It's almost been two weeks since my mother died. We had a very rocky relationship and hadn't spoken in over 3 years, hadn't seen each other in 5 years, my choice. She was a very unhealthy person, mentally and emotionally and she wasn't a very good mother because of it. In some ways she tried her best but in other ways I always knew she just didn't care. If there wasn't something in it for her, she had no interest. She was emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive and at the age of 34 I finally hit my limit, I also finally came to terms with the fact that she was never going to change. She had started pulling the guilt trips and emotional abuse on my 11 yr old son, so I cut her out of our lives. I only sometimes looked back over the last 5 years, there was the time here and there where I wished I had my mom, but then I would remember how she would have made it about her, or turned the whole thing around so I had to be there for her and my issues would be put on hold and I would push her out of my mind again. That's how I deal, I ignore, avoid, run away from, I bottle everything up, I shut everyone out and I just forget about whatever the issue is. Until I can't, until the day comes around and I have to deal. Two weeks ago my mother took her own life and I'm doing everything I can NOT to ignore, NOT to avoid, NOT to run away, NOT to bottle up, NOT to shut out or forget but I'm not sure how to do this. I'm not sure how to face this and end up ok, because facing this, moving on from this in a healthy way means I have to finally face it all and I'm absolutely terrified. How do I face my own trauma? How do I forgive myself for the last conversation I had with her 3 yrs ago and the true but terrible things I said? How do I accept that I can NEVER fix things with her? How do I accept that I no longer have a mom? How do I move on?
Hi, -My mom didn't kill herself, but she did deny cancer treatment. -My relationship with my mom is very similar to yours and I am about your age. I am more than happy to talk in more detail.... -My mom passed 5/15 but I remember thinking those same things... every couple weeks I couldn't believe she passed only ... months ago. I wrote my mom a letter just to get all of my feelings out (after she passed). I said I was sorry for so many things, I told her how angry I was at her. I wrote it all down... even though what I wrote I would never tell her, and even though I wrote things that I felt even if they were wrong... I cried a lot... once I was done I stopped and it helped me a lot. A word of caution... when you begin therapy or even alone, confronting things... they will get much worse before they get better. Once they get better it is worth it but it may take years of work to work though what you have been through and decisions you and her maid. I may suggest waiting to fully try to understand the tramatic things you've experienced... Right now you need to get out your feelings, here or anywhere. Let yourself cry - you know what happens when you don't express feelings and instead bottle them, right? Imagine the impact of every other horrible thing when you bottled it all up... the loss of your mom is going to blow that away, so please at least talk to anonymous people or write that letter. Also, when a parent dies, it is said that the children who have not had a good relationship with their parents suffers more. You are entitled to your feelings.
