I am a wreck without my wife

Patti, so glad your vision is improving, it takes time doesn't it? My arm is healing too, but will take time too. I can relate on your BP problem since Jack died. I know the shock of losing our spouse promotes health issues. My system has been out of wack since my Jack died, nothing is moving, if you know what I mean. I'm trying to get back on tract. I don't feel physically good like I used to. It's a great shock to our mental and physical bodies.

You can send over some of your HEAVY DOWNPOURS, to California. Been in a drought for now, 3 years.

I had two old friends come over today and boy did it hit the tears. They loved my Jack, we all were such good friends. It brought back some good memories. They said I looked good and it it easier now, meaning my grief. I said no, they were surprised. I said it's worse. Another surprise on their faces.

It's the void in the house and seeing Jack walk down the hall, working in the garage on his workbench, caring for his garden, even making coffee and starting the fire for us before I wake up that I miss so much.
Thank Patti for reading, Karen

 

Lou,

You did it again. You made me laugh. It feels so good to be able to laugh between all those tears, total understatement!!! I feel like I'm toasted, but in reality, I'm just fried, over the top fried...

Talking about way back when, my first car was a 1961 Ford Falcon. The radio had a mind of it's own. It only worked when I hit bumps in the road. Then it shut itself off. Those were the days when you could pile lots of people into small cars. Better stop here before I really get going.

Don't worry. I won't let Karen Arnold throw you off this site, even though you did make me blush again.

I'm going to veg out, and put my lap top away for the night. Hoping to catch some extra zzz's tonight.

Sleep well. "Talk" tomorrow...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Karen,

Just saw your reply to Patti and had to respond. I'm way too frazzled to write much now, but I'm glad your friends brought back some good memories in spite of the tears. I'm sorry your friends don't have a clue how we really feel. I'm also glad that they haven't had to experience this kind of total heartbreak.

I feel like I've aged ten years since Bob died. Sorry you haven't been feeling well, but I'm glad you're taking the best care of yourself you possibly can.

Stopping here. I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I was just about to charge my phone
and crawl into bed, but you pulled a Godfather III on me & sucked me back in!
I had a 1976 yellow Nova. I learned later
that it was discontinued in South America,
bc NOVA means "No Go", in Spanish. OK,
Deb, if I can't have you, I want a woman
just like you! Lou

 

Hi Karen, thanks for getting back
to me. Our health issues take a lot
of patience. Mohs surgeon told me
it will take a year to heal,
unfortunatly too close to my eye, I
am claimimg it will heal fine as I do
same for your arm too.
Would love to send these rains to
California, we were there so many
years, we lived in the mountains,
had large garden , variety of
fruit trees, we had sheep to graze
the fields, I would rake that which
fell onto the ground, give to them,
they were two spoiled yews. I
always said they earned their keep
grazing. Quite a change from
then to now, I had convinced
myself the choice to move would
help me,it hasn't. I lean on God
heavily each and every day.
"God Will Make A Way" as Don Moen sings.
HE will.
Hugs, Blessings, Karen

 

Where did you live years back in Calif? Jack and I had chickens, two cats and plenty of garden veggies, fruit tree, plenty of eggs to share with neighbors.

Yes they, sheep, did earn their keep. Jack loved goats, but we didn't have any.

Why hasn't the choice to move not help you? Just wondering as I'm thinking I may have to move as the property is large to take care of when I'm very old.

 

Karen, just woke up at midnight, my time.
I'm asleep by 9:30pm, & wake up early to
take advantage of the sunny, 70 degree
days, while they last. It's cooler in the
night now & I have to get under a heavier
blanket for warmth. I was depressed to see
the summer go. I liked seeing my friends
on the Neck, which is our promenade
of shops, cafes, & art galleries. This year, I'm going by bus ( senior rate) to the
nearby larger city , where my PO Box is.
It's good to have a mission. My wife & I
went out to Ca. after we were married
in 1996, & saw some fires & smoke on the
hills during summer. When we returned
home to Massachusetts, it rained a lot, &
Linda said what Patti said. She wanted to
send our rain to your state. Linda was a kind hearted woman, who loved & cared
about me. I felt the same way, in our 25
years of marriage. I hope you will write
to me, Karen. I know I'm busy exchanging
long (!) emails with Deb & Robin, and now
new members , like Gary, George, &
Rick ( about 10 people now (!), but I always
have time for you. You were one of the
1st people I contacted, and I felt bad about
your broken arm, extreme bereavement,
and those awful fires & smoke, which
kept you confined, on top of your
horrible, sad loneliness over the death of
your beloved Jack. It"s been 2 years & 9
months since Linda collapsed & died
right after, from a pulmonary embolism.
it's taken a long time to get that image out
of my head. People tell me it gets better
& that I "look good", but it's still a struggle.
I miss Linda every day, especially when
I wake up in the morning, or from a nap.
My walking & meds at night put me to
sleep right away. I still cry every am before
I walk outside. Please write to me, Karen.
At one point you said you wanted to
move to Oregon. Do you still feel that way?
I do feel better that I moved to this friendly small town 4 months after Linda
died. I didn't know anyone at first, but I
was welcomed by people. when they found out I was a widower. Hope you
liked my long email. I tend to be a
windbag when I write, but never in person. People like me, bc I'm more of a
quiet listener. Well, back to sleep. Hope
you are able to sleep better now. Lou

 

Lou,

Thanks for the smiles... It definitely wasn't one of Chevy's brighter ideas to name that model the Nova, total understatement!!! Speaking of cars, your message reminded me to schedule an appointment to get an oil change. I think I'll try replacing the wiper blades myself, but no way am I attempting an oil change. Never thought I would say this, but YouTube is the best! It's become my go to place to learn how to do all of the small things that Bob once did for us. Sadly, there was a time when I took all those small things Bob either replaced or repaired for granted...

It's another miserable rainy day... I'm so grateful that even though I live in an area surrounded by flood zones, I'm not in one. I wish we could send some of this rain Karen's way where it is so badly needed. I hope you're enjoying another beautiful sunny start to the day.

I want to respond to a post Rick sent me yesterday when I was too fried to "talk," so stopping here for now.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. You made me blush again...

 

Morning, my dear friend, Deb! During
COVID, when men couldn't go to a
barber, I used YouTube to cut my own hair, with mixed results. As you would say,
in your unique sign off: "total
understatement!!!" That cracks me up,
but was not one of Linda's phrases. My
friend, N, and Al, 82, veteran &
widower, asked me if I'd seen L, about
50, her daughter, also L, 18, college
freshman and in Naval ROTC, and the
ever present L, the Rottweiler! I hadn't
& decided to text her, not to ask her for a
date(!), but to see if she was OK. I even
scouted the area in which she lives, but
didn't know which house, & wouldn't
have rudely knocked on her door, if I
did. To be continued.........Lou

 

That is so true to me too. That's why the last few days have been especially hard. I know I need to be strong. She'd want that, I find it so hard to be strong lately. There is such a push and pull on me it takes effort to get up. I am tired. Thanks for listening. I so get how you feel.

 

P.S. L is MARRIED!!Went to her house
& her husband came out! We shook
hands! The confusion was that they
have to sell their house out of state, &
the husband has to go back & forth.
I told him I was relieved, was happy for
them. & would tell N and Al! Lou

 

I am going to try today to get to the library... I'm about ready to try this out stuff. I know I go out all the time. This has been my worst week in a while. Thanks Lou.

 

Thanks to George & Rick. I feel the same.
Lou

 

So sorry you had a bad week, George. I
know the feeling. Sunny October days
improve my mood & I get out every day.
Look forward to your comments about
Jonathan's book. Lou

 

Rick,

From the beginning of 2018 to the day Bob passed away in April, just as you did for Deni, I put my life on hold, to take care of Bob. Bob's medical conditions were so complex, each one had a negative impact on the others in some way, that the only hospital able to address all of his many chronic health issues was anywhere between a one and half to two hour car ride from our house. There were many weeks when he had at least three visits scheduled. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to schedule all of the appointments for the same day. This meant we had to make at least three round trips to the hospital, sometimes on a weekly basis.

Many mornings, I had to wake Bob up at 4:45 a.m., just so we could be out the door and on the road by 7 a.m. He needed help with just about all of his ADL's. He was a very tall person, and had put on lots of weight due to his many chronic illnesses. I'm a much smaller person than he was, making it more difficult to help him. At the time, he had beginning stages of Parkinson's Disease but we didn't know it. It wasn't diagnosed until about a year before he died. Helping Bob get ready was a very slow and long process. It broke my heart every time, seeing my once strong, proud, stoic husband, who everyone else went to when they needed help or advice, struggle just to get his shirt on, eat his breakfast without spilling most of it, etc., etc,, etc., ... We were both exhausted before we even made it out the front door.

Once we finally hit the road, there were always a couple of traffic jams, or an accident that slowed everything down. It was very stressful because if we arrived late, we would have to wait even longer than the usual hour or two after his scheduled appointment time to be seen. In 2018, he was still strong enough that I could double park the car, get his rollator out of the hatchback, and help him get inside the cancer center. He was able to take the elevator to the appropriate floor and check himself in. Parking was always scarce, but it was the one time I was grateful that we had a very small car. (Most of the time I hated it because his rollator weighed over 20 pounds and if I didn't angle it just right, I couldn't get it inside the hatchback.) Lots more I could write about all of those trips to the hospital, but have already written the beginning of a book, so will stop here (for now.) I totally "get" how exhausting and demanding being a full time caregiver is. However, I would do it all over again in a split second for Bob. Bob was the one true love of my life. (I've got a box of tissues in front of me as I'm "talking" to you.)

I'm struggling to find out who I am, now that I'm no longer Bob's full time caregiver. The days seem endless... When Bob first passed away, I couldn't stand being in my house because of the traumatic circumstances surrounding his death, the reason I still can't open the doors to the guest bathroom and bedroom. I would run errands that I didn't need to do, did lots of window shopping with no intention of buying anything, and took as many long walks as I possibly could. (Have to submit this in two parts, it was too long!!)

I'm not originally from where I'm now living, we moved here in the beginning of 2018, made the plans way before we knew how rapidly Bob's health would deteriorate once here. I didn't make friends because my sole focus was taking care of Bob the best that I could. I was stressed to the max, exhausted, fried... Backing up just a bit, I only had one friend who lives several streets away from me to talk to. ( We kept running into each other when I was taking my long walks. One day she asked me how many miles I walk per day, and somehow we got into a really long conversation. Her husband died the year before Bob died. We instantly bonded and have been really good friends ever since. We both believe we were meant to meet, that it didn't just happen by accident.)


Backing way up, my heart goes out to you... I'm so very sorry, once again, there are no words to describe what I

 

Rick,

I guess I set a new record for the longest message. I tried to post it, but got one of those system errors saying it was too long, it cut off the rest of my reply.

 

Having way to many technical problems, sometimes I HATE!!! modern technology, and have already lost my train of thought. I have that widow foggy brain thing going on all of the time. So, I'm going to stop here (for now.)

I hope you have at least a couple of reasons to smile today...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I was just in tears, responding to Rick's post, but and this is another one of those way too BIG buts, you got me to laugh!!! I think as Bob would say, total understatement might be (but I'm not sure) a "Deb original." I remember those days of not being able to get a haircut way more than I wish I did. I wasn't brave enough to cut my own hair, so suffered with it, wanting to put a paper bag over my head every time I left the house. As soon as we could get haircuts again, I made an appointment as fast as I could because the time slots went so quickly. I brought Bob to get his hair cut too. Let's just say, you really wouldn't want me anywhere near you with a pair of scissors in my hand, total understatement!!! I'm glad that you find YouTube useful too, but sorry about the mixed results.

Okay, I think, wait know, I'm overstepping my boundaries here a bit, well maybe more than a bit, but..., are you sure you don't have any feelings for L??? I will be eagerly awaiting your first TBC!!!

Please enjoy the sunshine for all of us stuck in this miserable weather. We've had several thunderstorms already, with more on the way... Just heard another clap of thunder as I'm "talking" to you.

Was going to stop here, but have to tell you one thing first. I did it!!! I wrote my first message (to Rick) that was so l 0 n g!!!, that I got an error message and couldn't send it. It was so frustrating because with this widow foggy brain thing, I forgot what I had written. I need more caffeine ASAP!!

TTYL...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB