Hello fellow greivers

Discussion in 'Dealing With Multiple Losses' started by Nightshade61, Jul 22, 2021.

  1. Nightshade61

    Nightshade61 New Member

    My name is William, I live in the Pacific northwest, I have p.t.s.d mainly from my family members, I know that this site isn't for p.t.s.d , so I elaborate in more detail. I come from a very violent and abusive background, my father was in a motorcycle gang when I was very young before kindergarten, and up until I ran away from him when I 8 year's old after he tried to blow my head off while he was drunk and high on drugs. My mom was just never available, I lived with her off and on from age 9 after myself and my siblings were put in a orphanage after we ran away from my dad and his new wife. So I have been pretty much on my own most of my life. I was emancipated when I was 16 years old so that the laws would be the same as if I were 18 years old so that I could rent a place to live and find employment. In just the past few years I've lost my aunt, my mom and son and my sister, and a cousin I was very close to. I found my mom dead in her apartment in February of 2010 , she was 71 and had cancer that spread through her entire body. In August of 2015 I lost my sister she was only 56 and it was a result of drug's and alcoholism, and in May of 2016 I lost my son to suicide, he was only 30 years old, he also was struggling with addiction. I myself have struggled with addiction, I put myself in treatment in 1999 and filed for a divorce my ex wife had 3 abortions from 3 different affairs and 1 of those affairs and abortions were from my brother, we don't talk anymore. And just a 2 years ago I lost my cousin due to heart problems, and then I lost my cousins wife to covid 19 just last year, and just 2 months ago I lost my aunt in Alaska, my dad's only sister, she had brain cancer. Any way I have had a lot of anxiety and after the loss of my mom I went into shock and then losing my sister and son it was like I just shut down emotionally, I went to see a doctor when I was having anxiety attacks because I thought I was having a heart attack. I explained to the doctor about how I just felt numb, and I felt bad because I wasn't feeling sad about my losses. The doctor said I was in shock and he said it would wear off after a while and it did , I moved from my apartment to a house where I had roommate's because I didn't want to be alone, and I just recently in the past 4 months got my own place. I have had time to regroup and do some things I needed to do for myself. And now the shock is wearing off and I am getting overwhelmed with grief and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, I miss my son because we were very close and where ever I was he was usually not to far away, he was born on Christmas day, I don't celebrate Christmas anymore, and I have 2 daughter's from my ex wife that I never see because of circumstances from my divorce and my ex wife saying things about me . Anyway I am hoping to find someone or persons that I can relate to because I kinda beat myself up over my son's death because I think it was from me being a lousy parent. That and I was married from age 21 to age 38 and I really didn't know anything else outside of my immediate family life. I have had a few relationships but they never lasted very long, partly because of my trust issues. I would really appreciate it if someone understands what I am going through and how to deal with it all .
  2. jenkatma

    jenkatma New Member

    Hi & sorry you've had to go through so much. And thank you for being open as you share lots that happened which has created grief via ongoing traumas. ... I, like you, have had times of harsh disruptions through toxic relatives causing disruptive dynamics plus 'had various sad losses, so I relate! Therefore sharing here could let us move forward amidst healing. Ttys~:)
  3. UnbridledBrokenPixi

    UnbridledBrokenPixi New Member

    Hello William. First off, I just want to say Thank You. Thank You fer posting this, it says You posted it July 22nd, 21. I'm reading this on Oct 16th, 22. I do have to say I admire Yer courage to post, as I'm debating posting here. Fer some reason I feel compelled to reply to Yer post. I'm just full of feelings being brought to the surface from my own situation through reading Yer post that I just want to reach out to you, and see if Yer doing okie. Not okie, but seriously, if Yer doing okie. Coping is difficult at best in times when we find ourselves going through such times as we've experienced, and it's even more upsetting to hear and experience such situations due to those closest to us, tearing the bonds we had with them into pieces we can no longer have the strength to put back together nor even try to keep them together after knowing their destruction. I want to reach out to You, and make sure that You know that You aren't alone, and if nobody else has expressed this to You, I'm serious when I tell You, If You ever, and I mean EVER need someone to talk with, please feel free to contact me, I'll be on here every day in hopes to gain some relief through my own situation & the help here, just knowing someone is here, is already helping my grief. I want You to know that You don't have to feel obligated nor feel discouraged by my addressing this with You, I just want You(nor anyone else) to ever feel the way I do as we struggle through all of our pain & grief in our situations. Please know that I'm here, and if there's anytime that you need to set up with me, on a regular basis, or just touch basis, with me, just to see that Yer doing well...I'm here. I will respond ASAP. I really hope that You are doing well, and that You've been able to come to terms with and hopefully understand some of the grief Yer understanding as You move on through all the pain & anguish accumulated throughout Yer situation, but hopefully You don't get give up. Hopefully You can see that I'm here and that there's nothing that will scare me off, or that I wouldn't try to understand and always know I wouldn't be judgmental. The offer stands, morning, noon or night. I sincerely hope that Yer doing better, and know that I care, even though I may not have been through yer exact situation, I'm understanding that we all deal with loss and grief. Please know I'm hoping to hear from You(and others that need help, please feel free to contact me at anytime) and would like to speak with You if Yer willing to share. I look forward to hearing from You. Have a good day, and take care of Yerself. Hugs.