I am a wreck without my wife

George,

I'm glad to see you here too. I've been thinking about you, hoping you're okay... I feel like I have that widow foggy brain thing going on daily. I find it hard to focus on things, and have been misplacing things way too often.... I think this is common for so many of us who feel like our hearts half been torn in half.

As always,, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti,

It's so good to see you here. How are you feeling? I hope your vision is improving and your blood pressure is much better. I've been praying for your recovery.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S.S.S. Now I want Italian food for dinner...

 

Hi Deb, thanks, I have missed you, Karen,
Lou, Robin and others. We are getting lots
of rain upstate. This evening, tomorrow's
forecast is for HEAVY DOWNPOURS,
am looking forward to when it's over
so I can be out and about.
At times I wish I'd stayed in
our home, but it is what it is. The
loneliness, lost feeling has been tugging
at my heart, I miss Jack constantly, it
hasn't gotten any easier. He's forever
love of my life.
Vision is slowly improving, believe
BP problem is due to horrible, journey
am on, grief has no time limit. The
7th of Nov. ( month from today)
will be another year since
God called Jack to Heaven.
HE will help us through
our grief.
Blessings, Patti

 

Deb,

I am trying to build a routine to my life again. Before it was about taking Denise to dialysis three days a week, picking her up, and taking her to scheduled doctor visits or procedures. I basically put my hobbies and projects on the back burner so I was always ready and available to help her. Now I have too much time on my hands. And it is too easy to sit in front of the computer or TV and waste an entire day like today. I try to get up, make my bed, wash up, dress, and then feed my cat, Beau, since he will not let me do anything else until that is done. Then I spend 15 minutes staring into the refrigerator trying to decide if I have the energy to cook breakfast, which I usually do not. Since Deni's passing I have wasted so many eggs and a package of bacon because they sat in the refrigerator too long. I don't even have the energy to turn on the electric water pot for coffee. I usually end up eating cereal while sitting in front of the TV trying to decide if I really want to watch anything or not. Unfortunately the TV usually wins. As I said, I put so many things aside that now I can't decide what I want to do first.

I am still trying to deal with her personal effects and clothes. Not going too well in that department. My daughter and one of her friends came over the weekend after Deni's memorial service to help put away her makeup, perfumes, medicines, toothbrush, etc. so I did not have to do it. Then the following weekend they came to help rearrange my office area located in a spare bedroom so I could use my computer. See, that room was where I found her, struggling to get up, and where she died as I tried to revive her with CPR. I still cannot leave the door of this room open at night, but I can at least go into and out of it without staring at the floor where she lay.

I have stripped and washed the bed linens, all her laundry that had not been done, and started bagging up all that stuff in preparation for donation. I think I did Beau a grave disservice because now he cannot smell her anymore and he seems to be deeply depressed. I know he is grieving too, but now more than ever.

Her two sons have spoken for the furniture that belonged to her side of the family. I am okay with that. But they are being slow to act, while I understand why, I need to downsize. It is amazing how much two people accumulate in 35 years. I cannot stay in this big house by myself and the cat. I plan to move to a smaller place close to my daughter's house 45 minutes away. Being with her and near her gives me peace because she is the best thing Denise and I ever created. Only one of stepsons lives here and he has his family and life to live. My oldest stepson lives in SC so we did not get to see them much. My two daughters and son live in MA and until Denise's passing, I was estranged from them for 31 years. But Denise, in her death, fixed that problem despite me. She had tried to fix it before, but I was too stubborn. So in the end, Denise won another argument. LOL. I still have grandchildren and a son-in-law that I have never met, but that is going to be remedied in the very near future.

So I now have time to:
pick up my guitar and start learning how to play
start and finish my online Bible study course
finish my boating license course
complete all the DIY projects I promised Denise I would get to but never did
start using all the workout equipment I bought and never used
take up fishing and camping again
and so on and so on.

All these things would be so much more enjoyable with Denise, but I know she is watching me and supporting me from Heaven above.

One of the most important things I need to do is make a little memorial area for her. Horribly, I have put her urn in the closet until I can deal with it. Not a very loving thing for a husband to do. But I do still talk to her as if she is still sitting in her favorite chair in the living room. You mentioned the time of day that is hardest for you; for me, it is the hours between 4pm to 7pm. That was the time we would discuss dinner and prepare it. We then would share it in front of the TV. She usually would eat a small amount and then would pick up her Kindle and read while I watched TV. And she would usually fall asleep and would be asleep until I would wake her up to go up to bed with me around 10 or 11pm. But we were together.

So, again I have rambled on and on, sharing probably more with you than you wish to know or hear. I apologize for that. But I do know you and I and others on here have a great deal in common as we deal with our grief and loss. I thank you for your kind words and hopefully, I will be able to be more supportive in the future instead of making it all about me.

May the peace of God be with you.

v/r Rick

 

George, feeling sluggish, fatigued, out of it,
and "doltish " is unfortunately part of our
grieving. In The Widower's Notebook,
the author, Jonathan describes coming
out of a NYC subway, and his legs feel
like they're in cement. Were you able to
get his book out of the library? It may
help you, especially since he was a painter
before he was a writer, & has sketches of
his wife, adult daughter, and himself,
throughout the book. Lou

 

Patti, I missed you, & it's good to see you
on here. I know you're following our
threads despite your BP & vision
problems. We're here for you through
your anniversary with Jack. Lou

 

Thank you, Rick. Our emails just crossed.
"Great minds think alike", as I tell my
good friend, Deb, here. You can call me
Lou. Van Gogh was my user name bc he
was a tortured soul, with ups & downs.
His gift & outlet was painting great
works, which I love. My outlet, though
not as creative, is writing. I think you,
Deb, and I could be in a "contest" for the
longest emails, but no one would judge us.
I am so glad you answered Jeff. I used to
"talk " with him, but thought he left the
group. I will reply to him, too. It's a sunny,
70 degree day here , on the North Shore
of Massachusetts, but I can't seem to walk
outside yet, bc of the many messages this
morning. I see by your extensive (!)
"information" that you live in Virginia,
but you have 2 daughters & a son in Ma.
Being a retired Navy man, I hope you live
by the water! Lou


Rick, my heart goes out to you for your
unbearable grief over the death of your
beloved wife and soulmate, Denise. Your
eloquent words to Jeff, brought tears to
my eyes, bc I know only too well the
loneliness and heartache I feel.
My wife, Linda, died suddenly in front of
me, at 68, from a pulmonary embolism.
I had PTSD & suicidal ideations, so I went
to a psychiatric nurse practioner. who
recommended Grief in Common, which
has been a great comfort to me. I check in
with my friends here, Deb (Deb 321) and
Robin (RLC) every morning and every
night, and we help each other. There are
other widows who "drop in" from time to
time. I also just welcomed George
(eyepilot 13) and Gary (Gary 166). As I
did with others here, I highly recommend
The Widower's Notebook, a memoir,
by Jonathan Santlofer. His story about his
long , 40 year marriage to his wife, Joy, is
so like ours. I have his book on my
night table, and reread some of the
chapters. It is an honest, sometimes
funny, portrayal of a marriage. Welcome,
Rick. Lou[/QUOTE]

Hello Lou and thank you for your kind words of support and understanding. Yes I do tend to ramble on when responding to emails. Maybe I should try my hand at writing too. I don't mind reading long emails, but I do get "long winded" trying to respond to things that deserve a reply or response.

I have been working with a grief counselor through the VA, but that is not often enough to help me cope day to day. So I got on here to see if it would help. I must say it has already been a great outlet to talk with others in similar situations. And I also have a psychiatrist for my military disability and she suggested I attend a bereavement group online but that does not start until November. So here I am.

I will look for the book you recommended. I also have a book of prayers for difficult times I gave my wife and now it is helping me as well. She always said her prayers every night and now I find that if I don't, I wake up feeling fatigued. I sleep better when I pray at bedtime. I know religion is not for everyone, but it is working for me.

It is interesting that you live on the North Shore. My first wife and mother of my three children in MA lived in South Weymouth. My children now live in South Weymouth, Easton, and Concord. We also later lived in Newport, RI back in the early 80's.

Myself, however, am originally from a small town northeast of Dallas, Texas. They loved my southern drawl in MA and RI. And yes I do live near the water. I live in Virginia Beach, which my wife's family called home although her dad was career Army. I was stationed in Norfolk when I met Denise. I was also stationed in Batesville, Arkansas; Orlando, FL; and Charleston, SC. I retired in SC.

I am going to try and keep this short, so... thank you again for your welcome, support, and understanding. I will see you on here again, because, like a bad penny, I will return. To quote Arnold, "I'll be back."

v/r Rick

 

Deb, didn't mean to make you blush!!
The fact is that you remind me of Linda in
so many ways. I don't even know what you
look like, except you're on the short side
like me! Linda & I watched "It's a
Wonderful Life" every year. Jimmy
Stewart brought an intensity of emotion
to the role. When he was suicidal on the
bridge, it was quite moving when the
angel, Clarence, showed him what the
world would be like without him. Jimmy
Stewart was a WWII hero, who knew
firsthand what PTSD was like. Linda & I
loved The Godfather also. The 1st one
was our favorite. Long before I met
Linda, I saw it in a packed Boston
movie theater, in the early 1970s, when
it came out. The audience was SILENT (!)
back then, a different world before
cellphones and DVDs. In some ways, I
miss that world. People seemed kinder
& more civil then. I liked the music
themes of the movie, that I went out &
bought a record album with the
soundtrack, to listen to it on my record
player. Boy, do I sound old! BTW, Steven
& Betsy met online & "dated" for years
before they met in person. Steven didn't
get married to Betsy until he was 54, first
marriage for both. My college classmate
on Cape Cod was about the same age
when he got married. Lou

 

Denise and I met after my second divorce and her first (and only) divorce. I was introduced to her by a mutual friend simply because the friend though she needed to meet someone that had come through a messy divorce only to become "the life of the party" anywhere he went. Within 5 minutes of meeting her, I kissed her and we were off to the races. Six months later, we married and never looked back. The last 35 years have been the best years of my life, because I was able to share it with the most beautiful woman with a heart of gold and a soul of pure light. Sure we had our differences, but we never let that stop us from loving one another. And now she is gone and I am trying to learn how to go on without her. But I know she would not want me to unhappy or to give up. She never did and I owe it to her to keep her memory alive not matter how much it hurts.

v/r Rick

 

Hello Lou and thank you for your kind words of support and understanding. Yes I do tend to ramble on when responding to emails. Maybe I should try my hand at writing too. I don't mind reading long emails, but I do get "long winded" trying to respond to things that deserve a reply or response.

I have been working with a grief counselor through the VA, but that is not often enough to help me cope day to day. So I got on here to see if it would help. I must say it has already been a great outlet to talk with others in similar situations. And I also have a psychiatrist for my military disability and she suggested I attend a bereavement group online but that does not start until November. So here I am.

I will look for the book you recommended. I also have a book of prayers for difficult times I gave my wife and now it is helping me as well. She always said her prayers every night and now I find that if I don't, I wake up feeling fatigued. I sleep better when I pray at bedtime. I know religion is not for everyone, but it is working for me.

It is interesting that you live on the North Shore. My first wife and mother of my three children in MA lived in South Weymouth. My children now live in South Weymouth, Easton, and Concord. We also later lived in Newport, RI back in the early 80's.

Myself, however, am originally from a small town northeast of Dallas, Texas. They loved my southern drawl in MA and RI. And yes I do live near the water. I live in Virginia Beach, which my wife's family called home although her dad was career Army. I was stationed in Norfolk when I met Denise. I was also stationed in Batesville, Arkansas; Orlando, FL; and Charleston, SC. I retired in SC.

I am going to try and keep this short, so... thank you again for your welcome, support, and understanding. I will see you on here again, because, like a bad penny, I will return. To quote Arnold, "I'll be back."

v/r Rick[/QUOTE]

Rick, I LOVE your long emails, and like to
write them myself. Thank you for your
service in the Navy. During the Vietnam
war, I had a high draft lottery number,
so I didn't have to face the terrible
choice between being in the jungle
over there. or enlisting in one of the
Armed Services. When I moved to my
friendly small town 4 months after Linda's
death, I walked into the American Legion
for an open house coffee. I was nervous
bc I was the only non veteran. I walked
over to the oldest guy, Roger, 93, a
Korean War Navy veteran, & told him I
had not been in the service. He told me
to sit down at his table and have coffee.
He revealed the sad story that his wife
of 67 years had recently died as a result
of dementia. Roger & I developed an
immediate bond. His belief in God, like
mine, and a good sense of humor, like
mine, cemented our friendship, and I
enjoy talking with him every Sat morning.
I was born & raised in Plymouth & went
to Cape Cod as a boy. Linda grew up in
Gloucester. Both of us loved the ocean, so
when we retired, we moved to Cape Ann,
which includes Rockport & Gloucester. A
lot of tourists come from all over the
country. I've found that people from
the South & from the Midwest, are very
friendly. I like the Texas accent, too! Lou

 

Rick, I LOVE your long emails, and like to
write them myself. Thank you for your
service in the Navy. During the Vietnam
war, I had a high draft lottery number,
so I didn't have to face the terrible
choice between being in the jungle
over there. or enlisting in one of the
Armed Services. When I moved to my
friendly small town 4 months after Linda's
death, I walked into the American Legion
for an open house coffee. I was nervous
bc I was the only non veteran. I walked
over to the oldest guy, Roger, 93, a
Korean War Navy veteran, & told him I
had not been in the service. He told me
to sit down at his table and have coffee.
He revealed the sad story that his wife
of 67 years had recently died as a result
of dementia. Roger & I developed an
immediate bond. His belief in God, like
mine, and a good sense of humor, like
mine, cemented our friendship, and I
enjoy talking with him every Sat morning.
I was born & raised in Plymouth & went
to Cape Cod as a boy. Linda grew up in
Gloucester. Both of us loved the ocean, so
when we retired, we moved to Cape Ann,
which includes Rockport & Gloucester. A
lot of tourists come from all over the
country. I've found that people from
the South & from the Midwest, are very
friendly. I like the Texas accent, too! Lou
[/QUOTE]

Lou,

I served because I felt it was my duty to protect this great country we live in, despite what people may say now. So really, for me, not thanks is necessary. Speaking of the draft numbers, when I was about 13, my birth date was the first number pulled in the lottery. My mother cried she was so happy I wasn't old enough to go. But I would have gone without a thought, even at that early age. By the time I was old enough, the draft had stopped and we were in the age of the new volunteer forces.

I was never in Vietnam but I am considered a Vietnam Era Veteran. I was involved in the Persian Gulf War and also spent a few months off the coast of Lebanon during the mid 70s and most of the 80s.

I am also a member of the American Legion and the Disabled American Veterans (DAV). I am not as active as I should be, especially considering I am a Lifetime Member of the DAV. I need to find a Legion hall here in VA since I belong to the one in my hometown back in Texas. I am glad you got such a warm welcome from Roger. Most Legionnaires are like that.

I have only been to the Cape twice, once on my first honeymoon and again on our second honeymoon. Long story there, but not ready to get into that part of my personal history.

I was taught to always be friendly and sociable. And Texans are both. Sometimes loud and obnoxious, but friendly. LOL. I don't think I still have my drawl, but my friend who I had not spoken with since 1985, told me the other day, that I still sounded just like I did when I first met him in 1975 when I reported to my first ship.

Well, time to get off here and feed Beau. He is about ready to attack me for making him wait all of 30 minutes. Damn cat...LOL

Take care and be safe.

v/r Rick

 

Patti,

I'm glad to hear your vision is slowly improving, but so sorry you're struggling so much... Reading your response makes me teary eyed... I know how bad the pain is, the total heartbreak you're feeling.... Bob will always be the love of my life, the way Jack will always be the love of your life... I know this doesn't help, but I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug...

This month is very difficult for me. Bob and I went on our first getaway on October 11th. October 11th is also the 6th month anniversary of his death. Our wedding anniversary would have been at the end October. I will be with you in spirit on November 7th. I can't imagine how difficult this day will be for you (yet.) The one year anniversary of Bob's death will be April 11th. Sadly, he died three days after my oldest son's birthday, and 17 days before my younger son's birthday. Backing up just a bit, then there are the holidays... but, I'm stopping here for now. Too difficult to "talk" about."

I know I can't take away any of your pain, but I understand, the way only those of us who have experienced it, can understand,the total heartbreak of losing someone who you loved, still love, with all your heart.

I hope tomorrow is the last day of miserable weather for you, that you'll be able to get out of the house soon. Somehow the sun always makes even the worst days a bit better.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Thank you Lou, I haven't been
following threads as I would
prefer to do, has Karen been on
lately, hope she's doing better, I
been keeping her in my prayers.
HEAVY RAINS forecast
tonight and tomorrow,
missing out on my walks, I do
use the gymn twice a day where
I reside, not the same as enjoying
the outdoors.
Blessings, Patti

 

Rick,

No need to ever apologize for rambling!!! I find it helps just to put my feelings into words, to know others are "listening," and understand how I'm feeling. No need to feel like you need to be more supportive either. You are helping me, others too, more than you know, just by sharing your feelings with us. Although I wish no one had to be on this miserable journey, it is a little bit less lonely knowing that all of us are in this together.

I can relate to so much of what you just said. I want to respond to you in detail, but am way too fried too do so now. If I tried, I doubt I would make any sense. I will be back to "talk" to you, when I'm a bit less frazzled. Until then, just know that I'm thinking about you, and wish so much there was something I could do that would make this miserable journey a little easier for you.

I know I've said this before, but I am so glad you're here. The friends I've made on this site have helped me more than I ever thought possible. I hope this will be true for you too.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

I served because I felt it was my duty to protect this great country we live in, despite what people may say now. So really, for me, not thanks is necessary. Speaking of the draft numbers, when I was about 13, my birth date was the first number pulled in the lottery. My mother cried she was so happy I wasn't old enough to go. But I would have gone without a thought, even at that early age. By the time I was old enough, the draft had stopped and we were in the age of the new volunteer forces.

I was never in Vietnam but I am considered a Vietnam Era Veteran. I was involved in the Persian Gulf War and also spent a few months off the coast of Lebanon during the mid 70s and most of the 80s.

I am also a member of the American Legion and the Disabled American Veterans (DAV). I am not as active as I should be, especially considering I am a Lifetime Member of the DAV. I need to find a Legion hall here in VA since I belong to the one in my hometown back in Texas. I am glad you got such a warm welcome from Roger. Most Legionnaires are like that.

I have only been to the Cape twice, once on my first honeymoon and again on our second honeymoon. Long story there, but not ready to get into that part of my personal history.

I was taught to always be friendly and sociable. And Texans are both. Sometimes loud and obnoxious, but friendly. LOL. I don't think I still have my drawl, but my friend who I had not spoken with since 1985, told me the other day, that I still sounded just like I did when I first met him in 1975 when I reported to my first ship.

Well, time to get off here and feed Beau. He is about ready to attack me for making him wait all of 30 minutes. Damn cat...LOL

Take care and be safe.

v/r Rick[/QUOTE]

Patti, I did see Karen on here & she sounded in better spirits, after being
very depressed about her trip ( with her
daughter) which was a big trigger for her.
I asked how her arm was, but never saw a
reply. By my count, I'm emailing with
about TEN ( !) people, equal in number
between men & women. I have to take
breaks, as Deb will tell you ! Lou

 

Sorry you're "fried", or is it "toasted", Deb.
As I just told Patti, I'm talking with about
TEN ( !) people here now, both men women. I got so involved that I didn't get
out of my apartment until 2 pm today,
even though it was beautiful outside. I
think you, Rick, and I should get prizes
for the longest emails!!! Robin could be
a runner up. I'm hoping to relax tonight,
but I may need to take a peek at the
messages here, like I did way back, when I had a phone answering machine. There I
go, sounding old again! Lou

 

Lou,

Bob loved, and I still love "It's A Wonderful Life." It is my very favorite Christmas movie. It is one of the few movies I look forward to watching over and over again. No matter how many times I watch it, I cry... Bob used to keep handing me tissue after tissue... The Godfather is another one of those all time great movies. Bob and I like the first one the best too.

You just made me laugh. As I always say, we're only as old as we feel. I can totally relate to, and agree with everything you just said.

I love the story about how Steven and Betsy met!!! As much as I hate how impersonal our world has become, modern technology is good in certain ways. If it wasn't for the internet, Steven and Betsy never would have found each other, this site wouldn't exist, and you and I never would have become such good friends.

As I told Rick a little while ago, I'm totally toasted (sorry, this word just seemed to type itself). So, this is a short one. I'm smiling now, because Bob would have something really funny to say about this, total understatement!!!

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Rick, you're a fun guy. I think we would
be good friends. At the risk of bringing
politics onto this site, I believe that I'm
a "Patriot" who loves this country, as
my wife, Linda, did. I do appreciate your
service, bc you went above & beyond, and
weren't forced to. All the guys at the
local Legion are a friendly, fun bunch,
who like to kid each other. I was too
sensitive at first bc I took everything
personally. In Tom Zuba's YouTube
lectures, & in his book, Permission to
Mourn, he says to take NOTHING
personally. Lou

 

Deb, just finished "talking" with my new
friend, Rick, & I saw that you've been having long "talks" with him, too. I told
him, ( or was it you?, that the 3 of us
should get prizes for the longest emails)!!!
Robin could be a runner up! I agreed with
every word you said, Deb. You may have
to blush again, bc I really love you, and
don't want to be thrown off this site! Lou