I am a wreck without my wife

Thanks for sharing your story Gary... I got to say goodbye for over a year really, I just didn't realize what I was doing. From about January of 2020 through 2/21 I couldn't wouldn't believe rationally she would die. She didn't admit it either. We didn't talk at all about death. I just kept up a silly nonsense banter especially as she got closer and closer to the end. We just didn't realize she was that close. The medical complex didn't really help with anything definitive for us to face other than her cancer was incurable... Nothing we can do, maybe more radiation, maybe super drug will get discovered, etc... well thanks for sharing and listening!

 

Patti,

I just saw this now. I'm finding it difficult to keep up with all the messages lately. You have been and always will be in my prayers... What time is your appointment tomorrow? I wish I could go with you, but I will be there with you in spirit...

I'm so glad too that Mother Nature has decided to be kinder to SC, total understatement!!! I'm glad you got a much needed long walk in today too.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

WTG!!! I think you're being way too hard on yourself. I don't think I would have been able to go through all of Bob's clothing and personal items alone. I was very grateful that two of my children were here to help me. It was a very painful process, lots of tears all around, we hugged each other, did some of those "remember when's, " like remember when Dad bought that tee shirt while we were on vacation, remember how much he loved this shirt?, etc., etc., etc., ..... And, I know I couldn't have done this alone, my children listened to how I felt, which items I was very attached to, and helped me decide which things I wanted to keep. In the end, I kept some of Bob's favorite vacation tees to use as nightshirts, and a few of his favorite Hawaiian vacation shirts that bring back some very special memories of the nights he wore them. My daughter came up with a great idea, one that I might want to do. She said we could turn the vacation shirts into throw pillows. I think I gave many of them away too soon, because after we dropped the last bag off at Goodwill, almost at the same time, my daughter and I said we could have had someone make a quilt out of them for me. I'm starting to ramble on and on as usual, so stopping here. The point I wanted to make is that having to go though all of Valerie's things must have been a very exhausting process, both mentally and physically. Try to be gentle with yourself.

I'm smiling hearing that you don't need to go to dialysis on Mondays.

I'm still on the seemingly never ending roller coaster ride of emotions, lots of tears today, will probably "talk" about this later, maybe start a new thread. Depends how frazzled I feel later on. However, I know I have to go through all of this pain if I ever want to be able to find some sort of happiness again. Thanks for being here for me.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks Deb... maybe doing something today even if hard was cathartick. Sure hope so anyway. The last few things seem the saddest. I know I kept a good and sensible amount of things so thats good at least. It has been neverending.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and I look forward to hearing your words. Your posts help me realize I am not alone and I have been feeling very alone lately.

Lotsa love and hugz!!!

 

Gary,

This is one of the most beautiful messages... I had to reach for a tissue as I was reading it. I believe with all my heart, you are right, Cheryl loved you so very much, she fought as hard as she could, to be able to stay with you. I love that at the end, you were able to see that peaceful, contented look on Cheryl's face. I need another tissue!!! Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen, I feel so foolish on trying to navigate this site sometimes. Linda was so
much better & faster on the Internet. I
went to sleep at 9pm, my time, tonight. Just woke up at 1am Wed, & saw that I put
you on "ignore". I didn't understand, but
pressed "unignore" and there you were
from Friday#! I'm glad you enjoyed Deb"s
and my "books". Windbag is an old term
not used as much now. Thank you for your comment about Lorraine. It wasn't just the
age difference. My college classmate, Tim,
on Cape Cod, is 72, but his wife ( who I
never met) is 50, and they have a great
marriage. No children ( Tim didn't get
married until 56!- later than I did, at 46).
They have a big dog, which Tim calls
their juvenile delinquent "son".Lorraine
is way busier than I would like to be: her
real estate business, new house, daughter
being a freshman in college, and most
annoying, a needy, "puppy" Rottweiler
constantly by her side. I like my peace &
quiet in my apartment, and the freedom
to come & go. Like Deb, I don't want to get
married again, but I'm torn about having
a companion who has her own place. I think your idea of joining a grief group,
in person, is a good one. I was in a
widowed persons group, but I was the
only guy, with 20 women ( other guys had
dropped out)so I left, also. Later, I was
about to join a hospice grief group for
"loss of spouse" but COVID hit, & it was
cancelled. I was offered ZOOM, but
declined. Now, Grief in Common, has become my group, plus my Mon am
phone sessions with a therapist, who
deals with my mourning and relationsbips. I know you struggled with
the format of Permission to Mourn, by
Tom Zuba, but I know you'd like The
Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
Jonathan Santlofer. I suggested it to Deb
& George and they think it's a great book.
I like the fact that Gary, George, and Rick
are writing longer posts, like Deb & I are.
It was really good to see a longer, detailed
message from you, Karen! I miss people
who dropped out, like Carole and
Stephanie. I hope they're OK. I won't
"ignore"you anymore! Lou

 

Good morning everyone. I had to take a short break and try to process all the feelings and emotions I’ve experienced on hearing everyones stories. It definitely takes a lot of courage to talk about what’s going on regarding our frustrations fears and anxieties. George I’m sorry you had a whole year saying goodbye to your Valerie not knowing when the end was coming. Quick or slow the facilitator said it doesn’t matter grief still has the same affect on us. Life on life‘s terms is difficult. Thinking about moving and getting rid of Valerie’s personal items Has to be a heavy load. You’re an inspiration to all of us. I am so inspired how driven Deb is. Deb’s long walks and experiencing the memories happy and sad. It’s like Deb is being purified by all the pain she’s feeling. And I believe Deb’s technique is going to pay dividends someday soon. And I’m impressed by Lou’s outgoing Personality meeting all these different people in different places. All of you have really gotten out of your comfort zone to grow. Today is a volunteer day for me at the same place where I go to grief support meetings. We’re just removing invasive species from a small wildlife area. I work with two or other volunteers who are really cool people. Our leader’s mother passed away at the hospice facility there and feels a deep devotion towards the campus. This gives me a chance for personal face-to-face human interactions which are few and far between. The first day I volunteered there was the national Day of caring and there were about 30 other volunteers. Luckily I got teamed up with a bunch of females pulling weeds. there were six of us together pulling weeds in a line with implement tools. I remember about a 15 minute interval we worked in such harmony together that no one spoke a word and each other could anticipate the other persons move. I felt like I achieved mindfulness then. After we started speaking to one another I told one of the females that this was like working in an ashram and she smiled. We started conversations among ourselves and kept working. They refer to this place as the Prairie and it also has become a part of my support group. Thanks all. ☯️ Gary✌

 

Gary, thank you for your kind praise of
the people here, including me. You have
become a group leader yourself, in how
you remember all our stories and give us
encouragement in our sad journey to
find out where we go from here. I have to
correct one misconception. When Linda &
I met, she was the extrovert, and I was the
interview. Overtime, that changed, and we
were both on the cusp. Finally, when Linda
became ill, I had to force myself to get on
the phone with her doctors, & others,
which she usually took care of. When she
was in the hospital, and then, the rehab/
nursing home, I had to deal with the
medical team, dietary staff, and PTs, who
were helping her to walk without a walker. After Linda died, my whole
reason for getting up in the morning, was
shattered. I was suicidal, went to the
psychiatric unit voluntarily for 5 nights.
I walked out of my room in the unit, on
Thanksgiving morning to see other clients,
with depression, alcohol & drug addiction,
anger management issues, manic depression, etc. The nurses gave out meds
to those with mental illness. As I told Deb
& others here, I've had manic depression
for many years ( now called bipolar disorder). That magnified my horror of
seeing my wife collapse and then, die,
right in front of me. I had PTSD, bc I couldn't get that image of the last time I
saw Linda, out of my mind. I must have
a guardian angel who told me to seek help
and not take my own life. After all, I was
diagnosed with my mental illness at 30,
and hospitalized, with medication. I was
no stranger to the benefits of therapy,
specifically group therapy. I saved myself
by going to the psych. unit. in 2018. I was
broken & alone upon my discharge, but
began seeing a psychiatric nurse
practioner/grief counselor. At first, all I
did was cry in her home/office. Then, she
guided me through my decision to move to
the apartment in the small, friendly town,
in which I live now. I had a choice to crawl
into a hole of darkness & despair, or
embrace the light, as Tom Zuba so
eloquently put it. With baby steps, I
introduced myself to my neighbors on the
Neck, filled with shops, art galleries, and
restaurants. Once I established I had
moved here & was a widower, I was
accepted warmly. I went to our local
CHEERS like bar, the Shack, "where
everybody knows your name". My first
year, after Linda died, I drank alcohol
there every night, bc I couldn't stand to
be alone ( like Jonathan, in The Widower's
Notebook). After becoming extremely
depressed and going back to the same
psych. unit with the same counselor &
nursing staff ( but different clients), I gave
up drinking on Nov. 6, 2019. But, I still
like to go to the Shack ( not every night)
to see my friends. Well, I'll stop now, Gary,
and have more coffee. I woke up in the
middle if the night to respond to Deb,
Karen, and others. I hope Rick is OK. I
haven't seen him on here for a while.
"Talk to you later". Lou

 

Correction: I was an introvert, not an
"interview". I guess I really do need
more coffee. My grief counselor told me
that I've become a "people person". I think
that's true, but I'm a listener, who likes to
have quiet conversations. Hope you have
a good day today, Gary. Lou

 

It is so great to read your latest post here Gary!
Personally I appreciate the fact that my grief gets validated here... I literally have no-one (except my son and he has his own demons too). I tried to do a bunch of real things yesterday but got thwarted on many.
I really want to do volunteer stuff.. if I volunteer I might not be as readily rejected (I feel like I'm not listened to and rejected a lot!)
You do a wonderful job of responding and connecting... Thank you!

 

Interesting... I was an introverted extrovert who hated doing anything serious. Valerie just wanted to hide on the chaise but she did all the heavy stuff. She was an extroverted introvert. Just need to get through today's dialysis fun and tomorrow's 33rd anniversary. Thanks fer listening!

 

Good Morning To All,

Following Gary's lead, doing a short group message. I overslept, am totally comatose, and NEED, total understatement!!! to get a walk in!!! Lately, as always, it looks like I have lots of catching up to do, but this is a good thing!!! Be back later on...

For now, just want you to know, I'm thinking about all of you... Hoping everyone as at least one, if not more than one reason to smile this morning...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Have a great walk Deb!

 

Dear Ms. Total Understatement ( that still
cracks me up!). I overslept, too, bc I woke
up in the middle of night to answer my
friends here. I didn't realize that I hadn't
replied to Karen's long ( for her!) post, and
I felt bad and replied to her. I laughed when she said she was following the
"novels" of you & me, Deb! Gary is a
runner up to us, but I'm not sure where
Rick went. Hope he's OK. Looks like a
sunny, cloudless blue sky day, from my
window. As I walk down by the ocean,
I 'll try to refrain from singing, "Blue
skies....." by Willie Nelson. If I start
singing " Oh, what a beautiful morning",
from the movie, Oklahoma, at the top of
my lungs, I might be reported to the local
police. Crime rates are mercifully down
here, so my arrest would definitely make
the police blotter in our local paper! Lou

 

George, Linda & I took the Myers-Briggs
test, & it turned out, at the time, that we
were both introvert/ extrovert. Looking
back, I remember saying one of my ideal
jobs would be a lone forest ranger, high up
in the mountains. That is so not me, today!
The last thing I need is total solitude &
isolation. I need to have people around me
when I feel the need. Remember to get on
Grief in Common tomorrow, during your
sad wedding anniversary with Valerie. As
you know, Oct 13 is also Linda's birthday
( would've been 71) and the horrible
anniversary of Deb's husband, Bob, who died only 6 months ago. We must reach
out to each other with virtual hugs. As
my widowed persons club leader pointed
out, anniversaries & holidays are ONE
day. Let's try not to let one day take away
one whole month of OUR lives, bc as we are painfully aware, life is indeed
precious, and should not be squandered.
October in New England is truly
beautiful, with its' crisp air, sunshine,
blue skies, apple cider, pumpkins, and,
of course, fall foliage. Busloads of tourists
travel here just to see the orange, yellow,
and red colors of the leaves on the trees.
Let's savor that, before the leaves fall,
and the trees are barren. I'm trying to
be like one of my favorite poets from
New England, Robert Frost, so I'll stop
before people here call me a Pollyanna.
Lou

 

Deb, please see my replies to George this
morning about our anniversaries on
October 13, so I won't repeat myself. So
glad you're finally able to take walks again, and I sincerely hope you will be
out tomorrow, perhaps with your widow
friend. You shouldn't be alone. If you
can't get out, remember that we're here
for you, and you're here for us. Lou

 

Morning All!
As I've gotten older and hopefully wiser there is Nothing wrong with "Pollyanna-ish-ness" personally I call it BrightSidey-ness. It is hard to be positive in a world that seems to only want and appreciate "Kool-ness" and phony jaded, world-weary cynicism. I am just in plain fact tired of negativity. If there's one take away from Santofler itz how negativity is just plain counterproductive of future goal setting. It's especially hard when your entire life seems to be centered around negativity. I guess that's the test of one's humanity. How best you can accept and not give in to the pervasive negativity? That is the true challenge of living; not acquiring the latest car or gadget or holiday. Itz the day-in-day-out drive to survive the day with your values intact!

Enjoy the beautiful NE season! It's cloudy here once again but at least mild!

 

Gary, I read your account of holding
Cheryl in your arms on her last day on
earth, and wept. Our stories were similar.
I try to remember that I was fortunate to
be able to talk with her before she
collapsed in front of me, then died, with
her nurses & rescue squad around her.
When I followed her rescue vehicle, in
an ambulance with screeching sirens, to
the hospital, I knew in my gut that she
had died. The ER doctor confirmed the
fact, that Linda was dead on arrival. A social worker asked if I wanted to see her
body, and I said no. I felt that her spirit
had left her lifeless body, and I wanted to
remember her talking with me. I try not
to think of her end, but, instead, our 25
years of marriage, trying to think of the
good times, and not see all on the bad. The
grief therapy, Grief in Common, and my
"Bible", The Widower's Notebook, have
softened my pain. It is good to know you,
Gary, and others here. Lou

 

Thank you so much for your positive
insight, George. You are truly an asset to
Grief in Common. It does my heart good
that you & Deb are reading Jonathan's
book, at my suggestion. As I told Deb, it
felt so good to email my appreciation to
Jonathan for his amazing book. He was so
kind to email back 2 days later, despite
writing new books, going on book tours,
and participating in panels with other
writers. Deb is considering emailing
Jonathan. When you finish his book, if you
decide to write to him, too, his email
address is : jonathansantlofer@gmail. com.
I always enjoy our talks. Lou

 

I'm glad to hear that Lou! I am fighting literally so hard to try to stay mindful and in the present. I could fall into the quicksand of negativity quite easily. Talk to you more later!