I am an almost 40 year old orphan,a newbie to this site, orphaned since 2017. Avoidance grief??

Discussion in 'Loss of Both Parents' started by Lost ladybug, Aug 11, 2019.

  1. Lost ladybug

    Lost ladybug New Member

    Hi! I found this site today from searching online for something I didn’t know I was missing? My dad died in 2011 unexpectedly at age 56. Two days after he passed we were red zoned from our house due to major flood that took out half our town. I was with my
    Mom making funeral arrangements and my husband 2 hours away, was moving our belongings upstairs to try to save what he could.. we eventually ended up moving to the small town I grew up in due to flood. A few years later my mother wAs diagnosed with stage 4 inoperable cancer, which she passed from after a 2 year battle. I was her caregiver and was able to keep her in her home till the end, with the help of hospice. It’s been 2 years since she’s been gone and I still have to deal With my Parents home and all their stuff and I find I cannot even go to the town much less their house. I read about avoidance grief today. I am so depressed but have gotten so good at faking it, that no one really knows. I’ve been feeling myself get worse and know I should seek counsel, but lack of funds and time limit this. Looking here to see if anyone has had similar experiences and idk, maybe someone to chat with that understands.
  2. ClareDaisyRose

    ClareDaisyRose New Member

    Hey there Lost Ladybug

    I just wanted to reach out and say a hello. You have had a lot to deal with my dear. The great thing about sites like this is the affirmation that we are, none of us, alone in our human experience. Why is it not happening within our cultures though is my big question? Where have all the rituals gone and the sacred places to grieve and feel safe in? Instead we end up feeling isolated and abandoned and very lonely. I hear you sister.

    I lost my Dad in 2015, the following year my Granny, then a friend from University and most recently coming up for two years ago my dear Mum and best friend, all very suddenly especially my Mum. I too suffer with bouts of depression interspersed with moments of lightness and hope. I have a very difficult relationship with my brother and the extended family have pretty much vanished into thin air as have some friends. I find this the most shocking part of grief, as if losing a loved one isn't hard enough and then you have to go through the other stuff like extra abandonment and financial stuff like you are facing. I'm sorry to hear you are facing that. Just please believe in your own strength and courage. There is a little light there shining still inside you and that light will get bigger with time. I feel it in the centre of my chest. We can use our experiences to expand and grow beyond out imaginations I really do believe that.

    Have you heard of the book and website 'Second Firsts'? I really recommend Christine Rasmussen's work it's all about life re-entry and hope after death.
    I also recommend the Headspace meditation app - there is a whole section of meditations for grieving. I find meditation really helps me step back and observe rather than getting locked in and overwhelmed.

    The most important thing is to travel at your pace and allow yourself to dip in and out of what comes up. The feelings seem overwhelming but I actually find the avoidance of feeling them has more of an impact than just allowing them to be. I invite each emotion to come in, sit down and tell me about themself as if they were a real person. It's wonderful how they don't seem so scary when you do that. I have learnt a lot about loneliness through doing that. I believe they are all our inner friends here to help us.

    I hope you find these words encouraging. You are not alone even though it damn well feels like it!

    I'm sending you a big virtual hug

  3. CLA2020

    CLA2020 New Member

    Hi Lost Ladybug,

    I lost my mom to cancer when I was 13 and then my dad suddenly passed when I was 25. You’re in what I like to call the “administrative period” and I found you can’t even begin to think of grieving until you finish all of that house cleaning out and paperwork (including wills, lack of wills, debt, debt collectors, etc).
    I’m finally now getting into the really deep seeded grief that is so far down after decades of avoiding it, for numerous reasons. I think we all cope how we have to in order to get through life. I’m only now getting to the deep stuff after years of therapy just trying to learn how to cope in a somewhat healthy way.
    How are you doing today?