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I am a wreck without my wife

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by RickB, Oct 5, 2021.

  1. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    I like jazz but mostly the electric and electronic types. I love it when jazz improvisation gets mixed up in genres and ambient soundscapes. Music is one of the few things I still like! But only sometimes!
     
  2. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    I seem to be stuck on a couple cd's LOL. Two I got you's are Leonard Cohen's Dance Me To The End of Time, and Kate Wolves Green eyes. https://video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/...a4b6cfd6e26a574a9c04196f0f2f5467&action=click
    Green eyes was "our song". The poet in my loves the lyrics (poetry of songs). I had a horrible first marriage. What Tom and I had was wonderful. I met Tom at USM there were 6 of us that made a nice group of friends, Tom was the only guy but was such a wonderful friend to all of us. That was all we were, Tom was always a gentleman, just a kind wonderful person. Not hard to be a friend with. Somewhere along the line our hearts and heads must have made up their minds. I was not looking for anyone. In fact, I was still living with my ex for the sake of our kids, so in my mind, I was married and certainly not looking. I believe you end one thing before beginning another. Still, I felt I had a very good friend in Tom I never felt I was an exception. Just a fellow student. Bill and I no longer acted like a couple we lived in the same space sleeping separately. He had done the unforgivable thing I wont move into here. Yet because I had no place to go I was there. We had agreed to my going to college and continued to counsel. This had been going on for 7 years. I thought getting my degree was the way to go so when I did divorce Bill___but an art degree does not do that kind of job reality. So I learned. I did not want to teach. I would just return to our home and figured life out. But fate? Popped in. God or cupid! We had been working in the printmaking lab, and Tom was doing lithos on the press bed. He had forgotten to take off his watch and the acid wash was getting under it and burning. So he tossed it over to the table knocking his coffee over onto our friend Nancy's newsprints of her work. Not a really big deal as they were not originals. Thomas being Thomas was beside himself! He felt so bad. The next day he was talking to the processor a friend to him also being older than other students this can happen. My roommate bounces up and said to Tom "I heard about your hissy fit last night!" It was just Tom apologizing. This embarrassed him and so he call me very upset! I became so upset that he was upset with me. It was also something I would not talk about to anyone. I had also been practicing how to say goodby as it graduation was on us. We were doing finals. I thought I can tell this lovely man I love who you are, may your life be great___something like that. But what I said was. "But Thomas! I wouldn't say anything to anyone I love who you are too much!" There was a silence on the phone and he said, "I love you too!" If there had been a hole in the floor I would have dropped in. I then said, "Look I need to end this marriage before can have another." We can keep in contact, and once I am on my own we can date___. Three years later we did marry. It was shocking too. Thomas walked up to me one day after and took my face in his hands and said, "I love who you are! And gave me a kiss so soft, it melted me. No one had ever loved me as he did.
     
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  3. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    Thomas was very focused on his pension so I would be well taken care of. I think he felt he would not live as long as I would. A valve replacement last just so long...and his lungs did that too. We both understood this. You sort of brace for things when you know death will happen at some point. I think you mourn too. And you live life as fully as you can. My preparation to get Anisette Studios off the ground was a part of this. So when Tom did die, I would have an art studio and have more income. Knowing of course did not make it easier. There was relief that I did not see him die in a worse way. His heart just stopped. It could have been awful with him in the hospital___. And all else that happens there. I feel he died in a better way. I was there with him.
     
  4. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    My roommate had talked to Nancy is how Linda knew. Linda being someone who liked to tease and was loud at it...full of energy etc. Did not know Tom better and that her teasing him in this way was embarrassing. There is a funny story about me doing Linda in at one point. We kept getting calls and whoever would hang up! Maddening! So I thought I would be funny! I put a message on the phone that was a bit of a poem. "Please leave a message! I have hooked up the cat! If you don't leave a message! Splat! Splat! Splat! I do like cats! Well, Linda was getting flack, and WTF's.... I had not known she was receiving calls from professors as she was doing something for them. Models or something.... She came bounding up saying that the message was not funny that I needed to take it off asp! If I had known I would not have done this. But it still seemed funny!
     
  5. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    Yes! One of my all time favs!

    Thanks for sharing your story! I really think it helps getting to hear others and what they go through. I wrote down a lot of stuff when Valerie was dying. At somepoint I plan on reading it again, but not now. I'd love to type some of it up and post it. If I ever get the motivation! !
     
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  6. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    Tom did lithos of Jazz musicians. I like blues, and of the electronic stuff. I like the old stuff. Mostly a sexy saxophone. I love classical music too. All kinds. I bought a digetnow player to enjoy the music, Tom's whole setup felt intimidating. LOL
     
  7. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    It feels cathartic to write. Well, I think a mental break and may do some domestic stuff. I usually say domestic shit. Laundry must be done and so too dishes etc. Once the dishes are done I can wash my hair! LOL Ah life! May yours be brighter all the time!
     
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  8. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    I hope, off to dialysis in an hour! Hope I can read there today... Take care!
     
  9. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    I hope you are able to read. Best wishes! May it go____I have no clue about dialysis. May it go well.
     
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  10. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    Well, I read all of the Writers Notebook today. I will re-read. This book has so much to offer. So much to identify with. It made me cry but I am feeling a release too. Something is shifting in my gut. It feels good. I will buy a hard copy too. I think I will get a copy for my daughter too. She felt Thomas was a great Dad to her and Grampy to the kids. The last one is Oliver Thomas. He is 5. Daniel has made Jacobie a Grammy and me a Great Grammy, he and Brianna had little miss Harper. Alexander is 15 and is here with Grammy. Then my Emma is 7 the only girl. apple of Tom's eye! And then Oliver a very rugged all boy, boy. Emma all girl.

    I have two other kids Clairissa and Stephen. I will talk later about them. Let's put it this way Clair was her father's best advocate and Stephen did what Clair did because they were like twins. Bill created so much estrangement and confusion with these two. Cliar is in my life but its not like I wanted it to be. Steph is simply working and busy. Clair has Miss Karleigh a pretty girl. Do not see them much.
     
  11. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    Clair and her family, Stephen did not come to the funeral. After saying she would. Nothing from Stephen.
     
  12. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    Basically I have to sit in an uncomfortable recliner for four hours connected to needles to a machine to clean the blood. At least I got into reading for some of the time last night.
    Thank you!
    Dialysis is me sitting in an uncomfortable recliner for 4 hours with needles in my arm hooked up to a snarling thumping machine! In harsh bright lighting and it's usually freezing! At least I DID get into reading for half the time. The rest is just sitting there thinking too much! It is interesting to note the dynamics between the deceased and others. My son has a LOT of issues with his mother...
     
  13. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    How long do you have to do Dialysis? That's for kidneys____ Gee whiz! What are you reading? Do you have to be in a chilly room? Can they give you a cover or can you bring one? Yes, it is interesting to not dynamics between the living and dead. I am thinking of my father especially. Not a good relationship due to his words and actions. As well as a lack of them. The past___hurts and disappointments. It's hard when people cause you pain. Often you can't get to the answers of why they do as they do. So that means your taking your best guess. We all end up with these beliefs about others. The thing is they are responsible for their own words and actions. Whatever relationship we want, we do have a responsibility towards it, of what we want it to be. It seems to boil down to doing our best. If you can't change a belief someone has____ I spent a long time with my two younger kids believing as they have what stemmed from the things the ex said to them about me. He created a lot of estrangement. He has Borderline Personality Disorder, an angry man____. He made things miserable alright. But I survived. I have thought a great deal about what it is to be human...why we do as we do. Thomas and I would talk about it.
     
  14. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    It's for four hours three times a week and they have these ineffectual sheets but my arms need to be uncovered for the needles and blood pressure cuff. I try to huddle inside a winter weight hooded sweatshirt! I'm reading Great Expectations... going back to my English Lit past! I have so much trouble with angry people. Valerie had a temper... when she was mad at me the worst feeling in the world; until now that is. Her temper is why my son 'hates' her. They were like fire and oil. Now other than on here I don't have anybody to share my grief with. My son just goes "you wont get any sympathy from me'... and I say I didn't ask for any. It seems like no one cares but me. I know this is a distortion but it still upsets a lot. I'm a total mess today!
     
  15. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    No fun feeling alone and unsupported. I have one out of three children who support me. Your son's feelings are his. I learned not to own how my kids feel about me. I had to let go of that too. My first husband was a very angry person. My first angry and hurt person was my mother. And Dad___ When I met Thomas and his folks my life changed to a really good life! I broke free and yet for years ended up dealing with the results of them, the ex who remained a part of their lives. I moved away and no one reached out to me. I have a brother but nothing since I divorce Bill who was an abusive person.

    Great, I am working on reading the Classics as well! Or listening to them via the kindle and audible. It helps me to rest at night. Gives my mind something to think about. I downloaded a number of these books. English Lit! Love it! I bit the bullet today and emailed Stone Coast about their MFA in Writing, told them of my writing project for Shibui Found Image Art I have developed since 2011 to be used as an original art form or art therapy tool. I am telling myself this will help me. I am concerned with getting broad-sided by grief. But I think I will be ok now I understand it better. Being over 65 tuition is paid for.

    Thank goodness there is this group. I took up pen palling to have conversations. It's hard to get out these days. But won't get into Covid only to say it's a scary world.

    How old is your son? Seems he is angry at you as well? There was a time when Jacobie was upset I did not leave Bill. Leaving someone is complex. Did you ever figure out what made your wife feel so angry, she struck out as she did? I made discoveries about Bill, and asked a counselor this question after she had diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder, forays into verbal abuse, and physical threatening, Narcissistic and sadistic tendencies. What ended it for me was two accounts of marital rape which was something you can not explain to children. This counselor helped me understand my experience with Bill. I went to my parents and they told me there was no room in their home for me and the kids, I went to my brother and he said It took two to tango and he loved Bill like a brother. I was alone. No one called or came, my father, did I feel to learn more so he could make something out of what he learned to gain attention for himself. So after several years of depression, I learned to live again in better and new ways. Perhaps this experience helps with this one. The two younger chose to live with Dad he had told them life was not living without them____ They thought I would come back. I finally told Clair of my experience so she would know my side of things, telling her she was not a child anymore, but why it was hard to go up there where she lives. I have little desire to go "north". It may be that Clair has the same thing Bill does. So when she said she was coming and then did not to the funeral. It hurt but was not a total surprise, she did not come to the wedding either. Life is full of such bull shit is it not? My counselor told me to be all I could be and live life. Stephen just works, Bill engineered turning the house over into Stephens name, so he has that responsibility and that of his father. Has no one but Dad. Never comes or calls. I can message him on the phone. To see the kids meant going back to Bills. I can do Clair's now. But she lives in my old home. Instead of me and my brother inheriting it, my father gave it to Clair, Bill helped that happen. The thing is it wasn't anything I wanted it was so unhappy there. For most of my life, I was to have a necklace and my brother the house and land. Then Mom talked of splitting it___so we both had it.

    My father screwed up my mother's funeral, but before that, he added in her death I feel by not getting her timely help. He waited all morning before calling up to my ex's and then told him or Clair I think that, "you know how your grandmother was before? Well, she has been doing that all morning, I don't think we will be up for dinner." The last "thing" was a stroke! They began their day about 6:30 most days. Dad did the wood stoves and then made coffee taking some ti Mom. She died of a hemorrhagic stroke after surviving another type. I made it a 3-hour drive to the hospital before she died. I sat with her he never went close. I could not go to his funeral. Mom's was a nightmare, what I and the girl's plan could not happen. They did not wait for us to come. I had spent a long time writing a nice eulogy. Dad changed the date so none of her living sisters and other family members made it.

    I would be alone if it were not for Jacobie and her family. Jacobie was older and she too went through Bill's abuse. She loved Thomas and he loved her. Because he was a real father to her. She wants to blend our ashes together LOL!
     
  16. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member

    Well got a call from Stone Coast and will be getting an email, one suggestion made was to join Maine writers and publishers Alliance. I have heard of them. They have workshops etc. I signed up for one on the 23rd.
     
  17. Pejj

    Pejj Active Member