I am a wreck without my wife

I DID have feelings for L, but was concerned about our 20 year age
difference. She's a little older than Kim,
who's like a daughter to me. On the
other hand, my college classmate, Tim,
on Cape Cod, is married to a woman of
50, & they have a good marriage. You
probably missed my brief message
about L when you were in a long "talk"
with Rick ( to be read later). L is
MARRIED!!! I was sniffing around her
house with a car with out of state plates
in the driveway, when her husband
walked out of the house! N, Al,& I had
mistakenly thought L was divorced bc
her husband still lived out of state. Turns
out they are trying to sell that house, &
the husband has to go back & forth. I
shook his hand, told him about our
"jumping to conclusions", & said that
everyone on the Neck loved his lovely
wife & daughter, & that I was happy
for them. I really am, Deb. I'm relieved
bc he's a nice guy, husband, & father.
Looking back, L never led me on....Lou

 

Hello everybody. I’m trying to catch up on what the theme is today on this thread. But i’ll just wing it and tell you what’s going on in my life. I live in a rural area so when I go to town I try to multitask. Like getting clean water groceries haircut and gas. I do not like going out and I can’t wait to get back home. It’s kind of like walking a tight rope feeling like you can function normally or like you can just have a crying jag at any moment. We had around 6 inches of rain last night and everything is flooded. I’m still in the habit of using the word we. And I know that will take a lot of getting used to to change it to the word I. I don’t know which one of our members used the phrase I need to be stronger? But I’ve been taught in the grief support meetings that doesn’t work. I have to let out the pain when it comes. And believe me it does not boost my self-confidence and esteem when I do. But it’s part of the healing process. We have a really good facilitator in our grief support meetings. From day one I learned you cannot hold in the grief. Because it will come out in another way which can either affect your health or begin a myriad of bad Behaviors. Six Needs of Reconciliation for the Mourner is a brief article that has jump started my grief journey. Please read this. It’s on another site but it’s so confusing you can’t find it so you just type in the words six needs of reconciliation for the mourner. I have it on the Home Screen of my phone. One of the main thing in this article says to take your grief in doses. Don’t take a whole bunch of grief on at one time. Try to spread it out. I usually get my pain out in the morning usually three or four bawling jags on a normal bad day. I have learned a lot but it doesn’t help when my life caves in and it is so hard to function. I’m very grateful for the friends I have found on this site. Sending everyone positive thoughts and hugs.

 

Lou,

You are such a good person, with such a big heart, and a great sense of humor. I think everything happens for a purpose (although I have to admit there have been times I've questioned this belief since Bob passed away), and that you and L. just weren't meant to be. I hope that someday, although no one will ever replace Linda, the one true love of your life, you will find a special person to share life with again. I bet it will happen when you least expect it.

Although I'm not at the point you're at, whenever I think about spending the rest of my life alone, it makes me so sad... I can't imagine it. I try not to dwell on it, but on miserable days like today, it's hard not to think about it. I feel guilty whenever I think about this. I know Bob wanted me to be happy. I know guilt is a useless emotion, but feelings are feelings. I can't help the way I feel. Bob was, and always will be, the one true love of my life.

Thank you for finishing your first TBC.

Stopping here, I've had way too much coffee today. I really need a new plumbing system!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary, thank you for writing your
suggestions. I'm glad you're in a grief
group & are online with us. I have a
weekly phone therapy session on Mon am
to set the tone for the week, but it has
gone beyond grief counseling to how I
interact with people, both friends and
strangers. I had to work on my hyper-
sensitivity right after my wife, Linda,
died. I'm somewhat better after 2 years &
9 months since Linda's sudden death
right before Thanksgiving, 2018, after 25
years of marriage. I miss her every day.
Like you, my mornings, before I walk
outside, are the worst. I cry over a
song we both liked, a shirt she bought
for me, while shaving with an electric
razor she picked out in a store, when I
couldn't make up my mind. She was a calm
influence on me. Linda was a better
driver. I would get mad if someone
tailgated me, and made me pull over.
Before she went into the hospital, we
sold our car, & I'm glad. I feel healthier,
bc I walk everywhere in my small
seaside town, & take a short bus ride to
the nearby larger city. I hope you will
gradually want to be outside your home
on a beautiful day, not just for must do
errands. Lou

 

Funny that you said I was a good person.
That's EXACTLY what Lorraine said to me,
when Nate & I invited her to an end of summer band concert next to the
American Legion. She looked at me with a
steady gaze, and told me it was good to
know me. I read too much into that. Both
Nate & I assumed L was divorced bc she
said, "I bought the house" instead of "We".
She never referred to her husband, so
we jumped to conclusions. I admit that I
became infatuated, bc she was the first
brightest, funniest, & prettiest woman I'd
seen come to this town. I realize that I
revealed L's name, but I did that to protect
her identity, bc she's very protective and
private about her family. I will keep using
the initial N. for my young friend, bc he's
even more private ( being ex Army) and
only confides in me right now, & vice
versa. Well, I think I answered everyone,
except you & Rick. No one will ever
replace Linda, but I can't say never, to a
possible companion. Since you don't
live here..........I will have to wait!!Just
half kidding, Deb. I like to "see" you
"blush"! Lou

 

Gary,

I agree with what you said. There is absolutely no way to get around grief. Grief will eventually catch up with you, hanging over your head, like a dark cloud, before the rain arrives... In order to heal, we must experience all of the misery, the total heartbreak that follows after we lose someone who we loved, still love, with all our heart. I learned in my bereavement support group (I recently stopped going to the meetings, but that's for a different thread) and from an excellent book Lou recommended, "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba, that we need to talk about the traumatic circumstances after our loved one has died, to everyone who will listen, repeat the same story as much as necessary, until we no longer feel the need to to do so. It is only by doing this, that the power of the worst memories in our lives will lose their grip over us. It's only then that this seemingly endless roller coaster of emotions, will have many more ups, than downs.

Another thing that Lou recommended to me, and to everyone else here, is that we refer to our loved one by their name. I was unable to do this for a long time. Finally, I think it was on the fifth month anniversary of Bob's death (I have that foggy widow brain thing going on, it was either the fourth or fifth month, but I'm pretty sure it was the fifth month), I stopped just referring to Bob as my husband, and began using his real name. It was very difficult for me to do this. It made his death seem even more real, even though I already knew he was gone. I cried, I couldn't stop crying, but and this is a BIG but, I know this was a step forward on this miserable journey that not one of us would ever choose to take.

I hate it when well meaning friends, but don't have a clue, tell me that I need to be strong. There is no way they can possibly understand what it's like when your heart feels like it's been ripped in half, until they have to experience the death of someone who they loved, still love, with all their heart. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to ever have to go through the heartbreak that all of us are living with 24/7.

I am going to check out Six Needs of Reconciliation for the Mourner. Thank you for recommending this.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

You getting me to laugh, blush... this is sort of becoming a regular thing! There is something about your sense of humor that reminds me of Bob. I think the two of you could have become good friends.

Backing up a bit, thanks again for telling me the story about your yellow Nova. When I checked the mileage on my car this afternoon, it's definitely!!! time for that oil change. I'm even more challenged when it comes to car maintenance than when it comes to using my laptop. I still have so much to learn... But, and this is another one of those BIG buts, I can do this!!! I already fixed my ice maker and replaced a toilet seat. I think Bob would be proud of me.

It's finally stopped raining, hoping this is a sign of much better weather ahead.

I hope you're still outside enjoying the rest of a beautiful day, and those way beyond beautiful ocean views...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

P.S. It is getting much harder to keep up with things around here. As much as I'm glad that more people are joining this site, I wish with all my heart they didn't have to.

 

Deb, I'm honored when you mention my
name to others here, in regard to asking
for the name of the spouse, and my book
recommendations. After Linda died, I felt
a strong need to be recognized by name,
myself. I would like it when a friend would text, or leave a voicemail, & say my name.
It reminds me of a powerful scene in the
movie version of Death of a Salesman, starring Lee J. Cobb & Mildred Dunnock.
After her husband died, the widow cries
out, "Attention must be paid". I was a boy
when I saw the movie, and even then, my
eyes filled up with tears. I guess I've
always been sensitive, but now, of
course, much more so. The Widower's
Notebook touches on all the things you
said, including the cluelessness of
well meaning "friends". Or, are they
really friends? Grief is a time to sort
through these questions & emotions.
Looking forward to your completion
of the book, Deb, so we can "talk" about
it. Who knows, you may want to do a
short email to Jonathan, yourself. Lou

 

Thanks Lou and Deb for your experience strength and hope. It’s priceless in the spiritual and emotional realm. I Was just swapping my summer clothing out for my winter clothing and noticed all the shirts Cheryl had bought for me. Cheryl was a professional shopper. She bought and sold antiques for the last 40 years and ran a successful business. Our home looked like an antique store. Cheryl always bought low and sold high. We had growing pains at the beginning when the house was so crowded with pieces you could hardly move. The business really stimulated Cheryl and kept her mind occupied researching pieces pricing and packing for the next trip to the mall. I went to the antique mall yesterday and ran into some of Cheryl‘s best friends there. I was able to explain to them what it happened and how Cheryl passed on. I visited some of her booths and looked at a lot of the pieces that Cheryl and I had found together. This was very difficult and brought back a lot of memories good memories though. One of Cheryl’s sisters is keeping the booths in operation till the end of the year cleaning out the inventory. Cheryl‘s two best friends looked deep into my eyes and wondered what it must feel like and what it would feel like for them to go through the same thing. I just read the post that grief in common sent about people pleasers and perfectionists. I could really relate to the situation about trying to move a couch with a broken arm. A metaphor in regards to being broken from grief and trying to be there for other people and you do everything perfect when you know we are so deeply wounded ourselves. The interesting thing I felt about this site is there are extreme highs and lows on the journey but this seems to make it more consistent. So I’m not off guard when a big wave of grief hits. I’ve been in a 12 step recovery group for 29 years and I’ve had trouble participating since I’ve lost Cheryl. When I speak from the heart I can’t help from crying. This is normal for us but it makes a lot of other people feel uncomfortable. This is another area of my life I’ve had to relearn how to participate. I just started doing Zoom meetings. Coincidentally I found a grief zoom meeting online the other night and filled out an application for it and they responded immediately to me. I think they’re Friday and Saturday. Nice fellowshipping with you both all the rest. Peace and hugs.

 

Hi Lou, I'm so glad you responded and I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. Boy, we sure have a group here. I've read every post and I must say, you and Deb are my continuing novel. Every day I get on line and there is a new chapter in both of your lives. Yes, we were our first contact, I remember.

You may have read in my prior posts about my trip to Oregon that I shouldn't of taken. It was filled with memories when Jack and I lived there. I had a feeling I shouldn't go back, but did for my daughter who wanted to see Oregon. We drove from Grants Pass up to Cottage Grove looking around. We both decided Oregon didn't call us to live there, but I think we will see Eugene before we make up our minds. The coast is not a consideration nor is Portland. I hear all the stories from everyone who loves seaside areas. And, I know how much you love it, but for some reason the ocean, at times, makes me depressed especially the fog and cloudy days. It must be something from my childhood. The ocean does speak to us and the good times I do go, I'm totally relaxed.

Yesterday I had two of my long time girlfriends visit me. They said, "your looking good you must feel better." (As you said people said you look good, etc.) I told my friends I don't feel better in fact, I feel worse. They looked at me with a blank face not knowing what to say. So, I piped up and blasted them with my feelings and started to tear up. I just couldn't hold it in. I told them 1/2 of me went with Jack and the other 1/2 is just a walking zombie, trying to get through my days and not knowing what I will become. I shared the forum group with one friend. She told me I need to get off the computer and join a live therapy in person grieving group. I'm wondering if everyone here thinks that's a good idea or not. I really like spending time reading everyone's journey, daily lives, etc.

Lou, or do you have a new nickname, "Windbag" So funny. Do you think the shops will open for the holidays? There must be enough people in your village that can support local shopping...

I'm not sure the last images of our spouses will ever leave us. They seem to pop up when we don't expect it. For me it's nap time and nights and sometimes when I want to feel close to him I make myself relive the last two weeks he was home with hospice. I torture myself that way. I hate October, the last two weeks when he was home, so sick I relieve every moment I cared for him, watching every day his deterioration. Well I won't go into the details we all have gone through it.

I'm not only grieving Jack I wake up in the middle of the night and think about everyone here who's in great agony. I'm so heartbroken for everyone on this forum. But, there is encouragement and good daily stories. All the movies you and others mention I've seen them all, takes me back to the "good old times". I loved the 50's, the world was a different place.

Oh, forgot to mention, I read your other post about L. I guess it was a surprise to find she is married. But considering age difference it probably wouldn't of worked out anyway. There will be someone out there when you least expect it, it always seems to happen.

My arm is getting better, no sling and lots of PT, sun is out, smoke gone, skyrocketed heat gone. On that note I may have to take a nap, it's 3PM kind of late, so I may just sit in the sun with Jack's cat, Rambo.
Have a good evening; always following your daily life at your seaside village. I can just imagine you there. K

 

Lou,

All of the advice you've given me, has helped me continue to move forward, as I stumble along this miserable path that not one of us would have chosen to take. Although I haven't "known" you that long, you've been, and continue to be, a good "friend," one of the best "friends," I haven't met!!! I like being able to share what I've learned from you with others who are struggling just as much as we are.

I've been so physically and emotionally drained lately, that I've been been falling asleep with the book in my hand. This weekend is an especially difficult one for me. . I'm not sure I can handle being around other people. About the only thing I want to do is finish the book. I'm looking forward to being able to "talk" about it with you too.

When you "talk" about the cluelessness of friends and ask "are they really friends?", I need to think about this for awhile. This is another one of those TBCs... I hope I remember to finish this one!!!

If my brain isn't too foggy, I think you're probably at the Shack. I hope you enjoy your evening out!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Gary,

I think of the extreme highs and lows as being on an emotional roller coaster with way too many downs, not enough ups, and no way to stop the ride. There are so many days, I wish I had an "off switch" for my brain, even if only for a little while.... Just a short break from the mentally and physically exhausting process of grieving.

Too exhausted to write more now, but I want you to know how glad I am you're here too.

As always, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Got the book!!! Actually went to the library for the first time in over two years! I( have been reading it all day along with Healing Grief Finding Peace I have to say I am impressed that JS had a lot of friends and was still feeling better because he was teaching and creating. I too, just do art for arts sake don't know if itz any good I, I don't want to care... I was just a middle class teacher with bad health issues and with a wife whose were proven fatal. At least the sun came out today> And I had a bit of a walk too! Great book Lou, thanks for recommending it.

 

Wow, George! Woke up at 6am, as I usually
do. The first thing I do, is to check messages. I was out for the evening last
night, & haven't had a chance to respond
to the long emails from my friend, Deb,
& from the newer members, Rick & Gary.
I told Deb that my fantasy was for us to
meet, become friends in person, & have a
group hug. I'm so proud of you for getting
to the library, getting Jonathan's book,
starting to read it, and already
commenting on it! I want to share part of
an email I sent to Jonathan, in Sept, 2019,
almost a year after Linda's death: " Your
amazing book was recommended by a
woman whose husband died, at 66. I told
her you seemed like a brother I never had.
Jonathan astonished me by emailing back"
"Dear Lou, I am so sorry to hear about
the death of your wife, Linda. That kind
of sudden traumatic loss is truly
terrible, and something I know about.
Thank you for writing to me. If my book
brought you some comfort, I am glad I wrote it. I am touched and proud to call
you "brother". My warmest and best,
Jonathan". I'm in an email list from him.
He's been on a book tour for his new book,
a mystery. I recently emailed him again
at jonathansantlofer@ gmail. com to tell him I was in Grief in Common. He shocked
me AGAIN, by quickly responding: " It's
good to hear from you. The grief group
sounds good, a wise move, and I hope it
has been helpful. I still believe what I said
about Grief, that we move on and so the
best we can. For me,that means burying
myself in work, sometimes too much, but we all have our ways of coping. Wishing you well. Your brother in Grief, and, in happiness, too. Jonathan". He then said he
will be going. to a friend's farmhouse to
write in seclusion. After that, a writers'
retreat. Feel free, George, to email him,
if the spirit moves. He would love to hear
what you just told me. Lou

 

Deb, woke up this am at 6am. Had a great
time at the Shack last night, thanks. Thank you for your comment about "friends, or are they?". You may be interested in my
dialogue with George. He got Jonathan's
book & is already commenting! I'm so
pleased. I told him, as I did you, that if
the spirit moves, feel free to write to
Jonathan at jonathansantlofer@gmail.com.
Last night, I met a couple, Pete & Jody, from South Dakota (!). They reminded me
so much of Steven & Betsy. In fact, I even
introduced them to Lyle, like I had with
S&B!! When Jody told me her father had
died from a pulmonary embolism , well, Deb, I'm sure you know what happened
next. I told them about Linda and about
Steven & Betsy ( they were about 50, also),
and even about Grief in Common. When I
told Jody that Steven & I write letters & send postcards to each other, Jody whipped out a pen, asked for my address,
& said they will send me a Christmas card!
I have a feeling I will send them a postcard
of my seaside town. They loved it here so
much that they want to visit again
someday. They have been to 46 states (!).
When they've seen 50, they want to revisit
the best ones! I told them I believed there
were no coincidences, and that God sent
Steven & Betsy, and now Pete & Jody,to me.
They nodded soberly in agreement. Hope
you can shake your fatigue, have some
coffee. sit in a chair, in the daytime, and
finish the book. Love, Lou
Correction: somberly, not "soberly", bc
they had a few drinks!

 

Gary, woke up at 6am this beautiful, sunny.
late 60s degree day, and saw your
message from yesterday. Thank you for
your kind words to Deb & me. Even though
Deb & I've never met in person, I feel that
I know her. We check on each other
every morning before walking outside,
and before bedtime. These are the hardest
times for me. In a strange way, what gives
me a reason to get out of bed in the
morning, is to "check in" with my growing
number of friends on Grief in Common.
By my count, I have about 10! I believe that if I could visit you in your rural town
in Indiana, & you could visit me in my
small seaside town in Massachusetts,
that we would definitely become friends.
You may be interested in my "talks" with
Deb & George about Jonathan Santlofer's
book. I am so honored, flattered, and
pleased that they got Jonathan's book,
and are reading & commenting on it. O admire your courage and honesty to
mention your 12 step recovery program.
My wife died right before Thanksgiving,
2018. I started drinking more & staying
out late, not sleeping enough, & getting
the flu TWICE. in Oct & Nov, 2019. I became extremely depressed a year after
my wife's death. I had suicidal thoughts,
went to the ER. From there, I went to a small psychiatric unit, voluntarily for 5
nights. I had gone to this same unit right
after Linda died, and I was suffering
from extreme bereavement, loneliness
( she was my best, & only, friend and
family. I knew no one at the time), and
"suicidal ideations". My grief counselor/
therapist called me at the unit this 2nd
time and asked if I would consider
stopping drinking. When I was discharged,
I followed her advice. My last drink was
Nov. 6, 2019. I feel better physically, walk
everywhere, and enjoy nature ( in my
case, the ocean). Now, like you, I have to
work on my mental state, seek calm &
serenity among people, both friends &
strangers. It's an honor to know you. Lou

 

Lou,

When I didn't find an evening message from you, I wasn't that worried because I was hoping it was because you were busy enjoying your night out. I woke up to the sound of rain. The gloomy weather just made me feel like I wanted to pull the covers over my head, and sleep away the day. But, and this is another one of those BIG buts, I thought of Bob, and how more than anything else, I want him to be proud of me, and I knew this wasn't the way to go. I'm determined to keep moving forward in this miserable journey even though I feel like progress is slower than a snail's pace. As I said the other day, sort of like two steps forward, then a step forward, etc., etc., etc., The one main constant in my life is that seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions. I'm rambling, not sure I'm making sense, but as it happened to me last night when I was "talking" to George, the words seem to be almost writing themselves.

This morning I was thankful that my children are happy, each one of them following, and on the way to reaching their dreams, and for my friends... I got up, made my bed right away as always, etc..., etc..., etc...., and came here. When I saw your morning message, read that you had a really nice evening, and met Pete and Jody, I smiled... I don't believe in coincidences either. Just like you, I believe you, and Pete & Jody, were meant to meet. I have a feeling it's going to be the beginning of another wonderful friendship. A definite TBC... BTW, I'm still smiling!!!

I'm also happy George got the book. I hope I finish it soon. Can't wait to "talk" about it with the both of you. I might take you up on your suggestion and send Jonathan an email too. Just a thought, I know it won't happen, but it would be wonderful, if either Jonathan Santlofer or Tom Zuba visited this site and shared some of their thoughts with everyone.

I really needed to smile this morning. I couldn't fall asleep last night, so came here for a little while. When I finally went back to bed, I kept waking up, missing Bob, hugging his pillow, crying... All the memories from that first October weekend getaway Bob and I took together are flooding my mind.... We had the best time ever that weekend, that now seems like a life time ago... We were still in that infatuation stage, where just looking at each other, caused butterflies... We talked about everything, our families, our friends, our dreams in life, etc., etc., etc., We were silly, goofy, like two teens who had a major crush on each other. Everything we did together was new and exciting. It was the beginning of a very beautiful and special love story...

October 11th is also the six month anniversary of Bob's death, making the memories from that first weekend away, even more bittersweet, "happy mixed with sad." (Thank you Robin!) In some ways, it seems like he died yesterday, in other ways, it seems like he's been gone a very long time. I don't know why, but sixth months seems like some sort of a milestone (I don't think this is the right way of expressing this, but am using it for lack of a better word), one that I wish I never had to achieve, total understatement!!!

Stopping here for now. As always, thank you for "listening."

I hope it's another beautiful sunny day by the ocean...

Be back later...

As always, sending you hug, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace. DEB

 

Lou,

P.S. This time, the second one was just my foggy brain... Need more caffeine, total understatement!!!

 

Deb, Thank you for your wonderful reply to me this am. I'm proud of you for getting
out of bed, even though you didn't want to,
on yet another dreary day outside. I wake
up around 6am, whether I feel rested or
not. It is vital that I keep to a regular
sleeping, eating, and walking schedule. I
can always take a half hour nap in the
afternoon. By now, you may have guessed
that I have manic depression, now
popularly known as bipolar disorder. I
feel safe in revealing that here, among
friends, That is another reason I chose
Van Gogh as my user name, bc he had
that as well. The big difference is that he
didn't have the benefits of modern
medicine, medication, and therapy that
I do. There is a book called Touched with
Fire, by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is about
the lives of famous people, with
manic depression, painters, writers,
actors, statesmen, etc. I believe my
creative passion is writing, and the words
just flow out of me. The amazing thing is
that Dr. Jamison has manic depression
herself, and yet is able to write books,
give lectures ( on YouTube, like Tom
Zuba), and help people like ne. There
are many people today, musicians, actors,
and writers who are not ashamed to say
they have manic depression. I would be
so happy if you write to Jonathan. You
could tell him about Grief in Common,
also. He & Tom Zuba may not participate,
but it would be good if they know about
our group. "See you later", Deb. Lou