Heavy Poem (beware)

Karen thanks for the LMSO(laugh my sad off) in regards to all the Germans sleeping tight in the same bed. I’m glad you got out among them at the winery today. I think everyone grieving is experiencing additional sadness. Not a lot of interactions the last couple of days. I am extra sad too. Everything I look at or touch reminds me that Cheryl is gone forever. I frequent Cheryl’s shrine and hold a half lady in my hand that resembles Cheryl. I talk to Cheryl and hold her tight and kiss her. The half lady is the object of my main connection to Cheryl. I only go out for supplies and one meeting. I regularly text 4-5 friends and relatives every day. It’s a lonely life but I would rather be by myself instead of bad company. In the original book Bambi by Felix Salten Bambi has become a mature buck and roams the woods with the Old Stag. Bambi becomes accustom living alone but one day meets the Old Stag and asked him why must we live alone? The Old Stag replies; to understand existence, the attainment of knowledge, and the preservation of self you must live alone. Bambi and Siddahartha were two books I read again after Cheryl passed because they were about harsh realities of life. This kind of justifies living alone. Right now I don’t know any other way. I finally finished the Widower’s notebook. I keep myself busy while allowing intermissions with Mr Grief. We keep putting one foot in front of the other and trudge the road of happy destiny. Some day they will be grieving for us. We are TGW we are united because of the harsh realities of life. No one is ever left to grieve alone. Gary

 

Gary, I agree with Karen about having
some laughs in the daytime with a friend,
but the sadness of nightime, when one is
very alone. I don't want it to be like this
forever. I'm glad you finished Jonathan's
book, and I do hope you will get a chance
to email him. If you want, you can say,
"Lou sent me!". Brother Lou

 

Ok Gary you got me crying reading this post. Old Stag replies: to understand existence........ yes it does justifies living alone. And I don't know another way either. And, the preservation of self you must live alone. I'm finding that to be true because there is no one to share my life -- alone I am. And alone I will be.

Thanks for posting this message, it really hits home. Blessings Gary, K

 

Karen: " Alone I will be" sounded so sad to
me. I understand if you don't want a
relationship with another guy, but I still
wonder if you need a change from your
current living situation. Perhaps Trish
could help you with that? Lou

 

I can't stand the TeeVee these days especially news. Loud TeeVee at dialysis waiting room was making me so crabby. Really hard day yesterday. MG is not directly out there. just feel so blank and uninspired again.

 

George, I had a similar situation with a
loud TV in a waiting room of a doctor"s
office.I quietly asked the receptionist
to lower the volume, that I had a bad
headache ( not quite true, but I was about
to get one!). She kindly complied, knowing
that I might complain to the doctor. Woke
up with a flash of memory of Linda's
face. I let the grief "pull up a chair", as
Gary said, and "listen". Then, I listened to the
song, Lean on Me, by the late Bill Withers,
and felt better, and not so alone. Now, I
can walk outside. Hope you can, too. Lou

 

George that bothers me too. it’s usually some remodel show and no one is watching. If Lou’s idea doesn’t work tell them you’ll be out in the car waiting. when your time is near tell them to give you a call. I just got home from a nice visit with a friend. It’s a beautiful day. I hope you have a good walk Lou. Gary

 

Yes, thank you I probably need a change, but I'm just not ready, more time to heal. Trish wants to move out of state with me, but again I'm not ready.

 

It's usually not an issue because during the week Jeopardy is on and they take me right away. Saturday it was endless Big Pharm commercials that will miraculously cure our ills, and stupid people on an obnoxiously dumb game show. Just waited by the door to the dialysis chamber.

 

Karen, I understand. Only you will know
when you're ready to move. But, in the
final analysis, you have to ask yourself
how you feel NOW. I had no choice, bc I
had to leave the winter motel where I
was staying. But, I asked for help with
the small things, from a married mother,
who's been like a daughter. The big stuff
went into a moving van. Like George, I'm
really glad I moved & started anew. Linda
didn't know any of the places I frequent,
or the friends I've made since her death. L

 

George, I sympathize! I had to wait in the
room with a loud morning talk show, while
waiting to get lab work. I searched for a
remote to mute the sound, bc I was the
only one there. I couldn't find one, and
the TV was way up high, so I couldn't
reach the volume knob, I gave up, and
sullenly stood in the doorway. Lou

 

You made a good choice, you are becoming a man of joy, caring and tenderness. Thank you Lou.

To everyone, any plans for Christmas? I know Deb will be with her son in Georgia, Robin with her daughter, I think, I will be home with my daughter, Trish and her daughter, Bec. Thanksgiving was very hard, wondering how everyone feels about Christmas and New Years.

 

Thanks, Gary. I was fearful of going alone
for lunch today at my usual cafe. They had
live music, Irish session. I used to go with
Linda to Irish pubs, and hear both the
jaunty songs, and the very sad,lonely
ballads. I was afraid I would weep in
public. But, a group of out of towners
invited me to their table. The wife of
the couple next to me, was very friendly
and had a wonderful, kind smile. We talked quietly, and I thanked her for
making me feel welcome. I ended up
telling her about Linda, and she was
compassionate & we had some laughs.
She thought I was 10 years younger, which
made my day. She was about 10 years
younger than I am, but I told her SHE
looked 10 years younger than that. I made
her day. Incidently, she & husband met on
Match.com. I half jokingly asked her if
she had any sisters like her, and she
laughed, and said no. Then, I said I hoped
I meet someone as nice as she is. We
looked each other in the eye, shook hands,
and they said good bye. May not see her
again, but it was a great moment. Lou

 

Karen, thank you for

Karen, thank you for saying I was a " man
of joy. caring, and tenderness". That is
why I think I could share that with another
woman, as you see from my story to Gary
just now, about an encounter with a
woman ( unfortunately married) today.
As for Christmas Day, it depends on the
weather. If it's sunny, I'll take a walk by
the ocean, but none of the shops and
restaurants are open, so I'll make sure I
have food in the fridge, for dinner. If it
rains, and is dark & dreary, I'll do my
bear impersonation, and hibernate.
As one of the older widows in my group
( which I'm no longer in) said, it's only
one day. The next day, all the shops &
restaurants will open again. New Year's
Day has a lot more going on than Christmas. I may go see a singer/ guitarist
that day, at my favorite cafe, which has
live music at lunchtime, on either Sat or
Sun. Lou

 

The only Christmas thing we are doing is TB made Christmas cookies with the GF in honor of my missing wife critter. I should feel sad. I am sad we did this in mmemory of her. I feel so blankly bland yet teary eyed... I remember last year eating her last cookie...

 

George Cheryl came from a family of eight siblings. her mother used to fix bulk meals and put back extra and freeze. that’s how Cheryl cooked also. when I ate her last meal I felt the same way. I released some grief today also. I cut back the flowers in Cheryl’s flower garden. I decided to make a pile of the dried out flowers and burn the residue in the zip lock of Cheryl’s remains in the flowers. Lou it was good to feel your excitement from having quality female interactions. Kindness shared is such a beautiful thing. Lou you are an excellent specimen of a kind gentle and cultured man. Sounds like you’re low mileage and low maintenance too. I’m going to scrub the idea of online dating for a while. Karen I wasn’t going to do anything on Christmas but my cousin Sherry invited me to her home on Christmas Day. Sherry was the first relative I met with after Cheryl passed. I’m going to pack my own lunch and wear a mask though. On New Years Day I hope to be in Michigan deer hunting. Is anyone else feeling anxious about not hearing from Robin Deb and Bernadine? Gary

 

Karen,

I don't know where to start... The reason I've been MIA for so long is because I'm finding that I need to be alone with my thoughts..., just me and a box of tissues, my constant companion, wrapped in my super soft bereavement blanket, on the couch, drinking herbal tea, in silence... watching the flickering flame of a candle on my coffee table. There are nights when I can't stop crying... then there are nights when all I want to do is to tune out of reality and into mindless TV. I think I'm slowly adjusting to this new life. There have even been a times that I've felt a kind of peaceful feeling I haven't felt since prior to 2015, the year I had to make endless trips back and forth with Bob to the ER, until finally right before Thanksgiving in 2015, Bob was given the correct diagnosis, kidney cancer. (By this time the cancer had spread into his lungs, and into his vena cava, the vein that carries blood to his heart.)

It is the first time since 2015 that I'm not totally on edge 24/7. It's hard to explain. I would do anything to be able to have Bob back, take care of him, but at the same time, I'm relieved that he is no longer suffering, that he is finally at peace. Being constantly on edge 24/7 has taken a big toll on me, emotionally as well as physically. It's the first time in years that I can put my own needs first. I'm very s l o w l y rediscovering who I am, now that I am no longer part of a couple... I feel guilty about the way I'm feeling. Bob was, and always will be, the one true love of my life... but at the same time, I know I have to find a way to rebuild my life, rediscover who I am, after spending 35 years with my "person." It totally SUCKS!!!, TU!!!

I'm getting way off track, so getting back to you asking how I'm feeling about Christmas and New Years, I wish I could erase these holidays from the calendar!!!, TU!!! I'm looking forward to spending a week with my son, doing some hiking, spending some time by the ocean, renting bikes, etc., etc., etc., taking a much needed mini vacation..., a much needed escape. I'm so grateful to be able to spend some quality time with my son, but it is so bittersweet... I have no idea how I'm going to feel once my son and I get into the car, begin our road trip.

Going on this trip is going to be extremely difficult, but at the same time, I have no idea how I would be able to survive if I had to celebrate Christmas and the beginning of 2022 this year. I feel like the Grinch. As of today, there isn't even a wreath on my front door. I'm not sending Christmas cards. Like Robin, there is no way I can sign cards without adding Bob's name to them. It's just too painful... I bought gifts on line for my children, and a few of my close friends from "home." This is all I can handle emotionally this year. My heart just isn't into it. I can't even pretend to be into this holiday season.

Thanksgiving, while difficult for me, turned out better than I expected it would. I'm hoping my mini vacation with my son, will have many happy moments... I know realistically, all of those happy moments are going to be way beyond bittersweet... The one thing I keep reminding myself of, is that Bob would be so happy..., knowing that my son and I are going to be spending so much quality time together. The best Christmas gift I can give Bob is to do my very best, even though I'm spending Christmas in a very nontraditional way, is to enjoy the special time my son and I have together.

I'm glad that you will be spending Christmas with Trish and Bec, surrounded by their love... I hope, although every moment will be so bittersweet, you will share some happy moments, and smile (for real!!!).

Stopping here. I'm going to make a cup of herbal tea, wrap myself in my super soft bereavement blanket, become a couch potato, watching the flickering flame on that candle, alone with my thoughts...

As always, sending you and Rambo lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

'Gosh, Deb through your suffering I see a good attitude coming. A lot of my acquaintances have given up tradition for the holidays and are taking trips, older people of course. I hold all of you in my circle of light. K

 

Gary, that sounds nice to be with your cousin Sherry whom you get along with and invited you to her home. Lou is going to hibernate. Keep in the circle of light, K

 

Deb you are so awesome in dealing with your grief your way. Today was especially hard for me. TB made Christmas cookies like Valerie did. I have been crying all afternoon. tears are still in my eyes. All we can do is go on like Bob and Valerie would have wanted. IU keep looking at her picture. I am so sorry Valerie! I miss you so f___+ much! Screw Christmas tradition we are THE GRIEF WARRIORS!