full attention and his reasonable advice, who was ALWAYS there for those he cared about, my best friend, my only friend, is gone. I never had a chance to say goodbye. I don't understand how he could be so good at caring for other people, showing them they are loved and cared for, and not see his own demise coming.

I have no one to help me through this grief. (My mother, whom I used to take care of and knew my friend a little bit, is now in nursing home care with dementia.) She has no idea my friend passed away almost two weeks ago now. I miss him so much. He was a much better person than I have ever been. I keep thinking it should have been me. He would talk me out of this thinking, but he is not here anymore and why should I believe him anyway? He destroyed himself. Why shouldn't I destroy myself? He was the only reason I gave damn about trying at all. I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss his voice, his eyes, his humor, his ability to know what I was thinking or about to say even though at the time it annoyed me. He knew how to love others. I wish I had known how to love him back. I wish I could share my stories of him and who he was with somebody else that knew him.

The firefly in my profile picture is for him. He had a dream, of having all of the people he cared about, together in one space, the same property. Maybe different houses, but all on the same property. There would be movie night where all came together and agreed on a movie to watch. There would be a fireplace with a crackling fire. And food cooked over that fireplace. There would be fireflies outside at dusk to maybe catch, but to always set free. Most of all, there would be love. Not fake love, where people only care when it's convenient. But real love, where everyone pulls together, and works together through hard times. His dream of pack and peace. It is no more. He is gone. Nothing makes sense.

 

It is a beautiful story. Even if no ones has the same experience we understand about your grief. I grieve alone also. Everyone has moved on but me. Your partners dream is beautiful also. Sounds like when they tell you to think of your favorite calm space before they take your BP.

 

Thank you. Nothing is beautiful, though. He wasn't may partner. He was just my friend. We dated years ago, but I messed everything up. He just made sure we stayed friends. I miss him like he was my partner, though. I don't know how anyone can deal with the grief of losing a spouse. This is so hard. I lost my dad in 2011 and I was very sad, but I was able to move on. My mom's dementia got really bad this year around September. She now needs round the clock care and The she is not the same person. I feel like I have lost her as well and I am sad. But my friend passing away? It is is unbearable. He was the only person I ever felt bonded too. I don't know how to get over this. Every day it gets worse. The other issues in my life that I had difficulty dealing with don't even matter anymore. If my mom's mind was still right, I at least could talk to her about this. But I can't talk to her. The dementia makes her sad and she cries all the time. If she knew of my friend passing away, it would just make things so much worse for her. She already acts like a child when it comes to most things these days. She doesn't need sad news.

 

Lost my mom 9 days before my husband and she was dealing with dementia for yrs. as she went down. But I could call or go over and talk with her. I miss her too but my grief seems to be consumed by my husband. I don't how many times I wanted to call and talk to her about this. I do remember a lot of good thoughts about her but I have to say not so much about my husband. I will figure it out. Maybe better thoughts will come but I really don't have many of them. Not special ones just ordinary ones.

 

I am so sorry you don't have many good thoughts about your husband. I am also so sorry that in my own grief I didn't realize that there was one thing I did have that maybe someone who lost a spouse did not have-someone who cared about my heart and doing what was right. I assume that if someone is married that it is a good, healthy relationship. That isn't always the case. I know you and I have at least one thing in common. We want answers. I always believed that my friend and I met for a reason. I was waiting for that reason to pan out. It never did, because now he is gone. So I am left asking myself why. I really do believe that it should have been me instead of him. I am not a great person. I tend to get caught up in my own negativity and needs, and forget that others suffer too. I am so sorry for your loss and the anger and other raw emotions you must feel. Lift is so often unfair.

 

I can SO relate to what you went through and I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you've been able to handle it better as more time has gone by. I still carry much of mine. Each loss seems to compound on the others. I'm glad to have found this site. I hope it's been helpful for you.