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I’m feeling very alone,

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Matt71, Jul 8, 2021.

  1. Matt71

    Matt71 Member

    Need communication
     
  2. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I lost my husband last Nov 2020 to cancer. This forum has been my support all these months just to know I'm not alone dealing with this awful time of emotions and grieving.

    We're here for you.
     
    Matt71 likes this.
  3. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. My husband died April 11, 2021. Almost as soon as we moved, his health rapidly declined. I became his full time caregiver. I spent all of my time and energy taking care of him. I was exhausted 24/7. I didn't have the time or desire to make new friends. (I'm fortunate because I have some very caring, wonderful neighbors, but it isn't the same as having close friends nearby.) Since his death, I'm not only alone, but lonely. Although everyone's grief journey is unique, loneliness is something we all have in common.

    In order to feel less lonely, I make a list of things I want to accomplish every day. There are times when even though I'm lonely, I need to be alone. Grieving zaps all of my energy, leaving me both physically and emotionally exhausted. I need to let myself feel the pain, curl up on the couch, and just cry... On days like this, my list will only have very simple tasks on it, such as getting out of bed, washing up, and getting dressed. On days when I'm not quite as physically and mentally drained, my list might include going going grocery shopping, weeding the yard, and calling a friend from "home." Most days (even when all I want to do is curl up on the couch and cry), I take a long walk after breakfast. Fresh air and exercise, along with adding structure to my day, usually makes me feel a bit better, a little less lonely.

    Grieving is hard work. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself the best you can. Try to eat healthy foods and get enough rest.

    I'm sorry you had to find this site, but I'm glad you did. Although we can't take away any of your pain, I hope you find some small comfort in knowing that we understand the heartbreak you're experiencing. You are not alone. Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.
     
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  4. Matt71

    Matt71 Member

     
  5. Matt71

    Matt71 Member

    Thank you so much for sharing, tips are good I will try to use some to help. i find with loneliness a feeling of dispare and anxiety. Any helpful thoughts if these are things you come across?
     
  6. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    When my husband first became sick in 2015 (he didn't get a correct diagnosis until right before Thanksgiving in 2016), he was still able to work. He had some physical issues, so I had to help him with some of his ADL's, but for the most part, he could take care of himself. However, I was very concerned about his health. I had a feeling that there was something really wrong before he got the correct diagnosis. I was worried, scared and depressed. I found that intense aerobic exercise worked wonders for me. I used to run about 5 miles/day, take spinning and HIIT classes at a local gym. After one of my classes or a good run, I felt so much better. I was calm, could think clearly, and slept really well. As my husband's health continued to get worse, I spent more time taking care of him and less time taking care of myself. We moved in the beginning of 2018, and that's when his health began a fast downward spiral. I became his full time caregiver and neglected my own needs. I also have some health issues, and could no longer run or do any sort of intense HIIT workouts. I went from working out all the time, to not working out at all. I'm starting to get off track, so backing up a bit, intense physical exercise made me feel so much better. I was still worried, scared, and depressed, but the feelings were much more manageable, much more watered down. (I find that while walking helps, it doesn't help me as much as really intense exercise did.)

    My husband and I were together for 35 years. I need to rediscover who I am without him. When I'm ready, I want to volunteer at an animal shelter. I also want to volunteer at a food bank. This will give me a purpose, and add more structure to my life. I recently joined a bereavement support group that meets once a week. I went to the first meeting last week. I found it to be a very supportive and caring environment. I think the more things I do on the days I feel up to it, the better I'll eventually feel. It's just that right now, I'm not ready to commit to anything beyond going to the weekly bereavement group.

    My husband didn't want to die. No matter how much pain he was in, he found something to be grateful for every day. He is the reason I get out of bed on those mornings when all I want to do is pull the covers over my head, try to sleep, and escape from feeling anything at all. I want him to be proud of me. I know he would want me to be happy (although I don't know if this is possible), to live my life to the fullest, not just exist. I'm sure your wife would want this for you too. I start each day by finding something to be grateful for, even if the only thing I can think of is that the sun is out. I pray for strength and peace, not just for myself, but for all of us.

    I'm not sure if I added much to what I said previously, but these are the things that are helping me get through this. I hope at least one of these things helps you too. Sending more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace.
     
  7. Matt71

    Matt71 Member

    Ya
     
  8. Matt71

    Matt71 Member

    Thanks for that, I thought I would confirm my loss. I lost a stepson to an overdose 6months ago. Just very recent separation from my spouse.
    I felt I should say this I’m new to this.
    I’m an just starting to do a little exercise , with some support from my son. I’m sure there is nothing but time help heart pain, but that combined with feeling being alone is devastating to me
     
  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Matt, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve read through your posts and feel your pain. The loneliness , despair and anxiety sadly are all common when we lose a loved one. Loneliness is huge and debilitating for most, if not all of us. But there’s a large community of people on this site that reach out and try to help each other as we all struggle with the new lives that have been thrown at us. As others have said, fresh air is so helpful. Even to just step outside and take in some deep breathes. I see you have a dog, there’s a good reason to get outside and play or watch him/her. I also do breathing exercises when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. They have helped me a lot. I’ve also taken cbd oil. I hope you have family and friends offering support and definitely talk about your loved one and share memories. Talking about them is so important even though so many of the people trying to support us think they shouldn’t talk of them.
    I lost my wonderful husband very suddenly to a massive heart attack. He was taken from our beautiful life in 2 hours. Married 41 years, we were together 24/7. We ran a business together that I had to empty and close. We were each other’s everything. I’ve never lived alone, I felt scared and so lonely. That was 2 1/2 years ago. I miss him every minute of every day. I can’t say if time heals but Ive found that it has made me stronger. I think we all find that out. Because when we lose someone we love so much we think we can’t last even a minute. But we push on and continue to love and honor those we’ve lost. I still want Ron to be proud in his wife. He is my reason for continuing on.
    Keep pushing forward to better days.
     
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  10. Matt71

    Matt71 Member

    Ty for sharing with me your story and some helpful tips, my thoughts are all over the place from pain , anxiety, to questioning my existence, very very difficult for me to deal.
     
  11. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You’re welcome. I understand your pain and what your mind set has become. I know it’s difficult to even believe. I’ve been there, and know it’s a difficult place to be. Like a never ending nightmare. But my loss isn’t as resent as yours and I wanted to share that although I miss Ron more then words can express, I am doing better. We all feel some better at our own pace and it happens without even realizing. Some positive thoughts for you.
     
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  12. Matt71

    Matt71 Member

    Ty for your kind words
     
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  13. Matt71

    Matt71 Member

    Ty
     
  14. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Matt, it's been 8 months now since, Jack died. Looking back and present I feel grief has many faces, always changing and always there within us. For me I never know how I will feel from day to day. Grief lives with me as much as I try to stop it, nothing works and I hate it. We just have to ride with the waves and try every day to do something that helps us get through the day.

    For me it's Jack's cat. This may sound crazy, but he's the reason I get out of bed. He was Jack's buddy, they were glued together. His name is Rambo age 15, had him from a baby kitten and he took to Jack right away. I think it was Jack's white beard that Rambo loved. Rambo has lost weight and has been going through his grief if you can imagine a cat having feeling like that. Rambo had to learn I'm his buddy now, he won't let me out of his sight. Rambo knew Jack was very sick with Hospice when I put him on Jack's bed he went up to Jack and sniffed his cheek, then ran away. He knew.

    Thanks for reading my cat story. Remember you won't stay in your present grief forever, it will change in waves. Life has a way of moving us on in time. I feel blessed to have loved my Jack and looking forward to being with him in heaven together again. As my past friend once told me when she was having health problems "Keep Upright", meaning don't fall. So I pass that on to you Matt, keep upright and blessings to you.
     
  15. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry I misunderstood you. Although the type of losses we've experienced are different, and everyone's grief journey is unique, some of us use similar coping mechanisms to try to help ease the all encompassing pain. I'm glad your son is supportive, and you're beginning to exercise. I hope exercise helps you, the way it helps me. Sending more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace.
     
  16. Matt71

    Matt71 Member

    Ease encompassing pain is exactly right thank you for your thoughts
     
  17. DonCon20

    DonCon20 Well-Known Member

    I can understand about the cat. My husband’s dog Gizzy lays around with his eyes open and does not move for awhile. He moans and groans. He is on medication but not his daddy. My husband fell in his man cave in June. He passed 3 weeks ago. The dog rolls around where he fell. Yes, our fur buddies face loss as well.
     
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  18. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

     
  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Good morning, Don Con. Glad to see you
    talking with Karen (cjpines). The 2 of you
    are my most consistent correspondents. As
    I told Karen, although Grief in Common is
    "Support for people who understand", it
    is also dredging up memories of Linda.
    We were inseparable for 25 years until
    I could no longer see her at night, both
    at the hospital and at the rehab./ nursing
    home. Even though it's irrational, I'm
    crying a lot this am, bc I felt I abandoned
    her at night, so I could selfishly sleep in
    my bed at home. I need to get outside,
    walk, see nature, and then, talk & even
    laugh with my friends. God Bless you
    for lifting me up, despite your own
    unbearable pain. Our spouses wanted
    us to be happy. Linda made me promise,
    when she became ill. Lou
     
  20. DonCon20

    DonCon20 Well-Known Member

    Yes, you do. My honeybear was for many years in an out of hospitals, rehab, therapy and me along side if him. I too needed just 7 hours sleep. My bed. In order to be there for another your body must have regeneration. When awake, I was on after a cup of coffee. It is a special gift to give to another time and care. She knew this. Out of love. My husband knew I loved him and still do. Today is 3 weeks since he passed. I made a decision today to purchase a doublewide/modular home. Close sometime next month. You moved, I need to move. It is time to start finding me for the time I have left. Being a caregiver gives alot out of love but you lose something of you along the way. I was always on. Off when going to bed. Now figure out who I am once more without him physically being here. That is where I am today. Buckets of tears I feel I have shed, a dozen more shall fall but in-between I hope to find me. I want a part time job. Keep me busy and seeing other people….
     
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