Help. I need advice ..

I'm going to try and sum this up the best I can so hopefully I relate everything in a sensible way.. I lost my boyfriend March 3rd of this year. I gave birth to our daughter 9 days later on HIS Birthday... the 6 months before that, I was introduced to his other daughter and we started getting her every other weekend. Since Scott has passed, things have been obviously emotional and overwhelming for many but the main thing that keeps me going is our daughter.. she is my life, my everything! His other daughters mom has decided to give their daughter up to his sister bc she doesnt 'want to be a mom anymore.' I do check in with his other daughter and his sister periodically but I believe I've gotten the impression that his sister maybe feels like I should be doing more with his daughter..helping out, seeing her more etc ...

Am i a bad person bc dont feel the same towards her as I do me and Scott's daughter? Is this normal? Is it wrong of me that I am just putting my focus on me and me and Scotts daughter? I mean we planned on getting married and having more children so i dont know how to deal with all of this and what is right on top of still grieving etc .. any input would be appreciated for sure. I think I'm overthinking this ‍♀️

 

Hello Allison. I’m terribly sorry about losing Scott. This is the hardest thing you’re ever going to go through. Welcome to GIC. I have only been a member for one month. It is very helpful and has a lot of very loving and supporting people. I’m glad you’re here. No you are not a bad person and no you are not doing anything wrong. You have a full-time job taking care of yourself and your daughter going through this loss. If the sister didn’t want to assume full responsibility for the other daughter she should have let someone else have her. I lost my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly and unexpectedly six months ago. Within two weeks I found a local grief support meeting and secured counseling six weeks later. but the biggest help so far is this site. With all the help I have found this is still a very traumatic And confusing thing to endure. Going through the loss of a spouse is the hardest thing we are ever going to do. Type in “six needs of reconciliation of the mourner”. It is a short article that will jumpstart you in your grief journey. Be kind and gentle to yourself. If the sister doesn’t leave you alone block her from your phone. Only hang with people who will love you and support you through your loss. You are not alone. Gary

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Im sure its alot to take in losing the love of your life and giving birth to your daughter after he was gone. I lost my fiance a yr and a half ago and its been the hardest thing to go through. We have 2 small kids and its hard doing things without them. I think you do good reaching out to his daughter when you can. Maybe as time goes by you may offer to get her and do more with her but right now your loss is still fresh. You have to cope with that on top of raising your daughter by yourself. I say pray about the situation but definitely put your focus on you and your raising your daughter. Feel free to reach out anytime. Take care!

 

Allison, welcome to Grief in Common. I agree with everything Gary said to you.My
name is Lou. My wife, Linda, died
suddenly, in front of me 3 years ago
We were married 25 years, no children.p
Linda died at 68. We had planned to grow
old together, but that wasn't meant to be.
Even though I'm old enough to be your
father, and was married longer than
your engagement, grief is grief, and
all of us whose soulmates have died, are in
the same boat of mourning. Hope you
will stay on GIC. I came up with a term
for us: The Grief Warriors ( TGW), bc we
are always here for each other. Lou

 

I'm very sorry to hear that Gary :/ but I can see how GIC could be helpful. I'll keep checking in frequently as this rollercoaster of emotions continue .. i typed that in and I'm definitely interested in reading each step. Have a great day !

 

I am so sorry to hear that .. u and your children are in my thoughts for sure. I hope with this group and cou selling every week my emotions can stop going every which way ..

 

I am very sorry to hear that, that is a lot to take in ... I definitely plan on checking in here because these emotions are all over the place. I notice my daughter (only 8 months) hates when I cry so I'm starting to like be better about taking time for a min and 'feeling to heal' but like you said .. grief is grief. I hope you have a great day

 

Allison, so glad you decided to stay with
Grief in Common (GIC). I remember
replying to you. My wife, Linda, died 3
years ago, so I'm a "veteran" here, but
still have the mixed emotions of every
person here. I find that the more you
can reply to threads, the more rewarding
GIC will be. Lou

 

Deb, I tried to email Karyn Arnold for
help. but the message was rejected. bc her
mailbox was full. I've been writing long,
heartfelt posts & replies, but I'm not sure
they are being seen. You did see my "like"
to different people, so you know I'm
still around. I welcomed a new member
Alison, this am, and I DID see this reply.
Lou

 

Allison,

I'm so very sorry for your loss... I got teary eyed when I read not only did you lose your husband, but also that you gave birth to your daughter on his birthday. I can't imagine how bittersweet her birthday will be for you... I read what everyone has said, and I agree with all the advice you've been given. Normally, I would probably write you a book, but I'm extremely burnt out tonight, both emotionally and physically.

I just want you to know I'm glad you found us, but sorry you had to. As everyone has already said, I'm glad you're sticking around too. The friends I've made here mean so much to me. We are always here for each other and will be here for you too. I've found coming here, "talking" to others, pouring my heart out, "listening" to others stories, sharing my feelings about what they've said, as well as "listening" to what has helped others as they continue to move forward towards healing, has helped me much more than the bereavement group I used to attend.

Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

If you see this, I'm so glad you're okay, TU!!! Your posts and replies aren't showing up on the thread Gary started, which now seems like ages ago. I was relieved when I saw you had liked TGW messages because I knew you were around. But, and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, it was so unlike you not to "talk" to any of TGW for an entire day, that I was worried that you might be having a really difficult day. Thank you for sending me a message here. Sorry..., sometimes I can't help being a pita!!!

It really SUCKS!!!, TU!!! that Karyn Arnold's mailbox is full and so you're unable to get in touch with her. I can say with confidence that you as well as me, and every one of TGW, hopes this issue gets straightened out soon, TU!!! (last one of the evening.)

Really frazzled, long tough afternoon/evening and I need to try to get some zzz's...

I hope you are able to get a good night's rest.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, hope you get this! TU!!!Forget what
pita was ( all I could think of , was the
bread. Sent a message to GIC tech team
today, TBC!!! Hope to "talk" with you
soon! Glad Gary told you to find me
"talking with Allison! Lou

 

Morning, Deb! Just heard from Karyn,
who didn't see any problems on her end.
She told me to take a "screenshot" of the
problem, so that I can send it to the tech
team. I have only the one Android
Smart Phone. I'm hoping that now that
I've alerted her, the problem has been
resolved. You should get my last night's
email and this one. Taking it easy this am
until 11am phone therapy session. Plan to
walk to store this afternoon. Hope your
weather's OK, and you can take a walk
Now that it's mid Nov, the temps are
colder here. Lou

 

Hi Lou, I wondered if you were ok. I haven’t been in a lot recently but I’ve been reading. And you’ve been missing. I also notified Karyn today because I’m having issues too. I haven’t heard back yet. It’s strange that your posts are only showing up in certain places. I hope it gets figured out for you. I’m not receiving alerts email or on the site. So it’s been hard. I needed a break anyway to get my mind clearer. I feel some better today thankfully. Hope you’re having a good day. I agree about the weather getting so cold and I’m tired of rain. Robin

 

First let me say I’m so sorry for your loss Allison. You’re going through so much all at once. Losing your boyfriend is pain enough. Like others have said nothing prepares us for this. It’s devastating snd our world changes in an instant. You are not a bad person, you’re doing your best to keep your head above water and be a loving caring mom to your daughter. I can’t imagine giving birth on his birthday. Reaching to his sister with his other daughter is very caring of you. You have a lot you’re dealing with, be sure to take care of yourself. I lost my husband suddenly, it will be 3 years on Wednesday. This site had become my best friend and serves as my counseling. Not sure where I’d be without it. Visit this site often and read and share stories. It does help. Sending you and your young daughter hugs and prayers. And everyone else too. Your important take care of you.
❤️ Robin

 

Thanks for asking, Robin! I sent a messageto GIC, after my email was not
received by Karyn, bc her mailbox was
full. She replied this am, that I should
take a screenshot of the annoying
message: "The following error occurred.
Please enter a message with no more than
10,000 characters". Gary told Deb that I
finally succeeded, when I replied to
Allison. This morning, I simply wrote,
"Thanks, Gary". I received a 2nd
annoying message: " The submitted
message is too long (!!!)to be processed.
Please shorten it". I emailed Karen that
I think the problem was that all the
threads were not decluttered. I may be
OK now. I told her others were still
having problems, but she was under
the impression that everything was fine.
I remember when her tech team had
underestimated the time of rebooting,
and didn't inform Karyn. That was on
Halloween, and caused a great deal of
stress. I'd suggest using "contact us" and
"send a message". I do receieve email
notifications and alerts, the way it should
be!! Don't give up, Robin. You don't need
this stress on top of your mourning for
Ron---especially th is month......Lou

 

Thank you Lou! I received an email from Karyn she said she forwarded my message to the tech team. And said what she told you. That everything is supposed to be running properly. But obviously it’s not. Parts of the site are t even on here since the update. Or I can’t find what members are on line. Newest posts, new members. I haven’t found any of that. I kind of feel Karyn isn’t thrilled with the tech team she hired. I feel for her. She said also that the site was moved to a different platform but everything should have moved.
You’re right, I don’t need this right now but I’m trying to push through as I know you are too. We’re both missing our soul mates more then ever.
Thank again, Robin

 

Thanks for responding to me so quickly,
Robin! I'm really glad Karyn got back to
you. After all, she is a compassionate
person who created GIC 20 years ago. I
think you're right, that she couldn't be too
thrilled with the tech team, and its'
stress causing effect on us. My problem
seems to be resolved, but I won't be
happy until your problem is solved, too.
After all, TGW leave "no one behind", as
Gary and I always say. I didn't realize that
your tragic anniversary of Ron's death is
suddenly here, on Wed, the 17th. I urge
you to post here that day. I have to say
that I'm not thinking about Fri, the 19th.
I have phone therapy every Monday
morning,and continue with my network
of friends: Friday night at Shack bar, Sat.
morning, for coffee with the veterans, at
the American Legion. Also, and perhaps
most importantly, going to Thanksgiving
dinner at the home of my friend, Kim,
who's been like a daughter to me. I know
and like her 2 teenage children. I hope
you can look forward to the holiday, too.
I also want to find out how Deb, and
others will do on that day. Lou

 

Lou,

I'm so glad that finally (!!!) your problem seems to be resolved, TU!!! I hope Robin's issues, and all of TGW issues, along with all of the GIC members issues, get resolved ASAP!!! Like you, I won't be happy until this problem has been fully resolved. I think you mentioned this somewhere, and I agree, that this happened at the worst time possible, not only is it the holiday season, but because so many of us are faced with what are now either bittersweet memories of our wedding anniversaries, past holiday memories, etc..., or the horrific memories of the deaths of our spouses deaths.

I will be so glad when the holidays are over this year, TU!!! I wish I had something really positive to say today, but I'm still struggling, missing Bob more than ever, those memories of past holidays constantly invading my brain... I fell apart in the grocery store yesterday as soon as I saw all those Christmas displays. My friend who lives a few streets away from me called to ask me if I wanted to do some shopping with her. I told her that I just can't go into stores right now, between all the Christmas decorations and music, I would need to bring a case of tissues with us. As sad as I am, I keep reminding myself about what one of TGW said to me (foggy widow brain, can't remember who), that even though it might not seem like it, I'm doing the work I need to do to heal. As Tom Zuba said, I want to "choose life!!!" I want Bob to be proud of me, the way I know Linda is proud of you.

I just got off the phone from talking to my BCBS sales rep. I have a little over a year before I'm eligible for Medicare. Even with the deductions for Part A from my social security check, and having to purchase supplemental coverage, it'll still be way less expensive than what I have to pay now. I have no idea why SC calls the BCBS Marketplace affordable health care, TU!!! Basically, all the plans that I can choose from, are nothing more than catastrophic coverage. So, if I get flattened by a freight train, I'll get some bang for all those bucks$$$. However, health insurance is one of those things I never want to get my money's worth out of, TU!!! As Linda liked, and I like to say, "I better get off of my soapbox, before I get started," or I might be able to outlast that Energizer Bunny in those commercials... Looking on the bright side of things, I'm now officially prepared if I ever get flattened. I did say a sentence ago that I'm stopping here, so this is the end of this.

I hope your phone appointment with Bob went well this morning and that you're enjoying your day in spite of the cold weather. I know I have no right to complain, but I've been freezing... I think Patti said where she lives, it dropped into the thirties the other day. The lows here have only been in the forties. I spent almost the entire morning talking to my best friend from "home." She said it's a super cold day on the South Shore. After we hung up, the phone rang again, it was another friend from "home." It was so good to talk to both of them. Makes me miss "home" so much...

Want to check the what has become TGW "home," and I have some things I want to check off my daily to do list, so stopping here.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

OK, Deb, now I'm worried about YOU!!
Was hoping you'd reply to last night's
and this morning's emails. I'm back!!!
You will be interested in my talk with
Robin this am. Althoiigh I'm grateful my
problem is resolved, I won't be happy
until Robin's is, as well. Just like when
the rebooting occurred over Halloween,
Karyn was not aware of the time frame,
and stress on most of us. I urged Robin to
post on that terribly sad anniversary of
Ron's death, on Wed, Nov. 17. Lou