I am a wreck without my wife

So happy I made you REALLY laugh, Deb.
Linda & I used to go to see stand up
comedians. Our favorite did a hilarious
bit about some of the differences between
men & women. He said that one morning,
when he was just waking up, his girlfriend, in a chirpy voice, wanted to
know if he wanted to drive out of state to
look at pumpkins, which was the last thing
he wanted to do. When Kevin, the
comedian mimicked the high voice of
his persistent girlfriend, I lost it. When Linda & others saw me practically on the
floor, laughing, they roared! Linda & I
were able to meet him, & tell him how
much we enjoyed his performance. Sadly,
he got cancer, but still did his act. When
he was dying in the hospital, with his
girlfriend by his bedside, his fellow
comedians filed into the room to see
him. When he died, it was written that
he had a gleeful light in his eyes, and
kept everyone laughing. He was a comedian's comedian. Although Linda &
I were sad over his death, we were glad
that we were able to thank him for the
joy he brought to us. Perhaps my manic
depression , of highs and lows,
contributed to my sometimes odd, funny
take on life. Lou

 

Patti, I feel so bad that you're suffering in
pain, on top of your intense mourning
for Jack. My worst times were going to
the ER, or even doctor visits, without
Linda to accompany me, like she always
did. Both of us liked a kind NP. When
Linda died, I went into her small lab
room & just cried. She put her hand on
my shoulder, and that's all I needed. I told
her that Linda didn't care for doctors,
but liked & trusted her. Lou

 

Deb, just saw your post from a couple
days ago, about Gary, the singer/ guitarist,
who dedicated a song to Linda back in
August, and saw me again recently at
a spacious restaurant with windows
surrounding it. I'm having lunch there
today, listening to relaxing music as
I write this. It's called the Whale's Jaw
Cafe, and it's new. I choked up AGAIN
when you said you reached for a tissue.
We are certainly keeping. the Kleenex
company in business. It seems that it
never ends, but I pray for more laughter
than tears for both of us. Bob & Linda
would have wanted that for us. Lou

 

Gary, I'm smiling. I almost fell off my chair so relaxed reading the meditation today. Thank you. Walk through your fear in caution. Take Care, Karen

 

Hello. I'm Pejj or PJ. Seinfield was a great program. I will have to watch it. It will be good to laugh! The Cafe Whale's Jaw Sounds wonderful! My favorite place is called Emalitsa's. https://emilitsa.com/ A Greek Restaurant. This is not easy, is it? For me, it's a bit over a year. Tom died on September 28, 2020. I feel I am ok then am hit by feelings. I want to avoid hurt, but you can't. I am finding ways to move forward. I changed the house around, using bright colors and that has helped.

 

Hi! I am new, not sure of what to say. I am Pejj or PJ. It is nice to read these post. I like what has been said in this post. It feels important to get out in nature, and reach out to other people who will understand. Best wishes! Pejj

 

Nice to meet I'm George My wife died in February after a long illness and the people on here are great! Hope we can help!

 

That is wonderful to know, that there are wonderful people on here! I think this will help. Thomas died from Advance Pulmonary Fibrosis. His heart gave out. He had a valve put in in 2014. His heart gave out gave but I feel it gave him a better death truly. Your lungs turn to leather with advanced pulmonary fibrosis, and you can't take in oxygen. I was with him. Death___where loved ones go poof! And there you are. We had all these wonderful conversations. He was a wonderful person. I was very loved, and so was he for 22 years. Ummm___ I took up pen palling as it was something I did before. Penpalooza___I was reading Poets and Writers magazine, they had an article. Pen palling has helped me. Also, I am an artist and write a WordPress blog called Good Morning Sunshine. I have written several about grieving, this has helped. To be able to express feelings helps. Lately, it seems I am hit by some stronger feelings. So I thought I will reach out too. I spent the last year simply changing the house around. I got some of those free boxes from the post office, and began to put things "away". I was able to give some things such as his family photos, slides to his brother. That he can enjoy them, some paintings that were in their childhood home. Thomas was also an artist. There is so much of him here. I am using bright happy colors. changing the rooms around a bit. It really has helped. One of the first things was to buy a new sheet set and comforter. I needed something different than what we slept in. I finally stopped sleeping on "my side of the bed" T I changed the kitchen appliances to this retro look. Changes in the house give me something___a different imprint if you will. I have made it cozy in the living room, so I can simply sit and be present. I learned that for me to feel rested. I needed to rest and not worry about when I climbed out. Getting rest was hard for a while. I had fatigue. From when I get up to noon I write, have my coffee. Then from 12 to 8 I work by writing these days and working in the studio. The evenings and weekends are off. I struggle with procrastination at times. My goal is to simply be consistent. On days when there is this cloud over me, I find that if it is one or two things accomplished I have been successful, but it is typically more! As things avalanche. I had been in the caregiver role and did not realize what this meant fully. I felt I was simply being a loving wife by taking care of Tom. I was showing him how much I loved him. You don't realize its impact on you mentally and physically until your not doing it anymore because your loved one has died. There is all this time on your hands now. It's what we do with that time that is the point of focus all of a sudden. There are no instructions. So I took the year off just to feel my feelings, and make changes as I could. I can see how I have moved forward. It is important to keep your successes in mind so you don't feel stuck I think. A pen pal sent me the title of a book called The Untethered Soul by Michael A Singer. This book has helped. It talks about the voice that comes up in our heads. That voice works like the word association game. Where I would start with a word and you say the first thing that comes up in yours. Well, our minds work quickly to go there and we stack up all the pros and cons...and we are off to the races! I do not want to feel sad and down. The only thing we can do is change this voice and give it a name. It is called "thought." And we can change the subject so as "not to go there" with a thought or series of thoughts. It's clunky and not always successful for a while. This book helped gently change my thought patterns. I even change how I say things to change up how to think of them. Like when I cry about Thomas. I think these tears and my feelings are just showing me how much I love him and miss him. I read something else, and it was about "holding my sadness in my heart, where I can tenderly care for it. Take time out of the day to feel these feelings and then do other things to be present in your day. This got better. I was deciding when I could be sad. It's not that I am successful because I am hit by feelings. I think this will pass. And it will, then I go into taking the time to feel the feelings in my heart. I think reading and talking with others helps give us a way to frame our feelings. I want to get some of these cards Singer has quotes on to use them as reminders. Best wishes! Pejj

 

I sure get that about caregiver! It sure takes it out of you. When Valerie first got sick with a brain tumor in 2013 I wasn't ready to do much but I had a chance to make up for it big time in June 2019 when they told us she had LipoSarcoma. I wrote a lot of deep powerful (to me cuz no one else has seen it!) poetry and journal stuff about her dying and being a caregiver. My son moved back to be with me and we need to move so selling the house is our big scary projeckt. It needs doing... I know you are supposed to wait... oh well! I screwed up again! LOL. So I had a few months to mourn, then this house stuff... But I know in order to move forward into a new life I need to do this. I want to do right by my son. Today I am more successful sofar of not thinking of just sad stuff. I know Valerie wouldn't want me to be sad. It's so hard!

 

Lou,

I love this story!!! Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

I think you might be on to something when you said that
"Perhaps my manic
depression , of highs and lows,
contributed to my sometimes odd, funny
take on life."
While I can't even begin to imagine how much pain this illness has caused you, I like that you're able to put such a positive spin on it. I just lost my train of thought, so stopping here. This widow foggy brain thing has got to go, total understatement!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

For several months I felt such fatigue. Thomas worked for the Maine Turnpike. He had stopped smoking when we married. Working for the Turnpike did not help his lungs taking in all the exhaust fumes I am sure. They had discovered somewhat scarring in his lungs, I am not sure when this was. Then, we came to the point where we learned it was advanced pulmonary fibrosis, we learned there was a 3 to a 5-year window. Prior Thomas had heart surgery to put in a valve in his heart, we learned he had three, not four. So he would joke he felt good, but that he had this urge to go to the barn at three every day. (He had Elsie's valve he said. Elsie being a cow.)

I think it helps to cry, letting out hurt. Of course, it would be nice if I could control things, but alas! I can't control grieving Tom. I know that protecting myself from this pain would not be good. I thinking finding ways to talk about it is a good move.

I do have a lovely supportive daughter, Jacobie, and her family. She is a nurse. I have her second son with me, Alexander living with me. Alex has type 1 diabetes, so where I don't go out a lot he is here to keep him safe. It also gives me someone to care for and be here. It is a lot like Tom being here. Alex is a gamer at 15 and a homeschooler. We also have Merlock the cat to contend with. LOL. I am able to work in the studio or write. These things do help. I do have times where I just need to be present with myself.

Thomas was the love of my life. My first marriage was a nightmare. It took time to digest that. Thomas and I had so much love and laughter! He was in his early 40's. We met when I was going for my art degree. I was going for a Masters's in Art Therapy but stopped with my Bachelor of Fine Arts, concentration in printmaking and drawing. Thomas received the same degree. We graduated together. I was a caregiver to his folks, we moved after they died. This is the first home that has ever felt was truly mine. To stay here means I do need to bring an income in, something beyond the pension. I want it to be through art and writing. I write a blog, which is good practice with writing. I am thinking of going for an MFA in Writing. I have an instructional book I need to write, and a couple of children's book projects. Thomas was my support with everything I did. I developed an art form I call Shibui Found Image Art. As an original art form, I can sell my work. The creation of Shibui is also to be used as an art therapy tool. I was ready to launch things when I shit hit the fan, I did what I could to move things forward and to meet Thomas's needs. He had retired. We had planned he would also be in the studio. I had bought him a printing press so we could do printmaking together. I was ready to teach live. Have the equipment to do so, and just can't seem to move into it. I am listening to myself to just take this time and be present. I do work, although it's more writing at this time. Art does help, and so does writing. Having structure helps. But at times I feel weighted down. I don't like this feeling. SO I am reading things about mourning with a grain of salt, meaning I need to find something that works or fits me. I think I have here. Communicating is vital. Reaching out and not being the fixer for anyone else. I think thoughts like "Your 66 now! What do you want to do with the rest of your life? You did not die____" I am Grammy of course. I want more out of life. o finally help a lot of people with my art and writing. I need to figure out how to move forward. This seems to be something you learn to live with. And it sounds like it's a long-term thing. From what I read it seems shifts in the relationships we had with our partner go through changes too. It seems we need to make new friendships. And reach out to others. I know I don't want to fall into what feels like a trap of not living life well. I will try to post successful ideas. LOL Knowing your not a lone helps too.

 

Hi Deb, Karen, Lou, and others.
Thinking of you all and that today is a better day for everyone.
My nose feels like it has a clamp on it, dressing
is very tight ( my guess is ) to keep from bleeding.
Praying he got it all this time. Deb and Karen, Lou,
it felt so good to read your messages, thank you .
Karen, yes , I had to go by myself,I made
prearrangements to get there and back to my apartment .
Have gotten very little sleep, doing as I can when the pain
eases up to let me. Thankful this didn't occur while I was
taking care of Jack.
Sending love, hugs prayers, Blessings.
Patti

 

I am sorry you are hurting Patty. This is hard. Prayers and best wishes. Hugs too! Pejj

 

Thank you Pejj,I am so sorry the loss of your dear husband.
It was a blessing for me to find GIC two years after I lost Jack.
I'll be back posting more when I can. Hugs, blessings.Patti

 

Patti,

As always, it's so good to hear from you, but so sorry you're in so much pain... I hope you feel a bit better each day. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for you to have to go through a painful surgery all alone, at a time when you need comfort, support, and love the most. My heart hurts for you... Please know how much all of your friends at GIC care about and love you. You are in all of our prayers...

As I said to you earlier today, please take the best care of yourself you possibly can. All of us are with you in spirit...

Sending you lots of love and hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti, we all were with you on your surgery day, praying. I wish I was near to get you groceries and help with anything you need. Healing comes next, hold on Patti. Karen

 

PJ, welcome to our group. I've read both of your posts and appreciate your details. I lost my husband, Jack, Nov 4th 2020 close to your loss in Sept 2020. He died from sarcoma cancer started in his hip and spread to his neck, by that time they couldn't do anything to save him, so he came home with hospice died two weeks later. The last two weeks have stayed in my brain constantly, the caretaking, watching him decline, then pass.

What you said about decorating some things in your home I think is a positive move. Happy colors, changing furniture, etc. It's an expression of the "new" you or shall I say the "new" you to come. We all have to find a new identity. For me 1/2 of myself went with Jack and the 1/2 is trying to get through my days wondering if my 1/2 will have a purpose, it used to bother me, when I got no answers I just let it go hoping someday I will have a purpose.

Well, welcome to Grief in Common, my name is Karen

 

PJ, I just stumbled on your reply to my
good friend. George. I read a long post by
you to Karen. I am so sorry about the
death of your husband, Thomas. I see by
your "info" that you are a creative writer
& your husband was an artist. You will
definitely be a welcome addition to our
Grief in Common group. One of the first
people I met here, was Karen. Now, I
check in with Deb, George, Gary, and
others, every morning & every evening.
My user name was Van Gogh, who, as you
know, was a tortured soul. But, please
call me Lou. My wife, Linda, died
suddenly in front of me, from a pulmonary
embolism. That was right before
Thanksgiving, 2018. Linda would have
turned 71 today, a year younger than I
am. I think it's no coincidence that you
appeared on this site on Oct.13, my
wife's birthday, George's sad wedding
anniversary with Valerie, and the
terrible 6 month anniversary of the
death of Deb's husband, Bob. I see that you
live in Maine, PJ. Do you live near the
coast? I lived in Portland, in the 1970s. I
live on Cape Ann, the northern part of
Massachusetts. Lou

 

PeJi,

My husband, Bob, suffered from many chronic illnesses, the first diagnosed in 2005, the last about a year before his death. He died in April of this year. Although he suffered from so many chronic diseases, he was able to enjoy life, even after he had to stop working. We always had plans to retire to SC. When he had to stop working, we moved here. Almost as soon as we moved, in the beginning of 2018, his health began spiraling downwards. I became his full time caregiver. There's so much more I want to tell you, but I'm way too burnt out to make much sense. Grieving is such an emotionally and physically exhausting process, total understatement!!!

So for now, I just want you to know how glad I am you found us, but so sorry you had to. At first, I didn't think an online support group would help me, but I was so very wrong. This has become my safe place to come to, whenever I need to cry, "talk" about my feelings, or just "listen" to others stories. Every day, I'm grateful for the friends I've made here. I hope you will find this your safe place too.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I think this is also a learning curve as is living life. It has really helped to change the view of the house. I changed where Tom sat all the time, the kitchen appliances he used__where he would make omelets or use to the toaster oven, our bed___was one of the first things. I am painting old furniture...my daughter antiqued the coffee table at it looks really lovely with doilies on it and a candle. then I did my benches, and I have a stand to paint. Did a bookshelf. I bought these inexpensive Mandela duvet covers for the coach. Think that is what they are, under 20. They have a zipper and you can put a blanket inside I think. It is like a mixed message for the brain. I also simplified some things. Boxed some things up in small boxes from the post office. I did a bit or more depending on how I felt and it added up. I designated an area these could be put in like a closet just for these things. I reminded myself it is ok to let go of what he is not using. None of us will forget the people we have lost. But it is poof and they are not here. We are... I remind myself this has happened for a very long time, people do get past it. I will. There is this voice we have that comes up in our minds. I read this book by Micheal A Singer called Untethered Soul and he speaks about this. How if this voice can be seen as what it is thoughts that come up, that are not who we are! But just thoughts. Also, I notice this is a bit like the word association game we play as kids, I say ice cream what's the first thing you think of? Etc. I think changing the topic when we can help. So we don't go into despair. I miss Tom very much. I would not want him to suffer and be here. He died from advanced pulmonary fibrosis. Your lungs turn to leather. They can't take in oxygen. we need to find hope. Have people in the loop who can help us move forward.