Help. I need advice ..

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Allison.12, Nov 6, 2021.

  1. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    One day at a time and you will feel stronger every day but it is tricky.
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  2. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    Suffering is Healing I think. You can't move forward without some desolation. Believe me I fight it every day... because I have to. Because it's me. I was talking to Valerie and crying all night. We need to go against this grief programming I think. And it's very F-ng hard. But we are TGW! Many hugz!
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  3. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    That's the best way to keep our soulMates in or heart. Being able to still do things you did together. I still hate TeeVee though... That was Valerie's thing. And Christmas... I can't even go there yet! But I will have to.
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  4. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    As a serious Science teacher for 25 years I never got into this... since I had my kidneys plucked out and went through my wife dying I have changed my opinion.
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  5. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    George, hope you were finally able to
    sleep, after posting past midnight. Just
    woke up at 6am,, my time, and wanted to
    praise you for mentioning some of
    Valerie's differences from you, her
    not being as social as you, and her tastes
    in TV viewing, for example.This a very
    healthy form of grieving, especially
    for a spouse of many years. I started to
    heal, when I realized Linda wasn't a
    saint, and that I wasn't always a sinner.
    We had

    some "fights". We weren't in perfect
    harmony, and got on each other's nerves
    sometimes. That's one of the many reasons
    I like Jonathan's book. He was honest, that,
    at one point, he & Joy had to go to a
    marriage counselor. We never reached
    that point, even when we lived in a tiny
    apartment, before Linda went into the
    hospital. When I was annoyed with
    something, Linda would comment on my
    "furrowed brow", and then we'd both
    laugh. This memory makes me chuckle &
    choke up at the same time, which SUCKS
    BIG TIME, as our friend, Deb, would say.
    I look forward to the day I can just
    chuckle at a memory of Linda's funny
    phrases, without choking up......... Lou
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  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, hope you're still asleep, as I write this,
    right before 7am. I wanted to catch you
    before your busy Thursday. I think you
    will be interested in my message to
    George this morning. I even quoted "the
    master"--- you!! Lou
  7. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Even though you, Lou and Karen had me laughing last night, nothing short of a miracle, I spent most of the night crying too. I have Uncle Fester (thanks Stacey!!!) beat in that bag department every single day. I think it was you who told me the other day that all of the tears..., the pain... are all necessary in order for us to heal. I agree with this, but as you just said it's so very F*CKING!!!, TU!!! hard. I had to copy you and use the most descriptive adjective I can think of (thank you Gary!!!)... there's just no other way to explain this, TU!!!

    Every day that we "choose" life to quote Tom Zuba again, we are moving forward, we are healing!!! In order to heal, Zuba believes we need to "just say yes!!!", yes to life..., to opportunities..., to adventures..., to invitations..., even when we feel like saying no. I think it is a combination of needing to just grieve... spending afternoons on the couch... letting all of my emotions wash over me..., and actively choosing to "say yes," even when it's a difficult to do so, that is necessary in order for us to heal to the fullest extent possible.

    Your message to me is the first one I've read on TGW home thread today, so I hope your day is going as well as it possibly can, and if not, just keep repeating over and over and over again, that things are always subject to change....

    I hope you have at least one, but many more reasons to LMSO today...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  8. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    It seems like I'm getting here a bit later every single day. I wasn't able to accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish this morning because I had to spend way too much time on hold, then explaining to someone in customer service (I don't know why it's called customer service anymore, the service part is almost nonexistent!!!), the problem I'm having with my TV. Very long story short, the customer service representative tried to get me off the phone as quickly as possible, telling me that I need to contact my internet service. I explained that my internet connection was fine. (Hope I didn't just jinx myself!!!, TU!!! It seemed to have "fixed" itself.) I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere with this person, so as politely as possible, hung up. The nice thing is that variety is the spice of life, so when I called back, I got someone else on the line. Backing up just a bit, I had to go through another way too long wait..., then finally!!! a "live" voice on the other end, nothing short of a miracle. Abbreviated version, it turned out it was a problem with my streaming service. DUH!!!, or "No shit Sherlock," as Bob used to say... Even though I'm so technically challenged, I already knew this!!!, but and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I remained pleasant.

    After the problem was resolved, I told the person who helped me how horrible the customer service had been, the very long wait times, the first person way too eager to pass the problem onto my internet provider, and how resolving the issue took way too much of my time. I asked for a two day credit (After I said goodnight to all of you, even though I was way past frazzled, I wanted to watch a half hour of the season finale of "Married at First Sight." I confess, as embarrassed as I am to say this, I tape this series, it's totally mindless and although I'm sure, like all so called "reality TV," it's staged, but I like guessing which couples will remain married and which ones will get divorced. I tried to tune in, but my service was totally deceased.) The service representative said she would give me a week credit and apologized. "That's it," as Janis Joplin said at the end of Mercedes Benz.

    I apologize!!! Once I got going, I just couldn't stop "talking." At least I'm smiling now, thinking about some way past funny situations, that weren't so funny at the time, when Bob would say,"No shit Sherlock." And of course, still smiling because as usual, he would have something funny to say about me rambling on and on and on... I miss him so much... I went from smiling to teary eyed... This grief thing SUCKS BIG TIME!!!,TU

    I just realized that I was going to respond to your message to George when I got sidetracked. Well, if you made it this far, thanks for "listening" to me complain about the rest of my evening. Normally, Bob would have gotten an earful. I can also almost hear him responding to this one too, no way would he let an opportunity like this one slip by him, TU!!! (last one of the morning)

    Wait... just checked the time, have to get going!!! I really need to accomplish those things on my to do list and I need a walk. I hope I remember to come back here later and to respond to what you had to say to George. Very briefly, Bob wasn't perfect either, but I loved him with all my heart, even when I was the most angry at him. Plus, he had to put up with me too, nowhere near perfect either... (Didn't say it.)

    Hope you're having a good day, with many reasons to LMSO...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  9. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    You can choose life and still at bbtimes curl up on the couch too. I think it's based on how one is doing. Somedays I can't manage energy no matter what and I realize I shouldn't feel guilty because of this. some daze are stronger than others.
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  10. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    We all have a bio rhythms George. you have it tougher than anybody and you don’t quit. I had a really off day yesterday. I just wasn’t hitting on all cylinders. I only got up three times last night so I actually slept better. I’m looking out the window at Cheryl‘s flower garden. it’s the middle of the November and Cheryl’s roses are trying to bloom. It reminds me of what the EMTs said a half hour after Cheryl had no pulse. I can’t believe how hard she is trying to breathe on her own. The budding roses remind me of Cheryl’s fighting spirit. Cheryl and I were both Taurus. There was competition of who had the best idea. finally I realized how intelligent Cheryl was and conceded. Lou thanks. I’m signed up on the center of loss site. Deb thanks for the motivational post this morning. I really appreciate it. I came to Grief this morning when I looked at Cheryl‘s school girl photos. I’m going to make a collage. I’m just in the planning stages now. Lou I did notice there’s going to be a lunar eclipse tomorrow. I think that this astronomical event is happening during some of our TGW‘s anniversaries is a sign.Years ago I met a elderly lady in southern Illinois on business at an AA meeting. she was living in assisted living and still going to meetings. She always brought somebody new with her to try and help them. The topic was God and she said got sober during the film of the original Star Wars movie. She struggled with the God Concept Until she heard the phrase “May the force be with you.” That rocketed her spirituality into the fourth dimension. May the force be with all TGW today. Gary
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  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, thanks to YOU! "No shit, Sherlock" was
    one ofLinda's sarcastic phrases!!! Also, I
    love it when you let loose with the FUCKIN*G comment. Thank you, Gary &
    George!! Kim was in rare form yesterday,
    and swore like a sailor. My young barber,
    Haley, did the same! In Yellow Sub in
    Gloucester, with its' cheerful yellow
    paint, and nautical motif, as in The
    Beatles song. On my way here, I saw a
    car with South Carolina plates, and
    smiled,thinking of you. I used to be
    irritated when somebody would stare
    at me. It happened twice today, an older
    guy, getting into his car, and a younger
    trucker, who smiled. Then, I realized they
    were looking at a special hoodie I bought
    at The John Tarr Store in Rockport. It has
    an American flag in front. But, instead of
    white stars, it has different fish. Since
    Gloucester is the oldest American
    seaport, with a proud fishing tradition,
    I can see why these guys stared.Last
    summer, a female tourist came up to
    me , praised the sweatshirt, said it was
    "cool" and asked me where I bought it.
    That was more like it!!Linda used to
    scream at robot " customer service",
    and keep saying, "AGENT!!!". Sometimes,she'd get a live one.When I
    call CVS, and I hear the male robot call
    me "Louis", I say, "Bite me"& keep
    saying "speak to pharmacist". The robot
    says. "OKAY". I came up with a new
    term, instead of roller coaster. Linda
    used this all the time: Tilt-a-Whirl. It
    was the type of ride we avoided at an
    amusement park. Unfortunately, we
    couldn't always avoid it in real life. On
    my bus here this am,I had a Tilt a-Whirl
    of emotions. The BIG difference is that
    today, I choked up, whereas last year,
    on the same bus route,I cried under my
    mask, sunglasses, and hoodie. Unusually
    warm today, so I'll walk down Neck,
    Looking forward to Shack tomorrow
    night------God willing. I'm older than you,
    Deb, so I have Uncle Fester bags under
    my eyes, no matter how much I sleep.
    Now that I don't need glasses ( !!), I've
    noticed the bags,But, I'm not vain, and
    don't want to get the special cream they
    advertise. Lou
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  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    TV was Rons thing. Always on. Now it stays off until around 8. It feels ok in the evening for whatever reason. Getting quite a bit better with music so I have that playing often. One thing I can’t do is sit in his recliner. I can’t do it. Rarely sat in it before even though he told me to use it. I have pillows in it. I don’t want Teddy in it either.
    Christmas is hard. I think it’s going to be a stay in pj’s all day here. If my brother wants to come over like he always did. That would be nice but I don’t think that will happen.
    We do what we can and just keep trying.
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  13. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    It made me smile when you told me that "No shit Sherlock," was one of Linda's sayings too. Every time I think about my morning, I can almost hear Bob saying this... Bob had absolutely no patience when it comes to being stuck on "hold," not being able to reach a "live voice, TU" Years ago if we kept pressing zero, we were able to get a "live voice" on the other end of the line. Things have changed so much, TU!!! The automated voice always connects me right away if I ask to speak to the pharmacist, but usually I don't need to call. I order refills on line, and if I have to have a script filled, I'll drop it off while I do some shopping. Our world has become so way over the top automated... It SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

    Tilt a Whirl... I like this, that roller coaster ride of emotions might be getting a bit stale... Bob hated!!! those Tilt a Whirls, just like you and Linda, but loved roller coasters. While a ride on a Tilt a Whirl isn't exactly my idea of a good time, I can tolerate them, so Bob took the kids on the roller coasters, and I took them on the Tilt a Whirls. Did you ever ride the roller coaster at Paragon Park in Hull? When I was a child, my parents rented part of a house in Hull for about three weeks. We needed somewhere to stay until the house they bought was finished. The roller coaster was my favorite ride. When I was in my teens, I went there with my boyfriend and our group of friends. That roller coaster had seen better days!!!, TU!!! It seemed way beyond rickety... Once ride was more than enough. That was my last visit to Paragon Park. It seems like a lifetime ago...

    You have made so much progress in a year!!!, TU!!!... going from crying to choked up. It sounds like the rest of your day was a good one.... It's nice that you enjoy eating out even when you're alone. It's a good thing I like The Beatles, because now I can't get "Yellow Submarine" out of my head... Bob would have loved your hoodie too. I haven't gotten to the point where I want to go out to eat alone. My friend who lives a couple streets away from me ate in a restaurant alone for the first time on Sunday, the day I was too sad to go shopping with her. I was so proud of her!!!, TU!!!

    Speaking of bags, I think I'm going to end this, watch part of the final episode of "Married At First Sight," and try to get to bed on the early side. I'm way past fried and I have to be up and dressed no later than 8 a.m. In my current sleep deprived state, this could be very challenging. If I'm not around until later on, it's because the HVAC tech is here. I will check in after he leaves. I know tomorrow, although you're so much farther along in this healing process than you were last year, will still be a difficult day for you. I'll be thinking of you... sending zillions of positive vibes your way...

    I'm so glad that you're looking forward to tomorrow night at the Shack. It's nice that John, a new friend, his girlfriend, and your friend who works in the same shop as his girlfriend (I think I got this one right...), will be joining you. You are not only choosing life, but are living life to the fullest extent you possibly can... I know you've made Linda very proud of you, and happy too, by how you're choosing to spend the third year anniversary of her passing.

    I hope you enjoyed your walk to the Neck this afternoon. My best friend from home called today. She said it was a very warm where she lives. She was glad she had the day off so she could spend some time outside. As usual, we talked for almost two hours!!! (I have things left over on my to do list, but they'll be here for me whenever I'm ready to tackle them.) We never run out of things to say. If it wasn't for me needing a new plumbing system (sorry... TMI!!!), we probably could have kept right on talking for at least another hour. I miss her so much...

    Sleep well... Good dreams only!!!

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  14. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    Yes! The world is way to automated! Every time there's something new the old stuff goes away too much. Why can't you get the choice of old or new. It's like here's the new. Thatz it! I'm very freaking out! Moving in less than 10 daze. I keep obsessing that I've been giving out the wrong new address to all the utility type places I called yesterday. So paranoid! Cuz I'm freakin' out! 188Junk today for second time. I really have to empty this place out. So sick of throwing away good stuff but at crunch time I have no choice. I need to get through this. Woke up at 5am so cold and desolate! Must b strong. I hate amusement park rides. They make me sick. Loved them when I was a kid. life is one big scary ride at times!!!!
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  15. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Deb, I think this is your 7th anniversary of Bob's passing. Every month the first year was hard for me, I counted every day up until then. It's been one year Nov 4th and I'm not going to count the months anymore.
    I hope you light a candle of light for Bob and for you. My heart is with you. Karen
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  16. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    You were close. The seventh month anniversary of Bob's passing was on the 11th of this month. Thank you so much for for thinking of me... I'm glad you're not counting the months anymore. I hope I"ll get to the point where I won't do this either...

    Would "talk" more, but have some things I have to do. Hope to be back later...

    Hope you have at least one reason to LMSO today...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  17. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Sending lots of extra hugs your way... In a rush, so can't "talk" much now. I couldn't have said it any better than you did, "Life is (definitely!!!) one big scary ride at times!!!," TU!!!

    Sending more hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  18. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Ops! anyway I hope you got through the 7th month okay.
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  19. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    What you said is so beautiful... that seeing Cheryl's roses trying to bloom, remind you of Cheryl's fighting spirit... It made me think about the first year we lived in this house. We have a large picture window in our living room. Right outside it are camellia bushes that bloom in the winter. The flowers are so pretty, bright pink, against dark green leaves. As we approached the end of 2018, Bob was in very poor health. I remember telling him how much I enjoyed seeing those beautiful flowers blooming in December. It was a cold, gray day, but those flowers were so pretty... For the next two years, whenever we saw the buds for the first time, we would always talk about how much we enjoyed seeing those vibrant colored flowers right outside our living room window, in the middle of the winter. A sharp contrast from the winters we were used to in the Northeast.

    About a week ago the bushes were covered in buds once again, and almost overnight, those pretty bright pink flowers were right outside my living room window. Seeing the flowers made me teary eyed, but at the same time, I thought about all the beauty in the world, in spite of all the suffering. I thought about how Bob is finally pain free, at peace... I miss him so much... I miss him more with each passing day, but and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, at the same time, I am so relieved that he is finally pain free..., at peace.

    I love that you're going to make a collage of Cheryl's photos from when she was much younger. This is a step forward. I still can't look at photos of Bob without crying. When I'm strong enough, I want to do the same with some of Bob's photos. I want to make one for each of our children.

    I hope today was a much better day for you... I hope you get some quality sleep tonight.

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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