I am a wreck without my wife

Thankz Deb!!!

I appreciate the heartfelt message. Today I was able (after waking up in my usual befuddled Desolation at around 7) to journal (as usual) and I think I discovered I might be stronger again. I just want to go along with the flow but maybe I took a partial glide down the steep precipice I'm balanced on. TB(The Boy) and I were in foul most moods yesterday stressing about the House and the packing and selling of it. Seeing Valerie's things out of the kitchen cabinets ready for disposition was very sad. TB goes "don't expect any Sympathy from me!" and I say I don't expect any from you. Yet he cries out in the night needing comfort. Such is the role of a parent no matter how adult the kid is in years. I have determined to keep trying to act positive no matter what... Thatz from reading "Healing Grief/Finding Peace" which I got at the library with the JS book.

I realize the negativity really drags me down. What to do when THE ONLY person still in your life has been taught to be negative and persists in the righteousness of this behavior. I realize I have a choice in behavior and I can avoid the negative as much as possible. Like not watching media. I have so much going thru my brain it hurtz. I appreciate you listening. I hope we can keep on talking!

Much love!!!!

 

Hey Lou! great to hear from you! I feel like I'm in such a difficult place right now. Started the process of moving... Still no official listing of house. Just getting ready. There's 17 years worth of crap here and of course all the other crap from before Valerie even. Like getting rid of old painting (they sucked anyway they are from 1985 some!0 and kitchen crud like Valerie's giant stand mixer (and blender etc) which I will never use and TB has no clue how to put together. Huge stuff from an old life. An obsolete life. If I could move... when I move I can be in a spot here I can be strong. I can't be strong in this house of pain and so much cute and love dying... I am all about purging junk and I don't want to cuz itz Valerie's stuff. But I don't want to move it. Must purge all junk emotional and physical in my life. So I can start new.

You are pretty lucky finding a nice seaside small town. I would love something like that at some point. Now we just need out of this toxic spot. I need to purge the toxicity like the junk. Reading JS and the other book I got help. So does reading the posts on here and getting to talk to you and Deb and others. I need to find an in person support group. I need a lot of stuff. If I look at it that way I won't do anything. Gotta start small and be consistent!

I wish I could find a spot to hang out and socialize. It was never Valerie's thing. Maybe it is mine though! I want to find a friendly place.

Cook County Illinois is particularly toxic to me. I really don't like it here. BTW.

Morning is so hard! Mourning is So hard! Trying something new a "Soul Breakfast" where I journal and meditate. No noise.

Hope to talk to you later! GP

 

Patti and Lou,

I'm teary eyed reading your responses. It feels so good to know I have friends who truly "get it."

Patti, I hope you feel better ASAP!!! You are so kind, such a good friend, to want to help me when you're not feeling well. If you don't feel up to it, you don't have to respond today. I'm not making any quick decisions, and will be looking forward to hearing your thoughts on moving. I greatly appreciate your support and will carefully think about what you have to say. Thanks for the big hug, I needed it!!! You and everyone here are always in my prayers too.

Lou, All I can say is thank you.... It's hard for me to believe I have such a good friend who I haven't met... Life is strange!!! Be back later to "talk."

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

George,

Just a quick message to let you I'm "listening." I like that you're taking care of yourself by avoiding the negativity in your life. I try to avoid negativity too. I used to watch the news every night, but now I only watch it a couple times a week. I try to keep up with the things I feel are important on-line.

I need to get out of my house to preserve whatever shred of sanity I have left. I'm glad you're feeling better today. Hearing this is making me smile.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thanks for the Peace of Hugz!
Today we were getting stuff ready for the Junk people... I've worn myself out so much now that I have no energy to care Yet I Still Do!!! A Lot and today I just want some quiet and peace I hope TB crashes out and is calm I need down time.

 

Lou,

I love Seinfeld!!! It was one of those shows that Bob and I always looked forward to. I love it so much that I was even able to watch repeats with Bob. Even the second time around, in some cases the third time around, I still laughed right along with Bob.

When you met Gary in August, I love!!! that he dedicated a song to you and Linda. Gary truly has a good heart... Reading this is making me teary eyed... And of course, after reading that you saw him again Saturday, and the first song he played was about God's love, I had to grab a tissue. I think you and Gary were meant to see each other again too. Like you, I believe things happen for a reason.

Thanks for sharing this with me.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi Deb, sending you a BIG HUG
from upstate SC. Tried to find your
posting to how long you've been in SC
I feel like I'm in a whirlwind that won't
stop, in trying to adjust to EVERYTHING.
Feel like I am in a constant maze.
Deb, I fully understand what you and
all others are going through, will be
so thankfull to get of f this roller
coaster of emotions. I pray daily
for that to be for you, all others,
and myself.
It warms my heart to read Lou's posts
his friendships he has found in his
lovely small community. I had that
at home in Ca. and the surrounding
communities, it sure isn't like that
here.
Glad these rains quit for awhile.
Has there been update on Teddy?
Praying for Robin and Teddy.
My little girl dog, had to have
teeth extractions when she
had them cleaned last month, she's
four pounds, Mi Ki breed. being so
tiny caused the teeth to be overly
crowded 10 loosened (one
had broken off learnt dogs
have 45 teeth) .I named her
JayCee. J after Jack, C after my
brother Carl, Carl's funeral was
the afternoon that Jack went
to Heaven.
Sorry for having to lengthen my
postings ( temporarily I pray) till
I can read the small type, so glad
to have apple touch iPad, enables
me to spread screen out.
Have you, others, heard from
Jim (Oneman) hope that he is
doing better.
Prayers tomorrow is a better
day for you Deb, everyone here.
Blessings, Patti

 

George,

Hope you get some down time tonight...
Sleep well...

As always sending you hugs, wishing you peace. DEB

 

Patti,

It's so good to "talk" to you. Bob and I moved here in the beginning of 2018. Prior to moving here, he was out on disability, and even though I had to help him with some of his ADL's, he was still pretty independent, the side affects from the immunotherapy drug he was on were manageable. However, almost as soon as we moved here, his health began spiraling downwards, I became his full time caregiver, and it was the beginning of the end.

How long have you been living in upstate SC? I'm sorry it's been so hard for you to adjust to the move. I'm so sorry you haven't found your community to be a warm and welcoming place. I didn't make much of an effort to get to know anyone when we first moved here. My sole focus was on taking care of Bob the best I could. However, last summer, I met another widow, and we quickly bonded. We've become good friends. She is the only "real" friend I have in my community, although I have some good neighbors, and many acquaintances.

Still sort of on, sort of off topic, what have you found the healthcare to be like? Even at the large teaching hospital, which is considered to be one of the best health care facilities in the state, I found that while the providers were good, and they had all of the latest cutting edge medical equipment, there was no communication among the many specialists who treated Bob. I was the one who always had to make sure that none of the drugs given to him by one specialist would interact negatively with a drug given to him by a different specialist. Not one of the specialists, his oncologist came the closest, looked at him as a "whole" person. They saw him as just "body parts." Unfortunately, we weren't told (only one social worker for 5,000 outpatient cancer patients) that there were some primary care doctors who specialized in treating cancer patients. We found out about this by accident, when we saw a sign hanging in the waiting area of the cancer center, about a year before Bob died. Life was a bit less stressful once he had a good primary care doctor. She was very thorough, treated him as a whole person, and kept a close watch on all of the drugs to make sure Bob could safely take them all together.

Robin told us that although the doctor doesn't think it's cancer, just to be certain, she thinks the growth should be removed. I don't know the date of the surgery. It's heartbreaking... Teddy was a gift from Ron which makes this even more heartbreaking, if this is even possible... Teddy and Robin are in my prayers too. I'm sorry to hear that JayCee had to have so many teeth removed. I hope her recovery is going smoothly, and she's feeling much better. Her name is so pretty!!! I love how you came up with it. I can't imagine how difficult that day must have been for you, having Jack pass away, and your brother buried that same afternoon... Hearing this, I just want to give you the biggest hug...

The last time I "saw" Jim here was the day he shared the beautiful poem he wrote with all of us. I had a feeling right after I read it, that this was his way of saying goodbye to us, but I hoped I was wrong. He's still in my prayers. I hope he's okay.

I hope you're feeling much better, and am praying that you'll be able to read small print again soon too.

Once again, it was so good to "talk" to you. I've missed you!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi George I kind of know what you’re going through. Having health problems and going through the loss of a spouse is a real double whammy. My situation is minor compared to yours though. A month after I lost Cheryl I had a Follow up PSA test where the results were defined as a bio chemical reoccurrence. I had the prostatectomy about 2 years ago and it was unsuccessful. No treatments are scheduled as of yet. Honestly the stress of having additional treatment is minor compared to losing Cheryl. Cheryl was there for me when I had a knee replacement also. I was hoping I would get the chance to pay her back for all the love and support she gave me. I have to stay focused on the now. To live in this immediate box of space and time is difficult. I try not to think too far into the future. One day at a time. I can’t believe how fast Lou and Deb can crank out all there beautiful posts of support and kindness. It probably took me a half hour to write this. I’ve only had 3 dreams with Cheryl in it. The first right after she died I dreamt we had an argument and she was leaving me. When I finally got the courage to call Cheryl and ask her to come home I woke up snd realized she was gone. The other dreams were riding around going to garage sales. I wish I had more dreams of Cheryl. Someday I will and I feel they will come at the most needed time. Sleep well everyone. ☮️ Gary

 

Deb, regarding medical healthcare here, I know what you are speaking about.Sad to say there is no
PRIVATE PRACTICE Physicians, Specialists, up here, don't know about southern part of the state. I
base my opinion that "this is the cause of the lack of communication between the Doctors.NO EXCUSE. "
The medical system here is totally set up different.It's nothing like that in California. Our local Dr.'s there
sent us to UCLA specialists for Jack. I've told several different people here with PD to get a Neuro
Movement Specialist, they were like " what are you talking about?"
Here it is Monday, takes me so long to type what I want to say, and not ever wanting to say the wrong thing.
Prayers lifted for you Deb, and everyone here. Big Hugs
Blessings, Patti

 

Patti,

Need a long walk, so this is a super short one. The medical system here is so much worse than anywhere else I've ever lived. I'm always cautious when I "talk" about it here. Sadly, neurologists who specialize in Parkinsons's are scarce in this state. There is one near where I live. Bob and I went to a talk at a nearby church where she was the guest speaker. We both really liked her. It took me over eight months to get Bob an appointment with her. I had to change it once because he was in the hospital on the day of the visit. I rescheduled it again, but Bob was in rehab. I had to reschedule this one too. Bob died before this appointment. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

I really appreciate you reaching out to me, knowing how difficult it is for you to read and type. You are always close in my thoughts and prayers too.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hey Deb! Up at 5am before dawn... didn't force it or anything did not feel desolate... then fell asleep til 8:20 ten up feeling blah and desolate about all the horrible things I have to do today... I need out of this house... I know it won't solve every problem but it is no home anymore... I try to do my morning affirmations to be strong and kind and full of love but I just want to curl up in bed... I rePhrase stuff as not hard or horrible just necessary to get out of house to start sensible new life... I'm all over the place. Sorry

Hugs and Thanx fer listening DEB!

 

Hey Gary! I am still trying to get used to the interface here on the GIC site. I really appreciate you taking the effort to connect back... Itz been super hard with having to move out of my house of 17 years... I have to do all this serious junk that Valerie would always be in charge of. And itz hard to cuz I keep on second guessing every hard and tricky decision. As long as I watch the foods I eat and intake of fluids I do ok enough. Valerie would always make sure I ate the right foods. Now I just don't want to east. Valerie and I were all about 30 years of dieting an it takes her kancer for me to loose all that weight. Just don't care about much of anything. Not excited anymore. Valerie is alive in almost all mmy dreams maybe that's why I feel so desolate upon waking.

Take care and thanks for responding!

 

Hi Deb, glad that our weather is behaving, so we can enjoy our much needed
long walks.
Have appointment with Mohs surgeon tomorrow at two, I'm dreading that
visit, continued prayers, please. Thanks.
Keeping you and all others in my prayers.
Big hug , Blessings. Patti

 

Greetings George. George was Cheryl’s Dad’s name too. This is just my opinion and I read this somewhere but not sure where. When we dream our subconscious minds are free. And when we are dealing with long term suffering sometimes we are given a form of spiritual vision. In your dreams is Valerie healthy or sick? Could it be possible that Valerie is trying to let you know that she is OK And wishes the best for you? Dreams can be very hard to Interpret. I am trying to keep an open mind about any communication with Cheryl. I haven’t had anything yet other than a couple times feeling a strong presence of her. Sometimes I feel like I function better in an imaginary world than I do with all this harsh reality of grief. These were just some strong gut feelings of mine to share with you George and I hope it didn’t offend you. Keep on Truckin. Gary

 

Totally what I was thinking! She isn't sick Valerie in the dreams that's true and it feels so good to have her dream presence. Thanks for responding! She was a teachers aide with special needs kids and she used to sing this song about "little red hearts mean I love You" well there are all these tiny confetti shiny red hearts all over(my son HATES them!) but each time I find one I think this is a sign of her love still there. I be Truckin' on all over the place here in my empty seeming house!

 

George,

No need to ever apologize!!! I'm all over the place, as you said it, all the time. I think it's part of this brain fog all of us seem to be suffering from. I'm proud of you for doing those morning affirmations and not just curling up, staying in bed, pulling the covers over your head, trying to escape from the world.

I know you know how much I'm struggling with where I want to live too. Just as I said the other day, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer on how much time needs to pass before making this decision. Only you know what's best for you. I know that for me, I need more time before I can make this decision. My feelings on where I want to live have changed from what they were when Bob first died. In the beginning I thought I wanted to move further south, where two of my best friends are headed. Just recently, I'm thinking I might want to move back "home," but don't know if I can handle this, because so many of the best times in my life are at "home," the many years I spent with Bob. The only thing that's remained constant, is that I don't want to remain in this house, in this state. However, I really don't know how I'm going to feel in the future. My brain is totally scrambled, total understatement!!! All I know is that I'm not going to rush this.

I think I read somewhere on this thread, not too long ago, when you and Lou were "talking," that you might be going to spend some time outside, get some fresh air. This seems to make so many of us feel better. I hope that even though you have some horrible things you have to do today, that you got, or will get, a little time outside. I apologize because I don't remember if you have dialysis today. I hate this foggy widow brain thing!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

My brain is perennially foggy! And I'm always plain exhausted... all normal with grieving still doesn't make it any easier. Got a big load to GoodWill the donations place. I should feel satisfied I did something... without TB even...
Thank you so much for saying you're proud of me! That means a lot. I do all this and try to be strong but I feel like itz useless at times! I like Mondays now cuz no Dialysis! I am so spacing out right now! Hope you are doing ok enough too! Right now OK enough is like superGreat these daze!

 

George, this is going to sound strange but I got to say goodbye to Cheryl twice. One hour and 13 minutes after I found Cheryl-unresponsive and not breathing she was pronounced 10 zero which means dead on the police scanner. 11 first responders were on scene. After Cheryl was pronounced deceased I was asked do you want to say goodbye now or wait till everybody leaves? I said I want to say goodbye now and everybody backed up and let me get down on the floor and hold Cheryl and brush thick eye brows with my thumbs And hold her head and kiss her. I told her that I will catch up with you in the promised land. Miraculously the head nurse found a heartbeat and Cheryl was rushed to the heart Institute. For months I tried to figure out why it happened like that? Mind boggling. While the rescue was in progress I remember hearing several of the EMTs saying I can’t believe how hard she’s trying to breathe on her own. I just figured it out a week ago. I believe Cheryl’s love for me was so strong that when I said goodbye she did everything in her power to come back. Fast forward two days later in the hospital. Cheryl can’t breathe on her own and there’s no activity in the brain so we made the decision it was time for her to leave this earth. I stayed six hours by her side until security came to take her away. I walked with Cheryl to the elevator and said my last goodbye. But About two hours after Cheryl passed away something strange happened. You know how tired people look before they die and then after they die? Cheryl had that look until the two hour mark after her death. Then there was an amazing transformation that I can’t explain. Her whole facial expression changed. Cheryl looked like she had achieved some kind of enlightenment a look of total peace and contentment. I compared that expression do the Indian god Vishnu. Cheryl‘s sister Vicki recognized it also but we didn’t discuss it till afterwards. Glad you’re keeping on George. ☮️ Gary