I blame myself with all the “If only I….”

On Sept. 14, I lost my husband. He went outside to put some plants that we just purchased into the garden.
I was not feeling well, so I stayed inside. I felt better and began to wonder where David was: I didn’t see him in the yard, nor at the neighbors…the shed doors were closed but our dogs were lying near the shed. I had to force my way into the shed…there he laid, unresponsive, staring at nothing. I started CPR but quit long enough to get the phone. He was a DNR, but I didn’t tell the nurses as they tried to revive him. He was only 68.
One of my sons, who hates me, called the police, and David’s family telling them that I poisoned David. I was locked up for two days. We couldn’t have a viewing of David because he was taken to a crime lab. He HAD to be cremated. Today, I am still waiting for a death certificate that has a cause of death stated rather than the ones I have that say “pending investigation “.
I can’t forget how David looked when I found him.
I can’t forgive myself for not going to check on him EARLIER.
I can’t leave my house without having a panic attack. I hate waking in the mornings because the pain I feel in my chest is so very real. I’m isolating myself because I can’t trust anyone. We moved to a rural area to “hide” from my son, today, I am terrified he will come here to kill me.
I’m beginning to think the only solution I have is to end it. I am so tired of living this nightmare.