Husband's sudden death

thank you Robin for your kind words. I have moments of no feelings then I'm overwhelmed again. I live in Germany where we were married and now I have all these papers coming out me in german and I'm a good basic understanding, but not all. So being alone is even more unbelievably frightening. My husband has a brother who simply does not want to help. I'm at a loss. I've never been so sad, alone. I don't know whether to be mad or what and I'm sure if my husband had a choice he would be with me now.

 

Racheey, My heart breaks for you. I know the overwhelming feeling all too well. The pain and overwhelming feelings take over and your body just doesn’t know how to react. So we kind of shut down. I get it, I’ve been there.
Losing our soul mate is all encompassing, because our lives as we knew them have changed so much. We wish for our life back, for the normalcy of it. We need the support of our loved one, the one we did everything with and helped in times of need and decision making. That’s what our bodies and minds want and beg for.
This is so very recent for you, you every right to feel anger, scared, lonely etc, your life changed to something you don’t even recognize. I felt that too, I still feel it.
I’m sorry your brother in law doesn’t care to help you when you need it most. Possibly he’s grieving and not up tp helping, but I know you sure could use some support.
I gaurentee your husband would be with you right now if he could. I know Ron would be too.
I remember all the papers coming and that being overwhelming, too much too soon. Some days I didn’t get the mail in because it was just too much.
I realized a while bCk that I e never in my life been alone before. I went from living with my parents to marrying Ron. I was 16 Ron was 19 when we met. Together 44 years married 41 years. It’s a culture shock being alone. The loneliness is overwhelming. I’m doing some better but I’m not liking this new life without Ron at all.
Sit and cry, let it out, and keep reading on here and posting, it does really help. I hope you have family and friends you can reach out to for support.
Everyone here understands your pain and we’re all here for the same reason.
Wishing you better days ahead.
Robin

 

Thank you for your kind words. I teach online English classes and I'm able to hold it together while teaching, but as soon as I'm finished I fall apart. I go from what feels like calm to absolute panic. Someone said to me you will have a life again. I said right now I don't know what life looks like without him. I feel like Im in a bad dream and maybe I'll wake up, but I know this is not reality. He's gone and I want him back. Living in another country was difficult enough, but he sheltered and protected me. I felt safe. Now I feel deep sadness. I get angry at him for leaving me then I say I can't be angry at him I'm sure he would not have gone if he had a choice. I just don't know how I'm going to move on. All the bill are coming at me and he was my bill payer so trying to figure it all out in a different country without support make me very scared. Today I had to cancel a class and told the student I was suddenly not feeling well. The room started to spin and looking in the camera my face was chalk white. She was very concerned and nice. Am I going crazy.

 

Racheey,
To answer your question, no, you’re not going crazy. Afraid this all is very normal. Our bodies are reacting to our loss, we’re in shock, denial, we’re scared and lonely. That’s a lot. We miss our normal life and everything feels off. Your loss is so recent, don’t push yourself too much. Will only make things build up more and make you feel worse. If that’s possible.
I think we all wish this was a bad dream that we would wake up from, wouldn’t that be great! I understand your concern over bills and figuring them all out. I’ll admit, there was a while when I didn’t even bring in my mail, it was too overwhelming. I’m lucky in that I have a daughter who lives close and has been a huge support. I’d ask her to get the mail and look through it, give me what I need to tend now. I don’t know if you have support to lean on and help you with things but I’m hoping you do. One thing at a time. Try not to fill your mind with too many things and think for now. If you sit down and have a cup of coffee, that’s what you’re doing, just having coffee. Moment by moment.
This health crisis we’re going through has me feeling so much worse. It’s not like I was going out and doing things, I wasn’t and wouldn’t. I don’t feel up to it, but I could see people and go to the store and not have that on my mind. I know if my husband was here I’d be feeling fine going through this, he’s my rock, my everything. He is still my inspiration. I know he wouldn’t want me suffering so much. So everything I do, I do because Ron would want me to. I don’t want to let him down.
I don’t know where you live but if the weather is nice, actually even if it’s bitter cold, step outside, breathe in some fresh air.
Things will get better, they have to, we can’t live like this forever. I’m in my second year, I felt confidident the second year would be better. But sometimes it feels worse, where is he, he’s gone too long. I don’t know how to do things and that’s overwhelming, but I try and I continue. My children would be devastated if anything should happen to me, and I use Ron as my inspiration.
To be honest I’m surprised you’re able to teach at all.
Maybe when you’re up to it share some info on your husband, your life together. That can be healing as well.
❤️Robin

 

I lost my husband suddenly two weeks ago on April 4. The night before he went up to bed and looked down the steps at me and waved and said goodnight. Neither of us said I love you. Next day I came downstairs to find him dead in his recliner. Apparently a cardiac event caused by his severe diabetes. I will never get over finding him like that. I will never get over not telling him more that I loved him and appreciated him. I will never get over that even though they tell me he died very quickly and painlessly that I wasn’t with him when he died and what if I had gotten up that morning instead of sleeping in could I have saved him?
Now I have a house I can’t afford alone, I’ve lost his income which was 2/3 of the household, I’ve lost my health insurance and I don’t even know how to make his truck payment. I’m completely lost and broken-hearted. I miss him so much I just want to die too, I don’t know how to go through this alone.

 

LisaWyo,
I am sorry for the loss of your husband, I’m sorry you found him the way you did, I can’t imagine. My heart breaks for you.
I lost my husband to a massive heart attack, from the start which was stomach virus symptoms til I lost the love of my life, was 2 hours! Once the ambulance arrived and had Ron on the stretcher in the driveway and waiting to get him inside the ambulance. Ron started yelling, I love you Robin, I love you Robin, many times, at least 5 times! For whatever reason, I didn’t answer him. I think, because I was so sure he’d be coming home. It was so sweet and loving, and all the EMT’s heard him, neighbors heard him. But I have such guilt for not answering him. He was my best friend and love for 44 years, believe me he knew I loved him, but me not answering weighs heavy on my heart. I shouldn’t have guilt, we knew how much love we had for one another and yet I do have guilt. I wish I could have been at his side holding his hand when he passed, doctors told us they would most likely put a stent in. Then within minutes I was told we should decide how long they should continue working on him, and a few minutes later, I was told they couldn’t save him! He was gone!
However, maybe you didn’t exchange I love you’s that night, but you each knew and he knew that you loved him. Try not to go there, it doesn’t do any good, believe me he knew you loved him. I feel bad for you that you have so many concerns beyond losing your husband, I know it can be overwhelming. I hope you have support to help you through these things and emotionally as well.
Something for you to look into, when my husband passed he had 2 credit cards in his name but I could use them I didn’t have to pay those credit cards off. Since they were in his name and all our bank accounts were in both names they couldn’t make me pay. So if there were credit cards in his name there’s a chance you don’t have to pay them. My husbands cards had quite a balance, so one less payment. Maybe you have someone you can ask to do research on that for you. As far as his truck, I don’t know but worth looking into also.
It’s overwheming having all these things thrown at us while we grieving our loved ones. I know it’s all scary and lonely and feels like too much. Try not to think of all those things constantly. I’m really hoping you have someone to help you figure these things out.
You’ve come to the right place, this site is very helpful, people understand and know what you’re feeling. Sharing your story and reading other stories is helpful.
This is a long process, one day at a time.
Hugs! Robin

 

I'm so sorry Lisa, I to lost my husband suddenly in our bed laying next to me. I did CPR and then the ambulance came and did more cpr but he was gone. I know the feeling of bills. For me they all in Gmerna and I speak good basic but not enough to tell what the bill is. So much research. I do hope you have support. For me there is nonliving in Germany and the restriction of anyone coming to me. ITs have been 3 weeks and I go from being somewhat ok to complete panic. I scream a lot in my empty house. I pray alot and hope God can help me find my way. I wake up hearing the sound of him dying and seeing him. I don't know if this is panic attacks or what. I don't sleep well. I will pray for you. Racheey

 

I lost my husband on 28 December 2019. Two young men came into the house and shot him in front of me. They held guns to our kids are 15 and 12. They then got away with his car. On 20 March 2020 the shooter was arrested who then pointed out the second man who was arrested in February for his own fathers death. Their arrest does not make it any easier for me. My husband and I never spent any time apart. To lose your soul mate so suddenly is so hurtful. There are times when I cant get out of bed.

 

I am so sorry -I too lost my husband two months ago today and I am having a hard time -we were married for 54 years -we did everything together -I have known him since high school -I have a wonderful family but it doesn’t take the place of him being here-the virus does not help either -I joined a few bereavement groups -but they seem to talk about the virus and not the loss of someone-it is hard not being able to go out and do things which will probably help us

 

I'm beginning to think this was all not real. It all did not happen. Maybe i dreamed I was with him. My husband. I feel like Im going crazy

 

Celee, Janet and Racheey,
Celee, I have no words, my hearts breaks for you. Having to witness such a horrible thing. And your children witnessing it as well. Devastating! All losses are so difficult, and what you lived through is so tragic. Your children need you, I can’t imagine what’s going through heads. Or yours, such a nightmare. I’m glad the men have been caught, but yeah, doesn’t relieve any of your pain or loss.
We’re all living through the worst nightmare imaginable. Getting up in the morning feels impossible, nights are awful and lonely. Our bedrooms just feel wrong. House now feels huge and so quiet.
I agree having a wonderful family although great, doesn’t replace our spouses, but they can be wonderful support. Stay in touch with family and friends as much as possible. Talking about our losses through whatever means you can right now is very important. I’m sure family members are mourning along with you. And keep posting and reading stories. Knowing others are feeling the same pain can feel comforting.
Praying for each of you!
Robin

 

It is hard, for me it’s been 17 mos and 19 days. I used to get mad when people would say, “it will get easier”, thinking “how”, and I suppose it has, I don’t cry as much, but I still miss him as much. I certainly don’t think I have a purpose, or a future, or a life. I’m existing, doing projects, getting ready to plant the garden, and every single second, I want to talk to him. I want to hear his opinion on this “pandemic”, I want to hear him complain about the mess I have made in the kitchen, and to hear him tell me that the cabinets didn’t need to be painted. I want to bitch at him for smoking and not eating right, and to listen to him tell me that he still weighs the same amount that he did when we met (can I say the same??), I want to have him send me links to lake houses and talk about the dogs, and the chickens and our jobs and our children and our grandchildren and our yard and the upcoming weekend and John and Jacci and, and, and...I really never truly understood how MUCH he meant to me or how MUCH I would miss him. Still. Always?

 

So our losses are within weeks of each other. I connect with every last thing you mention. I feel I’m e I sting and that’s it. Rarely have a smile on my face, I’ve lost so much weight and I’ve aged so much since Ron passed. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself.
There’s never anything to look forward to any more. Weekends are hard, well now everyone’s weekends are hard but Ron and I used to make plans for the weekends, even if it was just doing chores, we did them together. The day he passed was a Saturday, we had just recently stopped working on Saturday's. We had our own business and worked together every day. That Saturday I woke up feeling I was coming down with a cold, I made us chicken rice soup, Ron worked at winterizing the red Chinese weeping maple I had bought him for Father’s day. We shopped for all our groceries for Thanksgiving, visit my daughter. During dinner we even commented on what a nice and productive day we had. That’s all we needed, to be together, we were happy.
Now, we have no one to help us make decisions, everyday we’re alone. And like you said, we’d like to talk to our husbands about this pandemic. If he was here I wouldn’t feel anxious at all. He was so calming.
Nothing prepares us for the pain that comes with such a loss. Who knew we could hurt so bad, cry so many tears. And it’s hurtful that no one in our day to day life understands this pain. But really how could they, if they haven’t had such a loss there’s no way they could know what this feels like. We will always miss our husbands, or loved ones.
There will be better days ahead, we need to keep working towards those days.
Robin

 

Does the intense pain ever stop? It's one month and not one day goes by that I'm not crying, screaming at the four walls. Hating myself for somehow not seeing some sign he was going to die that morning in our bed. Thinking if I go stark raving mad it would be better unless of course I've reached that point.I've had no human contact in one month due to this virus going around. I can hold it together during the day for maybe an hour or so. I force myself to go to the store today. I managed to hold it together but came home totally exhausted due to it taking every ounce of energy to keep it together. He so loved to shop. It was like going window shopping att eh market with him. My daughter is trying to help me long distance. She is in us and me right now in Germany. They keep sending papers for me to fill out because of course their paperwork must be in order. IT takes everything I have not to write back and say leave me in peace. Fo. I would not say that, but I think it. He uses to love to cook. I would teach English online while he was cooking on weekends. Sunday morning is the worst. Our morning to have our ritual soft egg and teat. Not much but was special, with coffee. I never loved coffee until him. I cannot bring myself to drink coffee right now. Today was a sunny warm day. we should have been out exploring the mountains, stopping for lunch. Im lsot and I see no future. I cant relate to looking in the mirror and wonder who it is looking at me. She has a look of pain.

 

Weekends ARE the worst, Scott absolutely loved honey do lists. our home was where everyone came, fires, swimming, cookouts, I look back now and can remember thinking that it would be nice to have an entire weekend without our children coming over! No one comes over anymore, and I’m not sure that I mind that much. I miss the chaos, the cooking, the laughter, but it’s so hard , even this far into this grief to “pretend” for long, and I’m jealous (?)of them, that their live seem to be moving along without him, which makes me feel like a horrible person, because I would NOT want them to feel as bad as I do.

 

We have much in common, that’s what our home was to everyone. The place for summer bbq’s, pool fun etc. Ron and I hosted every holiday at our home. Such wonderful memories. Like you mention, no one will come here for the holidays any more. That makes my heart ache. I had told my family I need to continue to have the holidays here, I need to be where Ron and I would be, need something to be close to the same. But they don’t come anymore. I’ve been invited to be with them, but I don’t go, I need to be in my home, it feels safe here and it’s where Ron would be.
You’re so right, it is like we’re pretending, no one wants to know how we really feel. And everyone else is back to they’re usual happy lives.
My daughter has been my constant support from day one, she misses her dad so much, she’s in a way better place then I am, but she still is here for me. My son who lives in Florida is also good support but I also feel concern that he’s in denial. He doesn’t bring up his Dad very often.
This pandemic, has caused me to take steps backward and I wasn’t in a great place to begin with. But I was moving forward at a snails pace.
I agree, weekends and nights, are the worst. So hard! Life is so different now, nothing feels right.

 

I am so sorry. I can't imagine this happening. You are traumatized for sure and should consider how you will take care of yourself at all costs. You are a mother, yes, and will need to put yourself first so that you can be there for your children. What does this look like? I don't know, but I know that in my own loss, sudden loss of my husband after a 25 year marriage (and not a brutal murder, but a heart attack) and my kids are older, it was hard to understand , what had happened emotionally, physically, spiritually -- everything is a daze, the craziness of the experience and trying to do things normal - is not really possible or normal, inside and outside everything has shifted and changed and with such a great force! My only solace to you is that, you are stronger than you think. There is a something that kicks in, inside us, a power and strength to survive and to do what it takes to go from one day to the next until things start settling down, less crazy. It takes so much time, but in the strength that you will find in every second, every moment, you will see yourself as a warrior, as a survivor and you will model this for your children in a way that will have a great impact in the future, what it means to be a survivor and to live to tell your story and to keep love and life in your heart in spite of the adversity and evil we may experience, in spite of the trauma and crisis we may face, we inside will find our spirit unwavering and strong and with a resiliency to transform any experience into something worthwhile.

Don't do this alone. Find your support system, people that will allow you to be without expectation or judgment, that will allow you to call the shots at every step of the way of your recovery.

My heart and prayers are with you.

 

I understand how you feel I lost my husband Feb 23rd and all I do is cry -it was so sudden
I am in 2 berevment groups but they say it takes time-sorry for your grief