I cannot scream and I´m drowning

The reality for me is that I live with my dad, who is 79 years old and he suffers depression as well for money, my mon, etc. So crying when I need to, and obviusly screaming it´s out of the table. I dont have time where I a completly alone to let all my emotions out freely so I just drown myself inside till I get tired, I fall sleep, or I manage to shut myself up to continuing doing with the day.

 

Fernanda,

Dealing with so much in life as a caretaker is so all encompassing. Not being able to find any relief of any kind in this time of isolation, support systems removed from us, this makes it so hard to overcome what you are facing.

If your dad is facing depression could call the hospital and talk with a nurse or doctor. Tell them of your situation and how you feel your dad needs help, and why. Also keeping all these emotions bottled up inside is not healthy to you as well. Let those at the hospital know that as well.

It sounds like you are so darn frustrated with life right now and just have no idea what to do or even how to go about and help yourself. That is the time you have to reach for the phone and tell the hospital your situation. Their professional guidance should help you. Doing nothing will not. So reach out and seek that help you so desperately need.

Peace be with.


-david

 

oh my god! thank SO much for answer my post, and I really don´t wanna sound like a negattive persone, but I live in Venezuela and the healthcare system is ... it is just inexistent... you´ll think I´m been exagerate here but I´m not, there is not even cotton in the hospitals, and for me it´s imposible to reach private help because I cannot afford that. Thanks to this website, I downloaded the book "Healing after loss, daily meditations for working" and I try my best to workout regularly y be calm and focus, but like you said most time, when I get in my head I just have no idea of what to do and to get out of this hole
thanks again if your read me and hope you´d be safe

 

Fernanda,

Sorry things are so harsh for you. Please never give in to despair as it can lead to depression.

At least by being able to talk to others helps you release that hurt inside you. It is not easy to face hardship, and it never will be. Yes, talking is free. It ok to discuss how you feel. Be as open as your heart will allow.

You take care of yourself and just know, this board allows you to talk with others. We all have seen life from so many paths in life. If someone does not talk to your issues well, others might step up and do so. You just need time to open up, and of course be safe for your own well-being.

Take care of yourself. Never give in despair - that can lead to depression. Peace be with you.

-david

 

Thank you, so so much!! I´m working, I don't know if I´m DOING IT RIGHT BUT AT least I feel I´m doing something to keep breathing, but I miss her so much, I can't remember her voice that well and I´m afraid of so many things I just need to remember her voice. I guess I will search some recordings of her ...
I feel safe writing here when I feel overwhelmed, thank you!
I hope you are safe and sound!!

 

Fernanda,

I hope you are feeling better today. Your mother will always be with you - in your heart, in your mind, in your soul, words, and everything you do. It is never easy to be without the one who brought you into this world.

Keep talking as you can. The more you can eventually the better you will feel over time. Of course it is never easy to have to face loss, but life can be so unfair.

Take care of yourself. Peace be with you.

-david

 

Their voices...I hope you can find a recording. If not, stop and take a deep breath. Listen for her in your mind. My Mom sang gospel hymns..they immediately run through my mind when I want to cry..it helps. And, I like this save space to write often.

 

Fernanda,

As each day passes it will mark another day you have not let this sadness take control of your life. Never forget those memories you shared with her, they will be with you for a lifetime. I know when I think back to my Nadine, she always found a way to make us both feel better inside during sad times. All I need do is remember her as the girl who followed with such an open and giving heart.

Fernanda, you too can do that as well. She will be with you always. I too hope you are safe, this isolation and virus that scares all of us is hard to dismiss, but as long as we have others, like you to reach out to, our days can be so much better. Take care of yourself and be well.

-david

A melody for you today

 

Thank you for answer, there´s are two songs that I can remember her singing with her unique style, is not Opera but maybe you´ll like them, " LIMOSNA" de Natalia Lafourcade y "Bad Romance" de Lady Gaga xD. She also like very much Andrea Bocelli, I would like to know what songs liked your mom.

 

Your words always feel pretty warm so thank you, I´m sorry to burden you so much I know there are a lot of people in here that probably like and seek for your reply xD Thank you for the song, it´s one of my favorite bands, and that violins version is great, it did help me to calm

These days are much longer and I´m learning to let my emotions of grief be and not contain them, because I have a master's degree doing that ... I don't wanna be imprudent but I feel grateful for your wife, because the people that love us are the reason to be better, and if she would still be here I guess you´ll be equally helping other people with their life

 

Fernanda,

I wish I could have heard them sung by your mother. For your information, I love all music.

Limosna (En Vivo [Sala Telefónica del Centro Cultural Roberto Cantoral])



Lady Gaga - Bad Romance - Lyrics on screen

 

Thank you!!

 

Fernanda,

There is enough strife and hate in this world. Who I am today is because of God, my faith, my wife, my life experiences and it who I have become because of them.

I will never try to cause another harm if it can be helpful. Your feelings, your words are no burden, they enlighten me and make me feel better inside for reaching out to you and others.

When my wife passed I listened to music because it was my passion. My mother would sing to us all when we were just children. She brought music into my life and it now encapsulates me and is my passion. If I can share that with others I am that happier with life.

I created a channel on YouTube.com with just some of the music I collected as I was in such sorrow with the loss of my wife Nadine.

This is a bookmark to my music collection this far, and I add to it as I find a new melody. No subscription is necessary, all free to play.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkOiFVSICXoJFxZsKk4micA/playlists?view_as=new+visitor

This is who my wife was in life:
I posted this another thread, but I wanted you to see a video of my wife.

Please press the button under my wife's picture titled Play Tribute Movie
https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/auburn-me/nadine-hughes-6409908

I hope you enjoy it. Take care. Never stop caring and never stop believing.

-david

This song is for you

 

Right now I feel so humbled and honored for seeing those amazing pictures of your family. I adore the calm look she has or had (I´m struggling with that, if I should say was or is... and I wish it was language problems but it´s the same in Spanish xD) and like the song says I won´t stop believing, that´s a promise I made to myself when I was little when at some point I only wanted to take the expressway and be no more, and through others misadventures, I engrave this to my soul, that no matter what I wouldn't stop believing, believing in love, in life, little by little in faith, and even though I have big trouble believing in myself, I repeat that I will do so... hopefully I manage to do it much sooner than later.
Thank you for sharing such a priceless part of your life, I now feel that if someday, by coincidence or cause I happen to stumble with one of your sons, your sisters in law or even you, maybe I wouldn't recognize you, but my subconscious will and I will smile from my heart.

It is obvious how much love surrounded ms. Nadine and more love she has for her family. I hope you and your boys stay safe and healthy

 

Fernanda,

Thank you for the very nice comment. Each time I watch the video so memories are brought back in my life. I am so happy you never acted upon your loneliness and despair and are still here with us today. The world is a better place for you being in it.

Like anything faith is built on baby steps. It does not matter when it happens, all that matters is that it does.

The world is a very small place indeed. When I was standing in a PX (military shopping store) one day in Vietnam I met one of my high school HI-Y buddies looking back at me over the shelf. It was a great feeling, all the way on the other side of the world, in a warzone, and seeing someone I knew. We talked, exchanged unit information, and left to tell each other to stay safe.

Life is so unpredictable. None of us know what will unfold for each of us. I just know life is not yet written and so make it what you wish it, if at all possible.

You keep the faith, keep on doing what your heart will allow and I too hope you will have a wonderful, loving life.

-david

Here is one more song for you from Lord of the Rings