Help. I need advice ..

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Allison.12, Nov 6, 2021.

  1. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I know how lucky I am to have my daughter, I guess Ron and I got it right with her. My son too but he’s not here. He is great support but from a distance. I know my daughter would do anything for me. But I try not to ask her for too much. She misses her Dad so much, she sees my pain and wants to help me heal. And she’s a lot like her Dad. Sometimes I have to do a double take, because it’s so like something Ron would say or do. She steps in and does many things Ron normally did. Your son sounds like he offers you great support similar to my daughter and he’s there when you need him.

    Health insurance, don’t even get me started. Why can’t we get this figured out. I’m looking forward to Medicare too. How could we not look forward to it. I realized a few months back that I’m now older then Ron was when he passed. That makes me sad. Although I’m struggling some, I’m feeling stronger today. I got sleep last night and over the weekend I got some fresh air and stayed busy. Staying busy the first year was a lot less busy then it is now. I did breathing exercises multiple times and I’m feeling more calm. I do feel Rons presence lately more then ever. That helps too. I keep thinking he’s been gone too long, it’s time to come home. I will be with him again some day I just it. We will all be our spouses again when it’s our time. They’ll be there to welcome us.

    Deb, everything you said are words of wisdom, there are no words that can take these feelings away, having people understand and care and support you. Those are the words we need to hear. Not feeling alone.

    It’s late, time to get some rest ❤️ Robin
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  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Good morning, Deb, Dreams about our
    soulmates. Does anyone else have them,
    besides me? Mine are much less frequent
    now, but I had one this am. Freud would
    have a field day with this one. Linda & I
    were lying on a bed by a window. Linda
    could hear women talking down below.
    She was closer to the window, so I asked
    what they were saying. She was telling
    me. As she spoke, I grabbed her ankle,
    which was real, in my hand. I told
    Linda that I would not let go, bc I knew
    that the rest of her was a spirit. She nodded
    in agreement, and faded away. I woke up
    with tears in my eyes, and said my usual
    words to her: "I miss you. I love you. I
    always will". Tears are rolling down my
    cheeks as I write this to you. I am a
    complicated man. Last night, I said to
    you that I was ready to be with another
    woman. That may be true, but, it's obvious
    that after 25 years of marriage, any new
    woman could not REPLACE Linda. I think
    Linda knew that when she told me to
    find another woman after she's gone
    physically, from my life. Well, I know
    my dream probably made you "teary
    eyed", but I got the crying out of the way,
    so I can hop on a bus to Gloucester for a
    treat: a mid afternoon quiet dinner at
    Oliver's Harbor Restaurant & Bar. Your
    financial life, and Robin's , will improve
    when you receive Medicare, in addition to
    BCBS, or some other health insurance.
    When I received a SUMMARY, not a bill,
    for Linda's hospital and rehab stays, and
    mine, it was scary. But, in the end, I didn't
    have to pay a dime, beyond my monthly
    checks to BCBS. I assume Robin, Karen,
    Patti, and othet GW will see this, so I'll
    stop now. I will take my phone if you or
    anyone else wants to reach me. Lou
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  3. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm so sorry... Sending you lots of extra hugs this morning... I'm running really late, so have to keep this short. So very glad you're headed to Gloucester today. I know this would make Linda so proud, so happy, knowing that even though life will always be so bittersweet, you are determined to take the best care of yourself you possibly can, and enjoy life to the fullest extent possible. ( This might be the record for the longest run on sentence yet!!!)

    You know me too well... I need a tissue... I want to "talk" about this some more, but it will have to wait until later. For now, just know I'm thinking of you, and hoping the rest of your day turns out to be a good one in spite of the rough start.

    Sending even more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Lou, Thanks for your input. Health insurance is so ridiculously priced. And that’s why I have Catastrophic so I’m covered should something drastic happen. And yes Lou I do have dreams about and with Ron. Yours was definitely brought on the tears. Linda is with you. I have some strange ones. One was Ron and i and both children. We’re going kayaking. That’s a stretch right there. I’d love it but can’t. Because of arthritis. Anyway. The water was really pulling our kayaks away Ron jumps in the water to hold them while each of us gets in. Then the current pulls Ron away from us. I see him floating on his back at a rapid speed. I call to him and he waved, and says I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Woke up crying. I took it to mean he’s here helping us even though he’s not here in person and that he’s ok. Just the other evening I fell asleep in the couch and jumped awake. Ron was sleeping in his recliner. I saw him clear as day. Wearing a flannel shirt and jeans. Then he was gone. I think they’re helping us get through the anniversary dates. I know you’re in a better place then I am right now, but I also know it’s on your mind and kind knows too.
    That’s so loving of Linda to tell you to find someone else to enjoy life with. Ron told me the same thing years ago. I told him thank you but I doubt that would happen. He was my soul mate. But now I think back and I wonder if he had a premonition of passing early. He wasn’t sick in fact the only thing he ever suffered was gall stones. He always told me he was going to live past 100 and go out kicking and screaming.
    I hope you enjoy your day and a nice dinner.
    thank you for sharing Lou. Robin
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  5. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you for writing a quick note on
    your way out, Deb. Although I moved
    from the city of Gloucester, where Linda
    grew up, to the nearby small town of
    Rockport, I still stayed on Cape Ann, which
    also includes Essex & Manchester-By-The-
    Sea. BTW, stay clear of indie movie by
    that name---very depressing. Jonathan
    chose to stay in the same loft where he &
    Joy lived. My situation was different. I had
    to move out, but still wanted to live in the
    area, I'm going to restaurants which weren't around when Linda was alive. I'm
    writing this to you from Goombadi's, a
    great breakfast place on Main St. The
    name means "friend" , in Italian, and I
    do feel welcome, ironically by another
    Kim, ( this Kim is 55, married). One day,
    when no one was around, I told her
    about my marriage,and I felt better. Linda
    is part of who I am. As all TGW know,
    our soulmates have left us PHYSICALLY,
    but are definitely still with us SPIRITUALLY. Hope your day is good,
    Deb. Look forward to our next talk. Lou
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  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Well, Robin, when I read your kayak
    dream about you and Ron, I did a Deb, and
    reached for tissues. You are right that our
    mates are speaking to us right now. When
    I was in a widowed persons group, one
    woman was envious of me, bc she never
    had dreams of her husband, like I did,
    about Linda & me. But, what she did
    have was similar to your vision of Ron
    in his recliner. She said she was in her
    bathroom, looking at herself in the
    mirror, and was startled to see her
    late husband standing behind her, as
    clear as day. She even called one of her
    children to come & see, but, by the time
    her offspring arrived, the spirit of her
    husband was gone. It was as if he wanted
    to show her that he was OK. We will get
    through this together, Robin. Try to get
    in touch with us tomorrow, and I will
    do the same, on Friday, God willing. Loul
  7. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Lou, that dream did make me cry. I have dreams about Jack too and I wake up feeling lonely and sad. Sometimes I wake and don't remember he's gone and expect him to come into our bedroom to say good morning, he always got up early.

    Because Calif is community property I have to pay Jack's medical, you are fortunate. Ugh!

    Sounds like a nice day for you, oh I'm on SS and Medicare now.
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  8. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Lou, your stories are so inspiring mixed with sadness and joy.

    I don't get much snow, usually comes in March--just enough to be decorative. 17 miles north I can drive to gobs of snow, but I don't drive in it--I stay home.

    I posted on Patti's response, on the other site, today's devotion from Center for Loss hoping everyone will read it. It really hit me, "big" time as follows:

    "You don't heal from the loss of a love one because time passes; you heal because of what you do with the time". A new concept for me. I always thought time heals even if I am a couch potato and do nothing, wrong I guess.

    Hope your day is good, Karen
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  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you for answering me, Karen,
    as Deb did, about my dreams. Yeah,this
    one SUCKED BIG TIME, as our dear
    friend. Deb would say. I really think
    Linda appeared bc she wanted to
    reassure me that she was OK, as Friday, the 19th approaches. If it's any consolation,
    Karen,my dreams used to be more
    frequent and a lot worse. I would wake
    up,thinking my arms were around Linda,
    only to find my arms hugging myself
    tightly. Another common dream was
    that I was lying next to Linda and asked
    her a question. When she didn't answer.
    I said out loud, "Oh, that's right, she's
    dead". At that realization, I would let out
    an F-bomb, and spring out of bed. Lou
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  10. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    I take great comfort from the daily
    quotations from Center for Loss, some by
    famous people, like Edgar Allan Poe. He
    talked about that shadowy area between
    life and death. My vivid dreams of
    Linda's presence bear that out. Linda &
    I used to watch reruns of The Twilight
    Zone, which often explored that
    unexplained phenomenon. I know that
    you've struggled with a belief in God,
    partly bc Jack was snatched away from
    you. Linda fought with God, bc of what
    she called the unfairness of her little
    brother's death from a rare illness, at
    age 10, when Linda was only 12. Linda
    had a much sadder childhood than I
    did. My belief in God never wavered.
    I felt God's presence, especially by the
    sea, as I do now. Maybe my belief in God,
    makes it easier for me to imagine Linda
    in spirit form. Lou
  11. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear your dreams are not as worse, means you're healing. I too have had many dreams the first 6-8 months. I would come awake and feel so happy Jack was making coffee and feeding Rambo, then all of a sudden reality set in and I was in shock, "He's dead". No it can't be. You wonder if our love one is really in our dreams only to disappear with no ending. Oh well, the mystery of dreams.
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  12. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I'm imagining you by the sea, God's presence with you. That thought brings me calmness just thinking about it. There is a certain tranquility about the sea. It's a state of peace and quiet. I'm working on my loss of faith because I can't live without it.
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  13. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Robin, just testing here to see if you get this post. Hope so, let me know, Karen
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  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Patti is an inspiration, in her love of God,
    and her strong belief in being reunited,
    in spirit, with Jack. It was easier when I
    was a boy, and I believed people in
    Heaven would be sitting on puffy
    white clouds, playing harps, and God had
    a long white beard. Lou
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  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Karen, yes I got it! No email saying I had a new reply. I’ve been coming onto the site and just checking. My alert for your test was there. Slowly things are might get better. And yesterday I didn’t get alerts.
    Thank you, Robin
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  16. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I wish you didn't have to look forward to Medicare as much as I am. I know you "get" it, and I'm stopping here, before I make the Energizer Bunny seem as though he's in slo mo mode...

    I'm so happy to hear that you're feeling stronger today... Thank you for getting me to smile... It's amazing what some fresh air, keeping busy, and some sleep can do for us, TU!!! I love hearing that you're feeling more calm. Just as you've been feeling Ron's presence more lately, I've been feeling Bob's presence more too. I took another drive this afternoon, to the park next to the water, where I used to bring Bob, when he could still walk short distances with the help of his rollator. It's the same place I wrote about during the summer. I wasn't able to get out of my car, I was crying too much, but I felt like Bob was with me. I have so many memories of being at this park before we moved to SC permanently, during happier times, when we used to vacation here. His presence was so comforting, even though I couldn't stop the tears...

    Backing up just a bit, before I stopped at the park, I went to the homemade candy shop that is nearby. It's a very small store, but there is a big kitchen in the back, where everything is made. The store, although so small, is packed with all kinds of wonderful homemade candies. Bob and I used to stop here whenever we were in the area. The last time we were here was in the fall of 2017, right before we moved to this area permanently. We had fun picking out gifts to send to friends. I wanted to send one of my friends and her husband, who are even bigger chocoholics than I am, a box of truffles. While I was there, I also picked up some chocolates to bring to my friend's house at Thanksgiving. ( I wrote about this in a message to Gary earlier, and am totally toasted, so won't repeat all of what I said here.) I was teary eyed as I opened the door to the shop and stepped inside. I could picture that day.., which now seems like a lifetime ago..., when Bob and I were here together, picking out candy to send to friends. We had so much fun... I can't "talk"about it because even though the memories are so beautiful and special, they're way too bittersweet. Before I get too much off track, I wanted to say that I could feel Bob's presence with me. I felt comforted by it, but sad at the same time. When I left the candy shop, I had to sit in the car for a few minutes. I was crying too much to be able to drive. I couldn't head home without stopping at the park. Even though I'm still feeling like I'm stuck at the bottom of that seemingly never ending roller coaster ride of emotions, like you, I'm also feeling a little more calm.

    Backing up again, Gary wrote a message about choosing love over fear. I thought about what he said this morning. I had lots of time to think waiting first for an office visit, then for labs. I decided that I'm going to choose love over fear. I could almost hear Tom Zuba saying "choose life," as though he was speaking directly to me. So, in a nutshell, I decided to spend Thanksgiving at my friends house. I don't believe in coincidences. I know we were meant to meet and to help each other through the darkest time in our lives. Just as she told me, I know it'll feel like a "real" Thanksgiving to me too, spending it with such a special friend.

    I'm going to honor Bob's memory, and give him the best Christmas gift I can think of by spending Thanksgiving at my friend's house, and by spending Christmas traveling with my son. As Tom Zuba would say, I am choosing love over fear..., I am choosing life. I think this will make Bob proud and happy. I can't stop crying... but, and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, all my tears are happy mixed with sad.

    I hope you can sleep well again tonight... I'm feeling much better knowing that you will be spending tomorrow with your daughter. And as always, Ron will be watching over you...

    Sending you and Teddy lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  17. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm so emotionally and physically drained from being on this seemingly never ending roller coaster ride of emotions..., feeling stuck at the bottom for way too long..., and also from reliving my day while "talking" to Gary and Robin, but and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, there is no way I would put my chrome book away for the night without "talking" to you too, TU!!! (This might beat my prior record, and knock that earlier run on sentence from this morning to second place.) I won't repeat what I said to Robin because you can read about the rest of my day in my response to her. It was a very emotional one for me... Like Robin, I've been feeling Bob's presence more, but at the same time, while this is a very comforting feeling, it's also way too bittersweet. Grieving is way past exhausting... TU!!!

    I thought about you wanting the companionship of another woman, and then about that way beyond sad dream from this morning... It's making me teary eyed a second time as I'm "talking" to you now.... I'm so sorry you had to wake up remembering this... What a horrible way to have to begin your day... Sending lots of hugs your way...

    I could be way off base, and maybe projecting some of my own feelings on you, but I'll say what I'm thinking. I think you might be feeling guilty for wanting to share your life with someone else, even though you know this would make Linda happy. You know that no one will ever be able to replace Linda, the one true love of your life. At the same time, starting over again isn't easy to think about. No one will ever know you as well as Linda did, no one will ever be able to make you smile the way Linda could, or be able to comfort you as well as Linda could.

    Without Linda, your "person," you have successfully created a new life for yourself, and in the process of doing this, you have found your forever home, you have formed some very meaningful and special friendships, you have found your purpose, but... you are still lonely. I know you've made Linda very proud and happy. It's time for you to think of yourself, make yourself as happy as you've made Linda, and make Linda even more happy than she is now.

    I think your dream, you letting go of Linda's ankle, is telling you that it's okay to move forward, it's time to move forward. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting Linda, it means that you're ready to finally find that last piece to the jigsaw puzzle, the one that will make your life feel complete, and would make both you and Linda so much happier.

    I hope the rest of your day was a good one. I hope you enjoyed a wonderful supper out. I love!!! how you do everything you can to not stay "stuck" in sadness. As I've said before, you are an inspiration to all TGW!!!, TU!!! You are one of the strongest and bravest persons I know.

    I think I'm beginning to ramble, so before I ramble so much that nothing I say will make any sense, I'm going to stop here.

    I'm so totally toasted, I think I'm going to make one last cup of herbal tea, and try to get some sleep. I have another busy day tomorrow.

    I hope tonight you only have good dreams...

    Sleep well...

    Sending lots more hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  18. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for answering me
    tonight, Deb. I read your long, emotional
    feelings about your day. to Robin and
    Gary. I know what you mean about the
    exhaustion of grief. I did have a good day.
    But, all that walking in the cold 40s air,
    made me take a nap, at an odd time,
    between 8 and 9pm. I was so happy to see
    your message when I woke up. On
    Friday night, I will be joined by a new
    friend, John, big, boisterous, bald,
    bearded ( how's that for alliteration?!).
    He's 63, and a riot. He's the boyfriend of
    Jenn, who owns a shop on Neck. This is
    the same shop, where her kind assistant,
    Cheryl, works. John emailed me that he'll
    meet me at 4:30, and the other 2 will come

    later. I met John on the Neck 2 weeks ago.He's from out of town, but stays at
    Jenn's most weekends. Both have been
    married before and have adult children.
    As you may recall, I have 2 sets of friends
    from Florida, Bob & Ann, and Tom & Ann,
    who come here every summer. We have a
    lot of laughs, They are about my age, and
    they, too, are not married, bc they were
    married before with grown children. I
    feel, like Jonathan, that I don't want to
    remarry, but would like a companion,
    preferably with her own place,bc I like
    the quiet of my apartment, and the
    freedom to come and go ( and take naps,
    when needed!). You can feel free to "ramble" here all you want. As I've said
    before, if this were a horse race of
    wordsmiths, you & I would be in the lead, Robin & Gary close behind. and
    Karen, Patti and George trying to keep up.
    Stacey and Allison seem to have been
    scratched temporarily, but should be back.
    I like to invoke the horse race analogy, bc
    Linda & I enjoyed making two dollar bets
    at Suffolk Downs in Boston and at
    Rockingham in NH. We would have fun
    guessing which horse would win, by
    getting up close to them, before the
    race. We were there for the excitement,
    beer and hot dogs. Both tracks are closed
    now. I also have happy memories of the
    Native American casinos in Connecticut.
    We always broke even, but had an adult
    getaway. No children allowed. Well, despite
    nap, I'll go to bed soon. Looking forward
    to my haircut with young Haley, and my
    ride with my "daughter", Kim, at 3pm
    tomorrow. Women, of all ages, are so
    important in my life. That includes you,
    Deb, and the other kind women here.
    Pleasant dreams, for all of us. Lou
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  19. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I totally "get" it. At this point in time, I'm no where near ready for another relationship, TU!!!, but and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, if and when the day arrives when I'm ready to go for it, I never want to get married again. I know I should never say never to anything, but and this is the last really BIG BUT!!! of the morning, I know I can say never to marriage. Bob was, and always will be, the one true love of my life... The one who I gave my heart to completely... I can't do this again.

    I love how often you meet and begin new friendships. It's hard for me to believe that there was a time when you were not a social person, TU!!! It sounds like a fun Friday night at the Shack... Another one of those TBC's...

    I spent a very frustrating morning trying to straighten out some billing issues. I finally got all of them resolved. Although it's a nice day today, I can be one of the world's biggest procrastinators, so I'm going to start getting ready for my HVAC appointment tomorrow Friday morning. The walk in closet is a big one, and packed to the max!!! This house is very small and doesn't have either a finished attic or a basement, so as a result, the walk in closet has some things in it that would normally be stored elsewhere. Because my house is so small, I have to put all the things that are currently in the closet, in the guest bedroom, the reason why I can't seem to get started. I can and will do this!!!, especially because I just told you I would, and any of the other GW who might read this. Besides, if George, TUGW, can pack up a whole house, I should be able to handle just one closet... I will be thinking of him as I'm moving things. He is my inspiration for getting this job done!!!

    It's nice that you have a good relationship with Haley and I hope you shared a few laughs, along with getting your hair cut. Have a productive trip to the grocery store this afternoon, and enjoy the time with Kim, "your daughter."

    Better make this a short one, I have things to do!!! (Of course, saying this made me smile... I wish Bob was here!!!, but good memories are all I have, so I'll take them.)

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

    P.S. I never been to Suffolk Downs or Rockingham, and the only casinos I've ever been to have been on cruise ships. This is bringing back lots of memories... Better stop here!!! I told you, I can be the world's biggest procrastinator, TU!!! (last one for now...)
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  20. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    Actually I am the world's biggest procrastinator! LOL So if I could do this you certainly can!!! I'm glad I inspire I try to think of one step at a time. We have 188Junk coming out again on Friday for the second time. So hard cuz these last items are the hardest to get rid of. Iam real preoccupied with ,oving in less than two weeks so I'm a bit distracted from GIC but I wish all of you my love and hopes!
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