Help me. Please.

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by ooolalalivia, Jun 29, 2022.

  1. ooolalalivia

    ooolalalivia New Member

    I lost my daddy April 9th. He called me less than 4 hours before he died. It was our understanding he had a blockage and would have surgery. Then less than 4 hours later, when I was on my way to the hospital at which we expected him to have surgery, I got the call. He was 69. He looked like the picture of health - thin, athletic build, avid golfer. I’m obsessed. I cannot get over it. I still feel sick in my stomach. I cry nonstop. Why can’t I “just get over it”? I am 46, and I have a family, a career, a life. Why can’t I feel better?
    Mommas_Boy and Chris M 2000 like this.
  2. Beeleaf

    Beeleaf Member

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please don't add to your suffering by expecting yourself to feel a certain way. Losing a parent is hard, and losing anyone suddenly is so very very painful. We all experience these things in our own way. Please give yourself permission to feel everything you are feeling. The fact that you're the age you are, have a life, and everything, has nothing to do with the fact that you have lost someone so dear to you. And the loss was sudden, which is a devastating thing that knocks you off course.

    I highly recommend the book Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba. However, read it if and when you are ready. One thing I liked was that is a very short, gentle read. But you have just experienced a loss so earth shattering and tragic. (April just happened, it's OK to grieve. There is no "normal" timeline for this.)

    I'm 47 and have lost two younger brothers. None of this is normal, and that's OK too. Don't listen to anyone who tells you you should be "over it". Those words come from people who don't understand because they haven't been there yet. They will understand one day.

    Please be gentle with yourself. It is OK to not be OK.

    You may message me if you would like. Do not feel obligated in any way.

    Wishing you peace.
    Suntracker, Rurose and Chris M 2000 like this.
  3. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    Do not judge yourself for not "just getting over it." You have suffered a terrible and shocking loss. They say time heals, but it doesn't really because the pain will continue to come in waves, perhaps less frequently. Share your grief with people who understand. Having a career etc does not lessen the pain of what you have lost. It's ok to cry and grieve.
  4. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your loss.
    There is actually a book nmed, "It's okay to Not Be Okay". A friend told me it helped her. You might want to read it sometime.
  5. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    You had a very deep attachment to your Daddy. It is going to take time to adjust to the idea that you can no longer see him. Be patient with yourself. Don't expect things of yourself or let anyone else expect things. This is a walk of grief. We don't ever " get over" a loving relationship. It's okay to mourn for him-in fact, you should mourn for someone you loved so much. If we didn't grieve I think it would mean that they weren't important and their presence didn't mean anything.
    Allow yourself space to be who you are and don't pay attention to anyone who tells you how you should be. They just don't understand.
  6. MyWill

    MyWill New Member

    I'm going to first say, I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my father and then 3 months later my son. It's going to be 3 years in October my son passed. He was 26 and the unexpected death put me into a shock. This is what my counselor has explained to me (she also lost her son 5yrs ago). I'm just now accepting he's gone. There is no time on grief. I do believe your having some trouble understanding how your dad could have died while having a very common procedure that doctors perform everyday with no problems. Was he having angioplasty or was he having open surgery? If it was angioplasty I would look into what happened. My ex is an interventional cardiologist and I understand the procedure very well, I also understand what could go wrong and a lot of the time it's doctor error. I don't know if this helps you understand what your feeling but a sudden death is very different than one you prepare for. Give yourself time and keep talking to people who can understand your pain. Everyone grieves in their own way at their own pace it's perfectly normal. Hope this helps you somewhat. Feel better

  7. Mommas_Boy

    Mommas_Boy New Member

    I'm the same with mum. 3 years ago and I want to cry every dam day I'm sorry for your loss
  8. HardHeadedWoman

    HardHeadedWoman New Member

  9. HardHeadedWoman

    HardHeadedWoman New Member

    The funny thing about mourning is that it does feel awful and it's an experience no one wants to have. But it also feels like evidence, evidence of something you can no longer touch. Something that is so real and significant to you it forms your very soul and yet it's no longer here, it's no longer real. The only physical evidence you can experience in this moment, that's happening right now, is the feeling of pain and loss and sorrow.

    While it's true there Are pictures of him, maybe there are videos with is voice, with his image. There may be cars that you bought together. Or children you loved together. But all of that is antidotal, all of that happened yesterday. Today, your dad isn't here except for in that incredible experience that's happening in your heart and your throat and your eyes right now. It is the present touch of the immensity of who he is , still is to you. Sometimes I think of the tears as an actual physical manifestation of my body expressing my love.
    In real-time. Right now. I no longer resist the tears. I feel them like his hand on my cheek like his voice in my ear.

    Believe me, you don't want to get over this. Yes, it feels awful. Yes, it hurts terribly. But this is your dad we're talking about. Doesn't it make sense to you that it is the right thing to do to feel so powerfully about him? About missing him About him being gone? Would it make sense to you if you didn't feel this? Would you feel better if you were over it?

    If it was possible for him not to be gone, that, that would be something to wish for. But that's not possible. So what's possible is for you to feel the immensity of your love in the expression of this loss and to be aware that that pain is reflection of just how much you love him. How much you love him still.
    BarbaraMX likes this.
  10. Seasons

    Seasons New Member

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