Heavy Poem (beware)

Hey Lou... Yesterday did ok overall but it was a very busy day went to the old neighborhood to go to Grief Share group and pay last village water bill. The last half of Dialysis was brutal and then the painful cold. Was full of vile "what If" thoughts no matter how much I tried not to. Too tired. This cold weather makes everything harder. I am so uninterested in anything again. I know it's MG... this holiday stuff is not helping too.

 

Valerie and I sure shared that cultural appreciation. I miss having her around to be with.

 

Reminds me of how I was watching the squirrels scurrying up and down the tree outside my new bedroom window here. I put the negativity down on paper and it tends to stay out of my life I think. Looks like we all are not doing great. Was so wiped out last night. Just turned on computer here Weds morn... didn't go on it at all last night because of grueling Dialysis session. I feel very disjointed but am just writing what comes into my head now. I think I'm pretty depressed...

 

Good morning, George. I'm so sorry you're
going through such a tough time: a perfect
storm of painful dialysis, bitter cold, and,
of course, the almost constant war with
Mr. Asshole Grief. Woke up in the middle
of night, and replied to a young woman,
Amber Grace, from Texas. Her husband,
Matt, died suddenly in front of her, from
a pulmonary embolism. I understand her
agony and despair, bc Linda died exactly
the same way. I welcomed her to GIC, even
though I wish I didn't have to. Amber is
very creative with her poetry and photos
of Matt. I even detect a sense of humor,
despite the horror. You may want to reach
out to her, and to a new widower from
Missouri, Tim ( Timstlouis). Lou

 

I'd love to reach out more but right now I'm super self-involved with helping myself so I can be there for the Boy and his GF and... I just keep going minute by minute or second by second. MG just sucks. I am so not myself these last couple days... or is it years? Valerie's suffering and lingering death started especially a year ago and it is rough. And the Grief Share was about holidays and no one gets it I just DO NOT WANT to decorate in any way shape or form. I don't care about holiday BS right now. People were nice but couldn't believe I wouldn't even want a small tree. I finally mentioned the little ceramic Christmas tree I kept from our first Christmas in '87. I can't even put that out. there is too much moving in mess and chaos still and It makes me too sad to see it. Valerie loved Christmas. I do not, especially now!

 

George don’t feel bad I can’t get out my Ho Ho Ho’s either. I have a small glass bowl with old Christmas ornaments two small deer antlers and two small pine cones. I have a small tree with old Christmas ornaments but that’s not coming out this year. My celebration will be winter solstice. Go in a room where you can relax. Try to sit and do nothing. Watch your inhales and exhales. Try to push thoughts away and keep coming back to here and now; The box of space and time you’re in. Count from 50 backwards to zero with each breath. If it helps stretch it out longer. It takes practice and it is not easy. It resets our brains. Lou thanks for your kind thoughts and words of encouragement. I read the chapter “going on” in the widowers notebook last night. I made a mistake because I thought that was the last chapter. When Jonathan wrote grief is two-pronged: to get past, it is to move, on a good thing; to get over it, to forget your grief and your formal life and all that is attached to it, impossibly sad. That struck me to the core because none of us would ever give up those memories. I need to cautiously feel these feelings. I’m really glad you told us about Jonathan’s book. Thanks. Gary

 

George, I understand. I'm the last person in
the world to pressure you about ANYTHING!!! Frankly, I'm surprised your
"grief share" bothered you about Christmas. It sounds like a peer led group,
without a therapist/ counselor leader, who
would have stepped up to defend you, like
TGW do. Linda decorated, like Valerie did.
Like you, I have no interest. No one should
pressure you. Lou

 

Thank you! I am doing particularly freaky/bad today. They were well meaning I'm sure, but holiday stuff is so meaningless this year.

 

Thanks Gary... I really needed to read your encouraging words today.

 

Gary, thanks to you, I decided to read
Jonathan's very last chapter, Ashes, last
night, and I had forgotten its' power. The
Widower's Notebook is like a Bible for me.
I can open the book, and read any chapter,
and it gives me great comfort. When he
says, "Then I cry. I cry for the theft of Joy's
old age and the time we should have had
together, and cry for not being able to save
her....and my loss and all that Joy is missing. I cry because we never got to say goodbye, and cry because we will never
get to talk or laugh, and even cry together.
I am no longer a man who cannot cry. I am
a man who cannot stop crying", it is so
painful for me, because Jonathan captures
my feelings, and I cry when I read his words.
And yet, I know I am no longer alone.
Jonathan is my strong older brother and
you and George, of course, are my younger
ones. Lou

 

It’s just another one of those screwed up days where I got myself behind the eight ball of MG. My next test is what they call a PSMA test. It will locate the place and severity of my disease. a treatment plan will follow. Losing Cheryl getting this news and the ceremony Saturday is causing me additional stress. I have to feel and experience these feelings. there’s nowhere to run. Thanks to TGW I do not have to go it alone. It will be more pleasant for hunting this afternoon. I’m going to try and upload a video. We must never give up the fight with MG. Gary

 

I am here for you my brother!

 

Gary, I feel for you, bc I've had several
medical issues come up. The scariest was
going by cab to the ER in the middle of
night. I prayed that I would live to see
another day. I was surrounded by female
nurses and a kind female doctor. As you
know, different women, including those
GW here, have often come to my rescue.
You, George, and I have a different bond.
Linda always came with me to medical
appointments, to the same female nurse
practioner. When Linda died, I went to
see the same NP. When I went into her
small lab room, I broke down & cried.
Without a word, she put her hand on my
shoulder until I was done. Lou

 

Lou and George thank you for your kind thoughts and well wishes. My TGW Brothers are always in my thoughts. It seems like our physical problems matter very little compared to our grief for our beloved. I got another deer last night and I can’t help but thinking Cheryl was with me during the hunt. Take care my brothers. Gary

 

Gary, I've become a sentimental slob, bc I
cried when you said you thought Cheryl
was with you on the deer hunt. When
Linda & I would see a sad scene in a
movie, she would look over at me, and
see that I was crying. She would tease me
a little, saying, "Oh, you hard hearted
thing, you!". Little did she know that one
day I'd be crying for HER, every morning.
Lou

 

I feel like Valerie is with me all the time. It is comforting...

 

George, I'm glad you feel that way. Lately,
it's been "happy mixed with sad" memories
as Robin said, for me, probably bc of
Christmas and New Year's Day ( we were
married on New Year's Day). Lou

 

In between moving and Christmas being such a special time for Valerie, and the way she was dying last Christmas, I am not doing really well emotionally. If I don't seem as wordy and active it is just a MG phase. Since I moved the big project of selling the house is over and I can grieve more again I think.

 

Don't blame you one bit, for your brief
sentences on GIC, as long as you don't
disappear, George! Lou

 

Just so tired! Too