Husband of 15 years lost suddenly

Discussion in 'LGBTQ Loss' started by GS8098, Jul 13, 2020.

  1. GS8098

    GS8098 New Member

    Not even sure where to start...

    I lost my husband (married 5 years next week, together 15) last week unexpectedly to massive heart attack while camping over 4th of July weekend.

    Now that all the fuss has died down, it feels so lonely. I know friends miss him, too. I feel compelled to act happy so I’m not just a painful reminder of what they are loosing but I’m just not sure I can....

    We just moved from a condo to a larger home in December so everywhere I look is full of memories of projects we did and the life we were promised. We actually had fun in quarantine, we enjoyed every second of getting to be here together and now that is gone.

    While everyone has been amazing checking in and helping with phone calls, etc. I’m just not sure they really understand how bad this hurts and I’m not sure I can tell them.

    I know everyone’s journey is their own, but where do you even start to cobble together a new life?? The idea of ‘future’ sounds awful.

    Would love to connect with anyone that understands.
  2. darren1234

    darren1234 Member

    sorry for your loss i`m going through the same' tammy and i were married 15 yrs. 5 before . i lost her july 8 and the future that was is gone' i`m lost and alone
  3. Myhoney

    Myhoney Guest

    I am also in the same boat..which is currently sinking...tomorrow is my 4 year anniversary. It took my whole life to finally find him and now he's gone...too fast..too soon..it was June 20th. I feel like l'm going crazy and no one can help me. That is why l'm here
  4. Jasper

    Jasper Member

  5. Jasper

    Jasper Member

    Not knowing where to start: I'm with you! I was with my husband 24 years and married in Canada in '05. He died after a 6 month cancer diagnosis. We had more time than you to adjust, but it still comes as a shock and I cannot get ahold of it at times. I'm feeling like there can't be a life out there. If there ever was I can't imagine it being happy. I'm asking myself questions like, "How do I go on?", "Is is worth going on?", "What will it look like going on?", "If I do 'go on', does that mean I'll be diminishing or discounting or forgetting the wonderful relationship I've had with him?" I don't want that to happen. I do give myself the freedom to cry when it comes up, and it comes up frequently. My tears were gut-wrenching for the first 1 1/2 months and after they've been intense, but not like vomiting my guts. Sadness is where ever I go. I can't seem to act happy, although I can laugh at things. I think happiness and the ability to laugh at times are very different. I can't imagine being happy again. People tell me in time it is possible. It's beyond my comprehension at this point.
  6. edj9

    edj9 Well-Known Member

    Hi GS, have you experimented with telling callers the truth, that you aren’t ok, and are struggling? I have a hard time doing that, feeling compelled to say “I’m ok”, or “I’m fine.” It’s not that I’m afraid of bringing them down, but that they’ll feel the need to “fix” things, and then, of course, fall silent because they can’t. The only people I trust enough to just flat-out say “I’m struggling to find a reason to live” are my therapist, and the others in my grief group. Only people who have been through this trauma understand that the best they can do is just listen and stick around even when your eyes are all puffy and rivers of snot are flowing from your nostrils, and you’re curled up in a fetal position. Nothing can assuage this pain. We just have to endure it.
  7. EddieL

    EddieL New Member

    Hi GS - I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner of 13 years to a sudden heart attack. I also felt compelled to act like I was okay. I'm not. Once I started being honest with my family and friends, I felt I could breathe again. Tell them you're struggling. They may never understand, but it will help you to tell them anyway. Bill and I were planning our retirement, but now the idea of 'future' seems awful to me, too. But I know Bill would want me to go on, somehow make a happy life for myself. I don't know how to do that but at times I feel glimmers that it is possible. My friends ask me about dating but I can't even consider it yet.