I’ve Never Felt So Much Pain In My Life

My son did house painting with my husband. He was working on the walls on the interior of a home. I went by to keep him company for a while one evening on my way to church. Before I left for church I asked our son, Shawn, if he would like me to come back after church to keep him company. He said, "That's up to you. But even when you're not here, you're always with me." It is the same now for us: even when they are not here, they are always with us. They take up a big part of our heart, don't they?

 

Lowell, I just want to say I care about you and I hope you are safe. Getting through your son's birthday must have been really tough. It's tough always I think, but now you are still reeling from the shock and trauma. This is not just grief, it's traumatic grief and I am worried about you at the moment. I hope you can find some professional support because sometimes it's too much to carry on our own or even within a family. There are things like EMDR for traumatic loss which could help you even just a little bit with the intense load of everything. Bereaving after suicide is extremely painful. I am living it too. That's why I'm going to go to a support group soon with people in the same boat who understand. Support of other grievers is really precious.

Please keep reaching out. We will listen here.

 

Hi, Lowell.
I hope you are still receiving the support you need from your family. I believe God spared your life through them.
I had a friend who told me she didn't remember anything that happened to her for the first month after her son's suicide, so I can see why you didn't realize exactly what was happening with you.

 

This stuff is so hard to deal with. I lost my daughter in law in the same way 3 months ago. As you say, A pain like never before, but mine is more so for my daughter....she was married to a woman to avoid confusion....and trying to support her thru this absolute landmine situation. It's all so exhausting and I'm v grateful to have found this site. I wish you well. I hope we all find what we need to help ourselves and each other. Blessings.

 

I’m sorry for your loss as well, these tragedies that happen in our life will never bring us back to who we were before. It’s been 7 months for my loss to my son and I still have a hard time talking about it. I have had a long wild 7 months and it feels like when things look up something else happens and kicks me back down. All you can do is love your daughter and let her know your there for her. She may push you away but keep trying. My daughter is going through a tough time too, she was my sons best friend. It’s a change in life that is hard to put back together. Sometimes I feel upset at my son for what he has put all of us through but I’m sure you have read some books on this behavior. So I’ll pray for you and your family, and I just started accepting GOD again. But I know now that without GOD in my life it’s not going to get better for me. So goodbye for now and I am available to talk if you want some companionship through this painful tragedy we are both going through.

 

Thanks for your reply. Some days anger is way up there. How can it not be when a bomb has been dropped in your lives, one you never wanted or expected and had no idea how to deal with. But I do when I can try and recognize the positives I can see coming thru this awfu situation, and I don't say that glibly. My daughter and I have become closer than ever before and she is now a much more understanding person. We cry, laugh and love together, and it's nice when I get her to myself after all these years, so there is some light creeping in there. But it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and sometimes I just wish it would all go away. Grief is exhausting. The whole thing is exhausting and like you I pray a lot and am seeing tiny miracles....my daughter came to visit me last week for the first time since the funeral and I'm 200 miles away, so that was huge fir her. That gave her confidence a boost and she sent a picture today where she's out with a friend at a flower show. She looks so happy and that's worth it's weight in gold. I pray for us all. We are amazing to still be standing, all of us, and it's nice to connect with someone who understands.