Karen,
I don't know where to start... The reason I've been MIA for so long is because I'm finding that I need to be alone with my thoughts..., just me and a box of tissues, my constant companion, wrapped in my super soft bereavement blanket, on the couch, drinking herbal tea, in silence... watching the flickering flame of a candle on my coffee table. There are nights when I can't stop crying... then there are nights when all I want to do is to tune out of reality and into mindless TV. I think I'm slowly adjusting to this new life. There have even been a times that I've felt a kind of peaceful feeling I haven't felt since prior to 2015, the year I had to make endless trips back and forth with Bob to the ER, until finally right before Thanksgiving in 2015, Bob was given the correct diagnosis, kidney cancer. (By this time the cancer had spread into his lungs, and into his vena cava, the vein that carries blood to his heart.)
It is the first time since 2015 that I'm not totally on edge 24/7. It's hard to explain. I would do anything to be able to have Bob back, take care of him, but at the same time, I'm relieved that he is no longer suffering, that he is finally at peace. Being constantly on edge 24/7 has taken a big toll on me, emotionally as well as physically. It's the first time in years that I can put my own needs first. I'm very s l o w l y rediscovering who I am, now that I am no longer part of a couple... I feel guilty about the way I'm feeling. Bob was, and always will be, the one true love of my life... but at the same time, I know I have to find a way to rebuild my life, rediscover who I am, after spending 35 years with my "person." It totally SUCKS!!!, TU!!!
I'm getting way off track, so getting back to you asking how I'm feeling about Christmas and New Years, I wish I could erase these holidays from the calendar!!!, TU!!! I'm looking forward to spending a week with my son, doing some hiking, spending some time by the ocean, renting bikes, etc., etc., etc., taking a much needed mini vacation..., a much needed escape. I'm so grateful to be able to spend some quality time with my son, but it is so bittersweet... I have no idea how I'm going to feel once my son and I get into the car, begin our road trip.
Going on this trip is going to be extremely difficult, but at the same time, I have no idea how I would be able to survive if I had to celebrate Christmas and the beginning of 2022 this year. I feel like the Grinch. As of today, there isn't even a wreath on my front door. I'm not sending Christmas cards. Like Robin, there is no way I can sign cards without adding Bob's name to them. It's just too painful... I bought gifts on line for my children, and a few of my close friends from "home." This is all I can handle emotionally this year. My heart just isn't into it. I can't even pretend to be into this holiday season.
Thanksgiving, while difficult for me, turned out better than I expected it would. I'm hoping my mini vacation with my son, will have many happy moments... I know realistically, all of those happy moments are going to be way beyond bittersweet... The one thing I keep reminding myself of, is that Bob would be so happy..., knowing that my son and I are going to be spending so much quality time together. The best Christmas gift I can give Bob is to do my very best, even though I'm spending Christmas in a very nontraditional way, is to enjoy the special time my son and I have together.
I'm glad that you will be spending Christmas with Trish and Bec, surrounded by their love... I hope, although every moment will be so bittersweet, you will share some happy moments, and smile (for real!!!).
Stopping here. I'm going to make a cup of herbal tea, wrap myself in my super soft bereavement blanket, become a couch potato, watching the flickering flame on that candle, alone with my thoughts...
As always, sending you and Rambo lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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