How do you go on?

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Rosem99, Nov 27, 2016.

  1. Rosem99

    Rosem99 New Member

    My name is Rose, I lost my husband of 30 years this past July. I had been with him since I was 16 years old. He was only 56.

    Our daughter is getting married in 2017. We had all gone to look at a wedding venue, a beautiful house on the water. While inside the house he collapsed. I was doing CPR in less than a minute. I could see in his eyes he was already gone. That fast. There was so much blood something had ruptured but I kept going till the paramedics came. He arrested agin in the ambulance and after two hours I told the doctors to stop working on him. Our three children, close friends and his sister were all there. We said our goodbyes in the ER.

    I had him cremated and a week later we had a beautiful celebration of life. Hundreds of family, friends and business associates came to celebrate. It even turned into a mini car show. He collected muscle cars. Music played, people spoke, everyone ate. I didn't sit down between saying hello and then goodbye to everyone.

    Months have passed and all of that is behind me. Now it's just me alone in the mornings and at night. I'm good during the day, for the most part. It's those loneliest hours of the day. I want to stay strong for my children. I don't feel I can express the sorrow and brokenness I feel to people around me. I smile and say " I'm fine" because WE all know they don't really want to know how you are doing. They are just being polite. Our true pain would make everyone so uncomfortable. So we hold it inside till that certain song plays or commercial comes on tv and our hearts are torn open and the tears just flood the room.

    I have lost both parents and 5 siblings. I know it gets better with time. This loss is so different I'm not sure if it gets better. Some days I wish is was just over. As I would always tell my husband when he would ask me how I was...I would tell him "I'm okay I'll always be okay" I will in time as long as I continue to move forward. Today I'm just in neutral...lol
  2. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Dear Rose:
    I just read your post and I have tears in my eyes. First, let me extend my most sincere and heartfelt condolences to you. The loss of your husband and the way he died was traumatic, to say the least and I can absolutely understand how you feel. It hasn't been very long at all, and I have to say that when I read what you wrote, it reminded me of myself. You are an incredibly strong woman, and I admire that.
    I also lost both my parents. My Dad-nearly 12 years ago and my Mom last May. And although I have not lost a husband, in a way I did. I was with him for 25 years and married for 19. And on XMAS Eve of 2014, I found out he was having an affair for 10 years. My divorce was finalized this past June. The lies and betrayal have changed me forever.

    As for my parents....well my Dad was truly my heart. He died suddenly at the age of 76 from Mesothelioma, which is a horrible disease. I am glad he didn't suffer. After he died, I insisted that my Mom have a Petscan, and they found cancer in her left lung. She survived for nearly 9 years and then in May of 2015, COPD and congestive heart failure killed her. I was her primary caregiver, making all the hard decisions. I have only one sibling, and sadly-we are permanently estranged. And I also have one niece, but she is her Mom's daughter and we have not spoken in 3 years. I was there when she was born and helped bring her up. So although I haven't lost a husband to death, I've lost all the people in my life who I once loved and cherished. I know how you feel. I also go through the motions during the day and I also find that people just don't want to hear how you're really feeling. It reminds them that death and loss comes to all of us.

    However, I must tell you that this site is a Godsend. Everyone is dealing with the same heartache and if you just need to be heard and share your sorrow...this is a good place.
    I have tried bereavement groups, but everyone tagged me as the "strong one," so I wound up giving support to about 20 people and getting very little myself. Yes, it did help me, but sometimes you just need quiet and someone to hear you vent.
    I don't think the pain ever goes away. I just feel that our coping mechanism improves and we find a way to continue on. I know your daughter's wedding will be bittersweet for you and for her. You expected that your husband would be there and that is just not fair and very hard. And for sure, you will have to muster your strength and be thankful and enjoy your daughter's happiness. And one day, you'll have grandchildren to look forward to and it will be a bit easier.

    All I can say is just take one day at a time and look to your true friends and family for understanding and support. Feel free to express your feelings, even if people around you don't enjoy it too much. You can always come to this site and find compassion.

    Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to right whenever you want. I will always respond.

    And I really mean this sincerely....you are an incredibly strong and resilient woman. Like I said-I know that because I am as well. I know we'll both be ok.

    Take good care~Ellen
    griefic and Rosem99 like this.
  3. Rosem99

    Rosem99 New Member

    Thank you Ellen and I too am sorry for the loss of your parents and your marriage. Sometimes life just sucks, to say that mildly I hope to find my way through this storm and back into the sunlight. Today for some unknown reason has been extremely hard for me. Not looking forward to the holidays at all.
  4. Ellen C

    Ellen C Guest

    Hi Rose:
    I know exactly what you mean about the holidays. Even for people who have not experienced such loss, it can be hard. I'm not saying this casually or anything, but I think you have an unbelievably healthy attitude towards life in general. And forgive me for this, but I think your husband would be very proud. To think about the sun shining on you again after such a short period of time is really extraordinary. And who knows why some days are harder than others. The other morning I was having a bagel for breakfast and I wanted to soften it up a bit. So I did the exact same thing my Mom used to do by putting a little butter on it first, toasting it slightly and then putting cream cheese on it. I thought about being with her in the kitchen and I burst into tears. And then a few hours later, the tears turned to a little smile. Life plays tricks on you like that! Different things work for everyone. I'm a person who believes in signs and I truly believe that even though a person's body is no longer with us, their spirit and souls remain always. I try my best to live my life so that my parents would be proud of me. That's the best way to honor their memory. And perhaps by you being so strong and moving forward, you're doing the same thing. If you really think about it, I'm sure your husband loved you so much that he would want you to eventually be happy again.

    Lastly, this doesn't work for everyone, but I'm a person who goes to the cemetery. I live in Douglaston, NY and my parents moved to South Jersey about 15 years ago when they retired. When it was time to buy a burial plot, my Mom wanted to buy one in NJ. Nope, my Dad insisted on buying a plot in the cemetery that's 15 minutes from my home. He told my Mom that the only one who will visit us is Ellen. And he was right. I went to visit his grave every single month since he died in 2005. I would sit on a nearby bench and have long conversations. Even in the winter. It took me about 8 years before I could go there without crying hysterically. Whether there were tears and then eventually smiles...it brought me comfort. And now my Mom is there next to him, where she wanted to be. So now I visit them both and the tears start all over again. But for me, it's comforting because I feel closer to them there. Not for everyone, but it makes me feel better.

    Anyhow, I hope that the holidays come and go for us both without too much difficulty and heartbreak. And I hope next year will be the beginning of a new chapter. Life does go on. Maybe not as we planned, but it can still be good.

    Talk again soon....whenever you want.

  5. Kim r

    Kim r New Member

    Hi Rose. I also just lost my husband. We were together since I was 20, for 27 years. He was 14 years older than me so I knew I would live longer, but I never thought it would be so soon. He was only 61. Because we worked together, right now the alone part is crushing me too. I do think the loss of your spouse is very different from anything else. I wish we both had something that would make this easier for us, I understand your heartache.
    Rosem99 likes this.
  6. Rosem99

    Rosem99 New Member

    Kim, I'm sorry for your loss, it sucks. There is not a word or gestures to make it better. Just know there are others that are feeling the same pain an loneliness.

    My husband and I also worked together. Now I'm trying to navigate the two businesses myself with the help of my children. I refuse to sit in my sorrow but instead focus on the people and blessings I do have. Always forward there is no other direction.

    I still have my moments and I'm sure forever will.

    Wishing you peace and happiness
  7. Toni Fields

    Toni Fields New Member

    Dear Rose,
    My name is Toni and I can relate to you for have lost both parents and 3 siblings. On Valentine's day i lost my dear sweet husband the man of my prayers. We had 13 unbelievable years of fairy tale love. Every off day he had was spent with me and church with the family every Sunday. Just buried him February 25. Sometimes i think it was a dream. He came home from work as usual and we made love and shortly after had a massive heart attack. He was pronounced dead maybe an hour after making love. It's hard but I've been reading bible scriptures on married after death and scriptures on widows the knowledge about what God says gives me some strength. I know the only way out of this grief is going to be thru the word of God. He loves us and promises us a great future! Caring this bitter cup shows me the need for more programs to educate widows of all the financial areas of help, and gives me a desire to help widows once I'm strong. God will bring us through if we can just keep the faith. Remember He loves us!