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Husband's sudden death

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by LoveMS, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. MarleneC

    MarleneC Guest

    I am so sorry for all your losses. I lost my husband of 35 years suddenly of a heart attack in March and I always believed he would outlive me, as he seemed so healthy. There were no symptoms. He was the love of my life and we had no children, so he was my everything. I feel sick with grief but taking it day by day, pushing myself to do what I have to do. He was not just a husband but best friend and soulmate and we were together all the time. I’m lost without him.
     
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Marlene,
    I’m so sorry for your loss of your husband. I could have written what you posted, I totally know how you’re feeling. I expected my husband to outlive me. He was never sick, there were no symptoms at all just like you said. He was taken from me in two hours, from when he didn’t well to losing my soul mate. We were married 41 years. We also were together all the time, 24/7. We ran a business together.
    I know the loneliness you feel, it’s overwhelming. For me nights and weekends are the worst time, I’m guessing for you as well. Every day is difficult, the house feels huge and quiet. But you’re doing the right thing, take a day at a time, and even an hour if needed or moment. I found trying to stay busy to be helpful, but right now this pandemic we’re living through makes everything so much harder. We can’t have the support we need, I hope you have family and friends who reach out and you can talk with. You’ll find this site helpful, everyone on here knows the pain you’re going through and understands how difficult everything is. It feels scary being alone, when you’re so used to having your loved one with you and now all decisions are made by yourself, and that feels wrong. Nothing to look forward to. Every last thing doesn’t feel right.
    But our husbands are watching over us I believe that, and they see our struggles and wouldn’t want us suffering so much. I use my husband as my inspiration to get out of bed every day, I still want him to be proud of me and I would never want to let him down. I’m thankful for the dachshund he surprised me with, he helps keep me moving.
    Ron and I have two children, my daughter lives 15 minutes away and has been my main support. My son lives in Florida but he stays in touch regularly.
    I understand your lost feeling, things do eventually feel a little less awful, it takes time. You have your husband in your heart forever. And the memories eventually will make you smile. Next week it will be 18 months since that awful night. I still struggle but sometimes the memories do make me smile, I can listen to his favorite music, there’s tears but for a while I couldn’t even listen. Each day is different but I do have days that I’m crying less. I am taking some steps backwards with this social distancing, im finding it very difficult but I keep trying.
    Marlene, there are better days ahead, just keep working towards them.
    Hugs! Robin
     
  3. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I agree with the virus making it worse. It's the reason I couldnt be with my fiancee. We were talking on the phone but I couldn't be with him. Then two hours later after hanging up with him I get a call about it been critical. Later that day they said he may not make it through the night then they call to say he didnt make it
    I keep feeling like I'm in a nightmare I cant wake up from
     
  4. Leeb

    Leeb Member

    I'm new. My husband left me on March 8th suddenly. Apparently, he went into cardiac arrest while taking a shower. Finding him in the shower stall was traumatic. He was blocking the glass door so our son had to break the glass to get him out. We thought he made a sound as in still alive. The EMS came immediately but they pronounced him as soon as they came. We were together 40 years this June. He was my first boyfriend. I was 14 years old when we met. I'm in a fog can't seem to get things done. Could barely organize the funeral. Just feeling overwhelmed.
     
  5. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. Overwhelmed is definitely the right word to explain the feelings of losing part of yourself. Everyday will be a challenge. Pray for strength and you'll get stronger to handle all the feelings you'll feel each day.
     
  6. KVR

    KVR Active Member

    Hi, my husband died suddenly, after 25 years marriage, 30 years in relationship, we met at 19, it was a sudden heart attack...so-- yes, I know this moment intimately, it is simply a very sad, shocking and traumatic moment in your life, one that will spiral you into months of grief and figuring things out, this new life that now is yours, when you're whole life was attached and intertwined with another. I am heartbroken for your story and knowing that this will not be easy for you but I can tell you this: we find our strength in darkness and you will come out of this period okay. Yes, you will be a changed person, but you will be filled with deep compassion for the uncertainty and frailty of life, you will learn to find a way to communicate differently with your beloved in his other dimension, through dreams, through feelings, through a very fine sensitivity that you will inherit from this mess, it will be like he is inside of you. Alas, this takes time but I do want to tell you that following the horror of grief, there is a new being that arises. I believe that in many ways I died with my husband, my old self just died, that identity and everything that followed was like a reincarnation, still forced to live on this earth with some circumstances the same, but really everything, everything changed, so I had to find acceptance in that, and it was hard and still is many times. For me, it's been almost one year and a half since my husband died and there are moments of tears still and missing so deeply, and I thought that kind of missing, that kind of pain would never be my experience, but it is and now it is a part of me.

    Take care of yourself during this time as you are very sick. Be very gentle and compassionate on yourself as you are suffering deeply. Take it slow and expect surprises in your heart, mind, spirit-- and also in how the world responds to this tragedy. All of it, is like waking slowly in a new world and you will feel very numb and shocked by it, how every color has changed.

    You are welcome to write to me, I try to be responsive. As a teacher and mindfulness coach, I started offering holistic support for grief, and will continue doing so in the upcoming months. If you want you can connect to my website, mindfulbardo.com. I am guessing you will not have the stomach to do much reading now. Still, keep reaching out and sharing when you find a bit of energy. Trust your soul, it will push you in the direction of healing.
     
    Leeb likes this.
  7. Janet2731

    Janet2731 Member

    hi Leeb
    I’m so sorry for your loss -I lost my husband in February 2020- I’m still grieving -we were married for 56 years -we met in high school- and married in our early 20s -we had 5 children and 10 grandchildren-we were very lucky. We had a wonderful life together
    Holidays are very hard I think I cried most of the day yesterday-
    My husband died so quick we had no idea -he had an aneurysm in his neck and was operated on and had a stroke-
    He wasn’t ready to die he was very healthy-I was the one with all the surgeries and he was right there-never a complaint from him
    He always came over to my side of the bed at night and told me he loved me-I miss that so much-
    The first year is especially hard -I hope you have support from your family -friends don’t always reach out-I guess if you haven’t gone through it you have no idea what a phone call means -just to say I’m thinking about you -I’ll be the first to call- it means so much
    I understand what your going through-it feels like a part of you is missing
    I’m so sorry-I am in a grief in Common group-we meet every other Tuesday at 2:00 eastern time-Karyn is a wonderful therapist-
    It’s only 20 dollars for an hour and a half -you listen to other people and she comments on everyone-you also tell your story
    She also does one on one for 60 dollars/hour -she’s very good
    Maybe I’ll see you
    Stay well and try and do something you like to do-it’s very hard I know
     
    Leeb likes this.
  8. RobynAus

    RobynAus New Member

    I connect to all of the above stories as I lost my husband on 15th March to a sudden heart attack. He had not been sick and there was no warning. The paramedics seemed to take forever to come and could not save him. We had been married over 40 years. We were just looking forward to getting our COVID shots and life getting back to normal.
    I have 2 children who have tried to help. Each day feels the same. Overwhelming and yet pointless. I think I feel worse now than at first as I realise that this is my life now. I try and do things but wonder why I am even trying. I do feel sick constantly and have trouble eating anything. I have seen my Dr but doesn’t help much. I have also seen a therapist who was very good but still....I guess I am still here because my children would be too upset otherwise.
    I guess I am looking for hope that I won’t always feel this way because I don’t think I could go on too long. I have friends who want to help but I don’t even want to see them.
     
  9. Goodrich

    Goodrich New Member

    Feel exactly the same. My husband dropped dead of a massive heart attack 7 months ago
     
  10. Leeb

    Leeb Member

    At the funeral home it seem like he was just sleeping but today I picked up his ashes. I stare at this box with his name on it in disbelief. It's so final you know. There's no going back. I spoke with an acquaintance today he didn't know he had passed when he said "wow that's almost a month ago" I was taken by surprise cause it's true it has been almost a month but it feels like a week. I have no sense of time.

    Are the evenings/nights difficult for anyone? They are for me.
     
  11. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Sorry for your loss. Praying for your strength. The nights are the worse for me.
     
  12. rkp

    rkp New Member

     
  13. rkp

    rkp New Member

    Lost my wife of 46 years on Feb22 , 2021 after a 2 week illness . The saddest day of my life . She was my best friend . Hoping the pain will get better with time . I try to do my grieving in private but sometimes that doesn’t work so well . Evenings and weekends are the hardest , almost unbearable. You could never imagine how hard this was going to be . This is price you pay for loving someone so deeply.
     
  14. rkp

    rkp New Member

     
  15. rkp

    rkp New Member

    Evenings and weekends are the worst. Lost my wife of 46 years on Feb 22, 2021 . We had been together since we were 22 . My best friend and soulmate. We did everything together. Somehow you must go on for your spouse. They would want us to try and continue to live .
     
  16. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry for you your loss, it sounds like you had a wonderful wife and a special life together. There is nothing that can prepare us for the pain and loneliness that we’re dealing with. Who knew we could this awful. But you’re right, it’s the price you pay for having the love we got to experience.
    In time things do get a little easier, but it’s not obvious it happens slowly and then here and there you realize memories, or special places, songs, movies etc can bring a smile. Talk about your wife often, that does help so much. I hope you have family and friends offering you support, and accept anyone’s offer to help. Sitting and having a cup of coffee with someone can be the best support.
    And yes, weekends and evenings are the hardest times. Extra lonely, less things to keep your mind active. It’s all so hard.
    Your loss is very resent, don’t push yourself too hard, remember to take care of you.
     
    rkp likes this.
  17. Aurelien

    Aurelien New Member

     
  18. Aurelien

    Aurelien New Member

    Patricia....Huge Warm Hugs to you......My husband died of a massive heart attack. One moment I left him in the living room , heard a sound that took me by alarm and went back in to find him there leaving me behind. Be gentle with yourself and try to keep in mind if you can how your husband would want things to be for you . It just takes whatever time to move through this. You will find ways to adjust and solutions will find you. Just try to be as compassionate and gentle with yourself as you can. And communicate openly as you can about what you're feeling. I have just joined this site and up until now I avoided grief groups. I just hadn't felt compelled but it was recommended by a psychologist to me. We can just hold so much inside of us and it can work against and prevent us from feeling better. Plus I think sharing with people having the same sort of experiences keeps us isolating which can also work to our detriment. It's so hard. But take yourself by the hand at times and guide yourself to do things that are meant to help you cope and move on a bit. It is such a disabling place to be. But find a way to gently coax yourself to move a bit with even a teeny step towards making it better for yourself. I wish you so much peace.
     
  19. Hawk444p

    Hawk444p New Member

    I lost my father in 2016 and my sister last year. My dad turned 52 in the hospital and he couldn't celebrate it because he was in a medically induced coma. My sister was 2 weeks away from turning 24 when she was in a car accident. Whether we think we see it coming or not, loss can come to us all, and in that way, none of us are ever alone. There is someone out there dealing with something like what you are, and everybody needs support. You may feel broken and alone because you lost your best friend and the love of your life, but live on and celebrate your life by remembering him, that way he never gets erased.
     
    RLC likes this.
  20. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    So young to be going through so many losses. I’m so sorry for you. The way you’re pushing through and doing your best to move forward is commendable. I lost my husband to a sudden and massive heart attack in 2018. I honor him every day. I feel his presence and that helps to keep me going. Is it enough, not really but it’s what our life together has left. So I embrace it. This site that brings us all together who are desperate from our pain and lonely and scared, has been so helpful to me. Sharing stories and feelings is such a helpful thing. Or even just reading others stories helps too, knowing there’s others out there going through the same pain.
    We all need to try to push on, our loved ones would want us to be ok. They’re still with us.