Heavy Poem (beware)

Death
Black Cancer Death
Dark Winters of Filth and Folly
Sad Eyes Imploring
Is this how our Love ends?
In a cold Cold night
In February
I'm at Dialysis
I come home to the Worst Pain Yet tuesdays
I'm at Dialysis!
She's DEAD
My soul screams in pain, then shuts down
Maybe you don't believe in the Soul
Well; Good for you!
I don't know enough to
Believe
In anything ​

 

That is a heartbreaking poem, George. I
can tell you that I felt the same way a year
after Linda died suddenly in front of me.
She went into the rehab/ nursing home,
for PT, while she was battling breast
cancer. One day, she collapsed. It took 6
horrible months for me to get that constant image out of my head. I sobbed in my
grief counselor's home office. I felt enormous survivor's guilt, that I didn't do
enough to "save" Linda. You may not
believe this right now, George, but it
DOES get better. , Lou

 

Thanks bro! Just felt like getting it out a bit. I have a whole notebook full of them. Art therapy I guess.

 

I’m glad you posted your poem George. We have got to be able to express ourselves. It reminds me of an old Hank Williams song “a picture from life‘s other side”. Tales of the horrors of life that no one wants to acknowledge unless they are a GW(grief warrior). You and Lou are my brothers. Gary

 

Gary, I probably told you this, but , after
reading Jonathan's book, I emailed him to
thank him. I wrote my own personal
story of the horror of seeing Linda
collapse in front of me, and about the
nightmare of the rescue squad, rushing in
to try to revive her ( so similar to his
agonizing account). I told him he was like
a brother I never had. 2 nights later, I was
shocked to get a warm, personal email
from this busy man. Jonathan wrote:
"Thank you for writing to me. If my book
brought you some comfort, I am glad I
wrote it. I am touched and proud to
call you 'brother'. I cried when I read his
words, and wrote them down. I'm on his
email list. Recently, I received an email
from his group, showing pictures of him
on his book tour for his new international
thriller mystery. I wrote to him again,
reminded him who I was, and that I've
discovered GIC. Jonathan shocked me
AGAIN by writing another personal note.
It was great to see him smiling, with other
authors. If you would like to write to him
and get on his email list, his address is:
jonathansantlofer@gmail.com. Lou

 

Thanks for reading it man, we are the GWs. Just ggot up and I'm in one of those here I go do it again moments.

 

George do you think some of the journals have any negative energy attachments that might be causing the bad dreams? I’m going to try and post a meditation for you. Lou I plan on sending Jonathon a message. Thanks. Love my Bros. Gary

 

That's GREAT, Gary! Jonathan is a great,
compassionate guy. He would love to hear
from you. When he took The Widower's
Notebook on tour, he said that men, of
all political backgrounds, red states or
blue states. would come up to him to tell
their sad stories of the deaths of their
wives. Some of these men would
break down & cry, and give him a bear
hug, in gratitude, for his powerful book.
I look forward to your response from
Jonathan, who is our true, wisest oldest
brother. Lou

 

No. I think they purge the demons, myself. It is cathartic and healing to express the darkness as I live in the light. My art has always been a part of me and actually the dreams have stopped the last few nights since I've been expressing myself in my own way. I truly appreciate the kind thoughts and meditations my Bro... Posting the poetry and doing art centers me toward the me that is buried under the cabs and scars. I want to be honest. It purges the negativity that builds up underneath the blankness and pain of grief and loss. Hope this makes sense somewhat. I will not let the demons lurk inside my soul frozen in subconscious anger and fear. Thanks for thinking about me

 

George, I know what you mean about
writing journals. When Linda was alive,
I kept a fun activities diary, which showed
our moods on a given day. It also
.




chronicled our travels, places to dine, etc.
Since I'm not an artist like you, I would


draw us as stick figures, much to the
amusement of my wife. After Linda died,
and I was in the psychiatric unit, I couldn't
sleep at all. The counselors & nurses gave
me a composition book. and allowed me
to sit quietly in the common area, and
write down my emotions. I was a madman
with rage and sorrow, and let the words
splatter on the page, much like Jackson
Pollock threw his paints on the canvas. I
asked for different color pens, to match my
mood: red, for anger, green, for envy of
men who still had their soulmates, blue
for sadness, yellow, for fear & cowardice
about what would happen next. Now, before my Monday phone therapy sessions
with a therapist, I write down a few talking
points, but I don't keep a journal anymore.
My writing are in emails to friends, cards
& letters to a couple who live out of state,
but visit here twice a year. And, of course,
the best, writing back & forth with my
close friends on GIC, The Grief Warriors. L

 

I use spiral notebooks... cheap as hell. I would maybe take a couple of years to fill one. since Valerie died I'm on my 4th notebook! Honest self-expression keeps me Grief Warrior-ing I think. I think in order for the catharsis to work I need to share parts of this honesty whether it is negative or not. As long as it doesn't devolve into babyish whining and bitching for no reason, maybe...

 

George, we should NEVER be accused
of "babyish whining and bitching".
Lately, I don't show it, but I feel like the
crazed, angry newsman, in the 1976
movie, Network, when he yells out the
window, " I'm mad as bell, and I'm not
going to take this anymore!!!". That's how I
think about Mr. Grief, who creeps up
behind me. Lou

 

YES! I so get it...

 

Good morning fellow sufferers. Suffering by freezing my ass off in 15° weather for four hours no longer appeals to me. I want some discomfort but that’s where I draw the line. The highlight of the morning was a fox squirrel climbed a tree about 5 feet away from the window of my tent. He was only there for a couple seconds like the bird was the other day but I read his mind. He told me that everything is going to be all right. I just need to relax and go with the flow. I understand George. It’s almost like performing an exorcism on yourself. Our facilitator always reminds us to do what we have to do to deal with MG. Lou using the colors to express your feelings is a heck of good idea. I bet you made major progress after that. That reminds me of the meditation the rainbow hug. I tried keeping a journal after Cheryl passed. All my thoughts were so negative I could no longer keep it up. I’m going to finish the widowers notebook tonight. I’m sure the last chapter is going to be pretty mellow something that I want to hang onto when I go to bed. Lou wouldn’t it be interesting if Jonathan kept a log of all the men who poured their hearts to him how they lost their wife? Jonathan could really start up one heck of a support group. Just a thought. Gary

 

Gary, when I emailed Jonathan the 2nd
time, recently, I told him about GIC and
Center for Loss. He was glad that this was
helping in my mourning for Linda. He
does it differently, by immersing himself
in his writing. He was planning to
stay at a friend's secluded farm, & write,
and then, join a writers' retreat in Yaddo.
He has been on a book tour for his new
international mystery. It's wonderful to
see & hear him, laughing with other authors. Lou

 

How are you doin', George? I have an
overall sadness this afternoon. Taking a bus which has a less scenic route, but gets
me home faster A dusting of snow is
expected tomorrow. Hope you don't
get whacked. Your low temps are worse
than mine. Lou

 

It’s a sad day for me to Lou. The brain cells finally kicked in And reminded me when I stay outside and freeze my ass off I get depressed and sad. Only two days of good weather for hunting left this week and then everything’s going to turn to bad for three days. From now till winter solstice is usually my lowest mood of the year regardless of grief. Just when I thought I was through with it I got sucked back in again by MG. At least the cold weather suffering in the afternoon isn’t as bad as the mornings. I hope you meet some neat people. Gary

 

Thanks for coming through for me,
buddy. We really are Grief Warriors. We
are both wounded, dazed, and confused.
I miss Linda intensely today, want to tell
her things about people & places we know.
And yet..... a woman about my age, with
some gray, in her hair, smiled at me, and
I wondered what it would be like to meet
another woman, with whom to share a
laugh & a hug. I thought of talking on the
phone with a married college classmate,
but I'm in no mood to joke around. I'd
much rather reach out, in my hour of
need, to the people here, who "get it". Lou

 

I get it. I said I love you to Cheryl more times today than ever. It’s a constant dull throbbing grief pain. I think of all the couples figuring out what they want for supper or what to watch on tv. All the mundane stuff that couples do daily. It’s definitely different this year. There is a recognition for Cheryl’s community and environmental activism this Saturday. I wish I could take you and George with me. My brother is in Florida and my niece is working so I’ll have to go it alone. I dread seeing her family. After I scrubbed their names as beneficiaries for trying to brainwash me into getting long term health care insurance they’ve disowned me. I’m not setting with them either. I know they’ll be gossiping and slandering me. I’m trying to forgive them but it isn’t possible yet. I’ve got to keep trying for my sake not theirs. My goal is to try online dating the first of the year. Hopefully I’ll find a widow woman looking for the same thing I am still loving their dearly beloved Take care Older Brother. Gary

 

Gary, good to see you on here again this
evening. I'm not interested in much tonight. When I came home, from walking
in the cold, I had mourner's fatigue, and
had an hour & a half nap. I'm still wiped
out, and plan to go to bed around 9:30pm.
I like to wake up every day around 6am,
whether I'm tired or not. Yes. you do get
it, Gary. I wish George & I could go with
you, too. I also wish your brother didn't
live so far away. Do you ever visit him in
Florida.? I have friends who take a break
and go down there for a while in the
winter, and come back refreshed. After
this upcoming event, is there a place you
can go, to chill out? I love your idea of
meeting a widow, who would understand
your feelings. I would like to meet a woman close to my age, like Linda was.
I think it's important to share a cultural
history, in music, old TV shows, movies,
books, art appreciation, etc. I'm not interested in marriage again, but I would
like to have a female companion. I will
look forward to hearing how you do online. Always know this, Gary, you are a
kind man, who has a lot to offer. Lou